Disclaimer: harry potter is not mine etc. etc. btw, I threw in some humor so y'all didn't kill yourselves. Thanks for all the reviews. Keep 'em rolling!
Author's Note: This takes place in the middle of Yr. 5
Neville's sleeping draught had worked far too well. Umbridge had not woken for three days. I think Dumbledore has some idea of what happened, but he (along with the rest of the school) does not seem too worried. Finally, after all these years a Defense class. Quirrell had been a fool, Lockhart a poof, Lupin… I won't even start on him, quasi-Mad-Eye Moody, and finally the ugly Pink Blob. These fifth years didn't know a damn thing. How could they possibly pass their O.W.L.S. in this wretched state? For Harry's sake, I must appear at least tolerant of these students. All of them, not just Harry.
The class trudges in. The Bataan Death March actually looked like a parade in Piccadilly Circus compared to the looks on these student's faces. Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat conferring in the corner of the Defense classroom. I don't even have to attempt to listen to know they're talking about last night's little show. Let's see how this goes..
"Ok, class, judging from the syllabus, it seems you've learned absolutely nothing this year. While this isn't any different than any other year, I find it surprising for an, ahem, Ministry approved course…" What, no laughs? Not even a snigger? Bah dum, CHING! No one's ever understood my humor… except Lily "In short, you miserable fifth years know less about Defense Against the Dark Arts than Mrs. Norris. This shall soon change. Miss Granger, name one misconception about vampires."
"It is often believed that vampires MUST sleep in a coffin, but this is not the case. While a coffin is the safest place for them to retire during the sunlight hours, it was proven in Anne Rice's documentary Interview with a Vampire that all that is required of a vampire is to stay out of direct sunlight. She found through her interview that…"
"Thank you, Miss Granger, that will more than do." Did I just say thank you to her? Being nice to Harry and his… friends was going to be more difficult than he ever imagined. And this was only the beginning. "Mr. Malfoy, what is a baby mandragora plant's first defensive instinct?"
"To bite the closest thing to their mouth, Professor." If Malfoy's teeth had been clenched any harder they would have disintegrated. The class roared with laughter. I knew I could get them to laugh…
"Well, I see you all aren't complete dunces. Mr. Potter, what is the proper incantation to send away Dementors?"
Harry raised his wand and screamed "EXPECTO PATRONUM!!" A silver stag erupted from the end of his wand and stampeded towards Snape, tossed him into the air, and stuck him through his cape to the wall.
"Apparently I got the wrong spell, because it seems the dementor is still with us." The room erupts with laughter.
MUST… RESIST… URGE… TO KILL…!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Neville, realizing that Snape is positioned directly over an empty plant hook screams "FINITE INCANTATEM!!," causing the stag to disappear. A much-bedraggled Snape falls directly onto a empty plant hook, and hangs from it by his ripped robes. Neville bursts into gleeful laughter. With those blazing green eyes, Harry looks right at him and states what the entire class was thinking: "THAT, was for Frank and Alice Longbottom."
Several seconds go by, a minute, two minutes… an EON. Realizing that no one will help him down, Snape mutters a spell under his breath, the plant hook vanishes, and he falls to the ground. In one sweeping movement he stands and faces Harry.
"A most excellent example of a Patronus from such a young wizard. Congratulations, Mr. Potter."
The collective volume of all these open mouths could hold the whole of the Atlantic… Should I give him a detention? No, he would expect that. What to say?
"And I must say your technique is excellent. Please, would you stay after class and show me that again? If, you wouldn't mind?"
"Yes, Professor"
[After class]
"I suppose you know why I've asked you to stay after class"
"You enjoyed being pinned to the wall so much that you want me to do it again?"
Wincing, "Sirius told me via owl that he spoke with you last night."
"Yes"
"Well, let me get directly to the point. As your true godfather, I have always felt that you need much more careful guarding than Dumbledore has been willing to give you. From now on, you shall live with me."
"But it's school rules that all students must live in the dormitories!"
"Yes, but as I'm sure you are well aware of by now, Potter, yours is a special case. Besides, you've never cared about following school rules up to this point, so why start now?"
"Sirius said nothing about this. I doubt if he would approve of…"
"Don't you realize now that it doesn't MATTER what Black thinks?"
"SIRIUS isn't dead, so I don't have to listen to a WORD you say."
"Oh, but it think you do." Snape pulled a piece of parchment from his pocket. On it was written actually forged. I have to admid I did a very good job:
"Dear Harry,
Look, I know you're not happy about this situation, but it cannot be helped. Listen to Snape. Do EXACTLY what he says. He has your best interests ha! at heart.
--Sirius"
"So you see, Potter, it seems you haven't much of a choice, if you are to listen to your 'godfather'."
"Damn you! You've always hated him, because he was my father's best friend. You were never allowed into their group, and it bothers you to this day. You want me now after all these years???? Fine, you can have me. We shall see how long this sudden outburst of love lasts."
"I'll see you tonite by the edge of the Forbidden Forest, Potter. Be there no later than 10 PM, and bring your things."
Without pausing to await Harry's response, Snape swept out of the room. Why bother to wait for a response, when I could hear his mouth hissing "SONOFABITCH!"? The child will be there, and that is enough…