~Chapter 9
Michael stood in a stream. He saw the moonlight through the trees. The water rushed over his ankles. He was looking at the night sky again, as he always had. Somewhere out there was a world where he should be. A star seemed to twinkle suddenly brighter than all the rest. When he looked down, the stream was red. And a v -shape reflected in the water. Red, but clear. And when he gazed down, wondering what the v-shape was, he remembered it was the shape of their planets in the star system. Then a light blinded him and he was standing in a room. Enormous. Two thrones in the distance. Deserted. Five people dead. A circle. Now he could see that as if from somewhere high and distant. Their blood made a circle, a bizarre circle. Blood. rich and red. Everywhere. They were faceless. But it didn't matter. This didn't matter, because when he stepped back from it all -like he could get away, the scene changed. He was in the desert. Everything was barren, but Victoria lay at his feet bleeding and his hands were covered in her blood. Guilty. He was guilty.
He couldn't escape the blood or the sight. He was then in a hotel room- no, THE hotel room where.... where it happened. She was on the bed now, still- dead perhaps. Michael cried out, but no sound escaped him. He couldn't move. The pristine sheets turned crimson with her blood and he was holding the tiny being. his tiny child. She was dead too. Everyone died in the end. Too early. Death always surrounded him. And then he saw his 'victims' - all around him: Pierce, Winthrop, Victoria. she was dead too right? And then his daughter. What had he done?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Max and Victoria, from the living room, had heard Michael cry out. He hadn't come out since he'd slammed into his room earlier and now it was pre- dawn. They hadn't heard anything until now. Max had gone to sleep, but Victoria had sat up - dozing now and again. Max had heard Michael first. Worrying, he had jumped up and broken the lock on Michael's door after Michael wouldn't open it from within.
Victoria ran after Max into Michael's bedroom. The sight rather frightened her. Michael was thrashing on the bed in the grips of a nightmare that he couldn't escape obviously. Max was trying to wake him but he couldn't. Victoria ran to Michael's bedside where she pushed Max aside and sat on the edge of Michael's bed. She tried to awaken him and when he wouldn't respond to her either, she got more worried. She put her hands in his and screamed to him, "Wake up, Michael! It's not real!"
Michael woke up straight in the bed, sweating and his heart pounding furiously from the night terror - the precise reason why he didn't want to sleep and tried to avoid it as much as possible. "I killed them. I killed her. I.." He muttered, more asleep than awake.
Victoria tried to hold him, but he blinked the nightmares away and looked at her like he saw her now and he was now fully awake. When he realized it was her and he was awake he pushed her back from him.
"You didn't kill anybody, Michael. It was a nightmare. You're awake. It's okay now." -Victoria said to him, her eyes full of concern as she watched him.
"Get away from me!" He yelled, his eyes furious.
Victoria saw Max step towards them out of the corner of her eye. She turned to him and shook her head. And he was momentarily surprised to hear her voice in his head. She had never done that with him before. She said, "Go. If anybody can help him, I can. Don't worry. It's okay."
He just looked at her and for a moment, she thought he was going to ignore that, but he backed out the door.
"It's not real, Michael. It will be okay. I promise." Victoria said, trying to calm him, soothe him in any way she could.
"You can't promise that! It is real. She's.." He said and then quieter, "She's dead.and it's my fault." He then turned to her, his eyes blazing again, "Can you undo that? Can you make that not real?!"
"You didn't kill anyone. What are you talking about???" -Victoria asked, concerned and confused.
"You know it. You were there. I did it!" Michael spit out. "Just get away from me. Why are you even here after that. How can you look at me?!"
And then, Victoria realized whom this "she" was that he was talking about. Could he mean their baby? Victoria was shocked and she said, "Do you mean our daughter?" When he wouldn't answer, she shook him and demanded, "Do you think you killed her?! Answer me!! Do you think that?!?"
When he looked back up at her, she saw in his eyes - that was exactly what was haunting him. He believed that. After it happened, Victoria hadn't thought Michael had suffered, not like she had - at times, she thought he hadn't even cared, but the realization came to her that it had hit him as hard as her if not harder and all this time. He hadn't said anything, as neither had she - they had suffered alone and she had no idea he had cared so much. And never would she have thought that he thought it was his fault. Ah God no, he wasn't the one to blame. Not him.. Not Michael.
"Oh Michael." Victoria reached to him and held him. He pushed her off and she turned to him. She wouldn't let him push her away again. She would fight him if she had to. "Just leave me alone!" Michael raged.
"I won't Michael. Never again. I can't!" -Victoria.
"WHY?" he demanded over and over. "Because you are not the one to blame! It wasn't your fault!" -Victoria.
"That day. I hit you.!" -Michael
"You." Victoria started to talk, but Michael wasn't listening, he was only seeing some nightmare of the past. He said, "You were on the ground. And then."
"Stop it Michael, Stop it!" Victoria yelled at him. "It wasn't your fault! It is my fault that our baby died! It was NEVER yours!" Victoria cried then, the tears slipping quickly down her cheeks unheeded and unnoticed.
Michael looked up at her then in silence. In a quiet, shocked sort of way. "How can you say that." He said quietly. "You shielded me with yourself after I hit you. Even after I hurt you, you did that for me." And he didn't even notice when a tear fell down his cheek. He had held it back for so long. He was the strong one, ever the strong one. A soldier couldn't cry. He couldn't . but now he did and he didn't care and he couldn't hold it back any longer. "I didn't realize." He started to say, and this time when Victoria held him he didn't push her away. He said again, as much to himself or more so than to her, "I didn't realize. You suffered all this time and I wasn't here for you. I was blaming myself and you were blaming yourself and I pushed you away and you don't hate me for that. I don't understand." He said as he cried and she just held him tighter still.
"Why did you do that for me? Why did you risk your life for mine? Why?" -Michael.
"Because I love you, Michael. I always have." Victoria said as she cried. "Always!" She repeated.
And Michael held her back then, crushing her to him like he wouldn't let her go. And Victoria felt his long tousled hair and breathed in his scent and drank in the feel of him and his strength, his presence, his soul felt like it was all around her.
"I couldn't be near you, because of what I'd done and because. because of how strongly I still felt for you. And I saw that as wrong." Michael said.
"Never blame yourself Michael Guerin. Never, never, again. Please don't. Not ever." Victoria said against his shoulder.
"Forgive me, Victoria." -Michael.
"It is I that should be asking that of you." -Victoria.
"No. No, answer me. Do you? Can you?" -Michael.
"Yes." -Victoria.
The morning light poured bright into the room, lighting them as they sat there on the bed. Michael felt the nightmares pushed back with the light. And not just the sun.. but his other light, Victoria. And the light that he always saw faintly glowing all around her. He closed his eyes. The nightmares faded.
-=- memories are just where you laid them. drag the waters till the depths give up their dead. what did you expect to find. was there something you left behind. don't you remember anything I said when I said. . don't fall away . and leave me to myself. don't fall away. and leave love bleeding in my hands. in my hands again. and leave love bleeding in my hands. in my hands. love lies bleeding. . hold me now I feel contagious. am I the only place that you've left to go. she cries her life is like. some movie black and white. dead actors faking lines. over and over and over again she cries. . don't fall away. and leave me to myself. don't fall away. and leave love bleeding in my hands. in my hands again and leave love bleeding in my hands. in my hands. love lies bleeding. . and I wanted. you turned away. you don't remember. but I do. you never even tried. . don't fall away . . "hemorrhage (in my hands)" by Fuel .
Michael stood in a stream. He saw the moonlight through the trees. The water rushed over his ankles. He was looking at the night sky again, as he always had. Somewhere out there was a world where he should be. A star seemed to twinkle suddenly brighter than all the rest. When he looked down, the stream was red. And a v -shape reflected in the water. Red, but clear. And when he gazed down, wondering what the v-shape was, he remembered it was the shape of their planets in the star system. Then a light blinded him and he was standing in a room. Enormous. Two thrones in the distance. Deserted. Five people dead. A circle. Now he could see that as if from somewhere high and distant. Their blood made a circle, a bizarre circle. Blood. rich and red. Everywhere. They were faceless. But it didn't matter. This didn't matter, because when he stepped back from it all -like he could get away, the scene changed. He was in the desert. Everything was barren, but Victoria lay at his feet bleeding and his hands were covered in her blood. Guilty. He was guilty.
He couldn't escape the blood or the sight. He was then in a hotel room- no, THE hotel room where.... where it happened. She was on the bed now, still- dead perhaps. Michael cried out, but no sound escaped him. He couldn't move. The pristine sheets turned crimson with her blood and he was holding the tiny being. his tiny child. She was dead too. Everyone died in the end. Too early. Death always surrounded him. And then he saw his 'victims' - all around him: Pierce, Winthrop, Victoria. she was dead too right? And then his daughter. What had he done?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Max and Victoria, from the living room, had heard Michael cry out. He hadn't come out since he'd slammed into his room earlier and now it was pre- dawn. They hadn't heard anything until now. Max had gone to sleep, but Victoria had sat up - dozing now and again. Max had heard Michael first. Worrying, he had jumped up and broken the lock on Michael's door after Michael wouldn't open it from within.
Victoria ran after Max into Michael's bedroom. The sight rather frightened her. Michael was thrashing on the bed in the grips of a nightmare that he couldn't escape obviously. Max was trying to wake him but he couldn't. Victoria ran to Michael's bedside where she pushed Max aside and sat on the edge of Michael's bed. She tried to awaken him and when he wouldn't respond to her either, she got more worried. She put her hands in his and screamed to him, "Wake up, Michael! It's not real!"
Michael woke up straight in the bed, sweating and his heart pounding furiously from the night terror - the precise reason why he didn't want to sleep and tried to avoid it as much as possible. "I killed them. I killed her. I.." He muttered, more asleep than awake.
Victoria tried to hold him, but he blinked the nightmares away and looked at her like he saw her now and he was now fully awake. When he realized it was her and he was awake he pushed her back from him.
"You didn't kill anybody, Michael. It was a nightmare. You're awake. It's okay now." -Victoria said to him, her eyes full of concern as she watched him.
"Get away from me!" He yelled, his eyes furious.
Victoria saw Max step towards them out of the corner of her eye. She turned to him and shook her head. And he was momentarily surprised to hear her voice in his head. She had never done that with him before. She said, "Go. If anybody can help him, I can. Don't worry. It's okay."
He just looked at her and for a moment, she thought he was going to ignore that, but he backed out the door.
"It's not real, Michael. It will be okay. I promise." Victoria said, trying to calm him, soothe him in any way she could.
"You can't promise that! It is real. She's.." He said and then quieter, "She's dead.and it's my fault." He then turned to her, his eyes blazing again, "Can you undo that? Can you make that not real?!"
"You didn't kill anyone. What are you talking about???" -Victoria asked, concerned and confused.
"You know it. You were there. I did it!" Michael spit out. "Just get away from me. Why are you even here after that. How can you look at me?!"
And then, Victoria realized whom this "she" was that he was talking about. Could he mean their baby? Victoria was shocked and she said, "Do you mean our daughter?" When he wouldn't answer, she shook him and demanded, "Do you think you killed her?! Answer me!! Do you think that?!?"
When he looked back up at her, she saw in his eyes - that was exactly what was haunting him. He believed that. After it happened, Victoria hadn't thought Michael had suffered, not like she had - at times, she thought he hadn't even cared, but the realization came to her that it had hit him as hard as her if not harder and all this time. He hadn't said anything, as neither had she - they had suffered alone and she had no idea he had cared so much. And never would she have thought that he thought it was his fault. Ah God no, he wasn't the one to blame. Not him.. Not Michael.
"Oh Michael." Victoria reached to him and held him. He pushed her off and she turned to him. She wouldn't let him push her away again. She would fight him if she had to. "Just leave me alone!" Michael raged.
"I won't Michael. Never again. I can't!" -Victoria.
"WHY?" he demanded over and over. "Because you are not the one to blame! It wasn't your fault!" -Victoria.
"That day. I hit you.!" -Michael
"You." Victoria started to talk, but Michael wasn't listening, he was only seeing some nightmare of the past. He said, "You were on the ground. And then."
"Stop it Michael, Stop it!" Victoria yelled at him. "It wasn't your fault! It is my fault that our baby died! It was NEVER yours!" Victoria cried then, the tears slipping quickly down her cheeks unheeded and unnoticed.
Michael looked up at her then in silence. In a quiet, shocked sort of way. "How can you say that." He said quietly. "You shielded me with yourself after I hit you. Even after I hurt you, you did that for me." And he didn't even notice when a tear fell down his cheek. He had held it back for so long. He was the strong one, ever the strong one. A soldier couldn't cry. He couldn't . but now he did and he didn't care and he couldn't hold it back any longer. "I didn't realize." He started to say, and this time when Victoria held him he didn't push her away. He said again, as much to himself or more so than to her, "I didn't realize. You suffered all this time and I wasn't here for you. I was blaming myself and you were blaming yourself and I pushed you away and you don't hate me for that. I don't understand." He said as he cried and she just held him tighter still.
"Why did you do that for me? Why did you risk your life for mine? Why?" -Michael.
"Because I love you, Michael. I always have." Victoria said as she cried. "Always!" She repeated.
And Michael held her back then, crushing her to him like he wouldn't let her go. And Victoria felt his long tousled hair and breathed in his scent and drank in the feel of him and his strength, his presence, his soul felt like it was all around her.
"I couldn't be near you, because of what I'd done and because. because of how strongly I still felt for you. And I saw that as wrong." Michael said.
"Never blame yourself Michael Guerin. Never, never, again. Please don't. Not ever." Victoria said against his shoulder.
"Forgive me, Victoria." -Michael.
"It is I that should be asking that of you." -Victoria.
"No. No, answer me. Do you? Can you?" -Michael.
"Yes." -Victoria.
The morning light poured bright into the room, lighting them as they sat there on the bed. Michael felt the nightmares pushed back with the light. And not just the sun.. but his other light, Victoria. And the light that he always saw faintly glowing all around her. He closed his eyes. The nightmares faded.
-=- memories are just where you laid them. drag the waters till the depths give up their dead. what did you expect to find. was there something you left behind. don't you remember anything I said when I said. . don't fall away . and leave me to myself. don't fall away. and leave love bleeding in my hands. in my hands again. and leave love bleeding in my hands. in my hands. love lies bleeding. . hold me now I feel contagious. am I the only place that you've left to go. she cries her life is like. some movie black and white. dead actors faking lines. over and over and over again she cries. . don't fall away. and leave me to myself. don't fall away. and leave love bleeding in my hands. in my hands again and leave love bleeding in my hands. in my hands. love lies bleeding. . and I wanted. you turned away. you don't remember. but I do. you never even tried. . don't fall away . . "hemorrhage (in my hands)" by Fuel .