Okay, I lied; this won't be the last chapter. I've got one more in the works. Thanks again to Hawk Sage, GoldAngel2, and Jen23...all of you had the same suspicions as to how Speed would react to all of this…it'll be in the next chapter (hehehe)…
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"Love takes off masks we fear we cannot live without, and know we cannot live within."
--James Baldwin
* * * * * * * * * * * *
After what felt like ages and ages of crying in his arms, Trixie had finally calmed herself down. Actually, that wasn't entirely truthful; she felt like should would have kept crying for longer, had Rex not been there. Every so often this happened, as she had thought that she finally was beginning to accept the loss that she had sustained, only then to be reminded of the severity of her pain on lonely nights.
The two of them had stood there embracing for a long time, but at some point which Trixie didn't specifically remember, Rex had gently picked her up and carried her over to the sofa, where the two of them continued to hug as she cried. Slowly her sobs subsided, and she drifted in to silence, feeling the safety of Rex's arms around her. She didn't want to pull away, both because of the comfort she felt, and because of the question that she knew he would ask her if she separated from him.
But then she remembered how Rex had destroyed all of his barriers and had revealed himself to her. She could only imagine how frightened he must have been while he did so, as he must thought that anyone who heard his story would automatically hate him and think he was a horrible human being. But she knew that he wasn't, and she was reminded of what she said to him earlier: he was just a person. She was also just a person, and she had flaws just as everyone else did, and the fact that Rex had not criticized her yet for her emotional outburst signified to her that he wouldn't criticize her for trying to talk about it. Before, she had worried about appearing weak, but even if she was, he had showed her tonight that he could be equally as weak at times.
She pushed herself away from his chest, pulling herself up in to a seated position. He looked down on her with concern and understanding in his eyes, but he did not say anything. All he did was take a hold of her hands and waited for her to speak. He waited for her to reach the point where she felt ready to speak.
"I'm sure that you—well, I'm not sure if you'll remember this, actually. There was one race that Speed was going to be in that was to take place in Germany. I think it was just about two years ago at this point.
I went with him, along with Sparky and Pops and his Mother. It was the first race of his that I truly did not want to go to, because of…" her voice trailed off, and Rex knew why, but he still did not say anything. "Because of my father's condition."
She paused and looked down at the ground. All Rex did was take one of her hands in his own.
"His health had been failing for a long time, but we hadn't learned why until only a few weeks before he…before he died. Here and there he would get a cold, then he would get the flu, and then pneumonia, and it escalated up to the point where he was sick with some random virus all the time. At last, I felt the need to take him to the hospital, and when they did some blood testing, they found cancer cells in his lymph nodes. And then they did X-rays, and finally an MRI, after which they told us that he had between three and six weeks.
It turned out that he had only had two. I was amazed at how fast cancer could work…but they did tell me afterwards that he had tumors everywhere, and once one metastasized, that would be the end of it. He knew it, too, and he knew exactly when he was going to go. But he didn't want me to stay at home with him, because he kept saying how important it was that I keep going, that I maintain some kind of normal life. He didn't want me to sit by his side and wait for the end.
When the race in Germany came up, he had been diagnosed with it for about a week. I practically begged him to let me stay home, but he was so persistent about getting me out the door and on to the plane. He even took me shopping for toilet articles, despite the fact that he could barely walk. And he was there when I go on board the flight, and he kissed me and hugged me so tightly that I knew in my mind that this was going to be the last time he would do so. I still can't believe I got on to the plane; I'm not sure if I'm ever going to forgive myself for that.
Then the phone rang at our hotel room. I had originally thought that it would be his doctor, telling me that it was all over, but in fact, it turned out to be him. He spoke to me for so long, although it didn't feel like long enough. And we talked about so many things, the vast majority of which didn't matter, and they didn't mean anything. They were just random words, random memories.
It was three in the morning when at last we hung up. I didn't want to, basically because I had no idea what to say. It was the first time that I ever had to say goodbye to anyone, and I faltered. So many things went over in my mind, and I asked myself, 'What is the best way to tell him how much I love him? How can I tell him how much I'm going to miss him, how I'm never going to be the same person without him?' I was never able to answer those questions."
Her voice trailed off as her chin began to tremble and tears once more returned to her eyes. She hadn't told all of this to anyone. Of course she had spent many hours speaking with Speed about her father, and about all of the memories that she had of him, but for some reason she had never told him about the last phone call that she had with him.
Rex felt like crying himself. Earlier, it had been him who had bared his pain for the first time, and he relived all of his terrible memories, all the while wanting to stop talking, but at the same time feeling a great load lifted off of his shoulders as he spoke. He could only hope that she was experiencing the same feeling, and the fact that she hadn't stopped yet gave him at least a little bit of comfort, telling him that she was speaking because she truly wanted to.
"I didn't sleep at all that night. I just sat in the darkness, with the phone in my hand, wondering what the exact instant was that was the one marking his death. I wondered if he was in pain, or if he just drifted off as if he were falling asleep. He had said to me, right before he hung up the phone, that he loved me, that he would always be with me, and that he would always understand whatever I needed to tell him. He told me to talk to him whenever I needed to; he would hear me.
And the daylight came, and Speed took one look at me the next morning and knew. He was so wonderful that morning…he didn't ask me any questions, he didn't force me to go anywhere or do anything. And he didn't leave my side all day. He just sat there, and watched me. I don't think we said a word to one another, because there just wasn't a need for one."
Rex and Trixie looked at one another when she said that, as they were both reminded at the exact same moment of what Rex had said earlier. He had described how Speed had said nothing the night that Rex had left; he just looked at him, and understood. And he crawled in to the arms of his older brother, probably for the last time. Then, when it had been time for them to separate, he hadn't fought it. He just accepted it with quiet resignation, and with peace.
Trixie turned her eyes away one more time. She was almost finished.
"Pops withdrew him from the race that day, and we all went home. I felt horrible for making them miss the race, as I thought that I shouldn't have gone in the first place. But Pops spoke to me a few weeks later, telling me that I should never be ashamed of feeling pain, and I should never be afraid to accept the help of others. It was a side of Pops that I had never seen before."
Her story was over, and she then looked up at Rex again, who looked down at her with complete understanding and sympathy. They just gazed at one another for a period of time, and neither one could stop themselves as their faces drifted towards one another. Trixie lifted a hand and touched Rex's cheek, where a bruise was beginning to form in the place where she had struck him earlier. She gently leaned in to kiss that part of his face, and then felt his hand rise up to her chin. The distance between their faces decreased at an incredibly slow rate, but at last, their lips met in the slightest of kisses.
The kiss didn't last for very long, but it didn't need to. It was so full of significance that time was unimportant. And when their lips separated, their foreheads came together as they rested against one another, with their eyes closed tightly. Once again, a silent connection was established, and they both sat there feeling as close to the soul of another human being as anyone can possibly come.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Trixie was the first to wake up the next morning. Somehow, she and Rex had fallen asleep together on the couch, covered by the same blanket he had given her the night before. They hadn't been sleeping for very long, as it was incredibly late by the time either one of them could drift out of consciousness. But for some reason, the lack of rest didn't bother her, and she woke up feeling incredibly comfortable, as if the greatest of problems had disappeared with the darkness.
Not wanting to wake Rex, who was still sleeping, she pushed herself up off of her position lying across his chest very carefully. Once she was on her feet, she put the blanket over him once more, and looked at him for a moment as he slept. She didn't think she had ever seen anyone look so peaceful.
Her gaze drifted over to the back door, which she opened in order to reveal the outdoors. The patio that they had been standing on was now covered with snow, and when she looked up at the sky, she saw that it wasn't going to stop snowing for a while. It was coming down harder than ever, and she wondered what the roads would be like. Probably not good, but then again, Rex was a great driver, and had driven through some pretty nasty situations that were a lot less precarious than the interstate highway.
She looked back over at him, and did a double take as she realized that he was awake, and watching her as she looked out at the world. She smiled at him, and he smiled back as she walked over to him and sat down on the edge of the couch. Then she leaned down and kissed him on his forehead, which made him smile even more.
"I think it's time for me to leave, Racer X." she said with a smile.
Rex knew that she was right, even though a part of him never wanted to unlock his front door ever again. He lifted a hand up and touched her lightly on her nose, then sighed and stood up. She remained seated as he put a sweater on, then grabbed his keys. Surprisingly, he wasn't going to fight her about driving through the snow, but he knew just as well as she did that she couldn't stay here any more.
Trixie stood up and he took a hold of her hand as he unlocked the front door and led her outside.
"I still can't believe you locked me in." She said with a smile.
"It was my revenge for that sparring session earlier on."
"Hey, that was your fault."
"Yeah, yeah…get in the car already."
Trixie laughed and entered the Shooting Star. It occurred to her that she had never been in this car before, and she looked around at all of the controls and all of the details that had been a mystery to her before. And something alarmed her, yet at the same time did not surprise her at all.
"This is the Mach Five, except painted a different color. You're more a Racer than I thought you were." She said.
Rex looked over at her, then laughed. He could sense what she was trying to say, and he actually felt as though he agreed with it. "The color is about the only thing that is different. You should see what it looks like under the hood…a true product of the Racer family."
"But it has it's own style of handling, I assume."
Rex looked over at her and smiled once more before starting the engine. "But of course, my dear. It wouldn't be an original without it."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
He pulled in to her driveway about twenty minutes later. The entire ride had passed in silence, as neither one of them felt like there was anything left to say. But they had stolen glances at one another occasionally, observing tiny little differences about each other's faces every time.
Trixie didn't move to exit immediately. She sat still for a minute, as did Rex, as neither one of them knew exactly what the proper way to end this was. It had been such an eventful night that it felt ridiculously anticlimactic to end it by saying, 'Goodbye, see you at the next race.' Trixie actually briefly considered saying that, but she was worried that she would feel so absurd that it would make her start laughing. And as much as she wanted to end this on a cheerful note, she didn't feel like a joking session was the most appropriate thing to do.
"You should get inside." Rex said quietly.
"I know." Trixie replied. But she felt like she couldn't move without saying something.
"Rex," she began, "I'm going to say something to you, and you need to promise me you're not going to laugh."
He looked over at her, confused, but he nodded.
"You talked about waiting until you feel like you are enough…you said that when you felt like enough, you would be able to go back to your family.
I think you need to reconsider your definition of what 'enough' is. Enough is not something that you can actively pursue; the pursuit of it renders it mute. It's something that, in order for it to be meaningful, has to find you."
"And how does it find me?" he asked.
She smiled, and reached a hand up to touch his face. "It already has…you just need to let it in."
And with that, she pulled away, opening the door and stepping out. She clasped her arms across her chest and walked towards her front door. But something didn't feel right as she walked away from Rex; it felt as though the situation still had not ended.
"Trixie…" she heard him call after her. She turned around to face him, waiting for him to speak.
"You never wasted any time. I think that the reason your father wanted you to go was because he knew that staying at home, concentrating on your losses instead of on your blessings, would be an even greater waste of the limited time that you know you only have so much of.
And he knew that you loved him…you didn't need to say anything special in order for him to know that."
Trixie smiled at him, thanking him silently for telling her such a thing.
"And do you what would be a great way to spend some time now?" he asked her. She shook her head.
"Taking a shower. You really do look kind of bad. It's a shame for such a beautiful woman to look like that."
Normally such a comment would have angered her, but she knew that he was only kidding. However, she always insisted upon having the last laugh no matter who she was with, and Rex Racer was no exception.
"You know what? Let's see you go out and run twelve miles in twenty degree weather, only then to come home and be strangled, attacked, and kidnapped by your boyfriend's missing older brother and see how hot you look." And with a smirk and a smart turn of her heel, she jogged off to her door.
Rex laughed after her and watched her run away. Something about her had him completely in the dark, and he knew that he would never be able to look at her the same way again. But he also knew that his secret was safe with her, and that she would respect him, and would wait for him to reveal the truth in his own time.
No one would ever know what had happened between them that night. And no one needed to know; it was one of those experiences that was so surreal, and yet so stunningly beautiful and emotionally significant, that it was enough to just leave it as a memory.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"Love takes off masks we fear we cannot live without, and know we cannot live within."
--James Baldwin
* * * * * * * * * * * *
After what felt like ages and ages of crying in his arms, Trixie had finally calmed herself down. Actually, that wasn't entirely truthful; she felt like should would have kept crying for longer, had Rex not been there. Every so often this happened, as she had thought that she finally was beginning to accept the loss that she had sustained, only then to be reminded of the severity of her pain on lonely nights.
The two of them had stood there embracing for a long time, but at some point which Trixie didn't specifically remember, Rex had gently picked her up and carried her over to the sofa, where the two of them continued to hug as she cried. Slowly her sobs subsided, and she drifted in to silence, feeling the safety of Rex's arms around her. She didn't want to pull away, both because of the comfort she felt, and because of the question that she knew he would ask her if she separated from him.
But then she remembered how Rex had destroyed all of his barriers and had revealed himself to her. She could only imagine how frightened he must have been while he did so, as he must thought that anyone who heard his story would automatically hate him and think he was a horrible human being. But she knew that he wasn't, and she was reminded of what she said to him earlier: he was just a person. She was also just a person, and she had flaws just as everyone else did, and the fact that Rex had not criticized her yet for her emotional outburst signified to her that he wouldn't criticize her for trying to talk about it. Before, she had worried about appearing weak, but even if she was, he had showed her tonight that he could be equally as weak at times.
She pushed herself away from his chest, pulling herself up in to a seated position. He looked down on her with concern and understanding in his eyes, but he did not say anything. All he did was take a hold of her hands and waited for her to speak. He waited for her to reach the point where she felt ready to speak.
"I'm sure that you—well, I'm not sure if you'll remember this, actually. There was one race that Speed was going to be in that was to take place in Germany. I think it was just about two years ago at this point.
I went with him, along with Sparky and Pops and his Mother. It was the first race of his that I truly did not want to go to, because of…" her voice trailed off, and Rex knew why, but he still did not say anything. "Because of my father's condition."
She paused and looked down at the ground. All Rex did was take one of her hands in his own.
"His health had been failing for a long time, but we hadn't learned why until only a few weeks before he…before he died. Here and there he would get a cold, then he would get the flu, and then pneumonia, and it escalated up to the point where he was sick with some random virus all the time. At last, I felt the need to take him to the hospital, and when they did some blood testing, they found cancer cells in his lymph nodes. And then they did X-rays, and finally an MRI, after which they told us that he had between three and six weeks.
It turned out that he had only had two. I was amazed at how fast cancer could work…but they did tell me afterwards that he had tumors everywhere, and once one metastasized, that would be the end of it. He knew it, too, and he knew exactly when he was going to go. But he didn't want me to stay at home with him, because he kept saying how important it was that I keep going, that I maintain some kind of normal life. He didn't want me to sit by his side and wait for the end.
When the race in Germany came up, he had been diagnosed with it for about a week. I practically begged him to let me stay home, but he was so persistent about getting me out the door and on to the plane. He even took me shopping for toilet articles, despite the fact that he could barely walk. And he was there when I go on board the flight, and he kissed me and hugged me so tightly that I knew in my mind that this was going to be the last time he would do so. I still can't believe I got on to the plane; I'm not sure if I'm ever going to forgive myself for that.
Then the phone rang at our hotel room. I had originally thought that it would be his doctor, telling me that it was all over, but in fact, it turned out to be him. He spoke to me for so long, although it didn't feel like long enough. And we talked about so many things, the vast majority of which didn't matter, and they didn't mean anything. They were just random words, random memories.
It was three in the morning when at last we hung up. I didn't want to, basically because I had no idea what to say. It was the first time that I ever had to say goodbye to anyone, and I faltered. So many things went over in my mind, and I asked myself, 'What is the best way to tell him how much I love him? How can I tell him how much I'm going to miss him, how I'm never going to be the same person without him?' I was never able to answer those questions."
Her voice trailed off as her chin began to tremble and tears once more returned to her eyes. She hadn't told all of this to anyone. Of course she had spent many hours speaking with Speed about her father, and about all of the memories that she had of him, but for some reason she had never told him about the last phone call that she had with him.
Rex felt like crying himself. Earlier, it had been him who had bared his pain for the first time, and he relived all of his terrible memories, all the while wanting to stop talking, but at the same time feeling a great load lifted off of his shoulders as he spoke. He could only hope that she was experiencing the same feeling, and the fact that she hadn't stopped yet gave him at least a little bit of comfort, telling him that she was speaking because she truly wanted to.
"I didn't sleep at all that night. I just sat in the darkness, with the phone in my hand, wondering what the exact instant was that was the one marking his death. I wondered if he was in pain, or if he just drifted off as if he were falling asleep. He had said to me, right before he hung up the phone, that he loved me, that he would always be with me, and that he would always understand whatever I needed to tell him. He told me to talk to him whenever I needed to; he would hear me.
And the daylight came, and Speed took one look at me the next morning and knew. He was so wonderful that morning…he didn't ask me any questions, he didn't force me to go anywhere or do anything. And he didn't leave my side all day. He just sat there, and watched me. I don't think we said a word to one another, because there just wasn't a need for one."
Rex and Trixie looked at one another when she said that, as they were both reminded at the exact same moment of what Rex had said earlier. He had described how Speed had said nothing the night that Rex had left; he just looked at him, and understood. And he crawled in to the arms of his older brother, probably for the last time. Then, when it had been time for them to separate, he hadn't fought it. He just accepted it with quiet resignation, and with peace.
Trixie turned her eyes away one more time. She was almost finished.
"Pops withdrew him from the race that day, and we all went home. I felt horrible for making them miss the race, as I thought that I shouldn't have gone in the first place. But Pops spoke to me a few weeks later, telling me that I should never be ashamed of feeling pain, and I should never be afraid to accept the help of others. It was a side of Pops that I had never seen before."
Her story was over, and she then looked up at Rex again, who looked down at her with complete understanding and sympathy. They just gazed at one another for a period of time, and neither one could stop themselves as their faces drifted towards one another. Trixie lifted a hand and touched Rex's cheek, where a bruise was beginning to form in the place where she had struck him earlier. She gently leaned in to kiss that part of his face, and then felt his hand rise up to her chin. The distance between their faces decreased at an incredibly slow rate, but at last, their lips met in the slightest of kisses.
The kiss didn't last for very long, but it didn't need to. It was so full of significance that time was unimportant. And when their lips separated, their foreheads came together as they rested against one another, with their eyes closed tightly. Once again, a silent connection was established, and they both sat there feeling as close to the soul of another human being as anyone can possibly come.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Trixie was the first to wake up the next morning. Somehow, she and Rex had fallen asleep together on the couch, covered by the same blanket he had given her the night before. They hadn't been sleeping for very long, as it was incredibly late by the time either one of them could drift out of consciousness. But for some reason, the lack of rest didn't bother her, and she woke up feeling incredibly comfortable, as if the greatest of problems had disappeared with the darkness.
Not wanting to wake Rex, who was still sleeping, she pushed herself up off of her position lying across his chest very carefully. Once she was on her feet, she put the blanket over him once more, and looked at him for a moment as he slept. She didn't think she had ever seen anyone look so peaceful.
Her gaze drifted over to the back door, which she opened in order to reveal the outdoors. The patio that they had been standing on was now covered with snow, and when she looked up at the sky, she saw that it wasn't going to stop snowing for a while. It was coming down harder than ever, and she wondered what the roads would be like. Probably not good, but then again, Rex was a great driver, and had driven through some pretty nasty situations that were a lot less precarious than the interstate highway.
She looked back over at him, and did a double take as she realized that he was awake, and watching her as she looked out at the world. She smiled at him, and he smiled back as she walked over to him and sat down on the edge of the couch. Then she leaned down and kissed him on his forehead, which made him smile even more.
"I think it's time for me to leave, Racer X." she said with a smile.
Rex knew that she was right, even though a part of him never wanted to unlock his front door ever again. He lifted a hand up and touched her lightly on her nose, then sighed and stood up. She remained seated as he put a sweater on, then grabbed his keys. Surprisingly, he wasn't going to fight her about driving through the snow, but he knew just as well as she did that she couldn't stay here any more.
Trixie stood up and he took a hold of her hand as he unlocked the front door and led her outside.
"I still can't believe you locked me in." She said with a smile.
"It was my revenge for that sparring session earlier on."
"Hey, that was your fault."
"Yeah, yeah…get in the car already."
Trixie laughed and entered the Shooting Star. It occurred to her that she had never been in this car before, and she looked around at all of the controls and all of the details that had been a mystery to her before. And something alarmed her, yet at the same time did not surprise her at all.
"This is the Mach Five, except painted a different color. You're more a Racer than I thought you were." She said.
Rex looked over at her, then laughed. He could sense what she was trying to say, and he actually felt as though he agreed with it. "The color is about the only thing that is different. You should see what it looks like under the hood…a true product of the Racer family."
"But it has it's own style of handling, I assume."
Rex looked over at her and smiled once more before starting the engine. "But of course, my dear. It wouldn't be an original without it."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
He pulled in to her driveway about twenty minutes later. The entire ride had passed in silence, as neither one of them felt like there was anything left to say. But they had stolen glances at one another occasionally, observing tiny little differences about each other's faces every time.
Trixie didn't move to exit immediately. She sat still for a minute, as did Rex, as neither one of them knew exactly what the proper way to end this was. It had been such an eventful night that it felt ridiculously anticlimactic to end it by saying, 'Goodbye, see you at the next race.' Trixie actually briefly considered saying that, but she was worried that she would feel so absurd that it would make her start laughing. And as much as she wanted to end this on a cheerful note, she didn't feel like a joking session was the most appropriate thing to do.
"You should get inside." Rex said quietly.
"I know." Trixie replied. But she felt like she couldn't move without saying something.
"Rex," she began, "I'm going to say something to you, and you need to promise me you're not going to laugh."
He looked over at her, confused, but he nodded.
"You talked about waiting until you feel like you are enough…you said that when you felt like enough, you would be able to go back to your family.
I think you need to reconsider your definition of what 'enough' is. Enough is not something that you can actively pursue; the pursuit of it renders it mute. It's something that, in order for it to be meaningful, has to find you."
"And how does it find me?" he asked.
She smiled, and reached a hand up to touch his face. "It already has…you just need to let it in."
And with that, she pulled away, opening the door and stepping out. She clasped her arms across her chest and walked towards her front door. But something didn't feel right as she walked away from Rex; it felt as though the situation still had not ended.
"Trixie…" she heard him call after her. She turned around to face him, waiting for him to speak.
"You never wasted any time. I think that the reason your father wanted you to go was because he knew that staying at home, concentrating on your losses instead of on your blessings, would be an even greater waste of the limited time that you know you only have so much of.
And he knew that you loved him…you didn't need to say anything special in order for him to know that."
Trixie smiled at him, thanking him silently for telling her such a thing.
"And do you what would be a great way to spend some time now?" he asked her. She shook her head.
"Taking a shower. You really do look kind of bad. It's a shame for such a beautiful woman to look like that."
Normally such a comment would have angered her, but she knew that he was only kidding. However, she always insisted upon having the last laugh no matter who she was with, and Rex Racer was no exception.
"You know what? Let's see you go out and run twelve miles in twenty degree weather, only then to come home and be strangled, attacked, and kidnapped by your boyfriend's missing older brother and see how hot you look." And with a smirk and a smart turn of her heel, she jogged off to her door.
Rex laughed after her and watched her run away. Something about her had him completely in the dark, and he knew that he would never be able to look at her the same way again. But he also knew that his secret was safe with her, and that she would respect him, and would wait for him to reveal the truth in his own time.
No one would ever know what had happened between them that night. And no one needed to know; it was one of those experiences that was so surreal, and yet so stunningly beautiful and emotionally significant, that it was enough to just leave it as a memory.
* * * * * * * * * * * *