Author's Notes: Written by my good friend, triggerhappinessisavirtue, and posted by me. This was a result of a discussion between me and her whilst studying chemistry, if you can't tell. This is the result of her painstaking work and hardship, and the cause of me bursting into hysterics.
P.S. Here's her commentary to me: I'm caught in some snag of old english humour now, so do ignore the English cussing. Hey, I ripped it off the newpaper ...The Dove girls...EURGH
If Alucard was a Hair Model...
Hellsing Hair Products, Take 1:
The background is a massive old study in the hellsing Institution. Alucard is posed against a gnarled oaken chair, legs crossed, one hand gripping the armrest, the other flicking his silken locks like some bally sissy.
"Well, arent we going to start?"
__________{Take One}__________*clack*
Alucard twirls his hair around one long finger. "I was into this girly look, so I had my hair permed." Alucard's hair cringes, whimpering.
"Oh, quit whining.
"It was very nice, but it was getting a bit dry. It was always dead and limp," the hair beasts nod in painful recollection. "So I had no choice but to put it up ito a ponytail." Sniffle. Whine.
"Now, after using Dove Shower Cream, there's new life in my hair." Alucard strokes his silky hair, which shudders.
" It feels very bouncy, like this," flicks locks, " very springy."
" Now when I stride into battle or down a street, I see a damned sexy man who's glowing from the inside." He tosses his head, causing his hair to swing around and start attacking the cameraman.
" Real Damned Sexy."
__________{End Take One}_________*clack*
Alucard snarls. " Dammit, that wasn't good enough?"
__________{Take Two}__________*clack*
Alucard fiddles with one ebony lock. " When I wanted to project a particular scene or feeling, I would normally use a lot of hair spray or hair gel to get different hair styles. Take a look at this." Flashes a picture of himself in a threatenning crouch, fangs beared, his hair beating the living crap out of a zombie.
" That was why my hair was so brittle." One of the hair beasts scratches its head with one shadowy foot. The head falls to the ground with a clunk. Whimpers. Whine.
"I felt that my hair had no life. Now my hair is really dynamic. All I have to do now is to swing my head," swings head. "And my hair will follow its movement." The hair beasts fling themselves into a wide arc, carving wide swaths of destruction on the bookshelves behind.
"It really feels like there is a new aura radiating within, more confidence there," Alucard gives the camera a suave, fanged grin, eyes glinting.
" And my audience can feel it."
Walter bursts through the oaken doors. "NO ALUCARD! NOT THE BOOKS! NOT THE STUDY! NOT AGAIN! NOOO--
__________{End Take Two}__________*clack*
Alucard waves at someone off-camera. " Yes, yes. Whatever, Walter, I won't touch the books again."
__________{Take Three}__________*clack*
"When I was working in France in Febuary, there really wasn't much opportunity to take care of my hair. All my hair products were at home because they didn't have enough space in the cargo carrier.
"So when I got back home I realise how dry my hair was. All of my hair was standing up like static and I couldn't even get them to move." Hair beasts whimper.
After using Dove Cream Shower, my hair is so tame. Their fangs are much sharper and it's so much easier to do damage." Alucard tied a bright red ribbon around one of the beasts. Whine.
" Now, my hair is all ready for action. I know I look maddeningly sexy, 'cause that's what I see when I look into the mirror." Alucard picks up a mirror and preens.
"I know you're lying." Walter's voice is heard.
" Yeah, yeah. I really can't see my reflection at all."
__________{End Take Three}__________*clack*
"Okay. I know I shouldn't have said that."