Thank you yet again for reading Dishonor, my dear readers. I know this has
been a long journey, and that some things may still be unresolved, but I
must always leave room for sequels, even if I really don't want to write
said sequel at this point in time.
This is the final epilogue chapter- the finally archived suicide note of Devries Fairbrook van Hellsing.
Again, these last few chapters were inspired by "What It Is To Burn" by Finch. That's what the italicized lyrics in parenthesis are from.
And as always, I appreciate reviews.
Thank you for sticking with this fic. ^_^
~*~*~*~*~
December 17, South Russell, Ohio
Walter,
I finally decided that Lillith was able to bear reading Devries' last note, so now I am returning it to you and the Organization as an archived testament for any new additions to the Hellsing bloodline that Argetni decides to create in her boredom. Let them see what a former heir of Hellsing went through, one that was not forged in to a perfect apathetic being, so that they may understand the role life has cast their poor souls.
I do hope you are in good health, and Lillith sends her love. Have as happy of a Christmas as you can, and please send me any word of my Master if you are fortunate enough to hear from him.
Seras
December 30 (Released December 17 to Hellsing Archives via Walter C. Ddollneazz)
"The sky is beating above me, and I am blistered
I walk these signs of blasphemy every day."
Dearest Lillith, Seras, Walter, and Alucard,
Today I have decided that I cannot bear the shame of my actions nor live with the consequences of guilt that will plague me throughout the rest of my mortal life. I did not mean to kill Anika. I never wanted to see her die, no matter how annoying and childish I constantly told her she was when we were together.
She was just an innocent little girl. Something that I never was allowed to be.
I am not angry at any one of you for anything that has happened in my life, so please, do not feel that my death is revenge for what I was forced to become or for what I was born to be, but that I cannot bear the responsibility of being an inhuman monster in the world of sunlight and mortals.
Never have I had a feeling of belonging with any group, whether it was at school, riding club, or even the family. Sadly, I do believe this stems from the fact that I am neither human nor monster, and that I am basically an orphan, even though my parents are supposedly involved in my life.
I was truly possessed when I pulled the trigger to my gun that night, but a part of me honestly did want to harm Anika, though I only wished to hit her, nothing more. Maybe that is why I was able to be controlled by the vampire as Father had warned me about so many times before. Or perhaps I am just not as strong as everyone believes, and I just proved another of my weaknesses that night. Those weaknesses make me incapable of leading Hellsing to a new age of glory.
Perhaps I could have dealt with Anika's death with time, but to witness the ungodly horrors that plagued that fateful night, I will never be normal again, no matter how much counseling I have. Watching Argetni hold that gun to my father's head, the gun he presented me just a few days before, and use it to splatter his brain against the wall has caused too much pain, a pain I am certain will always linger in the depths of my soul.
I cannot deal with pain any longer.
Lillith, Mother, I beg you to take control of the Organization due to your ties to the honorable Hellsing family through your marriage to my father. Do not allow Argetni to take what she wants from all of you once again, for you know her rule will be dictatorial, and that you will be forced to move from beloved Europe to some other continent where Hellsing can hold no restrictions on your life. And yet I know that if Argenti has control of the Organization, you will be kept silent for fear of the authorities and Royal Family discovering what she truly is, a hideous inhuman monster. I fear that my death will hurt you the most of all the surviving members of the Organization, but I know you are strong Lillith. You ran the Organization while Father just signed the necessary paperwork and made his appearances at the Round Table Conferences, so why should you not receive the title, glory, and honor that you rightfully deserve because some damned she-freak believes that she is more deserving of the honor? The matter is laughable, really.
Keep the treaty between the Vatican and our blessed Organization in tact, for they are far more powerful than Argetni believes. Father Anderson is just one of many regenerators in their keep, and though he is considered the most fierce and brutal of the lot, other regenerators are now populating the lower ranks of Iscariot and Crossfire. I fear that a severing of ties between the two European entities will harm not only the troops involved in the specific spats that will arise between us, but also will harm the rest of the world because the inhuman population will run rampant while the territorial war games will rage between the Catholics and Protestants.
Just think of Ireland or the Middle East and how their religious spats influenced the world at large, and then you will reconsider breaking the treaty.
As the current leader of the Hellsing Organization, I decree that if I am to die or become incapacitated and unable to perform my duty by any means, Lillith Edwards-van Hellsing, the wife of the late Sir Harker Miles van Hellsing, is the one true heir of the Hellsing Organization and is to be knighted by the King or Queen of England in order to assume her position in the Royal Order of Protestant Knights.
Seras, please, stay with Lillith and serve her as if she were truly of the bloodline. You were always the kindly stranger during my childhood, and the most matronly figure I had during my adolescence and teenage years. Please Lillith, do not take this as an insult, but you were more concerned with running Hellsing and watching over Anika, which is quite an extraordinary feat to do both, and do both well. Seras, help Lillith gain control of the Organization so that Argetni does not even have a chance at stealing the leadership.
Walter, you were the only grandparent I ever adored, did you know that? Probably not, since I was never any good at expressing human emotion, especially if I had to speak of love. Oma Hellsing and Grandmother Wingates were never as kind to me as you were, and you never once played favorites with Anika and me like they did. I cannot blame you for being such a remarkable weapon-smith, nor can I blame you for following Father's orders to make such a monstrosity for me to wield, but I am truly honored to be using one of your creations to end my pathetic existence in this mortal realm. I also wish to apologize for being so terribly rude to you over this past month. My behavior was uncalled for, and I do hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for my sins. A man as nice as yourself does not deserve to be treated as I treated you.
Finally, Alucard. I have no idea as to what you mean to me even after spending so much time in your presence as you, Seras, and Argenti schooled me in the art of hunting inhuman creatures. You honed my regeneration skills to the point of near perfection, and you can take those skills from me, or so I believe. Drink my blood Alucard; your master Hellsing commands it. Bleed me dry, take the curse of the regenerator from me, and be free of the bondage that my ancestors placed upon your soul. I have read the works of the family members that tried so hard to contain you, and I know that upon feasting on all the blood of the Hellsing master, the Control Art Restrictions will be in your power, and you can control your own destiny yet again.
I do hope you enjoy the gift I am offering you Alucard, and I also hope that you will never cease your torture of Argetni, your vile fledgling who has created this entire debacle of her own free will, just to make certain that she can lead the Organization through me.
DO NOT LET ARGETNI LEAD THE HELLSING ORGANIZATION EVER AGAIN.
I do love all of you with all of my heart, even though I may never have shown this love to you while I was alive. Please, allow me the eternal and everlasting peace that comes with the finality of death.
Until we meet again in Hell, dear family.
Devries Fairbrook van Hellsing
This is the final epilogue chapter- the finally archived suicide note of Devries Fairbrook van Hellsing.
Again, these last few chapters were inspired by "What It Is To Burn" by Finch. That's what the italicized lyrics in parenthesis are from.
And as always, I appreciate reviews.
Thank you for sticking with this fic. ^_^
~*~*~*~*~
December 17, South Russell, Ohio
Walter,
I finally decided that Lillith was able to bear reading Devries' last note, so now I am returning it to you and the Organization as an archived testament for any new additions to the Hellsing bloodline that Argetni decides to create in her boredom. Let them see what a former heir of Hellsing went through, one that was not forged in to a perfect apathetic being, so that they may understand the role life has cast their poor souls.
I do hope you are in good health, and Lillith sends her love. Have as happy of a Christmas as you can, and please send me any word of my Master if you are fortunate enough to hear from him.
Seras
December 30 (Released December 17 to Hellsing Archives via Walter C. Ddollneazz)
"The sky is beating above me, and I am blistered
I walk these signs of blasphemy every day."
Dearest Lillith, Seras, Walter, and Alucard,
Today I have decided that I cannot bear the shame of my actions nor live with the consequences of guilt that will plague me throughout the rest of my mortal life. I did not mean to kill Anika. I never wanted to see her die, no matter how annoying and childish I constantly told her she was when we were together.
She was just an innocent little girl. Something that I never was allowed to be.
I am not angry at any one of you for anything that has happened in my life, so please, do not feel that my death is revenge for what I was forced to become or for what I was born to be, but that I cannot bear the responsibility of being an inhuman monster in the world of sunlight and mortals.
Never have I had a feeling of belonging with any group, whether it was at school, riding club, or even the family. Sadly, I do believe this stems from the fact that I am neither human nor monster, and that I am basically an orphan, even though my parents are supposedly involved in my life.
I was truly possessed when I pulled the trigger to my gun that night, but a part of me honestly did want to harm Anika, though I only wished to hit her, nothing more. Maybe that is why I was able to be controlled by the vampire as Father had warned me about so many times before. Or perhaps I am just not as strong as everyone believes, and I just proved another of my weaknesses that night. Those weaknesses make me incapable of leading Hellsing to a new age of glory.
Perhaps I could have dealt with Anika's death with time, but to witness the ungodly horrors that plagued that fateful night, I will never be normal again, no matter how much counseling I have. Watching Argetni hold that gun to my father's head, the gun he presented me just a few days before, and use it to splatter his brain against the wall has caused too much pain, a pain I am certain will always linger in the depths of my soul.
I cannot deal with pain any longer.
Lillith, Mother, I beg you to take control of the Organization due to your ties to the honorable Hellsing family through your marriage to my father. Do not allow Argetni to take what she wants from all of you once again, for you know her rule will be dictatorial, and that you will be forced to move from beloved Europe to some other continent where Hellsing can hold no restrictions on your life. And yet I know that if Argenti has control of the Organization, you will be kept silent for fear of the authorities and Royal Family discovering what she truly is, a hideous inhuman monster. I fear that my death will hurt you the most of all the surviving members of the Organization, but I know you are strong Lillith. You ran the Organization while Father just signed the necessary paperwork and made his appearances at the Round Table Conferences, so why should you not receive the title, glory, and honor that you rightfully deserve because some damned she-freak believes that she is more deserving of the honor? The matter is laughable, really.
Keep the treaty between the Vatican and our blessed Organization in tact, for they are far more powerful than Argetni believes. Father Anderson is just one of many regenerators in their keep, and though he is considered the most fierce and brutal of the lot, other regenerators are now populating the lower ranks of Iscariot and Crossfire. I fear that a severing of ties between the two European entities will harm not only the troops involved in the specific spats that will arise between us, but also will harm the rest of the world because the inhuman population will run rampant while the territorial war games will rage between the Catholics and Protestants.
Just think of Ireland or the Middle East and how their religious spats influenced the world at large, and then you will reconsider breaking the treaty.
As the current leader of the Hellsing Organization, I decree that if I am to die or become incapacitated and unable to perform my duty by any means, Lillith Edwards-van Hellsing, the wife of the late Sir Harker Miles van Hellsing, is the one true heir of the Hellsing Organization and is to be knighted by the King or Queen of England in order to assume her position in the Royal Order of Protestant Knights.
Seras, please, stay with Lillith and serve her as if she were truly of the bloodline. You were always the kindly stranger during my childhood, and the most matronly figure I had during my adolescence and teenage years. Please Lillith, do not take this as an insult, but you were more concerned with running Hellsing and watching over Anika, which is quite an extraordinary feat to do both, and do both well. Seras, help Lillith gain control of the Organization so that Argetni does not even have a chance at stealing the leadership.
Walter, you were the only grandparent I ever adored, did you know that? Probably not, since I was never any good at expressing human emotion, especially if I had to speak of love. Oma Hellsing and Grandmother Wingates were never as kind to me as you were, and you never once played favorites with Anika and me like they did. I cannot blame you for being such a remarkable weapon-smith, nor can I blame you for following Father's orders to make such a monstrosity for me to wield, but I am truly honored to be using one of your creations to end my pathetic existence in this mortal realm. I also wish to apologize for being so terribly rude to you over this past month. My behavior was uncalled for, and I do hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for my sins. A man as nice as yourself does not deserve to be treated as I treated you.
Finally, Alucard. I have no idea as to what you mean to me even after spending so much time in your presence as you, Seras, and Argenti schooled me in the art of hunting inhuman creatures. You honed my regeneration skills to the point of near perfection, and you can take those skills from me, or so I believe. Drink my blood Alucard; your master Hellsing commands it. Bleed me dry, take the curse of the regenerator from me, and be free of the bondage that my ancestors placed upon your soul. I have read the works of the family members that tried so hard to contain you, and I know that upon feasting on all the blood of the Hellsing master, the Control Art Restrictions will be in your power, and you can control your own destiny yet again.
I do hope you enjoy the gift I am offering you Alucard, and I also hope that you will never cease your torture of Argetni, your vile fledgling who has created this entire debacle of her own free will, just to make certain that she can lead the Organization through me.
DO NOT LET ARGETNI LEAD THE HELLSING ORGANIZATION EVER AGAIN.
I do love all of you with all of my heart, even though I may never have shown this love to you while I was alive. Please, allow me the eternal and everlasting peace that comes with the finality of death.
Until we meet again in Hell, dear family.
Devries Fairbrook van Hellsing