Author: Darlaranger

Story Title: Love Changes Us

Chapter Title: From my Body to my Bugs

Summary: More talking, a bit of anger.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, literally. I have 6 dollars in my checking account and maybe 30 in my savings. If CBS and Bruckheimer really want my last 36 bucks, they can have it, as long as it means we keep getting episodes as good as Homebodies was.

Spoilers: As I plan to ignore pretty much everything that actually goes on during the episodes, I'd say you're pretty much safe here. I'll warn people if that changes.

Sorry for the lack of happenings in this one. I kind of backed myself into a corner with the last sentence of that last chapter and had to devote this one to breaking free.

And, on with the show:

"Sara, I'm too old to be a father."

He said it with such an honest conviction that she could have laughed, would have laughed, if her heart hadn't started to break with his words.

"Too old? Why?" She might have turned to him, to see the emotions in his face for herself, but she was afraid he'd be able to look into her eyes and see the shards that used to be her heart. In the past she had been able to hide all her emotions from him, to secure them away and almost forget about them herself.  But now, now that they were involved, he was getting better at reading her, and she was getting worse at secreting things away.

"Sara. I'm 46 years old. I've been told time and time again that I'm a stubborn old goat who's become too set in his ways—most often by you. I don't think I can be altruistic enough to make room in my life for a child—it was hard enough to make room for you. Besides," he said and pulled a hand free from hers and began to stroke her thigh, "I didn't exactly have a normal childhood. I grew up with a deaf mother and an absentee father. I don't think I'd even have a clue on how to be somebody's father." His hand stopped stroking for a moment, "Where did all this come from, Sara?"

It took her less than a second to decide that she couldn't handle telling him the truth now. "Uh, an old roommate from college emailed me yesterday. She and her husband are expecting their first child. She asked if I ever planned on having children, that's all."

"And what did you tell her? Do you want children, Sara?"

"I told her that there was only one man I'd ever want children with and that it would depend on whether he wanted them or not."

"Sara…" Grissom breathed her name and nudged her until she rolled over and faced him. "Sara, if there was one person in the world I'd want to have children with, it'd be you. But more than the age issue, there's the issue of my hearing. It's a genetic condition; I would rather never have children then take the chance of passing it on to them."

"I see," Sara said, and deep down, she almost could. But that didn't help her current predicament.

Grissom must've sensed her sadness because he pulled her tight to him again, and kissed her forehead. Then he pulled back a bit so he could look her in the eyes, "Sara, I love you. I'll give you everything I have. From my body to my bug collection to my soul—it's all yours. But I don't think I could ever give you children, Sara, not in good conscience anyway."

Though she felt like crying, she put on a big fake smile and said, "I understand." But she didn't. Even though she hadn't been exactly sure she was ready for motherhood, she had been having little moments, almost like premonitions, of the future that could be. A small child sitting on her lap, holding her hand. And Grissom—Grissom standing next to her, holding the child in his arms. She had begun to hope for that future, that happy family in her dreams.

And now, all her hopes were gone.

"I'll be right back, I've got to pee." She started to get up from the bed and was almost to the door when the phone rang.

"I'll get it, it's my cell," he said, "you go on."

It took him a minute to find the phone and when he did he wasn't that happy to hear Catherine's voice in his ear.

"Hey, are you feeling better?"

"I was, and then you called. What's up? I'm not on for another couple of hours." He searched around on the floor for his boxers.

"Yeah, I know. Listen, I gave Nick and Warrick a case that came in early this morning. It that sounded pretty easy—a single DB, but they called me just now saying they've got another vic, and a missing child. Sounded like they could use some extra help. I thought maybe you and Sara could come in early; I mean, if you've got nothing else planned…"

"No problem, are we meeting you at the scene? Or at the lab?"

"Labs good, that'll give us time to regroup."

"Good, we'll see you in about a half an hour. Ohh, and Catherine?"

"Yes," her voice sounding excited.

"Sara's informed me that you know about our relationship. I'd just like to say thanks for not saying anything to anyone so far."

The enthusiasm gone from her voice, "Ohhh, well, no problem. See you soon, Gil.'

Sara came out of the bathroom just after he'd hung up, "Who was that?"

Grissom pulled his boxers up, "Catherine, she wanted to know if we could come in early to help on a case. I told her we'd be there in a half an hour."

"What kind of case?"

"Not sure, multiple DBs though. I'm gonna go grab a shower, want to join me?"

"Uh, sure."

Sara turns around and heads back to the bathroom with Grissom close on her heels. The door to the bedroom closes slightly with the gust of wind their moving bodies create.

Sara is putting her purse into her locker when Catherine enters the room.

"You don't look happy, what's wrong, didn't Grissom take the news well?"

Sara closes the door hard and the sound it makes resonates through the room loudly, making her flinch. "I didn't tell him."

Catherine reaches for Sara's arm, "Sara, why? I thought you were going to tell him."

"I was, I broached the subject, and then he told me that he didn't want children."

"How exactly did you only "broach" the subject? And if you only "broached" the subject but didn't actually tell him, how do you know he doesn't want children?"

Sara sat down on the bench to tie her shoe, "I, um, well, I asked if he'd ever thought about having children. And then he said that he was too old to be a father. That he wouldn't know what to do if he were to become one. And then he brought up the hearing issue—he doesn't want children because he doesn't want to pass on his disease. I couldn't tell him after hearing that."

Tears start to fall from Sara's eyes and drip down her face. She tries to wipe them away, but they just keep coming. Catherine sits down next to her and puts her arms around Sara's body, comforting her.

"Honey, you should have just come out and said it. I know it might've seemed better to test the field a bit first, but you never want to do that with a man on this issue. Men will say that they don't want children all the time—until they're going to have one of their own, then they act as if children were always part of the plan. It's just their nature."

"I don't think so, Catherine," Sara managed to say between sniffles; "you didn't hear what he said. He was pretty sincere about it, he even said that he'd want children with me—if he were younger and if there were no risk of hearing problems. I don't think he'd change his mind."

Catherine silently cursed the man, and continued to try to calm Sara down. After a few minutes, the two women separated, Sara's tears drying and Catherine's face set in a half murderous rage-half sympathetic friend kind of look.

"Ready to go to work," she asked Sara.

"Yeah, let's go," Sara replied and headed for the door.

"Nick and Warrick are still at the scene. Why don't you go grab the Tahoe and I'll get Griss, we'll meet you out front."

"Catherine…you're not going to…"

"No, I'm not going to say anything; I just didn't think you'd want to explain why you'd been crying."

"Okay, thanks."

They parted ways and Catherine headed toward her boss' office. She didn't bother knocking on the closed door but instead barged right in. Grissom was surprised at this invasion and sat open-mouthed at his desk.

"We're ready to go, you coming" she said coldly, giving him a heated glare.

"Catherine, are you mad at me?"

"Yes."

"Would you like to tell me why?"

"No."

She turns around to leave, leaving him sitting there trying to figure out what he might've done.

"Women," he says with a sigh, thinking about Sara's somewhat odd questions earlier, "I'd sell my tarantulas just to understand them for a single moment."