I'm on quite the roll with this fic. ^_^ For some reason spending time with
my Aunt Fran just put me in the mood for Hellsing. . . . .perhaps it's the
constant degrading I receive, or perhaps it's because I'd like to have
Father Anderson have his way with her.
So here's what I learned about myself today: I'm too fat, but I should eat more because it's disrespectful to not eat a meal prepared for you, even if I'm seriously full. I'm gay because I don't have a boyfriend right now, even though last year at this time I did have a boyfriend. I'll never amount to anything because I'm 21 and have two more years of college ahead of me. I'm a loser because I know about computers, but I should teach her how to use excel and the Internet. I watch too many cartoons. And I have weird taste in TV and music because I watched King of the Hill followed by Blast. (If you get a chance to see Blast live, do it. They're bloody amazing)
I'm just thankful that most of my family has either been disowned (dad) or lives in Europe still (mom). I couldn't deal with more than what I have to deal with already.
Review if you read. And I apologize for the grammatical errors in version 1 of chapter 28. I fixed them and reposted the chapter, but it's still basically the same. It's just an example of why writing between midnight and whenever I fall asleep is a bad idea.
~*~*~*~*~
December 21, London
My beloved journal. . . .one day you will be part of the vast collection of Hellsing memorabilia that lines the library shelves of the London manor house, and my ancestors will both laugh and be shamed at the bastardization of our bloodlines that will come through me. More importantly, they will read of the trials of the mind and spirit that I am enduring and understand my guilt and despair of being a non-human leading ordained forces that destroy non-humans, and will hopefully praise me for my resolve to continue with my studies and my duty.
Seras has been the only being in this house that I can speak to without feeling as if I am on trial for crimes against the family. She always appears in my room at just the right moments, knowing when I want to talk to someone about my problems, and also knowing when it would be best to stay far away from me, as I cannot control my rage or tears anymore. It is damned pathetic to see how the downward spiral of emotion has dragged me to this hollow, extremely fragile person from one with an iron will and resolve in about a month's time.
Even though I cannot hear the screaming that is coming from Father's office currently, Argetni has purposely reopened the connection between us, and I can hear every word spoken with pure hatred passed between the two. Father is correct though- none of this would have happened if Argetni would not have been so reckless with her love affairs in her youth, leaving her in charge of the Organization still. He could have never returned to this dreary island and lived his life as a Theologian on the Continent as he had planned, but most importantly, I would have never been born.
I never thought it would hurt so incredibly much to hear someone speak such words, but every time one of those two complains about how unworthy I am of the title of the leader of the Hellsing Organization, I am blinded with hatred and rage. My own mother and father do not wish for me to be alive, so what is the point of my carrying on with this mundane existence?
That answer is simple. I must prove to them all that I am capable of undertaking the duties of my name and of the traditions associated with the name.
But each time I have the want to take my books to Father so he can teach me more about this lifestyle, I will overhear Lillith, Walter, of Anika speaking outside my door, wondering if I will be alright and if I am sane enough to lead the Organization, because now that I have proven how unstable I am, Anika wishes to lead in my place.
Anika! Anyone who would trust Anika with any sort of responsibility is a damned fool, for my sister will never be able to command any respect or authority over the Vatican and the Round Table members.
This is why I must be harsh with the lot of them, as they are acting like I am still a child; speaking to me as if I do not understand what they say or as if I am nowhere near their conversation. I do think Walter is becoming more and more afraid of my verbal lashings, but the old fool deserves it just as much as does Lillith and my sister.
Seras has promised to help smuggle me out of the manor house to take me to some of the pubs she frequented before she was turned, and some that she finds wonderful to this day. We are going to find a man for me, and hopefully then I will be able to have human companionship. I think it is a lovely gesture that my vampire is trying to do for me, but I doubt any of the men around London will be interested in a girl like me.
She even saved the outfit that I was wearing when I was captured in America so that I could wear it when we go out, because she thinks I look positively smashing in it, even better than Argetni could in such clothing.
I do not know how, because Argenti has the power to make herself appear more beautiful than she actually is, but perhaps that power only works on males.
This shall be a fun holiday from the volatile atmosphere of this house.
Devries
So here's what I learned about myself today: I'm too fat, but I should eat more because it's disrespectful to not eat a meal prepared for you, even if I'm seriously full. I'm gay because I don't have a boyfriend right now, even though last year at this time I did have a boyfriend. I'll never amount to anything because I'm 21 and have two more years of college ahead of me. I'm a loser because I know about computers, but I should teach her how to use excel and the Internet. I watch too many cartoons. And I have weird taste in TV and music because I watched King of the Hill followed by Blast. (If you get a chance to see Blast live, do it. They're bloody amazing)
I'm just thankful that most of my family has either been disowned (dad) or lives in Europe still (mom). I couldn't deal with more than what I have to deal with already.
Review if you read. And I apologize for the grammatical errors in version 1 of chapter 28. I fixed them and reposted the chapter, but it's still basically the same. It's just an example of why writing between midnight and whenever I fall asleep is a bad idea.
~*~*~*~*~
December 21, London
My beloved journal. . . .one day you will be part of the vast collection of Hellsing memorabilia that lines the library shelves of the London manor house, and my ancestors will both laugh and be shamed at the bastardization of our bloodlines that will come through me. More importantly, they will read of the trials of the mind and spirit that I am enduring and understand my guilt and despair of being a non-human leading ordained forces that destroy non-humans, and will hopefully praise me for my resolve to continue with my studies and my duty.
Seras has been the only being in this house that I can speak to without feeling as if I am on trial for crimes against the family. She always appears in my room at just the right moments, knowing when I want to talk to someone about my problems, and also knowing when it would be best to stay far away from me, as I cannot control my rage or tears anymore. It is damned pathetic to see how the downward spiral of emotion has dragged me to this hollow, extremely fragile person from one with an iron will and resolve in about a month's time.
Even though I cannot hear the screaming that is coming from Father's office currently, Argetni has purposely reopened the connection between us, and I can hear every word spoken with pure hatred passed between the two. Father is correct though- none of this would have happened if Argetni would not have been so reckless with her love affairs in her youth, leaving her in charge of the Organization still. He could have never returned to this dreary island and lived his life as a Theologian on the Continent as he had planned, but most importantly, I would have never been born.
I never thought it would hurt so incredibly much to hear someone speak such words, but every time one of those two complains about how unworthy I am of the title of the leader of the Hellsing Organization, I am blinded with hatred and rage. My own mother and father do not wish for me to be alive, so what is the point of my carrying on with this mundane existence?
That answer is simple. I must prove to them all that I am capable of undertaking the duties of my name and of the traditions associated with the name.
But each time I have the want to take my books to Father so he can teach me more about this lifestyle, I will overhear Lillith, Walter, of Anika speaking outside my door, wondering if I will be alright and if I am sane enough to lead the Organization, because now that I have proven how unstable I am, Anika wishes to lead in my place.
Anika! Anyone who would trust Anika with any sort of responsibility is a damned fool, for my sister will never be able to command any respect or authority over the Vatican and the Round Table members.
This is why I must be harsh with the lot of them, as they are acting like I am still a child; speaking to me as if I do not understand what they say or as if I am nowhere near their conversation. I do think Walter is becoming more and more afraid of my verbal lashings, but the old fool deserves it just as much as does Lillith and my sister.
Seras has promised to help smuggle me out of the manor house to take me to some of the pubs she frequented before she was turned, and some that she finds wonderful to this day. We are going to find a man for me, and hopefully then I will be able to have human companionship. I think it is a lovely gesture that my vampire is trying to do for me, but I doubt any of the men around London will be interested in a girl like me.
She even saved the outfit that I was wearing when I was captured in America so that I could wear it when we go out, because she thinks I look positively smashing in it, even better than Argetni could in such clothing.
I do not know how, because Argenti has the power to make herself appear more beautiful than she actually is, but perhaps that power only works on males.
This shall be a fun holiday from the volatile atmosphere of this house.
Devries