~Don't let your life, pass you by..
Weep not for the memory.
I'm so tired, that I can't sleep
Standing on the edge of something much too deep.
It's funny how we feel so much
And we cannot say the words,
And the screaming inside of me..
Can't be heard.
I will remember you. -Sarah McLaughlin-~
------------------------------
Faces were hovering above him. They were small, almost childlike.
Bikky.?
They had apparently gotten the news, judging by the grim, dull, and overall emotionless expressions. He figured they would be crushed, and break down sobbing, like any other kid would do.
Maybe they had already shed their tears.
Ryo sat up, shakily, propping himself up on one hand, occupying the other with rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
He felt better now. still horribly depressed, but better. However, even in his unconscious state, he knew that he had to be strong. for Carol and Bikky, and for Dee's family. Ryo blinked a moment, realizing the sad fact that Dee didn't have a family. His real family had abandoned him so long ago.
He choked up, but held back the tears; he had to be strong for them. He couldn't break down now, not now. He was the closest person to Dee, which meant he had to handle all the paperwork, the funeral arrangements, his final debts, moving and packing his stuff up.
He held a hand over his mouth, and closed his eyes, still trying to steady his thoughts. He hoped he could deal with all of this soon.
He tried to preoccupy his thoughts with some questions to himself. First off, where was he? He looked around the room slowly, and discovered that he was in his apartment. Good enough. He looked towards the corner that Carol and Bikky had retreated to.
They were looking on apprehensively, as if making sure he wouldn't keel over and die too. After all, he was something like a guardian to them, and if he were gone, where would they go?
He looked to them, and smiled, or rather, tried to muster up a somewhat rueful, twist of the lips that tried it's best to be a smile.
"You guys going to be okay?"
Bikky nodded, not speaking. He was staring down at his hands, fidgeting, and trying not to cry. Carol was obviously sad, but handling things better than Bikky was.
He sighed, and leaned over to the side of his head to fetch his wallet, only to realize that he still had all of his clothing on, and hadn't fallen asleep last night or anything. In fact, it was still the same day. He found his wallet in the back pocket of his pants. Fishing through for a moment, he realized he a little more money than he thought. He pulled out a fifty, and handed it to Carol.
"Go cheer up, okay, guys?"
Carol and Bikky were not ones to refuse money. They both looked at each other, looked at the money. Carol smiled gleefully and thanked Ryo profusely, and Bikky had the evil Bikky gleam back in his eyes, but still wouldn't talk to Ryo. They left the room hastily, most likely going to gamble with some other kids on the street.
He sighed in exasperation, but as long as it would make them happy.
He tossed his legs over the corner of the bed, almost like a ragdoll, and looked around. Dee's clothing and some personal belongings were still scattered about, as if he were coming back. He held a shaken hand over his mouth, trembling. Carol and Bikky were gone, so why was he still holding back?
"Because Dee wouldn't want me to cry. he'd laugh and say I was too sensitive." He replied quietly to himself.
He imagined him saying it, and grinning with that charismatic grin of his. That gleam in his eyes, and his hair sloppily done, but somehow looking neat and kempt. The way he wore his shirt with two buttons almost always undone.
It all came to him at once.
He fell to the ground, feeling as if he could scream. He clutched a blue shirt of Dee's, and pulled it to his chest, heaving uncontrollably. He wanted to scream, and just. break something so badly.
It wasn't fair that this had to happen. Why did it have to happen to Dee? Why not. him? He knew that Dee would be stronger than he. He was stronger. always so much stronger. And his recklessness that he had hated so much had helped so many times. He didn't deserve to die. and he even had to die at the hands of some money desperate idiot, who, by Dee's hand was dead as well. They had shot at the same time, and Dee's bullet had killed him instantly. It's not easy to survive a bullet to the head, after all.
He curled up pathetically, like a child who had just lost a pet. He sobbed relentlessly, clutching Dee's tear stained, smelly shirt to his face.
At least he got some time to let this badly needed stress out. He would need it later.
------------------------------
The funeral, in the least had been more like a solemn reception rather than a funeral. There was the classical black suits and dresses on the attendants (Ryo regretted calling it a funeral; he was in only one in casual dress), but the general mood had been uplifted at least a little. He had realized long ago that Dee wouldn't want a bunch of people getting depressed over his sake. But then again, he didn't feel that a wake was sufficient enough to remember him. Wakes usually were more like a party, and it just didn't feel right. Granted, it might have been easier for Bikky and Carol to deal with, but he just wouldn't have felt right.
Some of Dee's favorite alcohols were served for the older, of age participants, and Chocolate milk specifically for the kids. Some of the children and. "Penguin" had showed up from the orphanage, so there had to be enough for them too.
Over all, it wasn't as bad as Ryo thought it would be, but it was still too much like a funeral to keep him happy. But it wasn't himself that mattered. What mattered was honoring the dead, honoring someone that had made such impact in his life.
But it was so hard not to think about himself.
He sighed, and flopped into his desk chair, staring at a blank piece of paper and pencil sitting there. There were some travel brochures under it. they had been planning to go to another small hotel in the mountains, just for themselves. Not in England, of course. Neither of them were too keen on the idea of going back there. He pulled out one of them, which had a picture of the Rocky Mountains, in all of their blue brilliance, reflected in a small lake with blue spruce trees surrounding it. It looked so beautiful. but Dee didn't want to go there. He would have rather gone to a place like Hawaii. Mountains were never Dee's forte.
He flipped through it. The cost was relatively cheap. much cheaper than going to Hawaii would have been, anyway. There was horseback riding, swimming, canoeing, and hiking. They were the sorts of things that Ryo loved. He could go to Hawaii for his vacation, in honor of Dee, but he could never afford it. Not alone, anyway.
He needed a vacation soon.. He knew that. There was too much here that reminded him of Dee, and it all hurt him so much. It was too soon for him to deal with this pain.
He did have a good excuse, after all. It was no secret at this point that they were something like lovers, and losing a lover is devastating. Especially when you lose a lover like that. He set the brochure down, and glanced dumbly at the phone, suddenly remembering J.J.
Was he all right? He didn't much care.. he would have cared in the past, but now, nothing seemed to matter. He could at least call, and ask a nurse. He was almost confidant J.J. would not be up to speaking, if indeed he had survived. But there was no point in checking.
He picked it up, pressed some numbers almost subconsciously, and waited for an answer at the other end of the line.
"Yes. do you know what room Jemmy Jay. yes. that one. Can you connect me with his doctor? Thank you."
There was a pause, and a slight clicking at the other end of the line. Then a voice came up, a young, yet husky voice.
"Dr. Adams speaking." He said, with a definite tone of authority to his voice.
"Yes.. um.. hello, my name is Randy McLean. can you tell my about your patient J.J.. Or rather, Jemmy? His nickname is J.J."
"Yes. actually, he's all right." Said the doctor assuredly.
Ryo felt his throat nearly jump out of his mouth, and crawl away from him in anger. Why the hell was J.J. okay, and Dee was dead?? He couldn't understand.
"Oh, I see. how. how is that possible? He shot himself in the head." Ryo stuttered.
"Sometimes.. when someone tries to kill themselves, especially when it was as frantic as J.J.'s attempt, they shoot through a part of the head, where only the, to put it dumbly, 'cords' of his eyes, so that only his vision is affected. Granted, he is still in intensive care, but there is no doubt that he will live. Nothing but his vision was damaged."
"I see.. thank you." He said quickly, and hung up the phone in frustration. Why did someone who desired to die live, and someone who desired life die? He couldn't fathom it. He always knew that.. whoever was up there.. worked in mysterious ways, but he couldn't possibly comprehend why they chose Dee to go.
He stood, carefully, and in a fit of frustration, threw his chair into the wall. It broke in two, and fell to the ground uneventfully. He fell to his knees screaming, pulling at his hair. Why did this happen?? Why?! He hadn't even been on the job! Why did this happen to him!? Why did he lose everything he loved?
He sat on the floor, huddled like a caged animal, attempting to regain his composure. He prayed the no one had heard that. He was in an apartment building after all, and it was indeed possible that someone might contact the authorities. Ryo couldn't count how long he had sat there, shivering in rage, sorrow, frustration. but it didn't seem like long. He stood up shakily, supporting himself on his desk. He felt suddenly foolish for his little meltdown, and looked at the chair sheepishly, as if it were a stern mother, shaking her finger accusingly at her child. He slunk away from his room and the accusing chair, where there was nothing but the comfort of sweet darkness.
He sat on the couch, and took a last check around, to make sure He had packed away everything that had belonged to Dee. There didn't seem to be anything that he had missed, so it seemed safe to sleep out here.
He didn't think he could sleep in that room again, and wake up to find Dee's work clothes still scattered about, his toothbrush resting on the nightstand, the identification card that he had forgotten to take with him to the bank to cash his check.
If only he had remembered that I.D., and gone back for it, this wouldn't have happened.
Ryo shook that thought from his head, that ever-prominent thought of denial that people always had when they lost someone. The "What-ifs" and "If Only's". those things that never happened, and never could, because they hadn't, and it was too late now. He knew he just had to accept that fact. He curled up pathetically, still in his work clothes, and fluffed the small chenille throw pillow under his head.
This time, he simply fell asleep, not into dreamless or restless sleep, but sleep in it's simplest form.
------------------------------
"You're going where?!?" Carol asked, holding a cup of coffee casually in her right hand.
"To Colorado," he replied simply, waving the brochure in front of her. "It's only for two weeks, and I just need some time to, you know, recuperate, if you can call it that."
Bikky frowned at him. "And you can't at least take us along?"
"Bikky.I just need some time to myself. I promise, that next time.. you can come, all right? Fair enough?"
The boy sighed. "Fine fine.. but that means." he said, with a wicked glint to his eyes, "I get free reign on your apartment, and I get to throw a party!!"
"No parties." Ryo replied calmly yet sternly. "You can have the apartment for the next two weeks if you want, but no parties."
He growled, and continued sipping on the soda that he seemed to think was breakfast.
"Well, have a good time there then.. where again, were you going?"
"Colorado," he repeated.
"No, I mean where in Colorado?"
"Aspen. There are some mountain resorts there, and I wanted to go to one of them. Don't worry, I'll bring you back something, if that's what you are getting at."
Carol blushed and laughed slightly. "I don't really want anything from Colorado.. unless it's a dream catcher! I know that they sell those in souvenir shops a lot."
"All right.. I'll get you both a dream catcher."
"Tha-anks!" Carol sang. "But you don't need to worry about it."
Ryo sighed. He could see right through these two. They were great kids, but very materialistic.
"Well, I better go get packed." Ryo said and stood, pushing his chair away from the table.
"Huh, when are you leaving?" Bikky asked, his attention averted from the carbonated sugar.
"In three days." He said, and left it at that as he disappeared into the hallway. The two sat and looked at each other. There was something odd about this whole situation, and both of them knew it, but neither spoke it.
Carol went back to drinking her coffee and nibbling on her scrambled eggs, and Bikky simply got up and got more soda.
------------------------------
"There's always some reason
to not feel good enough,
and it's hard at the end of the day.
Need some distraction,
Oh, beautiful release.
Memories seep through my veins.
***
In the arms of the angel,
Fly away from here."
~Sarah Mclaughlin~
------------------------------
~Wow, this is going on longer than I expected. ^_^ I hope you all like it! And sorry for drawing it out so long, I just can't write short stories! Please wait for the next chapter!~
Weep not for the memory.
I'm so tired, that I can't sleep
Standing on the edge of something much too deep.
It's funny how we feel so much
And we cannot say the words,
And the screaming inside of me..
Can't be heard.
I will remember you. -Sarah McLaughlin-~
------------------------------
Faces were hovering above him. They were small, almost childlike.
Bikky.?
They had apparently gotten the news, judging by the grim, dull, and overall emotionless expressions. He figured they would be crushed, and break down sobbing, like any other kid would do.
Maybe they had already shed their tears.
Ryo sat up, shakily, propping himself up on one hand, occupying the other with rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
He felt better now. still horribly depressed, but better. However, even in his unconscious state, he knew that he had to be strong. for Carol and Bikky, and for Dee's family. Ryo blinked a moment, realizing the sad fact that Dee didn't have a family. His real family had abandoned him so long ago.
He choked up, but held back the tears; he had to be strong for them. He couldn't break down now, not now. He was the closest person to Dee, which meant he had to handle all the paperwork, the funeral arrangements, his final debts, moving and packing his stuff up.
He held a hand over his mouth, and closed his eyes, still trying to steady his thoughts. He hoped he could deal with all of this soon.
He tried to preoccupy his thoughts with some questions to himself. First off, where was he? He looked around the room slowly, and discovered that he was in his apartment. Good enough. He looked towards the corner that Carol and Bikky had retreated to.
They were looking on apprehensively, as if making sure he wouldn't keel over and die too. After all, he was something like a guardian to them, and if he were gone, where would they go?
He looked to them, and smiled, or rather, tried to muster up a somewhat rueful, twist of the lips that tried it's best to be a smile.
"You guys going to be okay?"
Bikky nodded, not speaking. He was staring down at his hands, fidgeting, and trying not to cry. Carol was obviously sad, but handling things better than Bikky was.
He sighed, and leaned over to the side of his head to fetch his wallet, only to realize that he still had all of his clothing on, and hadn't fallen asleep last night or anything. In fact, it was still the same day. He found his wallet in the back pocket of his pants. Fishing through for a moment, he realized he a little more money than he thought. He pulled out a fifty, and handed it to Carol.
"Go cheer up, okay, guys?"
Carol and Bikky were not ones to refuse money. They both looked at each other, looked at the money. Carol smiled gleefully and thanked Ryo profusely, and Bikky had the evil Bikky gleam back in his eyes, but still wouldn't talk to Ryo. They left the room hastily, most likely going to gamble with some other kids on the street.
He sighed in exasperation, but as long as it would make them happy.
He tossed his legs over the corner of the bed, almost like a ragdoll, and looked around. Dee's clothing and some personal belongings were still scattered about, as if he were coming back. He held a shaken hand over his mouth, trembling. Carol and Bikky were gone, so why was he still holding back?
"Because Dee wouldn't want me to cry. he'd laugh and say I was too sensitive." He replied quietly to himself.
He imagined him saying it, and grinning with that charismatic grin of his. That gleam in his eyes, and his hair sloppily done, but somehow looking neat and kempt. The way he wore his shirt with two buttons almost always undone.
It all came to him at once.
He fell to the ground, feeling as if he could scream. He clutched a blue shirt of Dee's, and pulled it to his chest, heaving uncontrollably. He wanted to scream, and just. break something so badly.
It wasn't fair that this had to happen. Why did it have to happen to Dee? Why not. him? He knew that Dee would be stronger than he. He was stronger. always so much stronger. And his recklessness that he had hated so much had helped so many times. He didn't deserve to die. and he even had to die at the hands of some money desperate idiot, who, by Dee's hand was dead as well. They had shot at the same time, and Dee's bullet had killed him instantly. It's not easy to survive a bullet to the head, after all.
He curled up pathetically, like a child who had just lost a pet. He sobbed relentlessly, clutching Dee's tear stained, smelly shirt to his face.
At least he got some time to let this badly needed stress out. He would need it later.
------------------------------
The funeral, in the least had been more like a solemn reception rather than a funeral. There was the classical black suits and dresses on the attendants (Ryo regretted calling it a funeral; he was in only one in casual dress), but the general mood had been uplifted at least a little. He had realized long ago that Dee wouldn't want a bunch of people getting depressed over his sake. But then again, he didn't feel that a wake was sufficient enough to remember him. Wakes usually were more like a party, and it just didn't feel right. Granted, it might have been easier for Bikky and Carol to deal with, but he just wouldn't have felt right.
Some of Dee's favorite alcohols were served for the older, of age participants, and Chocolate milk specifically for the kids. Some of the children and. "Penguin" had showed up from the orphanage, so there had to be enough for them too.
Over all, it wasn't as bad as Ryo thought it would be, but it was still too much like a funeral to keep him happy. But it wasn't himself that mattered. What mattered was honoring the dead, honoring someone that had made such impact in his life.
But it was so hard not to think about himself.
He sighed, and flopped into his desk chair, staring at a blank piece of paper and pencil sitting there. There were some travel brochures under it. they had been planning to go to another small hotel in the mountains, just for themselves. Not in England, of course. Neither of them were too keen on the idea of going back there. He pulled out one of them, which had a picture of the Rocky Mountains, in all of their blue brilliance, reflected in a small lake with blue spruce trees surrounding it. It looked so beautiful. but Dee didn't want to go there. He would have rather gone to a place like Hawaii. Mountains were never Dee's forte.
He flipped through it. The cost was relatively cheap. much cheaper than going to Hawaii would have been, anyway. There was horseback riding, swimming, canoeing, and hiking. They were the sorts of things that Ryo loved. He could go to Hawaii for his vacation, in honor of Dee, but he could never afford it. Not alone, anyway.
He needed a vacation soon.. He knew that. There was too much here that reminded him of Dee, and it all hurt him so much. It was too soon for him to deal with this pain.
He did have a good excuse, after all. It was no secret at this point that they were something like lovers, and losing a lover is devastating. Especially when you lose a lover like that. He set the brochure down, and glanced dumbly at the phone, suddenly remembering J.J.
Was he all right? He didn't much care.. he would have cared in the past, but now, nothing seemed to matter. He could at least call, and ask a nurse. He was almost confidant J.J. would not be up to speaking, if indeed he had survived. But there was no point in checking.
He picked it up, pressed some numbers almost subconsciously, and waited for an answer at the other end of the line.
"Yes. do you know what room Jemmy Jay. yes. that one. Can you connect me with his doctor? Thank you."
There was a pause, and a slight clicking at the other end of the line. Then a voice came up, a young, yet husky voice.
"Dr. Adams speaking." He said, with a definite tone of authority to his voice.
"Yes.. um.. hello, my name is Randy McLean. can you tell my about your patient J.J.. Or rather, Jemmy? His nickname is J.J."
"Yes. actually, he's all right." Said the doctor assuredly.
Ryo felt his throat nearly jump out of his mouth, and crawl away from him in anger. Why the hell was J.J. okay, and Dee was dead?? He couldn't understand.
"Oh, I see. how. how is that possible? He shot himself in the head." Ryo stuttered.
"Sometimes.. when someone tries to kill themselves, especially when it was as frantic as J.J.'s attempt, they shoot through a part of the head, where only the, to put it dumbly, 'cords' of his eyes, so that only his vision is affected. Granted, he is still in intensive care, but there is no doubt that he will live. Nothing but his vision was damaged."
"I see.. thank you." He said quickly, and hung up the phone in frustration. Why did someone who desired to die live, and someone who desired life die? He couldn't fathom it. He always knew that.. whoever was up there.. worked in mysterious ways, but he couldn't possibly comprehend why they chose Dee to go.
He stood, carefully, and in a fit of frustration, threw his chair into the wall. It broke in two, and fell to the ground uneventfully. He fell to his knees screaming, pulling at his hair. Why did this happen?? Why?! He hadn't even been on the job! Why did this happen to him!? Why did he lose everything he loved?
He sat on the floor, huddled like a caged animal, attempting to regain his composure. He prayed the no one had heard that. He was in an apartment building after all, and it was indeed possible that someone might contact the authorities. Ryo couldn't count how long he had sat there, shivering in rage, sorrow, frustration. but it didn't seem like long. He stood up shakily, supporting himself on his desk. He felt suddenly foolish for his little meltdown, and looked at the chair sheepishly, as if it were a stern mother, shaking her finger accusingly at her child. He slunk away from his room and the accusing chair, where there was nothing but the comfort of sweet darkness.
He sat on the couch, and took a last check around, to make sure He had packed away everything that had belonged to Dee. There didn't seem to be anything that he had missed, so it seemed safe to sleep out here.
He didn't think he could sleep in that room again, and wake up to find Dee's work clothes still scattered about, his toothbrush resting on the nightstand, the identification card that he had forgotten to take with him to the bank to cash his check.
If only he had remembered that I.D., and gone back for it, this wouldn't have happened.
Ryo shook that thought from his head, that ever-prominent thought of denial that people always had when they lost someone. The "What-ifs" and "If Only's". those things that never happened, and never could, because they hadn't, and it was too late now. He knew he just had to accept that fact. He curled up pathetically, still in his work clothes, and fluffed the small chenille throw pillow under his head.
This time, he simply fell asleep, not into dreamless or restless sleep, but sleep in it's simplest form.
------------------------------
"You're going where?!?" Carol asked, holding a cup of coffee casually in her right hand.
"To Colorado," he replied simply, waving the brochure in front of her. "It's only for two weeks, and I just need some time to, you know, recuperate, if you can call it that."
Bikky frowned at him. "And you can't at least take us along?"
"Bikky.I just need some time to myself. I promise, that next time.. you can come, all right? Fair enough?"
The boy sighed. "Fine fine.. but that means." he said, with a wicked glint to his eyes, "I get free reign on your apartment, and I get to throw a party!!"
"No parties." Ryo replied calmly yet sternly. "You can have the apartment for the next two weeks if you want, but no parties."
He growled, and continued sipping on the soda that he seemed to think was breakfast.
"Well, have a good time there then.. where again, were you going?"
"Colorado," he repeated.
"No, I mean where in Colorado?"
"Aspen. There are some mountain resorts there, and I wanted to go to one of them. Don't worry, I'll bring you back something, if that's what you are getting at."
Carol blushed and laughed slightly. "I don't really want anything from Colorado.. unless it's a dream catcher! I know that they sell those in souvenir shops a lot."
"All right.. I'll get you both a dream catcher."
"Tha-anks!" Carol sang. "But you don't need to worry about it."
Ryo sighed. He could see right through these two. They were great kids, but very materialistic.
"Well, I better go get packed." Ryo said and stood, pushing his chair away from the table.
"Huh, when are you leaving?" Bikky asked, his attention averted from the carbonated sugar.
"In three days." He said, and left it at that as he disappeared into the hallway. The two sat and looked at each other. There was something odd about this whole situation, and both of them knew it, but neither spoke it.
Carol went back to drinking her coffee and nibbling on her scrambled eggs, and Bikky simply got up and got more soda.
------------------------------
"There's always some reason
to not feel good enough,
and it's hard at the end of the day.
Need some distraction,
Oh, beautiful release.
Memories seep through my veins.
***
In the arms of the angel,
Fly away from here."
~Sarah Mclaughlin~
------------------------------
~Wow, this is going on longer than I expected. ^_^ I hope you all like it! And sorry for drawing it out so long, I just can't write short stories! Please wait for the next chapter!~