Alright, this is genuinely the last chapter. It's long…bear with me!
Thank you again to my reviewers. Update/post your own stories soon!
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"Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it forgoes revenge, and dares forgive an injury."
--E.H. Chapin
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Freshly showered and somewhat rested, Trixie stood in front of the Racer home, finding that she was having difficulty willing herself to enter. Yesterday had been so eventful and stressful that she had originally thought she wanted to spend this day entirely by herself, but as soon as she arrived at her house she immediately felt a strong urge to see everyone. The knowledge of who Rex was and what he knew about her was extremely comforting, as she felt as though a heavy burden had been lifted from her shoulders. However, she also felt a tremendous amount of guilt at the fact that it was Rex, and not Speed, who had knowledge of the most private pains she had ever felt. And not only that, but she was now a part of the secret that caused Speed the greatest pain of his life. She didn't exactly know which was worse; betraying Rex by revealing the secret or betraying Speed by keeping it.
She stood in the snow for what felt like at least fifteen minutes. The snowfall had finally let up, after placing seven inches on the ground, and now the landscape echoed with the sound of plows trying to clean up the roadways. The sky was still grey and cloudy, however, and when she checked the local weather forecast it had said that more snow was on its way. It really was going to be an intense winter; they had never even gotten so much as a flurry by this time in years past, and now they were practically in the middle of a blizzard.
The cold was beginning to get to her, and she began to walk closer to the front door as she took deep breaths the whole time. She couldn't help but feel incredibly nervous; she didn't know how Speed was going to react to what she had to tell him.
She paused once more at the front door, then lifted a hand and rang the doorbell. A smile crept across her face as she could hear quite clearly a small, raspy voice scream out, "I'll get it!". Then tiny, rapid footsteps pounded across the wood floors and the door opened, revealing an excited and breathless Spritle. Why he got such pleasure out of opening the front door, she would never know.
"Hey there." Trixie said, smiling down at him. He paused and stared up at her with his enormous chocolate colored eyes, then quite literally attacked her. He jumped up and clutched her around her waist, still out of breath from running to the door. He tried to say something, but she could barely understand him, as his breath was so rapid and deep.
"Trixie! We…pant pant…were…so worried…pant…about you."
Trixie smiled and knelt down in front of Spritle, then enveloped him in a proper hug. He could really get on her nerves sometimes, but that was part of his charm. His spirit and curiosity and innocent kindness was just amazing to her; he reminded her a bit of what Speed had been like when he was younger.
"I'm sorry I worried you all." She said quietly.
"You should have seen Speed…he didn't sleep all night…he just sat in the kitchen and stared at a cup of coffee. I think he was trying to figure out why he drank that stuff in the first place. It makes his teeth yellow and he gets so hyper."
"Well, you are certainly the expert on hyperactivity." A male voice said from behind them. Trixie looked up and saw a smiling, yet clearly very exhausted, Speed in front of her. She smiled up at him, then gently released Spritle. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Pops and Mother standing behind Speed, smiling at her as well.
"Good morning." She said to all of them. Pops and Mother said "Good Morning" together, but Speed didn't say anything. When she at him again, she saw that the smile was no longer present on his face. He looked completely blank; for the first time since she had met him she couldn't tell if he wanted to burst in to tears or scream at someone.
"How are you feeling?" Mother spoke up. Trixie had been staring at Speed, but she broke it and looked over at Mother.
"A little shaken, but I'm better than I was yesterday." That was the truth; she was still incredibly confused and shocked about all of the events that had occurred yesterday, but she did feel much better. When Speed had driven her home last night, she had been a mess.
"You must be." Mother replied with a smile. "But I'm glad you came to see us; we're always here for you."
Trixie's eyes became cloudy with tears at the sound of that. The Racers were indeed the only family she had left, but even though she had no official relation to them, she shared such a bond with them. They had been a part of her life since she was five years old, when she and Speed had met for the first time in preschool, and they had always cared for her.
"You stole my line." Pops chimed in with a smirk. He looked over at his wife, then looked down at Spritle. Spritle appeared confused at first, but he got the message and walked over to his father. Pops put an arm around his wife, and a hand on the head of his youngest son, and then the three of them quietly turned and walked out of the room. Only Trixie and Speed were left, and she felt a combination of relief and apprehension while being alone with him. The blank look on his face frightened her to a certain degree.
But she was comforted a little bit by his immediate movements towards her. Always feeling he had to be the protective hero, he took her by the hand and pulled her inside the warm house, then quickly closed the door behind her. As she entered the main living room, she looked back over at him. The two of them just stared at one another for a few moments, neither of them knowing exactly what to say. However, Trixie felt it was her obligation to be the first to speak.
"Um…I have a lot to explain to you, and that's why I came." Then she paused and reached a hand up to touch his face, her brow furrowing with concern when she saw just how defined the bags under his eyes were. She definitely did not doubt what Spritle had told her; he looked as though he hadn't slept in weeks.
"God you look exhausted…" she whispered.
"Don't worry about me." He replied softly.
A silence fell over the two of them for a moment. Trixie had temporarily forgotten what she had planned to say, but she eventually tried to begin again.
"I have no idea where to begin…" her voice trailed off as her eyes drifted to the ground. She could feel Speed staring at her, waiting for her to say something.
She wanted to tell him everything; that she knew where his older brother had been all this time, but more than that, everything that had happened between her father and herself that last night. But years of silence are not easily remedied, and she knew in her heart that she could not tell him who Rex really was. To explain the things that had happened yesterday without admitting that key truth was the most difficult task she had ever felt she had been assigned.
"Let's sit down…is that alright with you?" She said looking up at him. He didn't say anything, but gently put an arm around her shoulders and led her in to the living room, where the two of them sat down on one of the couches. Even after sitting down, though, she still did not know how to break her silence, and looked down at her hands in a combination of guilt and sadness. She could only imagine what he might think of the things she had to say, and it made her feel worse to know that she would still be lying to him even when she tried to explain everything.
"Trixie…I'm listening, and I'll always be here to listen, but don't feel like you have to explain this to me. If you aren't ready, then I understand." He said gently. When she heard that, she just couldn't control the tears that immediately came to her eyes. He pulled her in to an embrace, one that she gladly returned, and the two of them sat there for a few minutes, Trixie sobbing, and Speed just gently holding her. But it didn't last very long.
"No, no, no." Trixie pushed herself out of Speed's embrace, her hands raising up to wipe her eyes. "I've got to tell you this, and if I don't now then I never will." Then she swallowed hard and took a deep breath. She couldn't look in to his eyes; she knew it would just make her cry again.
"He didn't hurt me. You should know that right away. And the reason why all of…the things that happened at the factory yesterday happened, was because…" she paused, but then forced herself to say, "I saw his face. I know who he is, and he acted violently because he was afraid of what I might do or who I might tell or even because of what I might think. He is a human being, and he just acted impulsively. I don't blame him at all for it."
She couldn't sit still while she explained this; she had to move around or she felt as though she would go mad. She stood up, rather suddenly, and walked over to the mantle over the fireplace, looking at all of the pictures that sat there. She recognized almost immediately the picture of Speed missing his two front teeth and resting on Rex's shoulders.
"It's a very long story as to how this occurred, but I actually wound up talking to him privately last night. I must look just as tired as you do, because I got practically no sleep last night.
We talked about an incredibly wide range of things. I felt a little uncomfortable with him at first, as he had indeed frightened me at the factory earlier on, but after a while I started to realize, and I felt rather humbled by, the fact that he was just a person. He wasn't a bad person, but he had made mistakes just as everyone else has. I guess that, since he figured I knew who he was already, it wouldn't make any difference if he told me some of the things that he had done throughout his life.
He has a family. And he loves them just as much as anyone could, and it tears him up inside to be so close to them, and yet impossibly removed from their lives. And he really is a sad person…he lives in this little house that is so bare, and feels so cold, as if a human being really didn't inhabit the space."
"You were at his house?" Speed spoke up. He hadn't wanted to interrupt her, but he couldn't control that comment.
Trixie realized that she had said a little bit more than she had meant to already. But she would not lie to him in an attempt to cover her tracks.
"Yes. Like I said before, it is a very long story.
I felt so awful for him. He is so lonely, and I fear that he is beginning to forget just how important a family is. But I also feel that he is a rare kind of person; he reminded me of some of the reasons why I love living so much. And he told me things that were incredibly jarring, but they were in some strange way very comforting. There's more to him than I ever thought there would be."
Trixie's voice trailed away, but Speed still didn't say anything, nor did he even stand up from the couch. He just continued to watch her as she walked from the mantle over to one of the nearby windows. A smile crept across her face as she realized that it was beginning to snow again; she couldn't only imagine how much they would get this time.
"Do you remember that race in Germany? The one that you pulled out of at the last minute because of my father?"
Speed faltered at the question, as the rapid subject change had thrown him off guard. But of course he remembered it; he hadn't wanted to go to that race in this first place, but Pops had somehow talked him in to it. And he would never forget the way that Trixie had initially told him that there was no way that she could go with him; she had to stay home with her dying father. But her father had basically forced her in to going to the race, even though everyone knew that, if she went, she would never see him again.
"Yes" he whispered. "I remember."
"The night that he died, he actually called me. We spoke for a long time, not really talking about anything important, but then the conversation slowly morphed in to a more serious discussion. We both knew it would be the last time we would talk.
And I'll never forget the last thing he said to me…he said that nothing else mattered in the world as long as you had someone who would be there with you, and who would love you no matter what you said or did. He told me that unconditional love was a rare gift, and it was the most important thing that anyone can ever hope to receive." Tears once more returned to her eyes at the memory.
"I want to be him. I want to be that kind, that understanding, that compassionate." She whispered her voice cracking.
"And I felt that by listening to Racer X, I was finally doing something genuinely kind. He had experienced so much pain, and he had to bear it all alone for so many years, and it makes me feel like a new person when I think about the way that I might have helped him. Even if it was so minute, if I lifted some of the burden, then I made a difference."
She stared outside for a few more moments, but then looked back over at Speed. He wasn't looking at her anymore; he was staring at the ground, but with a vacant look in his eyes.
"You've always made a difference." Speed said, his voice cracking as well. Trixie looked down at him, tears now flowing freely down her face. She felt, however, that her time to speak was now over. She had said everything that she had come here to say. Now, she only had to wait for Speed's reaction.
"Have I ever been there for you?" he asked her quietly. "Have I really been so absent that I was never there to listen?"
"Of course not!" Trixie whispered. "How could you think that?" she slowly walked over to him and tried to put a hand on his shoulder, but he pulled away from her gently. Now he was the one to walk over to the window and look outside, with his chest collapsed and his arms hanging by his sides.
"He has more of a connection with you than I do. You were always kind to everyone, but I feel like he is the only one who has ever appreciated it. I don't know whether to feel jealous or just envious."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that, I wish that I had been there for you, and that you could have felt comfortable telling me these things before. I was always doing something else, or going somewhere else, never stopping in order to just listen to you. But I feel like it's safe to assume that you've told him some things about yourself that you've never told me, and that is my fault. It's because he did what I never did; just stay with you."
"That's not true."
"Yes it is. You've been just as alone as he has, and up until now, you've been in the same predicament as he. You live among people who don't give you the things you deserve."
Trixie couldn't believe that she was hearing these things. She had expected Speed to be angry or hurt by her deception, but she hadn't expected him to be engulfed in a wave of self-loathing and belief that he had neglected her for nearly fifteen years straight. And it was all completely unfounded; how could she convince him of that?
"Speed…I don't think I finished where I should have. I should have told you before how, after he had hung up, I knew that he was gone. And I just sat there, feeling more alone than I ever had before, until the moment that you walked in to the room. Once you were there, and once you sat by me, I knew that I was not really alone. I had lost someone I loved, but I had others. And those others didn't replace him, but they made the void easier to bear."
"You didn't say a word to me for a week. You didn't tell me anything that you had been feeling."
"I didn't feel there was a need to. Just having the knowledge that you were there made me feel better, and knowing that, if I ever felt the need to talk about it, you would be there for me, made everything easier."
Speed fell in to silence. He just sighed and continued to stare out at the snowfall. Trixie felt like she couldn't bear the separation between them anymore, and she stood up, then walked over to him slowly. She reached her arms around his waist, resting her face and torso on his back. His slow, powerful heartbeat echoed underneath her skin, and she felt his chest rise and fall in the motions of another sigh.
"You don't know how good a person you are, Speed. And I love you for it."
Speed still couldn't say anything; he knew his voice would break if he tried to speak. But all he felt he could do was turn around and embrace her. The two hugged for a minute, then broke apart and kissed one another, then embraced once more.
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"May I speak with you?"
Racer X jumped at the sound of the voice. He had been working, a little absent-mindedly, on the transmission of his racing car, but he jerked away from his work and accidentally cut his index finger in the process. He swore under his breath at the pain, then stood up in order to face his visitor. But with a great deal of apprehension and fear, he noticed immediately that it was no other than his younger brother.
He just stared at Speed for a moment, and watched how Speed stared relentlessly back at him with fire in his eyes. Clearly, Racer X was not going to enjoy this upcoming conversation, but he knew he deserved it. Trixie had been a bit too easy on him last night, for his behavior had been completely unforgivable. In fact, he felt like to be chastised by his younger brother would provide him with a little bit of relief from the guilt at causing everyone so much pain.
"Yes." He replied, his gaze drifting down to the ground. He resolved that no matter what Speed said to him, he would take it without protest.
But Speed didn't begin immediately. Instead, he looked down at Racer X's finger, which was still bleeding rather profusely, and said with a voice completely devoid of all emotion, "You are bleeding."
"I know…I'll deal with it later."
Speed paused once more, his eyes still boring holes in to Racer X's face. But after a while, Racer X could hear him say, "You don't even want to know what I think of you right now."
Racer X only nodded and continued to stare at the ground. He could only imagine exactly what Speed did think of him.
"For the first time ever since I met you, I sincerely hated you last night. And I do not use that word very often, nor do I feel like I possess genuine hatred for any human being very often.
You hurt someone I love, possibly the most important person in my life. You literally attacked her, both physically and emotionally, and then I found out that somehow, and I can only imagine the method that you used in to coercing her in to doing this, she wound up at your house, wherever the hell that is. And she has some extra bruises on her throat that weren't there yesterday. When I saw them, I knew that it was you, and I wanted to kill you.
But somehow, she doesn't hate you at all. She and I spoke earlier today, and I just sat there and listened to her explain how you are just a weak person just like everyone else in this world. You have some kind of family, you possess some kind of emotion for them, and you apparently convinced her that you have some kind of heart. And the whole time that she was talking, I wanted to shake her and yell at her, because I didn't comprehend how she could be this understanding of someone who had hurt her so much.
And apparently, she knows who you are. Don't worry, she didn't tell me, even though I wish she had. But do you know what she did tell me? She told me not to hate you. It was as if she was reading my mind.
Then she told me how you had listened to her as well. I don't exactly know what she told you, but she made it clear that she felt as though you genuinely were listening to her, and that you cared about her. If you were playing some kind of part to her, all I can say is that she is too good of a person for you to even look at, but if you were genuinely listening, then…thank you."
Racer X raised his head at the sound of that. That was quite possibly the most unexpected thing anyone had ever said to him. 'Thank you?' he thought. 'What could he possibly mean by that?'
"Thank you?" he questioned.
Speed nodded. "Yes. She deserves to have someone listen to her, and I haven't been there as often as I should have. And it kills me to think that you might have, in some strange way, actually treated her more kindly in one night than I have in fifteen years. So thank you."
"Speed, I have seen you and her together for so long. And I know that you are a good person, and you have always treated her the way that she deserves. I don't think you know how good of a person you are."
A hint of a smile crept across Speed's face. "That's interesting that you should say that; she said the exact same thing. And it feels good to hear that, but I can't help but still doubt the validity of it."
"Don't doubt yourself, Speed. You can't chase after perfection; just accept who you are and feel confident in who you are."
Speed looked up, and for the first time, he and Racer X locked eyes.
"And know what blessings you have. I can't see my family as often as you, and I don't have anyone in my life the way that she is in yours. I envy you for that."
"I know how lucky I am. And I have to tell you, I'm not really a jealous person by nature, but the thought of her in your house all night makes me want to strangle you."
Racer X smiled a little bit. "Jealousy is a more valuable emotion than most people realize; it is what keeps us from losing our grip on what is really important to us. But you don't need to be jealous; she's too good for me, I know that."
Speed raised his eyebrows and nodded, making Racer X laugh a little bit. "I'm not going to refute that one…but then again, I don't feel good enough for her sometimes either."
A silence fell over the two of them, and Racer X finally gave his finger some attention. He pulled a cloth from a nearby table and wiped some of the blood away, but it had actually already stopped bleeding. And as he tended to it, he saw that Speed was walking away. He opened his mouth to say something, as it didn't feel like the two of them had resolved anything, but something stopped him.
And later on, as the snow still continued to fall, dropping inch after inch over the entire landscape, he found himself wandering close to the Racer home. Safely hidden in the surrounding woods, he just stood there for a period of time, watching in amusement as Pops unloaded a Christmas tree from a van, the family slowly carrying it in to the house. Everyone was there; Speed, Spritle, Sparky, Trixie, and his mother and father. He could see them all laughing and joking together, putting family ornaments on the branches, mocking Pops as he tried to untangle a string of lights, having a slight food fight with marshmallows, chocolate bars, and graham crackers which they had been using to make s'mores. An undefined period of time passed, but darkness fell, and the daylight evaporated as Sparky left, then finally Trixie left after sharing a rather affectionate embrace with Speed that made Rex feel a slight blush come to his cheeks and a smile come to his lips. He envied Speed for having such a wonderful woman, and Rex actually had to admit the presence of the slightest twinge of jealousy at their relationship. Something about her just made his emotions get the better of him.
But there was one final sight that literally made him walk up to the front door and stretch out an arm to ring the doorbell, while at the same time reaching up to take his mask off. He didn't actually ring the bell, and he did not reveal himself to the family that night, but he had come so close.
Mother and Pops had drifted out of the living room, leaving only Speed and Spritle left. He couldn't hear their conversation, but the two had obviously been playing some kind of game, and they alternated conversation with laughter and playful wrestling. Rex and Speed had often done the same thing when Rex was still at home. And after a few cycles of wrestling and laughing, Spritle crawled in to the arms of his older brother, smiling and clutching at his chest, while Speed's arms came down and embraced the tiny form of his younger sibling. The vision was so similar to his memory of Speed crawling in to his arms on the night of his final departure that Rex knew then and there what he had missed over the years. But he was happy that Spritle would have an older brother for his entire life.
Standing in front of the door, he just could not move forward. But before he turned and left off in to his own lonely world, he whispered, "I will be home…and I love you all."
Thank you again to my reviewers. Update/post your own stories soon!
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"Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it forgoes revenge, and dares forgive an injury."
--E.H. Chapin
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Freshly showered and somewhat rested, Trixie stood in front of the Racer home, finding that she was having difficulty willing herself to enter. Yesterday had been so eventful and stressful that she had originally thought she wanted to spend this day entirely by herself, but as soon as she arrived at her house she immediately felt a strong urge to see everyone. The knowledge of who Rex was and what he knew about her was extremely comforting, as she felt as though a heavy burden had been lifted from her shoulders. However, she also felt a tremendous amount of guilt at the fact that it was Rex, and not Speed, who had knowledge of the most private pains she had ever felt. And not only that, but she was now a part of the secret that caused Speed the greatest pain of his life. She didn't exactly know which was worse; betraying Rex by revealing the secret or betraying Speed by keeping it.
She stood in the snow for what felt like at least fifteen minutes. The snowfall had finally let up, after placing seven inches on the ground, and now the landscape echoed with the sound of plows trying to clean up the roadways. The sky was still grey and cloudy, however, and when she checked the local weather forecast it had said that more snow was on its way. It really was going to be an intense winter; they had never even gotten so much as a flurry by this time in years past, and now they were practically in the middle of a blizzard.
The cold was beginning to get to her, and she began to walk closer to the front door as she took deep breaths the whole time. She couldn't help but feel incredibly nervous; she didn't know how Speed was going to react to what she had to tell him.
She paused once more at the front door, then lifted a hand and rang the doorbell. A smile crept across her face as she could hear quite clearly a small, raspy voice scream out, "I'll get it!". Then tiny, rapid footsteps pounded across the wood floors and the door opened, revealing an excited and breathless Spritle. Why he got such pleasure out of opening the front door, she would never know.
"Hey there." Trixie said, smiling down at him. He paused and stared up at her with his enormous chocolate colored eyes, then quite literally attacked her. He jumped up and clutched her around her waist, still out of breath from running to the door. He tried to say something, but she could barely understand him, as his breath was so rapid and deep.
"Trixie! We…pant pant…were…so worried…pant…about you."
Trixie smiled and knelt down in front of Spritle, then enveloped him in a proper hug. He could really get on her nerves sometimes, but that was part of his charm. His spirit and curiosity and innocent kindness was just amazing to her; he reminded her a bit of what Speed had been like when he was younger.
"I'm sorry I worried you all." She said quietly.
"You should have seen Speed…he didn't sleep all night…he just sat in the kitchen and stared at a cup of coffee. I think he was trying to figure out why he drank that stuff in the first place. It makes his teeth yellow and he gets so hyper."
"Well, you are certainly the expert on hyperactivity." A male voice said from behind them. Trixie looked up and saw a smiling, yet clearly very exhausted, Speed in front of her. She smiled up at him, then gently released Spritle. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Pops and Mother standing behind Speed, smiling at her as well.
"Good morning." She said to all of them. Pops and Mother said "Good Morning" together, but Speed didn't say anything. When she at him again, she saw that the smile was no longer present on his face. He looked completely blank; for the first time since she had met him she couldn't tell if he wanted to burst in to tears or scream at someone.
"How are you feeling?" Mother spoke up. Trixie had been staring at Speed, but she broke it and looked over at Mother.
"A little shaken, but I'm better than I was yesterday." That was the truth; she was still incredibly confused and shocked about all of the events that had occurred yesterday, but she did feel much better. When Speed had driven her home last night, she had been a mess.
"You must be." Mother replied with a smile. "But I'm glad you came to see us; we're always here for you."
Trixie's eyes became cloudy with tears at the sound of that. The Racers were indeed the only family she had left, but even though she had no official relation to them, she shared such a bond with them. They had been a part of her life since she was five years old, when she and Speed had met for the first time in preschool, and they had always cared for her.
"You stole my line." Pops chimed in with a smirk. He looked over at his wife, then looked down at Spritle. Spritle appeared confused at first, but he got the message and walked over to his father. Pops put an arm around his wife, and a hand on the head of his youngest son, and then the three of them quietly turned and walked out of the room. Only Trixie and Speed were left, and she felt a combination of relief and apprehension while being alone with him. The blank look on his face frightened her to a certain degree.
But she was comforted a little bit by his immediate movements towards her. Always feeling he had to be the protective hero, he took her by the hand and pulled her inside the warm house, then quickly closed the door behind her. As she entered the main living room, she looked back over at him. The two of them just stared at one another for a few moments, neither of them knowing exactly what to say. However, Trixie felt it was her obligation to be the first to speak.
"Um…I have a lot to explain to you, and that's why I came." Then she paused and reached a hand up to touch his face, her brow furrowing with concern when she saw just how defined the bags under his eyes were. She definitely did not doubt what Spritle had told her; he looked as though he hadn't slept in weeks.
"God you look exhausted…" she whispered.
"Don't worry about me." He replied softly.
A silence fell over the two of them for a moment. Trixie had temporarily forgotten what she had planned to say, but she eventually tried to begin again.
"I have no idea where to begin…" her voice trailed off as her eyes drifted to the ground. She could feel Speed staring at her, waiting for her to say something.
She wanted to tell him everything; that she knew where his older brother had been all this time, but more than that, everything that had happened between her father and herself that last night. But years of silence are not easily remedied, and she knew in her heart that she could not tell him who Rex really was. To explain the things that had happened yesterday without admitting that key truth was the most difficult task she had ever felt she had been assigned.
"Let's sit down…is that alright with you?" She said looking up at him. He didn't say anything, but gently put an arm around her shoulders and led her in to the living room, where the two of them sat down on one of the couches. Even after sitting down, though, she still did not know how to break her silence, and looked down at her hands in a combination of guilt and sadness. She could only imagine what he might think of the things she had to say, and it made her feel worse to know that she would still be lying to him even when she tried to explain everything.
"Trixie…I'm listening, and I'll always be here to listen, but don't feel like you have to explain this to me. If you aren't ready, then I understand." He said gently. When she heard that, she just couldn't control the tears that immediately came to her eyes. He pulled her in to an embrace, one that she gladly returned, and the two of them sat there for a few minutes, Trixie sobbing, and Speed just gently holding her. But it didn't last very long.
"No, no, no." Trixie pushed herself out of Speed's embrace, her hands raising up to wipe her eyes. "I've got to tell you this, and if I don't now then I never will." Then she swallowed hard and took a deep breath. She couldn't look in to his eyes; she knew it would just make her cry again.
"He didn't hurt me. You should know that right away. And the reason why all of…the things that happened at the factory yesterday happened, was because…" she paused, but then forced herself to say, "I saw his face. I know who he is, and he acted violently because he was afraid of what I might do or who I might tell or even because of what I might think. He is a human being, and he just acted impulsively. I don't blame him at all for it."
She couldn't sit still while she explained this; she had to move around or she felt as though she would go mad. She stood up, rather suddenly, and walked over to the mantle over the fireplace, looking at all of the pictures that sat there. She recognized almost immediately the picture of Speed missing his two front teeth and resting on Rex's shoulders.
"It's a very long story as to how this occurred, but I actually wound up talking to him privately last night. I must look just as tired as you do, because I got practically no sleep last night.
We talked about an incredibly wide range of things. I felt a little uncomfortable with him at first, as he had indeed frightened me at the factory earlier on, but after a while I started to realize, and I felt rather humbled by, the fact that he was just a person. He wasn't a bad person, but he had made mistakes just as everyone else has. I guess that, since he figured I knew who he was already, it wouldn't make any difference if he told me some of the things that he had done throughout his life.
He has a family. And he loves them just as much as anyone could, and it tears him up inside to be so close to them, and yet impossibly removed from their lives. And he really is a sad person…he lives in this little house that is so bare, and feels so cold, as if a human being really didn't inhabit the space."
"You were at his house?" Speed spoke up. He hadn't wanted to interrupt her, but he couldn't control that comment.
Trixie realized that she had said a little bit more than she had meant to already. But she would not lie to him in an attempt to cover her tracks.
"Yes. Like I said before, it is a very long story.
I felt so awful for him. He is so lonely, and I fear that he is beginning to forget just how important a family is. But I also feel that he is a rare kind of person; he reminded me of some of the reasons why I love living so much. And he told me things that were incredibly jarring, but they were in some strange way very comforting. There's more to him than I ever thought there would be."
Trixie's voice trailed away, but Speed still didn't say anything, nor did he even stand up from the couch. He just continued to watch her as she walked from the mantle over to one of the nearby windows. A smile crept across her face as she realized that it was beginning to snow again; she couldn't only imagine how much they would get this time.
"Do you remember that race in Germany? The one that you pulled out of at the last minute because of my father?"
Speed faltered at the question, as the rapid subject change had thrown him off guard. But of course he remembered it; he hadn't wanted to go to that race in this first place, but Pops had somehow talked him in to it. And he would never forget the way that Trixie had initially told him that there was no way that she could go with him; she had to stay home with her dying father. But her father had basically forced her in to going to the race, even though everyone knew that, if she went, she would never see him again.
"Yes" he whispered. "I remember."
"The night that he died, he actually called me. We spoke for a long time, not really talking about anything important, but then the conversation slowly morphed in to a more serious discussion. We both knew it would be the last time we would talk.
And I'll never forget the last thing he said to me…he said that nothing else mattered in the world as long as you had someone who would be there with you, and who would love you no matter what you said or did. He told me that unconditional love was a rare gift, and it was the most important thing that anyone can ever hope to receive." Tears once more returned to her eyes at the memory.
"I want to be him. I want to be that kind, that understanding, that compassionate." She whispered her voice cracking.
"And I felt that by listening to Racer X, I was finally doing something genuinely kind. He had experienced so much pain, and he had to bear it all alone for so many years, and it makes me feel like a new person when I think about the way that I might have helped him. Even if it was so minute, if I lifted some of the burden, then I made a difference."
She stared outside for a few more moments, but then looked back over at Speed. He wasn't looking at her anymore; he was staring at the ground, but with a vacant look in his eyes.
"You've always made a difference." Speed said, his voice cracking as well. Trixie looked down at him, tears now flowing freely down her face. She felt, however, that her time to speak was now over. She had said everything that she had come here to say. Now, she only had to wait for Speed's reaction.
"Have I ever been there for you?" he asked her quietly. "Have I really been so absent that I was never there to listen?"
"Of course not!" Trixie whispered. "How could you think that?" she slowly walked over to him and tried to put a hand on his shoulder, but he pulled away from her gently. Now he was the one to walk over to the window and look outside, with his chest collapsed and his arms hanging by his sides.
"He has more of a connection with you than I do. You were always kind to everyone, but I feel like he is the only one who has ever appreciated it. I don't know whether to feel jealous or just envious."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that, I wish that I had been there for you, and that you could have felt comfortable telling me these things before. I was always doing something else, or going somewhere else, never stopping in order to just listen to you. But I feel like it's safe to assume that you've told him some things about yourself that you've never told me, and that is my fault. It's because he did what I never did; just stay with you."
"That's not true."
"Yes it is. You've been just as alone as he has, and up until now, you've been in the same predicament as he. You live among people who don't give you the things you deserve."
Trixie couldn't believe that she was hearing these things. She had expected Speed to be angry or hurt by her deception, but she hadn't expected him to be engulfed in a wave of self-loathing and belief that he had neglected her for nearly fifteen years straight. And it was all completely unfounded; how could she convince him of that?
"Speed…I don't think I finished where I should have. I should have told you before how, after he had hung up, I knew that he was gone. And I just sat there, feeling more alone than I ever had before, until the moment that you walked in to the room. Once you were there, and once you sat by me, I knew that I was not really alone. I had lost someone I loved, but I had others. And those others didn't replace him, but they made the void easier to bear."
"You didn't say a word to me for a week. You didn't tell me anything that you had been feeling."
"I didn't feel there was a need to. Just having the knowledge that you were there made me feel better, and knowing that, if I ever felt the need to talk about it, you would be there for me, made everything easier."
Speed fell in to silence. He just sighed and continued to stare out at the snowfall. Trixie felt like she couldn't bear the separation between them anymore, and she stood up, then walked over to him slowly. She reached her arms around his waist, resting her face and torso on his back. His slow, powerful heartbeat echoed underneath her skin, and she felt his chest rise and fall in the motions of another sigh.
"You don't know how good a person you are, Speed. And I love you for it."
Speed still couldn't say anything; he knew his voice would break if he tried to speak. But all he felt he could do was turn around and embrace her. The two hugged for a minute, then broke apart and kissed one another, then embraced once more.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"May I speak with you?"
Racer X jumped at the sound of the voice. He had been working, a little absent-mindedly, on the transmission of his racing car, but he jerked away from his work and accidentally cut his index finger in the process. He swore under his breath at the pain, then stood up in order to face his visitor. But with a great deal of apprehension and fear, he noticed immediately that it was no other than his younger brother.
He just stared at Speed for a moment, and watched how Speed stared relentlessly back at him with fire in his eyes. Clearly, Racer X was not going to enjoy this upcoming conversation, but he knew he deserved it. Trixie had been a bit too easy on him last night, for his behavior had been completely unforgivable. In fact, he felt like to be chastised by his younger brother would provide him with a little bit of relief from the guilt at causing everyone so much pain.
"Yes." He replied, his gaze drifting down to the ground. He resolved that no matter what Speed said to him, he would take it without protest.
But Speed didn't begin immediately. Instead, he looked down at Racer X's finger, which was still bleeding rather profusely, and said with a voice completely devoid of all emotion, "You are bleeding."
"I know…I'll deal with it later."
Speed paused once more, his eyes still boring holes in to Racer X's face. But after a while, Racer X could hear him say, "You don't even want to know what I think of you right now."
Racer X only nodded and continued to stare at the ground. He could only imagine exactly what Speed did think of him.
"For the first time ever since I met you, I sincerely hated you last night. And I do not use that word very often, nor do I feel like I possess genuine hatred for any human being very often.
You hurt someone I love, possibly the most important person in my life. You literally attacked her, both physically and emotionally, and then I found out that somehow, and I can only imagine the method that you used in to coercing her in to doing this, she wound up at your house, wherever the hell that is. And she has some extra bruises on her throat that weren't there yesterday. When I saw them, I knew that it was you, and I wanted to kill you.
But somehow, she doesn't hate you at all. She and I spoke earlier today, and I just sat there and listened to her explain how you are just a weak person just like everyone else in this world. You have some kind of family, you possess some kind of emotion for them, and you apparently convinced her that you have some kind of heart. And the whole time that she was talking, I wanted to shake her and yell at her, because I didn't comprehend how she could be this understanding of someone who had hurt her so much.
And apparently, she knows who you are. Don't worry, she didn't tell me, even though I wish she had. But do you know what she did tell me? She told me not to hate you. It was as if she was reading my mind.
Then she told me how you had listened to her as well. I don't exactly know what she told you, but she made it clear that she felt as though you genuinely were listening to her, and that you cared about her. If you were playing some kind of part to her, all I can say is that she is too good of a person for you to even look at, but if you were genuinely listening, then…thank you."
Racer X raised his head at the sound of that. That was quite possibly the most unexpected thing anyone had ever said to him. 'Thank you?' he thought. 'What could he possibly mean by that?'
"Thank you?" he questioned.
Speed nodded. "Yes. She deserves to have someone listen to her, and I haven't been there as often as I should have. And it kills me to think that you might have, in some strange way, actually treated her more kindly in one night than I have in fifteen years. So thank you."
"Speed, I have seen you and her together for so long. And I know that you are a good person, and you have always treated her the way that she deserves. I don't think you know how good of a person you are."
A hint of a smile crept across Speed's face. "That's interesting that you should say that; she said the exact same thing. And it feels good to hear that, but I can't help but still doubt the validity of it."
"Don't doubt yourself, Speed. You can't chase after perfection; just accept who you are and feel confident in who you are."
Speed looked up, and for the first time, he and Racer X locked eyes.
"And know what blessings you have. I can't see my family as often as you, and I don't have anyone in my life the way that she is in yours. I envy you for that."
"I know how lucky I am. And I have to tell you, I'm not really a jealous person by nature, but the thought of her in your house all night makes me want to strangle you."
Racer X smiled a little bit. "Jealousy is a more valuable emotion than most people realize; it is what keeps us from losing our grip on what is really important to us. But you don't need to be jealous; she's too good for me, I know that."
Speed raised his eyebrows and nodded, making Racer X laugh a little bit. "I'm not going to refute that one…but then again, I don't feel good enough for her sometimes either."
A silence fell over the two of them, and Racer X finally gave his finger some attention. He pulled a cloth from a nearby table and wiped some of the blood away, but it had actually already stopped bleeding. And as he tended to it, he saw that Speed was walking away. He opened his mouth to say something, as it didn't feel like the two of them had resolved anything, but something stopped him.
And later on, as the snow still continued to fall, dropping inch after inch over the entire landscape, he found himself wandering close to the Racer home. Safely hidden in the surrounding woods, he just stood there for a period of time, watching in amusement as Pops unloaded a Christmas tree from a van, the family slowly carrying it in to the house. Everyone was there; Speed, Spritle, Sparky, Trixie, and his mother and father. He could see them all laughing and joking together, putting family ornaments on the branches, mocking Pops as he tried to untangle a string of lights, having a slight food fight with marshmallows, chocolate bars, and graham crackers which they had been using to make s'mores. An undefined period of time passed, but darkness fell, and the daylight evaporated as Sparky left, then finally Trixie left after sharing a rather affectionate embrace with Speed that made Rex feel a slight blush come to his cheeks and a smile come to his lips. He envied Speed for having such a wonderful woman, and Rex actually had to admit the presence of the slightest twinge of jealousy at their relationship. Something about her just made his emotions get the better of him.
But there was one final sight that literally made him walk up to the front door and stretch out an arm to ring the doorbell, while at the same time reaching up to take his mask off. He didn't actually ring the bell, and he did not reveal himself to the family that night, but he had come so close.
Mother and Pops had drifted out of the living room, leaving only Speed and Spritle left. He couldn't hear their conversation, but the two had obviously been playing some kind of game, and they alternated conversation with laughter and playful wrestling. Rex and Speed had often done the same thing when Rex was still at home. And after a few cycles of wrestling and laughing, Spritle crawled in to the arms of his older brother, smiling and clutching at his chest, while Speed's arms came down and embraced the tiny form of his younger sibling. The vision was so similar to his memory of Speed crawling in to his arms on the night of his final departure that Rex knew then and there what he had missed over the years. But he was happy that Spritle would have an older brother for his entire life.
Standing in front of the door, he just could not move forward. But before he turned and left off in to his own lonely world, he whispered, "I will be home…and I love you all."