Starting Over 4 - Darkest Secrets
"Angel, have you got a minute?"
The ensoulled vampire paused in his kata and nodded, curious at what made the youngster sound more nervous than he had the previous day when he'd faced down Buffy. "What do you want Xander?"
"We need to talk."
The vampire raised an eyebrow. Curiouser and curiouser, he and Xander had never managed a meaningful conversation in all the time they'd known each other. He gestured towards a workout bench. "Take a seat."
After hesitating for a second the youth obeyed. Long seconds passed before the teenager spoke. "It's my fault you were sent to hell."
Angel's eyes narrowed. "What do you mean?"
"I knew Will was going to re-try the soul restoration spell but didn't tell Buffy."
It was an effort, but Angel managed to force down the demonic rage surging up inside him. After all he'd done a great deal worse to those far more undeserving than him. "Why?"
"Fear."
The younger man's one word answer threw him. It wasn't at all what he expected - jealousy, hatred, anger, maybe. "Fear?"
"I was afraid that if I told Buff, she wouldn't go all out, that she'd stall and you'd defeat her. End the world, even my crappy part of it."
The vampire took a calming breath. The boy had done the right thing and, judging from what he'd said, for the right reasons. Even if it did hurt him. Suddenly he realised the boy had stood and walked to the dojo door. "Where are you going?"
The youth stopped but didn't turn. "To pack my stuff and leave."
"Why?"
Xander still didn't turn to face him. "Well you won't want me here now will you? Not that you ever did, I'm just your ex's annoying former friend. I'd appreciate it if you didn't make Faith leave if she wants to stay though."
"Why did you tell me?" Now the boy did turn to face him. "Because it would have been wrong staying here, under your roof, and not telling you." The youth turned back to the door but before he could take more than a couple more steps towards it, Angel was in the way.
"You're not going anywhere."
Xander's face paled. Clenching his fists, the younger man stared up defiantly at him. "You want a fight Angel? 'Cause that's what you'll get. Not even my dad gets to hit me for free, not anymore."
Pain lanced through the vampire's heart at Xander's last words. All at once he was assaulted by memories of his own belt-wielding father. "Sit down Xander," he said with gentle firmness. When the youth had obeyed, he continued. "Who says you have to leave?"
Xander raised an eyebrow. "I did send you to hell."
"True," Angel nodded thoughtfully. "But the way I see it you did the right thing," he chuckled darkly. "For the world at least."
"So I can stay?"
"Xander, Faith needs you here."
The younger man snorted. "Sure she does. You're the world's leading redemption expert and Wes is this mega-brain with all the knowledge about Slayers and their problems. Me?" the youth shrugged. "I'm just the Zeppo, donut boy."
Angel winced inwardly at the boy's lack of self-esteem. "For god's sake Xander," he said softly. "It wasn't me or Wes Faith came to for help. She came to you, she believes in, trusts, you. Now I've never known you betray a trust, you're not going to start now are you?" He smiled at the boy's slow shake of the head, sometimes the longest journey starts with the smallest step. "So what are you going to do for work?"
"Fast food counters, construction maybe."
"Wrong."
"Uh?"
The vampire chuckled; he was going to enjoy this. "I'm going to hire you as a member of Angel Investigations."
As expected, Xander looked dumbfounded. "Me? Why?"
"A number of reasons. Once Faith is fit, having a Slayer on staff will give us serious creditability and I doubt Faith will agree without your inclusion."
"Great, hanger on again."
"Shut up and listen. Secondly, I didn't agree with Buffy pushing you out last year but went along with it -."
"Anything for a quiet life."
"Exactly. You're resourceful, brave, and quick-witted."
"Hey," Xander broke in with a grin. "Now that Will's probably vacated the presidency of my fan club on the orders of General Summers you could apply."
Angel chuckled. "Hardly. You're also hot-tempered, impulsive, and immature. But you're a good man in a fight and I know you won't let me or the others down."
"Thanks Angel," the youth looked embarrassed. "This doesn't mean we're buddies?"
"Hell no, let's keep this an employee-employer relationship," Angel chuckled; if nothing else Xander was entertaining. Something else occurred to the vampire. "Tell me about the soldier that possessed you two Halloweens ago."
The youth's brow furrowed in puzzlement. "Why?"
"Humour me."
"Okay." Angel watched as the teenager concentrated. "Sgt. Joe Dawson born in Brooklyn, 1952. Signed up 1970. Was one of the few rookies to be accepted into an elite Special Forces unit working behind enemy lines in Vietnam, Largos, and Cambodia. Was decorated six times in four tours. Specialist in sniping, explosives, guerrilla warfare, and unarmed combat. After leaving the military in '75 toured the Orient for 4 years, learning the martial arts. Returned to the U.S. in," surprise flooded the young man's face. "Shit."
"What's up?"
"Throughout the 80s, Dawson worked as a demon hunter. Even worked with two Slayers, in New Orleans in '82 for eight months and in Chicago for eleven months from early '89."
"How did he die?"
"His memories end sometime in '93. So why do you want to know all this?"
The vampire didn't answer immediately. His ex had to be a complete airhead not to utilise this resource. If he could get Xander to tip in more regularly to the soldier within him he could be a real asset. "I'm going to train you."
"Oh no, that look on your face. You're sure you're not Angelus?"
The vampire smiled. If nothing else having Xander around would be interesting. Oh god, Xander and Cordy, the vampire shuddered. Maybe hell hadn't been such a bad place after all.
* * *
"How you doing beautiful?"
Faith smiled wanly. Whenever a man had complimented her in the past it was because they wanted something, usually her body. Not Xand though, sweet, gentle Xand. She still didn't understand why he'd agreed to her desperate pleadings for help. "X..Xand, can I ask you something?"
The man smiled before brushing her hair off her face. "Whatever you want."
The girl smiled at the comfort she got from her friend's touch, knowing that she could trust him. "W..why are you helping me?"
The youth's expression darkened to such an extent that the girl recoiled in fright until the young man pulled her close. "It's not you I'm angry at Faith," he whispered in her ear. "It's our parents. Hell, our childhoods are so similar that we could almost be brother and sister."
"That's not what you said that night in my hotel room," for the first time in a long while she giggled, then laughed at the flushed red in her friend's cheeks.
"Hey! I'm trying to get deep here!" her friend chuckled before turning serious again. "I was lucky enough to have some friends and a great father figure in G-Man otherwise I might have ended up an abusive drunk like dad. You didn't have my luck."
"D..do you miss them?"
Xander's eyes filled with pain. "I miss who they were, not what they've become. Truth is over the past year I've gotten pretty damn sick of the way they've decided that I'm not good enough to help."
"If you were -."
Xander ended her question with a finger to the lips. "What they were planning to do to you was wrong and I wouldn't have let them, friends or no friends. I know you can be a good person. All you need is some help and a chance."
The girl's heart blossomed. He believed in her, after she nearly killed him, hurt his friends, and even tried to help end the world. He still believed in her. Smirking, the brunette moved closed to her friend, snuggling her head into his chest. She would show him he was right. Because she was falling in love with him.
* * *
"How's she doing?"
Xander glanced at Sunnydale's former head cheerleader. He was surprised to see very real concern in his ex's beautiful face. "Better than yesterday. Still skittish but more coherent."
"Can't imagine the brash hellcat Faith as skittish," Cordy commented.
"A lot of that brashness was just an act to hide behind."
Cordy nodded. "We both know about acts."
Xander's eyes widened in surprise. He hadn't expected such insight from the former cheerleader, but she was right. He'd hidden the shame of his abusive childhood behind a layer of buffoonery while Cordelia had hidden her own loneliness behind a snobbish exterior.
The cheerleader clearly registered his shock because she let out a laugh. "I'm not quite the self-obsessed, insensitive bitch you remember."
He smiled. "I can see that," the smile wavered. "I've never apol-."
It was his turn to be stopped by a finger to the lips. "Because of you I lost my position, my friends," the cheerleader began sternly before smiling. "But I also gained self-respect, true confidence, and the ability to judge people not by their wallet and clothes but by what's really important - their heart. I really enjoyed the year we had together, even if you didn't listen to a word I said about clothes," he chuckled. "We weren't meant to be, Geek Boy."
Xander grinned at hearing one of his high school nicknames. "You know I've missed the insults. I'm going to enjoy hearing them now that I'm an employee of Angel Investigations."
"Really!" Cordy's beaming smile only lasted a second before she pouted. "I'll have to talk to Angel. Your salary is so not coming out of mine."
Xander chuckled. "Apparently you haven't changed that much."
His ex glared at him for a few seconds before speaking. "Do you think Faith would mind if I sat with her?"
"Sit with her, why?" Faith and Cordy had always had a mutual hate society going.
"I remember back in Sunnydale. The three of us were the Scooby Outsiders really. You because you were Mr. Slightly Less Than Average, I was only tolerated as your girl-friend and Faith because she was Jenny Come-Lately. I remember how desperately she tried to fit in at first but they, Buffy and Willow, decided she wasn't good enough. Anything she did was down to them telling her she didn't fit, she really wanted to be accepted - all they did was push her away. Hell, in the end all they wanted her for was the scut work they didn't want to do, so that Buff could go away to college," Cordelia shook her head in disgust. "Not that Giles and I were much better. The only people who really tried were you and Angel."
His ex clearly had hidden depths, her thoughts very nearly mirrored his own. "I'm sure she'd love a new friend. Just be gentle, okay."
Cordy winked at him. "Well Xander," she purred. "Surely you remember how gentle I can be?"
"Angel, have you got a minute?"
The ensoulled vampire paused in his kata and nodded, curious at what made the youngster sound more nervous than he had the previous day when he'd faced down Buffy. "What do you want Xander?"
"We need to talk."
The vampire raised an eyebrow. Curiouser and curiouser, he and Xander had never managed a meaningful conversation in all the time they'd known each other. He gestured towards a workout bench. "Take a seat."
After hesitating for a second the youth obeyed. Long seconds passed before the teenager spoke. "It's my fault you were sent to hell."
Angel's eyes narrowed. "What do you mean?"
"I knew Will was going to re-try the soul restoration spell but didn't tell Buffy."
It was an effort, but Angel managed to force down the demonic rage surging up inside him. After all he'd done a great deal worse to those far more undeserving than him. "Why?"
"Fear."
The younger man's one word answer threw him. It wasn't at all what he expected - jealousy, hatred, anger, maybe. "Fear?"
"I was afraid that if I told Buff, she wouldn't go all out, that she'd stall and you'd defeat her. End the world, even my crappy part of it."
The vampire took a calming breath. The boy had done the right thing and, judging from what he'd said, for the right reasons. Even if it did hurt him. Suddenly he realised the boy had stood and walked to the dojo door. "Where are you going?"
The youth stopped but didn't turn. "To pack my stuff and leave."
"Why?"
Xander still didn't turn to face him. "Well you won't want me here now will you? Not that you ever did, I'm just your ex's annoying former friend. I'd appreciate it if you didn't make Faith leave if she wants to stay though."
"Why did you tell me?" Now the boy did turn to face him. "Because it would have been wrong staying here, under your roof, and not telling you." The youth turned back to the door but before he could take more than a couple more steps towards it, Angel was in the way.
"You're not going anywhere."
Xander's face paled. Clenching his fists, the younger man stared up defiantly at him. "You want a fight Angel? 'Cause that's what you'll get. Not even my dad gets to hit me for free, not anymore."
Pain lanced through the vampire's heart at Xander's last words. All at once he was assaulted by memories of his own belt-wielding father. "Sit down Xander," he said with gentle firmness. When the youth had obeyed, he continued. "Who says you have to leave?"
Xander raised an eyebrow. "I did send you to hell."
"True," Angel nodded thoughtfully. "But the way I see it you did the right thing," he chuckled darkly. "For the world at least."
"So I can stay?"
"Xander, Faith needs you here."
The younger man snorted. "Sure she does. You're the world's leading redemption expert and Wes is this mega-brain with all the knowledge about Slayers and their problems. Me?" the youth shrugged. "I'm just the Zeppo, donut boy."
Angel winced inwardly at the boy's lack of self-esteem. "For god's sake Xander," he said softly. "It wasn't me or Wes Faith came to for help. She came to you, she believes in, trusts, you. Now I've never known you betray a trust, you're not going to start now are you?" He smiled at the boy's slow shake of the head, sometimes the longest journey starts with the smallest step. "So what are you going to do for work?"
"Fast food counters, construction maybe."
"Wrong."
"Uh?"
The vampire chuckled; he was going to enjoy this. "I'm going to hire you as a member of Angel Investigations."
As expected, Xander looked dumbfounded. "Me? Why?"
"A number of reasons. Once Faith is fit, having a Slayer on staff will give us serious creditability and I doubt Faith will agree without your inclusion."
"Great, hanger on again."
"Shut up and listen. Secondly, I didn't agree with Buffy pushing you out last year but went along with it -."
"Anything for a quiet life."
"Exactly. You're resourceful, brave, and quick-witted."
"Hey," Xander broke in with a grin. "Now that Will's probably vacated the presidency of my fan club on the orders of General Summers you could apply."
Angel chuckled. "Hardly. You're also hot-tempered, impulsive, and immature. But you're a good man in a fight and I know you won't let me or the others down."
"Thanks Angel," the youth looked embarrassed. "This doesn't mean we're buddies?"
"Hell no, let's keep this an employee-employer relationship," Angel chuckled; if nothing else Xander was entertaining. Something else occurred to the vampire. "Tell me about the soldier that possessed you two Halloweens ago."
The youth's brow furrowed in puzzlement. "Why?"
"Humour me."
"Okay." Angel watched as the teenager concentrated. "Sgt. Joe Dawson born in Brooklyn, 1952. Signed up 1970. Was one of the few rookies to be accepted into an elite Special Forces unit working behind enemy lines in Vietnam, Largos, and Cambodia. Was decorated six times in four tours. Specialist in sniping, explosives, guerrilla warfare, and unarmed combat. After leaving the military in '75 toured the Orient for 4 years, learning the martial arts. Returned to the U.S. in," surprise flooded the young man's face. "Shit."
"What's up?"
"Throughout the 80s, Dawson worked as a demon hunter. Even worked with two Slayers, in New Orleans in '82 for eight months and in Chicago for eleven months from early '89."
"How did he die?"
"His memories end sometime in '93. So why do you want to know all this?"
The vampire didn't answer immediately. His ex had to be a complete airhead not to utilise this resource. If he could get Xander to tip in more regularly to the soldier within him he could be a real asset. "I'm going to train you."
"Oh no, that look on your face. You're sure you're not Angelus?"
The vampire smiled. If nothing else having Xander around would be interesting. Oh god, Xander and Cordy, the vampire shuddered. Maybe hell hadn't been such a bad place after all.
* * *
"How you doing beautiful?"
Faith smiled wanly. Whenever a man had complimented her in the past it was because they wanted something, usually her body. Not Xand though, sweet, gentle Xand. She still didn't understand why he'd agreed to her desperate pleadings for help. "X..Xand, can I ask you something?"
The man smiled before brushing her hair off her face. "Whatever you want."
The girl smiled at the comfort she got from her friend's touch, knowing that she could trust him. "W..why are you helping me?"
The youth's expression darkened to such an extent that the girl recoiled in fright until the young man pulled her close. "It's not you I'm angry at Faith," he whispered in her ear. "It's our parents. Hell, our childhoods are so similar that we could almost be brother and sister."
"That's not what you said that night in my hotel room," for the first time in a long while she giggled, then laughed at the flushed red in her friend's cheeks.
"Hey! I'm trying to get deep here!" her friend chuckled before turning serious again. "I was lucky enough to have some friends and a great father figure in G-Man otherwise I might have ended up an abusive drunk like dad. You didn't have my luck."
"D..do you miss them?"
Xander's eyes filled with pain. "I miss who they were, not what they've become. Truth is over the past year I've gotten pretty damn sick of the way they've decided that I'm not good enough to help."
"If you were -."
Xander ended her question with a finger to the lips. "What they were planning to do to you was wrong and I wouldn't have let them, friends or no friends. I know you can be a good person. All you need is some help and a chance."
The girl's heart blossomed. He believed in her, after she nearly killed him, hurt his friends, and even tried to help end the world. He still believed in her. Smirking, the brunette moved closed to her friend, snuggling her head into his chest. She would show him he was right. Because she was falling in love with him.
* * *
"How's she doing?"
Xander glanced at Sunnydale's former head cheerleader. He was surprised to see very real concern in his ex's beautiful face. "Better than yesterday. Still skittish but more coherent."
"Can't imagine the brash hellcat Faith as skittish," Cordy commented.
"A lot of that brashness was just an act to hide behind."
Cordy nodded. "We both know about acts."
Xander's eyes widened in surprise. He hadn't expected such insight from the former cheerleader, but she was right. He'd hidden the shame of his abusive childhood behind a layer of buffoonery while Cordelia had hidden her own loneliness behind a snobbish exterior.
The cheerleader clearly registered his shock because she let out a laugh. "I'm not quite the self-obsessed, insensitive bitch you remember."
He smiled. "I can see that," the smile wavered. "I've never apol-."
It was his turn to be stopped by a finger to the lips. "Because of you I lost my position, my friends," the cheerleader began sternly before smiling. "But I also gained self-respect, true confidence, and the ability to judge people not by their wallet and clothes but by what's really important - their heart. I really enjoyed the year we had together, even if you didn't listen to a word I said about clothes," he chuckled. "We weren't meant to be, Geek Boy."
Xander grinned at hearing one of his high school nicknames. "You know I've missed the insults. I'm going to enjoy hearing them now that I'm an employee of Angel Investigations."
"Really!" Cordy's beaming smile only lasted a second before she pouted. "I'll have to talk to Angel. Your salary is so not coming out of mine."
Xander chuckled. "Apparently you haven't changed that much."
His ex glared at him for a few seconds before speaking. "Do you think Faith would mind if I sat with her?"
"Sit with her, why?" Faith and Cordy had always had a mutual hate society going.
"I remember back in Sunnydale. The three of us were the Scooby Outsiders really. You because you were Mr. Slightly Less Than Average, I was only tolerated as your girl-friend and Faith because she was Jenny Come-Lately. I remember how desperately she tried to fit in at first but they, Buffy and Willow, decided she wasn't good enough. Anything she did was down to them telling her she didn't fit, she really wanted to be accepted - all they did was push her away. Hell, in the end all they wanted her for was the scut work they didn't want to do, so that Buff could go away to college," Cordelia shook her head in disgust. "Not that Giles and I were much better. The only people who really tried were you and Angel."
His ex clearly had hidden depths, her thoughts very nearly mirrored his own. "I'm sure she'd love a new friend. Just be gentle, okay."
Cordy winked at him. "Well Xander," she purred. "Surely you remember how gentle I can be?"