No Need For Words

You would think that a moment of quiet serenity would bring peace to a turbulent heart, would you not? And you would think that sitting upon the soft leather cushioning in Croe's comfortable if not modest establishment, watching the peaceful dance of the flames in the fireplace would feel homely, would you not? You would. You're a normal chap. Your home was not a prison, ruled by a dictator clad in an iron mask. Your mother did not abandon you, nor did your Uncle...if Warsman could really be called as such.

You had a home to compare this feeling to.

Human beings, despite their want to be social creatures, are fundamentally and ultimately alone.

This type of domestic atmosphere only serves to remind me of just how alone I really am. During my country long rides and moments in the limelight, I can forget the painful reality of life as simply as casting aside an unwanted object. But in the silence and tranquility such as this, my mind disobediently begins to wander...

Back in the days of the DmP, when I would get into this mindset Eskara would come in and we'd...

When I was just a boy, I had been told that sex was a marvelous thing. Something along the lines of sharing your soul or making love or such rot. It was lies, all of it. There is nothing beautiful or sacred about sex. Eskara and I merely took what we wanted from each other, as much of it as our strength and physical prowess would allow. Yet...no matter how much I took, as we would lay there panting and covered in sweat, I was always soon realize that I still had absolutely nothing. My loneliness was only amplified, as if somehow during the procedure in trying to fill the hole in my soul I have only succeeded to enlarge it. I don't know what had compelled me to repeat the painful process with an almost masochistic vigor. Perhaps it was the hope that in some way I would find what it is I was looking for in Eskara. I never did.

He saved my life with the price that I would reveal my father's secret of the Kinnikubuster to him. I did, and sometimes I wish I had died instead.

When I left him shortly afterward, the others had tried to console me, as if the disbandment of our relationship was expected to leave me as a mere shadow of my former self. I was not distraught. I did not love him, I don't think I would know even if I did.

I feel Croe's presence nearing, even as I stared unblinking into the flames. Seeing motion in the corner of my eye, I turn my gaze to see my coach crouch down before me. There is a concerned, questioning gaze in his cobalt eyes. Perhaps my desolation was visible on my visage, as I was not plagued by any means of physical illness from which he would derive his worry. I'm not sure how even that could be, as my facial features and expression were hidden behind my famous family heirloom. Nevertheless, I don't answer his silent inquiries. I didn't want him to leave...yet at the same time, I didn't know what I wanted. It is an entirely different world with Croe than it had been with Eskara. I feel a certain sense of safety with him, as if there was nothing in the world I could do that would make him leave. After abandonment at the hands of my mother and uncle, this kind of security is one that brings me immeasurable comfort. He and I have never had sex, and the mere thought of it disgusts me for reasons I can't understand. My coach is certainly not unattractive, and there are no moral boundaries that I care about enough to allow for any influence. Perhaps it is because Eskara and I had a silent alliance of mutual need. We would simply take what we wanted from each other without a care or second thought. I don't want to take anything from Croe. I never want to do anything like that to him.

For the longest time he just stares into my eyes, as if searching for something. I do not know what, and under his relentless gaze I grow uneasy. Finally, he gets up from his place on the floor and sits next to me on the couch. I look back to the fire.

Suddenly, to my surprise I feel a hand on my back and my gaze returns to my coach. Wordlessly, he leans forward and wraps his arms around my upper torso. I stiffen in his grasp, what in the world was he doing? If he was trying to initiate sex, he's going to be in for disappointment. Even in my lonesome mental state, I was too tired and sore from my day of intense overexertion. Yet...to my astonishment he did not even attempt to pursue any form of sexual activity. Instead he merely sat with his arms around me, looking into the fire that had recently held my attention.

Although I could not understand the meaning behind such a intimate motion, I must admit it felt...nice. For the moment, my desolation had eased and I could even feel my head lean back until the back of it barely touched his shoulder, my hand raising up to rest on his. In response, I felt his hold tighten just faintly and his covered cheek pressed lightly against mine.

I do not know what he expects, nor wants, from me. What I do know is that Croe is the only person, man or woman, to stay by my side for so long and through so much. Throughout my matches and tournaments and travels and self-destructive training... For a long time I wanted to tell him how much I appreciated him, and how much his companionship really did mean to me. I never could. I can't seem to vocalize such things. In some ways I am still just like my father.

Yet...in this oddly intimate motion, the only sounds emitting from the soft cackle of the burning firewood, I came to the revelation that there was, indeed, no need for words. Loud declarations of love and loyalty were only empty words that held broken promises. It was the quiet things, the...moments like this that truly clarify the presumption of genuine fondness.

As we silently watched the flames slowly diminish into lightly glowing embers, I suddenly came to the realization that although both of us had just given something into this moment...I felt as if I had lost nothing at all.

Author's Note: I'm not sure if that last sentence sends the correct message I had intended. It is meant to show the greatest difference between Kevin's relationship with Eskara and his relationship with Croe. With Eskara, both parties took what they wanted and yet ended up with nothing (or at least Kevin ended up with nothing). With Croe, both parties gave something and ended up losing nothing, both coming out with the sense of fulfillment that Kevin looked for in Eskara. And all that jazz. XD Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this little ficlet.

Heh, if the bug bites me I may pull a MsKinnikufan and add a chapter with Croe's POV on the matter. XD