A/N-Ahem, ahem, hem-hem: Kinsey (aka--Bookworm + some numbers) was
the SMART one who realized that WICHÍ LHAMTÉS GÜISNAY is found in
Argentina. Much applause and a short cameo is necessary. Oh yes, and I
decided your last name is Pantyhose. Enjoy!
A/N-- CORRECTION AS OF 12/16/03-I WILL NOT BE ADDING ANYONE TO THE STORY IN RESPONSE TO FF.NET MANDATES, ETC. ETC. Kinsey's name is now Kidney Pantyhose, which means it is NOT her anymore, therefore I am breaking NO rules (officer, I swear!). . .
And then Hermione and Ron fell deeply in love. Harry cried. Now he had no friends to play with.
"I'll be your friend, Harryish," said several extras who wanted a moment to shine.
"Do not come near me, mortals!" cried Harry, "I am off on my valiant, noble, and oh-so-lovely steed on a quest! A quest to find my inner self!. . .or a Mary Sue, either one works for me!"
The orange question marks above the extras' heads were swelling to the size of hippopotamus' with rabbit teeth. They floated up to the ceiling, and there they stayed for all eternity.
"Oh great."
Meanwhile, Harry rode around in circles on his donkey named Otorhinolaryngologic-Diseases-With-A-Fringe (known as Odd-Waffle-With-Bangs for short).
"We must fly! To the ends of the Earth in search of her!" he cried, but they continued to go round in circles for quite some time.
"Professor?" said Kidney, quivering slightly, "I n-need help with the assignment. . ."
Snapeish turned around ferociously and chewed on his ham sandwich with frightful anger, "You will call me. . .Mr. Oink-Knickers when you address me, Miss Pantyhose. None of this Professor nonsense that you get away with the other teachers! Do you hear me?"
Kidney nodded, "Yes, Mr. Oink-Knickers."
"Well that's good, because I can't hear myself." Then he sighed and intoned wisely, "Pantyhose, if you only learn one thing from me all year, learn this: Never ingest the head of a Weasley."
"Yes Mr.-Mr. Oink-Mr. Oink Knickers-Oh ****, I quit! How is anyone supposed to keep a straight face doing this?" She stormed off screen angrily. Mr. Oink-Knickers grew a long neck and ran after her like a goose, nipping at her heels.
While she was running away from Mr. Oink-Knickers, Kidney ran right into Harry's donkey. This caused Harry to tumble off.
"Are you okay?" she asked, out of breath. Luckily, Mr. Oink-Knickers had been distracted by a gnat's brassiere and had given up the chase. Kinsey helped Harry up.
"Are you my mother?" was the first thing Harry said. (Now you must understand that Kidney has darkish blondish hair and brownish-greenish eyes and does not look at all like Lily the Keeper of Aspirin).
She hit him over the head with a sausage and left him there, next to Odd-Waffle-With-Bangs, "Are you a Mary-Sue?" he called eagerly, "No, wait! Mary-Sue! Come BAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKKKKKKACKACKACKACK!!"
She was hearing voices in her head, however, and she did not hear him. They were pretty voices. . .
"Oh, little mice!" cried Dumbledore, "Where are YOUUUUUUU?"
And then Ronaldo of the Grassland Fugue in Red became a pyromaniac. . .no, not a pyro a nymph-no, A KLEPTOMANIAC!
"Hmm," said Eleanor Branstone, "I can't find my schizophrenic orthodontist!"
"I HAVE IT!" Ron cackled softly to himself.
"Hmm," said Fitzwilliam Darcy, "I can't find my schizophrenic orthodontist."
"I HAVE IT!"
"Hmm," said Artemis Fowlish, "I can't find my schizophrenic orthadontist!"
"I HAVE IT!"
"Hmm," said Frederick Wealseyish, "I can't find my SMELL IN THE TRASH!" He began to do a dance involving waving around a top hat and lambasting people with a cane, while maintaining an enormous grin.
Eleanor, Fitzwilliam, and Artemis sacrificed Fred monk-style for not following the Pattern of Patterns. They then went to look for their schizophrenic orthodontists.
"I HAVE IT!" yelled Ron, hearing the word schizophrenic orthodontist.
"No, Ron," said Fitzwilliam Darcy, "Fred ruined it. The Pattern of Patterns is gone now. He killed it. There's no need to say anything after 'schizophrenic orthodontist' anymo-"
"I HAVE IT!"
Fitzwilliam hit him over the red head with Kidney Pantyhose.
"Hey lookie!" said Ronnie, "A Mary-Sue! Has Harry, Draco, or Mr. Oink-Knickers claimed you yet, or are you still free for the taking?"
"I AM NO MARY SUE!" she cried emphatically, "AND I AM NOT FREE FOR THE TAKING!" She began to sing "I Will Survive" or some other feminist song, but Ron interrupted her.
"Heh," said Ron, "Let's put you on the Mary-Sue-O-Meter, then and see how you measure up!"
"I refuse to be measured without the presence of my. . .TURTLEISH LAWYER!"
"I have a gnat," said Snape. . .er. . .Mr. Oink-Knickers, "He/she has a hat. I look like a bat. My skin is as soft as rose petals."
The hermaphrodite gnat went off in search of Beethoven the mouse-rat transvestite.
'In the name of Sir Snow Globe, get me OUT of here. . .' thought Kidney desperately.
"I have a hermaphrodite second cousin," said Hermione, "His name-uh, her name-well. . .Oh never mind!" she stormed off, reminding us very much of a dead president.
The extra's question marks popped and they fell dooooooown to the ground. Orange question-mark goo splattered all over everywhere. Filch developed a jealousy complex.
"Why couldn't I be a goldfish? All nice and happy! Swimming, swimming and la-di-da, with nothing to do but crash into glass walls. . ." he sobbed to himself as the bottle of Mrs. So-And-So's (Mrs. Thimble or Steward or Skittle or something) Magical, All-Purpose Stain Remover was devoured by the Goo and washed down with soapy water.
Then Harry took a wrong turn on the way to the loo/toilet/potty/bathroom/restroom. He found himself in a strange room with lots of blinky lights and odd measurement tools. He stepped onto an odd platform.
A mechanical voice said, "You are approximately 108 % Mary-Sue. Have a nice day!"
"What? But I'm totally a canon character! What is this? Sabotage?!"
"Hah!" cried the machine electronically, "Then why are your nails painted purplish?"
Harry began to have a mature fit involving lots of screaming and kicking random fluffy ducks.
Quack.
Quack.
Quack.
"Curse you, heathen!" yelled the Slytherin duckists, "You are a fiend who must BURN!"
They fed him to the whales.
Then the Author curled up in fetal position and rocked back and forth, "I don't like whales," she murmured, "They have big heads and tails and fins and spouts and noses and tongues and hairy teeth. . .help. . ."
She had a spasm of fear and was forced to discontinue the story. Her sister Fridolpha concluded it:
"Yes I have always liked your triangles and left right seven fingered Santa Clauses with large beards and red hairy brains with yuckied muckied grumbles and Madonna doesn't like you much because she forgot the name of the feminist from the eighteen hundreds whom wrote that book and the hens jumped because the bullet didn't like me," everyone said jollily. Jollily. Jollily. I have just died and left all my possessions to a penguin. The end.
Schizophrenic orthodontist.
"I HAVE IT!!!!"
A/N-Happy 20th chapter anniversary! As a gift, leave a NICE LONG REVIEW!!!! Thanks for reading!
Fitzwilliam Darcy is from "Pride and Prejudice" (one of the best books ever). Yes, I do have a whale phobia. I'm terrified to death of the things. I get the shivers just thinking about them. . .
Theaphelia: Yes, I stole the Kinsey/Turtle thing. Hope you don't care!
Want to know something funny? You can no longer have separate chapters as Authors Notes. So be warned that FF.Net will start enforcing this rule really soon, so if you have any chapters like that in your stories, you'd better change them! It's kind of ridiculous, but oh well.
Happy Birthday!
A/N-- CORRECTION AS OF 12/16/03-I WILL NOT BE ADDING ANYONE TO THE STORY IN RESPONSE TO FF.NET MANDATES, ETC. ETC. Kinsey's name is now Kidney Pantyhose, which means it is NOT her anymore, therefore I am breaking NO rules (officer, I swear!). . .
And then Hermione and Ron fell deeply in love. Harry cried. Now he had no friends to play with.
"I'll be your friend, Harryish," said several extras who wanted a moment to shine.
"Do not come near me, mortals!" cried Harry, "I am off on my valiant, noble, and oh-so-lovely steed on a quest! A quest to find my inner self!. . .or a Mary Sue, either one works for me!"
The orange question marks above the extras' heads were swelling to the size of hippopotamus' with rabbit teeth. They floated up to the ceiling, and there they stayed for all eternity.
"Oh great."
Meanwhile, Harry rode around in circles on his donkey named Otorhinolaryngologic-Diseases-With-A-Fringe (known as Odd-Waffle-With-Bangs for short).
"We must fly! To the ends of the Earth in search of her!" he cried, but they continued to go round in circles for quite some time.
"Professor?" said Kidney, quivering slightly, "I n-need help with the assignment. . ."
Snapeish turned around ferociously and chewed on his ham sandwich with frightful anger, "You will call me. . .Mr. Oink-Knickers when you address me, Miss Pantyhose. None of this Professor nonsense that you get away with the other teachers! Do you hear me?"
Kidney nodded, "Yes, Mr. Oink-Knickers."
"Well that's good, because I can't hear myself." Then he sighed and intoned wisely, "Pantyhose, if you only learn one thing from me all year, learn this: Never ingest the head of a Weasley."
"Yes Mr.-Mr. Oink-Mr. Oink Knickers-Oh ****, I quit! How is anyone supposed to keep a straight face doing this?" She stormed off screen angrily. Mr. Oink-Knickers grew a long neck and ran after her like a goose, nipping at her heels.
While she was running away from Mr. Oink-Knickers, Kidney ran right into Harry's donkey. This caused Harry to tumble off.
"Are you okay?" she asked, out of breath. Luckily, Mr. Oink-Knickers had been distracted by a gnat's brassiere and had given up the chase. Kinsey helped Harry up.
"Are you my mother?" was the first thing Harry said. (Now you must understand that Kidney has darkish blondish hair and brownish-greenish eyes and does not look at all like Lily the Keeper of Aspirin).
She hit him over the head with a sausage and left him there, next to Odd-Waffle-With-Bangs, "Are you a Mary-Sue?" he called eagerly, "No, wait! Mary-Sue! Come BAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKKKKKKACKACKACKACK!!"
She was hearing voices in her head, however, and she did not hear him. They were pretty voices. . .
"Oh, little mice!" cried Dumbledore, "Where are YOUUUUUUU?"
And then Ronaldo of the Grassland Fugue in Red became a pyromaniac. . .no, not a pyro a nymph-no, A KLEPTOMANIAC!
"Hmm," said Eleanor Branstone, "I can't find my schizophrenic orthodontist!"
"I HAVE IT!" Ron cackled softly to himself.
"Hmm," said Fitzwilliam Darcy, "I can't find my schizophrenic orthodontist."
"I HAVE IT!"
"Hmm," said Artemis Fowlish, "I can't find my schizophrenic orthadontist!"
"I HAVE IT!"
"Hmm," said Frederick Wealseyish, "I can't find my SMELL IN THE TRASH!" He began to do a dance involving waving around a top hat and lambasting people with a cane, while maintaining an enormous grin.
Eleanor, Fitzwilliam, and Artemis sacrificed Fred monk-style for not following the Pattern of Patterns. They then went to look for their schizophrenic orthodontists.
"I HAVE IT!" yelled Ron, hearing the word schizophrenic orthodontist.
"No, Ron," said Fitzwilliam Darcy, "Fred ruined it. The Pattern of Patterns is gone now. He killed it. There's no need to say anything after 'schizophrenic orthodontist' anymo-"
"I HAVE IT!"
Fitzwilliam hit him over the red head with Kidney Pantyhose.
"Hey lookie!" said Ronnie, "A Mary-Sue! Has Harry, Draco, or Mr. Oink-Knickers claimed you yet, or are you still free for the taking?"
"I AM NO MARY SUE!" she cried emphatically, "AND I AM NOT FREE FOR THE TAKING!" She began to sing "I Will Survive" or some other feminist song, but Ron interrupted her.
"Heh," said Ron, "Let's put you on the Mary-Sue-O-Meter, then and see how you measure up!"
"I refuse to be measured without the presence of my. . .TURTLEISH LAWYER!"
"I have a gnat," said Snape. . .er. . .Mr. Oink-Knickers, "He/she has a hat. I look like a bat. My skin is as soft as rose petals."
The hermaphrodite gnat went off in search of Beethoven the mouse-rat transvestite.
'In the name of Sir Snow Globe, get me OUT of here. . .' thought Kidney desperately.
"I have a hermaphrodite second cousin," said Hermione, "His name-uh, her name-well. . .Oh never mind!" she stormed off, reminding us very much of a dead president.
The extra's question marks popped and they fell dooooooown to the ground. Orange question-mark goo splattered all over everywhere. Filch developed a jealousy complex.
"Why couldn't I be a goldfish? All nice and happy! Swimming, swimming and la-di-da, with nothing to do but crash into glass walls. . ." he sobbed to himself as the bottle of Mrs. So-And-So's (Mrs. Thimble or Steward or Skittle or something) Magical, All-Purpose Stain Remover was devoured by the Goo and washed down with soapy water.
Then Harry took a wrong turn on the way to the loo/toilet/potty/bathroom/restroom. He found himself in a strange room with lots of blinky lights and odd measurement tools. He stepped onto an odd platform.
A mechanical voice said, "You are approximately 108 % Mary-Sue. Have a nice day!"
"What? But I'm totally a canon character! What is this? Sabotage?!"
"Hah!" cried the machine electronically, "Then why are your nails painted purplish?"
Harry began to have a mature fit involving lots of screaming and kicking random fluffy ducks.
Quack.
Quack.
Quack.
"Curse you, heathen!" yelled the Slytherin duckists, "You are a fiend who must BURN!"
They fed him to the whales.
Then the Author curled up in fetal position and rocked back and forth, "I don't like whales," she murmured, "They have big heads and tails and fins and spouts and noses and tongues and hairy teeth. . .help. . ."
She had a spasm of fear and was forced to discontinue the story. Her sister Fridolpha concluded it:
"Yes I have always liked your triangles and left right seven fingered Santa Clauses with large beards and red hairy brains with yuckied muckied grumbles and Madonna doesn't like you much because she forgot the name of the feminist from the eighteen hundreds whom wrote that book and the hens jumped because the bullet didn't like me," everyone said jollily. Jollily. Jollily. I have just died and left all my possessions to a penguin. The end.
Schizophrenic orthodontist.
"I HAVE IT!!!!"
A/N-Happy 20th chapter anniversary! As a gift, leave a NICE LONG REVIEW!!!! Thanks for reading!
Fitzwilliam Darcy is from "Pride and Prejudice" (one of the best books ever). Yes, I do have a whale phobia. I'm terrified to death of the things. I get the shivers just thinking about them. . .
Theaphelia: Yes, I stole the Kinsey/Turtle thing. Hope you don't care!
Want to know something funny? You can no longer have separate chapters as Authors Notes. So be warned that FF.Net will start enforcing this rule really soon, so if you have any chapters like that in your stories, you'd better change them! It's kind of ridiculous, but oh well.
Happy Birthday!