So you want to join the Death Eaters but are afraid that you'll end up in Azkaban like me? Don't worry; I think you'll really like being one of us. Let me tell you why I joined. I wasn't actually looking to become a Dark Witch. It just sort of happened. I was bored stuck at home, cursing house elves all day, drinking wine from my goblin silver, and eating finest centaur chocolates, and even werewolf taxidermy was getting tedious. I went out looking for a club to join and found something that consumed me beyond expectations.
I didn't originally plan to get involved with ritual sacrifices and world domination. I wanted a club with rummage sales and summer potlucks. With a name like Death Eaters, you'd think there would be SOME feasts, not just poisonings on the solstices. I won't complain though. Once I learned the Cruciatus Curse, there was no turning back. It was just too much fun.
The Dark Lord is the best leader I could hope for, especially now that he's not a half-snake fetus anymore. His name strikes fear into the hearts of teenaged boys everywhere. His goals of immortality, death to our enemies, and snake rescue adoption are really in line with my family values. He's there for me when I forget the incantation to the hex that makes people's eyeballs bleed, and he always makes me laugh. And I've never met a better dancer.
I really enjoy the company of my fellow members. It's hard to find such an exclusive group of people with my pureblooded ideals, and the Death Eaters are selective enough to meet my high standards. When we're standing strong together behind our masks, cursing muggles, I really feel like I belong to a family. It was perfect until my husband, Rodolphus, quit his job as a broom salesman and joined the Death Eaters too. He always has to horn in on my fun. He even invited his brother Rastaban and my cousin Regulus, who flunked his NEWTs in school and became a sanitation worker. His motto is to mop up the mudbloods.
Unfortunately that imbecile husband of mine bragged to all his friends at the Hog's Head, showing them his Dark Mark tattoo and Morsmordre spell, and then blamed the leak on Regulus, who was so drunk on fire whiskey that he looked like a barbecued dragon. Dear, sweet Regulus was executed as a traitor, and the rest of us got thrown in Azkaban. So just don't let your husband join, or at least Obliviate him after every meeting, and you'll be fine.
Here I am locked up in Azkaban, the most boring place on Earth. If it weren't for the wailing and sobbing and the occasional bizarre barking noise, I'd be crazy by now. I do enjoy the ambiance. It so reminds me of my master. He always sends me Christmas and birthday cards, you know. He'll come get me soon, and we'll be together forever. That's what Dark Lords are for.
Yes, I really recommend the Death Eaters, and I think you should join too. I only have one complaint: I wish the tattoos were a little more stylish. It clashes with my sallow skin tone.
Love and kisses,
Bella