A Very
Harry Christmas Chapter Two: T'was Two Months Before
Christmas.
AN: This poem can be found in its original context at and was originally
written by Henry Livingston Jr. I do not own Harry Potter, this poem, or
Microsoft. Unfortunately.
Warning: The author(s) is/are not responsible for any brain damage caused by
the lack of rhyming or wit in this chapter.
ANOTHER Irritating Note: This is James' POV ^~ And on
with the show.
T'was two months before Christmas, and all
through the house
Not a creature was dying, not even a mouse;
The wards were all placed on the doors with great care;
In hopes that Ol' Voldie would not find them there.
Harry was nestled all snug in his bed,
While visions of bacon danced in his head;
And mama in the kitchen, cooking a duck;
And me getting ready for a nice winter fuck
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bedroom to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But the dark lord, and an empty 6-pack of beer.
His looked a bit drunken, not lively or quick,
I knew in a moment that he must be sick.
More rapid than raptors his vomit it came,
And he retched, and screeched, and shouted profanities!
"Now, WANKER! now, BASTARD! now, CRACKWHORE and STENCH!
On, ASSCLOWN! on, SLUT! on, BITCH and on, WENCH!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
I'm going to kill them, HAHA. Kill them all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
And up to the house-top Ol' Voldie he flew,
With Satan on his arm, and good old Death, too.
I cried out to Lily and told her to run,
I would face Voldie to save her and our son;
She kissed me goodbye and it was very sad,
She was the best lay that I had ever had.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard, by chance
The prancing and giggling as he did a dance.
As I began to run, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Voldie came with a bound.
He was dressed all in black velvet, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A spell trapping us inside he placed on the door,
And he looked like a pimp just selling his whore.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His sharp little fangs made him look rather queer,
They were all the better to eat you with, my dear.
A stick of a wand he held in his grasp,
He said he would kill me, I let out a gasp;
I pulled out my wand and dueled him, quite proudly,
It was over when he shouted "Petrificus totalus!" loudly.
He was stupid, evilly so, a big ugly elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon let me know that I now was dead.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And killed my poor Lily; then turned with a jerk,
And sticking his finger inside of his nose,
And giving a nod, upstairs to Harry he rose;
I'm sure you know what happened after this,
So you won't mind if this part I miss.
I am too stupid to make that part rhyme,
I'm running out of brain cells and time-
Hahahha, it is FUNNY because it is TRUE;
Though I'm sure you wouldn't laugh if it happened to you.
A rather large man came, Hagrid was his name,
He was rescuing Harry, and it was not a game;
He would take him to live with his uncle and aunt,
For the plot of the books, live with Sirius he can't.
Hagrid sprang to his motorcycle, and the radio gave a whistle,
And away he now flew like the down of a thistle.
But the neighbors heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"I SURE NEED SOME BOOZE. WHAT A SHITTY NIGHT!"
THE END.
Note: Any similarities to real persons, places, or happenings
is purely coincidental. But I will still laugh at it. Hahaha.