A Very Harry Christmas

Chapter 2 ½ :

            A most disgruntled Severus sat on his bed in the Slytherin Boy's dormitory, wondering what the point of that forsaken experience had been.

            It proved nothing. It further instilled why he hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season! Please don't ask why, we just showed you the reason. With bitter thoughts towards Archibald he flopped backwards onto his bed, glaring at nothing in particular.

            The first of three, had he been? Psh. Severus would be careful not to be knocked out this time. Deal with that, 'ghosts'. Ha. Ghosts his ass – he'd seen real ghosts. Archibald had been no ghost. Mind you, he couldn't explain the flashback-ness of it all, but that was beyond the point. Stupid prat had obviously worked something out.

            He sat there contemplating it all for a moment, wishing irritably for some sleep at long last as he rolled over.

            It was then he saw some mistletoe plummet from above. Why was mistletoe in the boy's dorms, he wondered? It was obviously the homosexual antics of his peers. He would have further disregarded the event if the mistletoe hadn't had a little bell attached to the bottom of it, 'festively'.

            The bell, upon hitting the floor, rang with a ting!

            Okay. It was just a bell. No need to over react. He was probably dreaming, anyway. I mean, honestly, the Ghost of Christmas Past? This was Hogwarts, not something out of a fiction novel. Archibald and the flashback were probably a mix of loathing for Christmas and bad tacos he'd eaten for dinner.

            Unable to shake the uneasy feeling, Severus glanced around. All seemed well with the dorm, really. He decided he wasn't going to get any sleep and rose from his bed, ambling towards the stairs to the Slytherin Common Room.

            A noise behind him made him pause, and he glanced over his shoulder.

            The sight made him do a double take.

            There, in his bed, was … him? Can we spell 'wtf'? He opened his mouth to say something – anything, really – but found himself mouthing wordlessly for a long while. A choked gasp was all that came out.

            "Surprised?" came a voice from behind him.

            With a yelp Severus leapt around to face the source of the voice – which, apparent from its feminine tone, did not belong in the boy's dorms.

            The speaker was, indeed, quite obviously feminine. She was clad in what seemed to be only undergarments – a white and rather lacey bra, accompanied by a knee-length white silken slip. For a short moment Severus simply stared at her rather hot bod before he forced his eyes to meet her face.

            Her deep red hair was to the side in buns worthy of Princess Leia and her startlingly green eyes were outlined in a most hideous of orange eyeliners.

            It was quite obviously Lily Evans.

            "Evans?" Severus mused, eyebrows quirking up.

            "Surely Archibald told you there'd be a second ghost?" the girl replied, showing little sign of having heard him in the first place before she flicked two slender fingers in a 'follow me' motion and headed down the stairs. Like any sane male would, Severus followed the half-dressed female.

            "Archibald did mention that, I believe. Do you care to explain why I just saw myself lying in bed?"

            The girl glanced back at him and smiled, continuing on her way down the stairs – she was leaving the common room, now, heading out into the hall.

            "Oh, that," she answered. "Well, that is because you are sleeping… well, sort of. To the rest of the world you are!"

            "But I'm not sleeping," Severus protested, arching an eyebrow. "I'm talking to you, aren't I?"

            "I'm just a ghost," the girl replied with a swift wink. "The Ghost, in fact, of Christmas Present."

            This was just getting pathetic. With a roll of his eyes Severus stopped walking, folding his arms across his chest.

            "I'm sure you are, Evans. And I'm Scrooged."

            "Holly," the girl called absently, grabbing one of Severus' arms and continuing on with her stride.

            "Mistletoe," he muttered, wrenching his arm from her despicable grip.

            "No. I mean, I'm Holly. Call me Holly."

            Better than Archibald… "Fine," he agreed. "Now where the hell are we going?"

            "Wait and see," was the illusive reply before two slender digits snapped against each other and the Hogwarts castle faded.

--

            Next thing Severus knew they were outside again. It was cold, snowing lightly, and he couldn't help but wonder how Holly was managing, considering her apparel. Actually, from the way she folded her arms across her chest, he guessed she wasn't.


            "Why are you wearing that, anyway?" asked Severus.

            "I was supposed to wear a toga, but the male ghosts stole it."

            Severus merely nodded.  

            "And now," Holly began, gesturing suddenly behind the pair of them, "I ask you to turn your attention to the window behind us."

            Severus did as he was told, glad that Holly was not using as much physical force as Archibald had. Peering in the window, he saw what looked like a postcard-perfect Christmas.

            The table was long and sat about sixteen people, all of whom were dressed up elaborately. At the centre of the table was a large turkey, golden and lustrous and decked out with all the trimming. To one end of the table Severus could see the other standard Christmas foods – gingerbread houses so ornately decorated it was incredible, short-bread cookies, fruit cakes no one would touch… the usual. To the other end of the table, various forms of roasts and wines, cheeses, breads, cranberry juices… you name it.

            Above the centre-piece of the table hung a sprig of mistletoe. The various people were mingling around the house. A large Christmas tree was visible in the corner, refined in decoration and trimming. Most of the people appeared unfamiliar to Severus – until he spotted Lucius Malfoy snogging Narcissa Black beneath some mistletoe in a corner.

            Severus barely had time to raise an eyebrow before he noticed Holly's red hair to his right and realized she was looking in the window too.

            "You think the Malfoys are going to make me reform?" he asked incredulously.


            "Oh, shit! Wrong house!"

            She stuck one arm into the air and snapped her fingers one more.

--

            When Severus could see again he found that he and Holly were no longer on the Malfoy's elaborate front porch. Rather, he found himself staring at a most dilapidated looking house, with a rickety front porch and a rather lopsided looking roof.

            The place looked ready to fall over. Holly made a move towards it and Severus wondered for a moment if that was a good idea. It looked as though any sudden movement might cause it to implode. It was hard to believe, really, that anyone could live there and not have several chronic diseases.

            "Who lives here? The Jackson Five?"

            Holly sent him a sharp look, reaching to grab him by the arm again as she dragged him towards the house and through the front door.

            Following her reluctantly inside, he saw an instant difference from Malfoy Manor. The halls were not nearly as decked, although a string of falling-apart garland that may well have been poison ivy was hung up the railing of the rickety, not trust worthy stairs. She dragged him into the living room – which really sounded like a misnomer – and the first thing that caught his eye was the tree.

            Honestly, it was like something straight out of Charlie Brown's Christmas. The star made it look top-heavy and ready to fall over and it looked as if it had never had half as many needles it should have.

            The second thing that caught his eye was that, not too far from the Christmas tree, in the corner of the room, there sat seventeen year old Remus Lupin, chin cupped in his hand.

            His clothes had always been shabby – that was nothing new. In truth he usually stood out amongst the prim and proper attire his friends always had – especially considering two thirds of them were better off than the average person, let alone a poor (literally) angst-and/or-disease-ridden werewolf. There was no typical grin on his face and Severus noted that Remus looked rather sickly, although it was hard to tell whether that was a result of lycanthropy or whatever cooking had been done in the old house.

            "This is Lupin's house?" Severus asked incredulously, glancing at Holly for a brief moment. The girl merely nodded.

            "Yes. Expecting a five-storey mansion, were you?"

            "Well, no," Severus objected, "But I –"

            "Remus!" came a foreign voice, causing both Severus and Holly to fall silent.

            The two of them turned to see a woman, probably barely five feet in height, who looked dreadfully thin. Actually, Severus reflected, she looked as though she was suddenly very thin and at one point would have weighed more than a rhinoceros. She looked rather as if she hadn't showered in X number of days, and next to her, Remus looked healthy.

            It was rather sad, actually.

            "Yer aunt's here," the woman continued, and Severus thought he saw Remus flinch at the mention of his aunt. "You's best help her with her luggage. Go'on, now, boy! Git!"

            Obediently Remus rose from his seat, drifted past Holly and Severus – obviously oblivious to their presence – and headed towards the door. Severus was surprised to find that, when Holly leaned backwards to get a better look, he had done so already – without her having to force him.
           

            Remus swung the door open and there, taking up the entire doorway and perhaps more, was an impossibly large woman.

            "Howdy, thar', boy!" the woman greeted, instantly enveloping Remus' lanky frame into a no doubt back-breaking hug.

            "Hello… Aunt… Ruth…" the werewolf choked out, hands sticking out oddly as his vertebrae was crushed.

            Releasing her grip, Aunt Ruth held the boy at an arm's length to examine him.

            "You's lookin' like shit," she informed, and Remus blinked in a rather indifferent manner. Dropping her manly hands from his shoulder she shoved her way into the house. She handed him her luggage, which was stereotypically cartoon-like, being as it was a handkerchief tied to the end of a stick. And then she called out for her children.

            "CHILLUNS! GET IN THE HOUSE, LOT OF YE'! CAREFUL, NOW, DON'T STEP ON ANY RATS, WE CAN EAT THEM LATER!"

            Remus flatted himself against the wall at the surge of children, for once thankful to be unhealthily thin. "Yessum, Ma! Should I git that thar badger outta th'road?" he heard one of the kids cry before Aunt Ruth nodded. Quite possibly the only single child in his entire extended family, Remus blinked and watched as about seven kids flooded in, ages ranging from ten to four.

            The youngest, a little girl named Ellie Mae, stumbled on the step to the doorway and fell flat on her face.

            Frowning, Remus abandoned the luggage and knelt down next to her. "Watch it," he advised softly, grabbing her shoulders gently to lift her back to her feet. "Our floor's not exactly even." Patting her ratty blonde head as she sniffed and wiped her eyes on her sleeve, Remus grinned.

            "There," he said, "All bet—"

            He broke off at the look on the girl's face as she suddenly realized who had just helped her up.

            "AIIEE! FREAK! DON'T TOUCH ME!" she screeched as loud as a four year old can screech before tearing off down the hallway after her siblings.

            Remus simply stared after her, silent for a moment, before sighing and rising to his feet.

            "What was that?" Severus asked as Remus turned into another room to ditch the luggage.  Holly shrugged.

            "What do you mean?"

            Severus turned to stare at her as if she were thick. "I mean what the hell is with that kid?"

            "Doesn't like werewolves?" Holly suggested with a half-shrug.

            "Isn't he her cousin?"

            "Yes. Point being?"

            Severus blinked at this for a moment before shrugging.

            Ten or so minutes later, Severus and Holly were watching the Lupins in what one could only guess was their typical holiday routine. Aunt Ruth and her husband, Julio, were dancing most obnoxiously in a corner. Remus' parents were off scavenging for food, and the children were all gathered playing 'pin the tail back on the dead badger'. Remus, it seemed, was the only one not having barrels of monkeys of fun. The sickly seventeen year old was once more in his reclusive corner, looking rather forlorn as he read a book titled Your Christmas Must Suck.  

            Now bored with the text, mind you, and further wishing to creep into his own little world, Remus began singing, however softly, the first song that came to mind.

            "Tiptoe through the window,
By the window,

That is where I'll be

Come tiptoe through the tulips with me.

Oh, tiptoe from the garden,

By the garden of the willow tree,
And tiptoe through the tulips with –"

            "Shut yer pie hole, Half-breed!" called one of the elder of the cousins, and suddenly a rather mangled road kill badger connected with Remus' face. Beside Severus, Holly sniffed. Severus himself stifled a snicker. Holly beamed him over the head with one of her fists.

            "Oh, come now," Severus objected. "You have to admit that was funny."

            "Oh, it was," Holly countered, glaring at him now. "Just about as funny as you hanging upside down with your knickers for all to see."

            Somehow that made Severus much more empathetic.

            Remus recoiled from the road kill in disgust, shoving it off him without so much as a word before returning to his book in silence. Severus noticed that, as he so often did, Remus wasn't actually reading, as his eyes were staring fixedly at one spot. For a brief, most horrid moment, Severus feared the boy was going to cry, which would not only be awkward it would be fucking hilarious and Holly might castrate him or something. But Remus did no such thing, though his fingers curled around the edge of the book a bit tighter than perhaps they normally would have.

            The road kill badger skidded onto the ground and into the wall.

            "Watch 'eet!" chastied Aunt Ruth from the corner, "D'yous wanna eat tonight or not?"

            "They're going to eat that?" Severus yelped indignatly. Holly raised an eyebrow.

            "Well, did you expect a turkey dinner?"

            "It's a dead badger!"

            "Mmm mmm good."

            Severus made a face and glanced over at Remus' cousins. They were currently deep in a game of duck duck goose – only they were saying badger mushroom snake.

            "It's a badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger – snake! A snake! Oooh, it's a snake!"

            And then Ellie Mae ran around the circle while being chased by a child named Cinderblock.

            Severus blinked. Damn, and he thought Lupin (Remus, he amended internally, in a room full of Lupins that doesn't work.) was bad, what with lycanthropy and all. Werewolf or not, the rest of these people were just plain stupid.

            "Damn, those kids make Lupin look like a child prodigy."

            Severus was saved from having to pity Remus when, suddenly, the boy's parents stormed in. Remus' father, Severus realized at the arrival of the man, was apparently whom Remus resembled the most, at probably 6'2, although the fact he was missing several teeth and had a patch over one eye sort of took away any concept of 'like-father like-son'.

            "I found us some bird droppin's!" Mr. Lupin cried dramatically, waving a few leaves around.

            "Kinnae have one, mum?" asked another one of Ruth's kids, tugging on one of her fat rolls expectantly.

            "Keep quiet!" Aunt Ruth replied sharply. "They's for the soup, ain't that right, Lulu Bell?"

            Lulu Bell, who was, apparently, Remus' mother, nodded fervently. She and her husband headed towards the kitchen, the rest of the Lupins in tow, apart from Remus, who hung around in his original place.

            Merlin. It's a sad day when a werewolf is the smartest person in the room, thought Severus as he arched an eyebrow.

            Alone in the room once more, Remus flipped to the back of Your Christmas Must Suck! and produced three pieces of parchment, closing the book and using its hard cover as a table of sorts. He reached over the badger to produce a quill and fountain of ink Severus had never noticed before, dipping the nib in the ink once before beginning to scrawl across the parchment once more.

            Holly let out a noise surprisingly close to a croon. Severus sent her a glance and raised an eyebrow.

            "Oh, how adorable. He's probably writing a suicide note. I know I would be."

            Holly glared once more. "He is not," she snapped, and for the thousandth time she grabbed his hand and dragged him to peer over Remus' shoulder.

            A suicide note it was not. The two bottom pieces of parchment were slightly adjacent the top one, and towards the top of one was Dear Wormtail, on another Dear Padfoot and on the most current one he was just adding the curve of the s to Dear Prongs.

            Severus raised an eyebrow. Personalized suicide notes? Maybe he was writing his will.

            Dear Prongs (Ironic, isn't it?), Remus was writing, quill scratching across the surface of the parchment expertly. Happy Christmas! How are things at Hogwarts? Things here are… well, they're how they always are with family, I suppose. There's never a dull moment, really. The kids seem to be having fun with their pet badger. 

            "Pet badger? That things their pet?!"

            "Shut up and eavesdrop!"

My parents just got back; they're rather happy because they managed to find the soup ingredients they were looking for. Actually, this'll probably be one of the better meals we've seen in years.

            "Have they ever heard of the food cupboard?"

            "They won't help because Remus is a werewolf."

            Severus raised an eyebrow. "What the hell? Wow, the levels of prejudice you overlook daily."

            Holly shrugged. "It's part of the Ministry's way of keeping tabs on the lycanthrope population."

            "That's their amazing plan to eradicate werewolves? Starvation? They could just eat little kids! … or ugly people!"

            It took Severus several moments to realize he was rather ugly and, in fact, had nearly been eaten by said werewolf. He glanced back down at the parchment to find Remus had written quite a bit more.

My Aunt Ruth's new husband, Julio, is here. He's kind of amusing. Last night he kept screaming 'It rubs the lotion on its skin when it is told!' at me repeatedly. I think he was a little tipsy, though.

Hope things are great at Hogwarts. Lily stayed for the break, didn't she? Oh, ho, the mistletoe, hung where you can see…somebody waits for you – kiss'er once for me!

Kidding, kidding. But go ahead and kiss her anyway, thought you might want to wear a cup or something.

            "Remus!" came the voice of his mother from the kitchen. "Git in here! Skin us up this'ere warthog we found in the sewer!"

Well, I have to go. My parents need help setting the table.


Once again, Happy Christmas!

-Moony

            Severus blinked. If that wasn't a sugar-coated letter he didn't know what was. For a moment he wondered if Remus' friends were all blissfully unaware that he lived in a shack with hillbilly relatives. Sure, Potter. Save Black from his oh-so-terrible wealthy, well-known and respected family, but might as well let Lupin rot in a shack.

            Remus shoved the book and the letters from his lap, rising to his feet and slinking towards the kitchen with a look of obvious grim dread. Severus stared after him, eyebrows raised.

            "Please tell me we're not follo—"
           

            He broke off as Holly threw herself on his shoulder sobbing.

            "It's so sad!" she choked out. Severus stared for a moment before awkwardly patting her head.

            "Er…yes."

            Holly sniffed, removed her face from his shoulder just in time to see Remus bolt from the kitchen. Chasing after him and breaking the laws of soccer mom's everywhere, was the eldest of Remus' cousins once more – brandishing a large shotgun.

            "I'S GUNNA CUT 'CHOO UP AND GUT'CHOO LIKE A FISH!" called the boy.

            "You… have a gun…" Remus pointed out, arching an eyebrow. The cousin glared and shoved the barrel of the gun to Remus' chest.
           
            "Shaddap!"

            "Why is Remus' family so homicidal?" Severus inquired mildly. "Do they really want to kill of the only mildly-intelligent member of their bloodline?"

            Holly buried her face in Severus' chest, proclaiming it was too horrible to watch.

            It was pretty strange, actually, watching a lanky seventeen year old be cornered by a rifle-weilding ten year old. The werewolf recoiled from the homicidal maniacal cousin, flattening himself against the corner of the wall.

            "Johnny…" Remus said slowly, the faintest hint of panic in his voice, "You could hurt someone with that. …Namely me. … Put the gun down."

            "I's gonna shoot you, boi!"

            Remus gulped and paled considerably. Severus stared incredulously at the pair.

            "What the fuck? Why would the parents of a werewolf keep a rifle with silver bullets located in a place where Johnny the homicidal maniac can get at it? In fact, why would they have a gun with silver bullets at all?"

            Holly sobbed loudly in response.

            "Johnny…" Remus began once more, eyes downward and fixed on the muzzle of the gun. "I know forgiveness is out of the question.  I just ask for what we all ask of the people we respect- That the thought of me does not compel you to violent spasms of projectile vomiting."*

            Johnny responded by cackling and pulling the trigger. Holly, who'd dared to look just at this moment, instantly buried her face again with a loud sob. Remus' entire body tensed and he closed his eyes. Even Severus found himself wincing against his will.

            Luckily enough, however, Remus was not suddenly shot through the heart with a silver bullet. It took him a second or two to realize the lack of excruciating pain and/or death generally meant he was still alive and he opened his eyes again.

            Johnny looked horrified.

            "Shit! Only one bullet?! And I used it on somebody else?! Damn! Oh damn!"*

            Remus stared at him oddly, regaining some of his usual sickly colour.

            "JOHNNY!" called the voice of Aunt Ruth from another room in the small house. "YER FAVORITE STORIES IS ON THE TELLEEVISHUN!"

            Johnny scrambled away off to the room, holding the gun still. "I'LL BE THERE FASTER 'N A JACKRABBIT!"

            The rest of the Lupin clan scurried from their various spots to pile into the room with the postage-stamp sized television, apart from, of course, Remus. The werewolf was now sitting in the corner once again, hugging his knees to his chest.

            "Happy Christmas," he muttered quietly, most certainly to himself as he was unaware that one Severus Snape was in the room and had heard the mumbled comment. It was doubtful even Holly heard it over her own sobbing. The next second, however, she stuck one hand into the air and snapped her fingers.

--

            Severus was back in his bed in the Slytherin Boy's dormitories, quite suddenly. He stared at the ceiling, blinking every so often. It was still confusing as hell what exactly was going on, but he'd given up the idea of sleeping. It just wasn't going to happen.

            Besides, he was sort of unnerved. He was pretty sure that strange, awkward feeling he'd felt towards the end of his 'stay' at the Lupin residence had been … sympathy.

--


Author's Note: I'll try and get the last chapter up before Christmas – not that anyone reads this thing. I'm going to Florida, too, so yeah. Starred quotes in here are from Johnny the Homicidal Maniac by Jhonen Vasquez.