Yay me! Chapter 3!
Enjoy!
And please check out 'Life As Buffy Summers'.
It's vague but mmmmmm UST goodness coming up!
I might withhold the next chapter of 'Lose Yourself' if I don't get enough
reviews (flames or positive feedback)
********************
'So that Snyder really is a twisted old loony, isn't he?' Spike began tentatively, after about fifteen minutes of tense silence.
'Yep', Buffy replied, disinterested.
'Got us into a right fix, he did'.
'Yep'.
'Probably gone round the twist, pairing us up together'.
'Yep'.
'Look Summers, could you at least try to cooperate here? Feel like I'm talking to a sodding Buffybot. What happened to the 'we're not expelled yet' speech you gave me in the auditorium?'
'That was Insane-I-think-I-can-make-a-marriage-to-Spike Giles-work Buffy. This is Reality-checked-Buffy.'
'Well, bloody fine then,' exploded Spike at the end of his tether. 'If the Insane-watchamacallit-Buffy takes possession of your schizophrenic little mind tell her to *not* give me a call.'
And with that he stalked out of the room, down the stairs and out of the house, slamming the front door for good measure.
Buffy just sat stunned, staring open mouthed at her room door. *Who the hell does he think he is walking out on me?*
Just then Joyce appeared in the doorway. 'Honey, did you have a fight with your husband?'
************
To say that Willow was worried would be an understatement.
She had just received a disturbing phone call from Buffy and was seriously considering signing her up for some anger management classes. So she had done the only thing she could think of. She had called Xander.
Which, as it turns out, was not one of her best ideas.
'So Buffy and Spike are at loggerheads, huh? Must be a mighty cold day in hell.'
'Xander!'
'I'm just saying.it's not like it's highly unusual for those two to be trying to disembowel each other using blunt objects found in a kitchen'.
'Xander.'
'Yeah?'
'Imagery'.
'Right.'
'I don't think she's ever made so little sense. You know Angry-Buffy is Babbling-Buffy and.'
'Because *you* never babble,' Xander snorted. 'I'm sticking to my PMS theory.'
'Xander!' Willow was getting a little frustrated at her friend.
'Yeah?'
'Trying to make a point here.'
'Ah yes! PMS ridden Buffys are prone to decapitating your Gummi bears!' Xander sounded tickled.
'What does that even mean?'
'It means protect your Gummis when Buffy shows up with a knife. Or fork. Or any kitchen implement.'
A muffled sound of some sort at the end of the line announced either Willow's disapproval or amusement.
'I'm serious! Nobody likes a headless Gummi. That way lies much trauma and many nightmares.'
'Xander, could you focus, please?'
'OK OK. Hold on I'm getting another phone call'
Across town Xander pressed the little red button on his phone that allowed him to take waiting calls.
'Hello.?"
'Xander!'
'Cordy?' You're calling me on the *phone*?'
He stared incredulously at the Scooby-doo handset in he was holding. Never, since they had begun dating, had his haughty girlfriend called him on the phone. He gingerly held the phone back to his ear not knowing if it was a good sign or a bad one.
'Of course I'm calling you on the phone. I'm your wife! I think it's legal for me to call my husband if I want to!'
Xander was sure he wouldn't have been able to contain the groan if he tried. Ever since he had 'proposed' to Cordelia during lunch, she hadn't been able shut up about some wedding shower she wanted 'Daddy' to throw her.
Full-grown men cowered at the mere mention of 'marriage'. And Xander was all of eighteen. One can imagine his state of mind.
'.and have a cake too! With a little bride and groom on top! And I could wear my new designer.'
Xander quietly pressed the button that allowed him to have a conversation with Willow. Unaware that she was on hold, Cordelia prattled on.
'So Wills, we were discussing the behaviour of PMS ridden Buffy.'
'Xander! Who was on the other line anyway?'
'Ah! That would be the current Mrs Xander Harris.'
'Bugging the hell outta you huh?'
'She is attractive and has many good qualities,' Xander said doggedly.
Willow made a rude noise in the back of her throat. Buffy's bad temper seemed to be rubbing off on her.
Xander rolled over on his bed and accidentally hit the phone button that reconnected his to his new wife ('..and of course I said no, coz it's going to be a *private* party)
'Are you sure *you* don't have PMS,' Xander inquired, still under the impression he was talking to Willow.
'WHAT!'
'Huh? Cordy!'
A word of caution gentle readers. People make movies about the telephone. Horror movies. Conclusion: it is a strange and dangerous invention. Use it well!
*******
Joyce and Buffy sat in the living room facing each other each with her respective 'resolve faces' firmly in place.
'Really, Buffy if you act so immature you might be looking at a divorce!'
Buffy groaned and put her head in her hands.
'It's not real, mom! There can't be a divorce without a marriage and There- Is-No-Marriage!' Buffy ground out each word slowly and carefully.
'Well, you're *very* lucky there isn't. William is being infinitely patient and I don't see you making even the smallest effort to get over this absurdly childish dislike you have for him.'
'I don't *dislike* him', Buffy corrected her mother ', I *hate* him.'
'Don't be rude to your mother, dear,' Joyce said absently, now staring at a spot above Buffy's head with a gleam in her eye.
'You know, I think it's time for a little parental intervention'.
Buffy's eyes widened to twice their normal size. She leapt out of her seat. 'What! No! Mom! We can handle this! No parents! O-or Intervention!'
'With an expulsion hanging over your head Buffy! No. It is definitely time I spoke to Mr Giles. Come on'
Joyce got up and walked briskly to the coat rack.
Buffy stayed put and looked blankly at her mother. 'Come where? Where are you going mom?'
'*We're* going to the Giles', Buffy,' in a tone that was seemingly cheerful but brooked no argument.
Buffy blinked. '.My life sucks.'
'What was that, honey?'
'I said "I like ducks,"' Buffy gabbled hurriedly, not keen on having a fight with her mother at such a critical stage.
'That's nice, dear. Let's go now'.
Buffy walked out to the car and got in. Sulkily. Ten minutes later Spike's mood was (also) considerably blackened due to the presence of his wife in his house.
*****************
The Giles' house was like any average suburban American house.
This somewhat surprised Buffy, considering the Mr Giles was as British as it was possible to be. She took an instant liking to him and wondered how someone so *mild* had fathered the spawn of Satan. At that thought she shot said spawn a dirty look. Spike, sprawled on the couch, just smirked at her. This infuriated Buffy further.
Unfortunately Buffy's mother also seemed to have taken a liking to Mr Giles.
'Ohh.Rupert!'
'Yes, Joyce it was hard but.'
'I *completely* understand, Rupert. When it was time for me to have the *sex* talk with Buffy,' (at this Buffy hid her flaming face in her hands as Spike's smirk widened),' I was so nervous. I mean I had to explain to a fifteen-year-old about sexual intercourse and protection.'
'Yes,' interjected Giles, eyes sparkling with enthusiasm,' I stressed on the protection bit, too. With all the sexually transmitted diseases going around these days it is always wise to carry a few condoms around. In fact I see to it that William does not leave the house without a few.'
'Daaa,' Spike protested in embarrassment as Buffy lifted her head and gave him an amused grin. Spike stuck his tongue out at her.
So caught up were they in their silent fight that they almost didn't hear Giles invite Joyce out for dinner. Before they had time to react Joyce had trilled them a cheery 'Behave yourselves kids' The next minute their respective parents were out of the house while they were left staring flabbergasted at the door.
'Did you see the googly eyes they were makin' at each other?' Spike asked of Buffy.
She nodded. 'Waaaay wiggy'.
They stared at the door for a few more seconds.
'So,' Spike started, smirk back in place, 'fifteen, huh?'
'Don't start with me, condom boy.'
*******************
********************
'So that Snyder really is a twisted old loony, isn't he?' Spike began tentatively, after about fifteen minutes of tense silence.
'Yep', Buffy replied, disinterested.
'Got us into a right fix, he did'.
'Yep'.
'Probably gone round the twist, pairing us up together'.
'Yep'.
'Look Summers, could you at least try to cooperate here? Feel like I'm talking to a sodding Buffybot. What happened to the 'we're not expelled yet' speech you gave me in the auditorium?'
'That was Insane-I-think-I-can-make-a-marriage-to-Spike Giles-work Buffy. This is Reality-checked-Buffy.'
'Well, bloody fine then,' exploded Spike at the end of his tether. 'If the Insane-watchamacallit-Buffy takes possession of your schizophrenic little mind tell her to *not* give me a call.'
And with that he stalked out of the room, down the stairs and out of the house, slamming the front door for good measure.
Buffy just sat stunned, staring open mouthed at her room door. *Who the hell does he think he is walking out on me?*
Just then Joyce appeared in the doorway. 'Honey, did you have a fight with your husband?'
************
To say that Willow was worried would be an understatement.
She had just received a disturbing phone call from Buffy and was seriously considering signing her up for some anger management classes. So she had done the only thing she could think of. She had called Xander.
Which, as it turns out, was not one of her best ideas.
'So Buffy and Spike are at loggerheads, huh? Must be a mighty cold day in hell.'
'Xander!'
'I'm just saying.it's not like it's highly unusual for those two to be trying to disembowel each other using blunt objects found in a kitchen'.
'Xander.'
'Yeah?'
'Imagery'.
'Right.'
'I don't think she's ever made so little sense. You know Angry-Buffy is Babbling-Buffy and.'
'Because *you* never babble,' Xander snorted. 'I'm sticking to my PMS theory.'
'Xander!' Willow was getting a little frustrated at her friend.
'Yeah?'
'Trying to make a point here.'
'Ah yes! PMS ridden Buffys are prone to decapitating your Gummi bears!' Xander sounded tickled.
'What does that even mean?'
'It means protect your Gummis when Buffy shows up with a knife. Or fork. Or any kitchen implement.'
A muffled sound of some sort at the end of the line announced either Willow's disapproval or amusement.
'I'm serious! Nobody likes a headless Gummi. That way lies much trauma and many nightmares.'
'Xander, could you focus, please?'
'OK OK. Hold on I'm getting another phone call'
Across town Xander pressed the little red button on his phone that allowed him to take waiting calls.
'Hello.?"
'Xander!'
'Cordy?' You're calling me on the *phone*?'
He stared incredulously at the Scooby-doo handset in he was holding. Never, since they had begun dating, had his haughty girlfriend called him on the phone. He gingerly held the phone back to his ear not knowing if it was a good sign or a bad one.
'Of course I'm calling you on the phone. I'm your wife! I think it's legal for me to call my husband if I want to!'
Xander was sure he wouldn't have been able to contain the groan if he tried. Ever since he had 'proposed' to Cordelia during lunch, she hadn't been able shut up about some wedding shower she wanted 'Daddy' to throw her.
Full-grown men cowered at the mere mention of 'marriage'. And Xander was all of eighteen. One can imagine his state of mind.
'.and have a cake too! With a little bride and groom on top! And I could wear my new designer.'
Xander quietly pressed the button that allowed him to have a conversation with Willow. Unaware that she was on hold, Cordelia prattled on.
'So Wills, we were discussing the behaviour of PMS ridden Buffy.'
'Xander! Who was on the other line anyway?'
'Ah! That would be the current Mrs Xander Harris.'
'Bugging the hell outta you huh?'
'She is attractive and has many good qualities,' Xander said doggedly.
Willow made a rude noise in the back of her throat. Buffy's bad temper seemed to be rubbing off on her.
Xander rolled over on his bed and accidentally hit the phone button that reconnected his to his new wife ('..and of course I said no, coz it's going to be a *private* party)
'Are you sure *you* don't have PMS,' Xander inquired, still under the impression he was talking to Willow.
'WHAT!'
'Huh? Cordy!'
A word of caution gentle readers. People make movies about the telephone. Horror movies. Conclusion: it is a strange and dangerous invention. Use it well!
*******
Joyce and Buffy sat in the living room facing each other each with her respective 'resolve faces' firmly in place.
'Really, Buffy if you act so immature you might be looking at a divorce!'
Buffy groaned and put her head in her hands.
'It's not real, mom! There can't be a divorce without a marriage and There- Is-No-Marriage!' Buffy ground out each word slowly and carefully.
'Well, you're *very* lucky there isn't. William is being infinitely patient and I don't see you making even the smallest effort to get over this absurdly childish dislike you have for him.'
'I don't *dislike* him', Buffy corrected her mother ', I *hate* him.'
'Don't be rude to your mother, dear,' Joyce said absently, now staring at a spot above Buffy's head with a gleam in her eye.
'You know, I think it's time for a little parental intervention'.
Buffy's eyes widened to twice their normal size. She leapt out of her seat. 'What! No! Mom! We can handle this! No parents! O-or Intervention!'
'With an expulsion hanging over your head Buffy! No. It is definitely time I spoke to Mr Giles. Come on'
Joyce got up and walked briskly to the coat rack.
Buffy stayed put and looked blankly at her mother. 'Come where? Where are you going mom?'
'*We're* going to the Giles', Buffy,' in a tone that was seemingly cheerful but brooked no argument.
Buffy blinked. '.My life sucks.'
'What was that, honey?'
'I said "I like ducks,"' Buffy gabbled hurriedly, not keen on having a fight with her mother at such a critical stage.
'That's nice, dear. Let's go now'.
Buffy walked out to the car and got in. Sulkily. Ten minutes later Spike's mood was (also) considerably blackened due to the presence of his wife in his house.
*****************
The Giles' house was like any average suburban American house.
This somewhat surprised Buffy, considering the Mr Giles was as British as it was possible to be. She took an instant liking to him and wondered how someone so *mild* had fathered the spawn of Satan. At that thought she shot said spawn a dirty look. Spike, sprawled on the couch, just smirked at her. This infuriated Buffy further.
Unfortunately Buffy's mother also seemed to have taken a liking to Mr Giles.
'Ohh.Rupert!'
'Yes, Joyce it was hard but.'
'I *completely* understand, Rupert. When it was time for me to have the *sex* talk with Buffy,' (at this Buffy hid her flaming face in her hands as Spike's smirk widened),' I was so nervous. I mean I had to explain to a fifteen-year-old about sexual intercourse and protection.'
'Yes,' interjected Giles, eyes sparkling with enthusiasm,' I stressed on the protection bit, too. With all the sexually transmitted diseases going around these days it is always wise to carry a few condoms around. In fact I see to it that William does not leave the house without a few.'
'Daaa,' Spike protested in embarrassment as Buffy lifted her head and gave him an amused grin. Spike stuck his tongue out at her.
So caught up were they in their silent fight that they almost didn't hear Giles invite Joyce out for dinner. Before they had time to react Joyce had trilled them a cheery 'Behave yourselves kids' The next minute their respective parents were out of the house while they were left staring flabbergasted at the door.
'Did you see the googly eyes they were makin' at each other?' Spike asked of Buffy.
She nodded. 'Waaaay wiggy'.
They stared at the door for a few more seconds.
'So,' Spike started, smirk back in place, 'fifteen, huh?'
'Don't start with me, condom boy.'
*******************