Disclaimer: I am not responsible for my actions and will not speak without my lawyer in any language other than WICHÍ LHAMTÉS GÜISNAY. So there.

"Snape, what are you doing?" asked Fred.

"That's Mister-Professor Snape to you, muskrat!" Snape said, acting very much like an old grump.

"Are you. . .knitting?" the red head asked tentatively.

"No," said Snape (whose skin was as soft as rose petals), "I am. . .PEARLING! CAN'T ANYONE TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN KNITTING AND PEARLING?!!! AHHHHH!" Then he bit Fred's head off. Quite literally.

"Something," said Harry, "Is terribly wrong."

"I agree," said the rock in Harry's shoe.

"Yes indeed!" said Blaise Zabini. And they all went to Tunisia to discover the square route of pi.

"So tell me, Ron," said Hermione, "If Pipe A can fill a tank in 14 hours, and pipe B can fill the same tank in 20 hours, how long will it take for them to fill it together?"

Ron fainted.

"So tell me, Mr. Wall," said Hermione, "If You were going down the side of the Grand Canyon at 156 miles per hour in an inflatable canoe, then how many pancakes does it take to cover a doghouse?"

"None!" cried the wall, after scratching many complicating figures into its belly, "Because bears don't eat light bulbs!"

"Wrong!" said Hermione triumphantly, "The answer is negative three!"

"Por que?" asked the wall.

"Because of the velocity of a watermelon-to-mouth ratio, of course!"

"Heh!" said the wall, "You forgot about Avogadro's hypothesis of gas!"

". . .Oh. . ."

Meanwhile, Ron had recovered from his faint and was trying to impress Lisa Turpin.

"Want to see something funny?" he asked.

"No," she said seductively.

They went up to Goyle.

"Hey Crabbe!" said Ron, "What's 2 + 2?"

"Four," was the grunted answer.

Ron stared at him for several years. Lisa Turpin grew a beard.

". . .Uh. . .What's 7 x 8? Huh? Huh? Try THAT you great dummy!"

"Fifty-six. Grunt grunt grunty-grunt," said Goyle, "And my name is Goyle, not Crabbe."

Ron developed a hippo's hernia in frustration. Lisa Turpin walked away.

"HeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeElLlLlP!" yelled Snape, "I'm AlLeRgIc To WeAsLeYs!" His skin was as soft as rose petals.

"No your not!" yelled Ron, "You've been around all of us and never once did you have a reaction!"

"No, YoU DoN't UnDeRsTaNd!" said Snape, "I'm AlLeRgIc To InGeStInG wEaSlEyS! I gO dEaF aNd SpEaK iN tHiS tHoUrOuGhLy iRrItAtInG wAy!"

"You ate my kin!" yelled Ron, "ATTAAAAAAAAAACK!"

After a very gruesome scene involving the Heimlich maneuver and Fred's head rolling around on the floor, Fred walked in. Or rather crashed in. He was looking very magnetic and rather headless.

They reattached his lovely little head, but Snape continued to have a hearing impairment (the speech impediment went away, to the great joy of The Author).

"Maybe you should knit. . .er, pearl me a sweater for my inconvenience," said Fred to Snape.

"What about Tylenol?" asked Snape, "Tylenol and. . .beavers, did you say?"

"Can you hear me?" asked Fred.

"Beer? Where?" asked Snape, swinging his head around violently.

"Oh, forget it!" said Fred, and he walked away, doing the Mashed Potato and the Twist, combined.

"Snape!" called Dumbledore, "I must talk to you! It is urgent!"

"Muskrats? Bombing the school? RUUUUUUUN!" And the poor Professor ran and ran until he was stopped by a tree, whom convinced him to join the circus.

Meanwhile, the entire Harry Potterish cast (except Snapeish) was in the Great-Super-Di-Duper-ish Hallish. They were feasting on gruel. Voldemort stood up.

"Please, sir," he said to Dumbledore the Great, "May I have some more?"

Dumbledore the Terrible roared. Voldie-moldie-shmoldie-poldie took that as a no. . .Speaking of Voldie, The Author has a question: Is Voldemort bald or what? I can't remember if JK ever mentions his hair. . .

Then the mini-people from the planet ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ invaded. Their hair was blue and their hands were green and they went to sea in a sieve!. . .uh. . .Yeah, so they came in through the ceiling and squirted everyone with their yogurt guns.

"Mm! Lemon-strawberry!" cried Dumbledore the Keeper of Mice.

"Psst!" said Hermy-own to so-and-so, "Do you know who Professor Snape (pronounced SN-ah-P-eh) went to the ball with?"

"Who?"

"Pepe!"

"Who?"

"You know, Pepe!" she said, "Don't you?"

"Who?"

"PEPE!"

"Who?"

Hermione was getting frustrated, "Pepe! You know Pepe, aka Moaning Myrtle, of course!"

"Who?" said Hedwig, who then flew away to drink some gin.

She ate some cheesy snacks.

Meanwhile, Harry and Draco were creeping into Snape's private stores.

"Do you think Snape will mind?" said Harry.

"Of course he won't! Unless he finds out, in which case he'll kill us," said Draco Peony Malfoyish.

"That's relieving!" said Harry, "So, why are we in here anyway? And don't we hate each other?"

Dracoish began to babble about the Dong and the Jumbly People and a luminous nose.

So they stole some ingredients and perfected the sex-change potion, like two very happy goldfish with eyes.

Snape's skin was as green and soft as rose petals.

A/N-I hope you liked this as much as the others! The first person to tell me where the Dong and the Jumbly people came from will get a short cameo in the next chapter! Same for anyone who can tell me in what country the language WICHÍ LHAMTÉS GÜISNAY comes from (yes, it is a language).

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! REVIEW OR THE JUMBLIES WILL COME AFTER YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Correction Added 12/16/03: IN RESPONSE TO CERTAIN STORIES BEING TAKEN OFFLINE FOR THIS OFFENSE, NO ONE WILL BE ADDED INTO MY STORY. FF.NET HAS REGULATIONS AGAINST IT. SORRY! I LOVE YOU ALL!