I Know
It's all a matter of perception. How you see the world, how blind you are,
how worthy you think you are, how you interpret things. I speak from
experience, for never in my lifetime would I have guessed what his actions
meant. It is hard to understand what is written between the lines, but it's
even harder when those lines are written by the ones you love. You lose
perspective. You become blind. Especially if you think you're not good
enough, if you underestimate yourself. Sometimes what everybody wants is so
simple it's hard to believe, much less to understand it.
Brian was never one to be easily read. Even for me, his best friend in the
whole world, it was difficult. He would show how he feels but in such a way
you'd think it was impossible that he meant that, when he did mean exactly
what he'd done. Brian was crystal clear, for those with the proper glasses.
I was never one to wear those glasses. Not when his feelings towards me
were concerned. Those glasses were permanently fogged by my low self-
esteem. I never thought he could have any feelings for me other than those
of a friend. I knew he loved me. He always had loved me and I trusted he
always would. He'd do anything for me... except what I most wanted him to
do: love me as a man, not only a friend.
So there I was, a blind man taking endless detours to get to my destiny.
Trying desperately to kill the suffocating love I had for him. The lust
that drove me insane so many times, with all the kissing, all the
touching... they taunted me, but I craved them, even when I was with those
who deviated me from him.
Brian has always been jealous of me, possessive. He tried to ruin each and
every relationship I could possibly have. Those who dared to hit on me in
front of him; David and even Ben. Actually, Ben was a different story. He
knew better than to act like David had done. Ben neither fought him nor
gave up on me and slowly Brian stepped back. Somehow he respected Ben,
however that didn't stop Brian from trying. Especially after Justin left
him. He was there 24/7, in my place, at Red Cape, in the diner. Over
attentive, over touchy, over kissy, like I didn't have a boyfriend at all.
And Ben was over patient, I have to admit...
That kiss we shared at Babylon... Sure I was dazed, drugged, drunk, but
those were not reason enough to make me forget it. Brian kissed me with
abandon, that time. It wasn't the first but it felt like it. I felt his
tongue immediately inside my mouth. I was surprised, but soon I gave in. It
was a wonderful feeling. I still don't know how we managed to kiss each
other all night long and not end up in the backroom. It was THE greatest
torture for me. But I guess he would never do that to me in the backroom. I
could never be just a fuck to him, and it worked both ways.
Funny how we had everything a couple had. We could read each other's mind
most of the time. We would exchange a look and instantly know what the
other would do or say. We would dance, kiss, touch, talk for hours, have
the greatest time together... If we weren't a couple, then I don't know who
else was. He even used to say we'd grow old together and retire to Palm
Springs, like a couple of old fags. I never understood that either. There
was a time I even thought he wanted me to stay forever under his spell,
always lingering in the doorway, always watching him fuck everybody else
but me.
Nobody understood. I didn't understand. But I couldn't not be around him. I
didn't want to. I needed him, just like I knew he needed me, only in a
different way. Yeah, just like crystal, Brian was my crystal. He was
embedded in my veins. He made my blood run fast. And he also made my veins
clog. But I needed him, I was happy with him. He knew me like no other. He
hurt me like no other. He defended me from everything. He protected me from
what I wanted. Him.
I wanted him badly. But I wanted so much more than his gorgeous body. I
wanted his soul. I knew I already had his heart. Deep inside, I guess I
always knew. Even if I pushed him to say it and teased him with all the
Justin bullshit, I knew he loved me. Though there was a time he got me
confused and I thought he loved Justin. Well, he did love Justin, but not
like he loved me.
And then, when I thought I had lost him for good, he came up with that
blatant love declaration. Never in my life had I heard such beautiful
words. They were so simple and yet so profound. Later on, when I thought
about them, I was shocked by what they could have meant. But at the time, I
was somewhere between amazed and pissed, and in my disbelief I could only
mumble 'bullshit'. But they weren't bullshit. Brian didn't lie, only to
himself. And most certainly not to me.
I know those words should have made me happy, however they ended up
crushing me. They were the epitome of my curse: to be loved, but to be kept
at arm's length. He loved me. Brian Kinney loved me. Me and only me.
Forever. Wherever he'd be and, unfortunately, whomever he might be with.
Anyone but me. A platonic love it was, he had said so himself. And he
wanted it to remain like that, I had thought, at that time... until
today...
I parked in front of Brian's new building. He had sold the loft and now had
rented this much smaller place. But I bet it was classy, Brian had always
had excellent taste and a thing for decoration, and clothes, and
cosmetics... A real GAY man... or like every straight woman. I shook my
head at that thought, laughing my nervousness away, as I walked into the
building.
He had given me the address the same day I came back with Hunter to the
Pitts, when all the gang and family decided to drop by. I remember he
pulled me to a corner, away from all possible eyesight - when everybody had
already stuffed themselves with Ma's lasagna - and gave me a long hug, a
bear hug, he almost broke me in two. Then he let go of me, leaned his
forehead to mine and breathed out he had missed me. He had tears in his
eyes and it didn't take much for mine to mirror his. I said something like
'you too' and then he blurted...
'You are never to go away that long, where I can't see you, and in such
circumstances like that, you hear me, Michael?'
By that point, he was dead serious and he was grabbing the base of my neck.
'I love you, too, Brian' I'd said, smiling... And he'd kissed me. It didn't take more than a few seconds. I felt his tongue very gently touching my lips, but when I opened my mouth to him, he pulled back. 'People must be asking for us' he had said. 'Yeah, like you give a shit' I'd replied. It was Ben. Not that Brian really cared for him; he was worried about putting me in a situation with Ben. Ben. Now that was something else I didn't want to think about. At least not now, not with what I was here for. He would eventually come up in the conversation, but not now. Now it was about Brian. and I. I looked at my watch before ringing the doorbell. Midnight. Creepy. The most mysterious of the hours. The turn of the days, a moment lost in space and time, where everything could happen. I hoped so. I rang the doorbell. It didn't take much for Brian to open the door, and God, did he look beautiful! His sleepy face and bed head never looked sexier. 'Mikey?' He asked, rubbing his eye, a bit confused. I don't know what happened to me but I simply grabbed him by his neck and pulled him into a kiss. At first he was surprised and didn't quite know what to do. But of course we're talking Brian Kinney here, and within seconds I heard a tiny, almost imperceptible moan as he gave in to the kiss, as he gave in to me. His arms wrapped around my waist and he tightened the embrace even more, diving into my mouth with such hunger! Hunger of years of starvation, years of craving, interrupted beginnings and never-ending desire. All of them equally well known to me. He plastered me on the door, closing it with a loud thud, never breaking the kiss. I felt his thigh press against my groin, parting my legs and making me ride him. He cupped my ass and practically lifted me from the floor. I didn't know where my tongue began and his ended. I was nearly suffocating. I clung to his hair in agony, desperate for more, more, more of him, more contact, more of his skin - though he wore only a pair of sweatpants and I was the one fully clothed. I wanted to rip off my clothes, but the sensations of his mouth on mine and his hands on my body were so overwhelming, I wouldn't dare to move. It was way too perfect. I had never been kissed like that before. Not even the previous kisses we'd shared, they were nothing compared to this one. I was still grinding on him when I felt my legs suddenly drop to the floor. Then Brian's hands were on my chest as he was trying to break free from my arms, from my lips. 'Mik.' I was not going to give up that easily and he moaned again when I gently bit his lower lip. 'No.' He begged. 'Stop. Mikey. Please. Stop it!' Now he had managed to keep me literally at arm's length, with his arm's pressing against my chest, putting space between us. He was gasping for air, his face was flushed, his lips were swollen. I wasn't much different. He kept on looking at me until we both could speak again. God, what I saw in those eyes! He was so. confused. 'What are you doing?' He whispered, his chest still heaving. 'I know' was all I could think of saying. I wanted to be more eloquent but my brain was giving me a hard time. 'What, Mikey?' his voice was so soft, almost as if he were afraid of asking. 'I finally understood, Brian.' He stared at me, not wanting to believe what those words put together might imply. His lips slightly parted in wonder; I could almost see his brain working, as realization sank into his mind. For a second, those big hazel eyes lit up in a way that was all new to me. Would that be. happiness? However, he slid back his Brian Kinney mask so fast I began to doubt what I had seen. 'And just what the fuck are you talking about?' 'I'm here, Brian, for you. I came to stay. Only now I realized it was all there, in front of me, and I couldn't see. I couldn't see what you were telling me. I couldn't understand your actions, but now I do. Now it's all clear. I should have given you more credit. I should have known you don't do lip service, that you don't say what you don't feel, especially to me, especially about me. But it was too good to be true, wasn't it? You know that, don't you? How could you, Brian Kinney, king of Liberty Avenue feel that way about your best friend? Me, of all people. I just wish you had made me see. But I guess I needed that time. Though it was a hell of a long time. But I know now, Brian. And I'm here because I want to tell you I'm ready. There's nowhere else I'd like to be more than here. No other arms I'd like around me more than yours. There are no lips I want more on mine than yours. There's no love I want more than yours. There's no love purer than ours.' He closed his eyes at my last sentence. 'What do you want from me, Michael?' I could barely hear him when he spoke. 'I want you, Brian. Body and soul, heart and mind, and all the rest you can give me. Look at me' I said to him, taking his chin in my hand. He opened his eyes and stared at me for a while. 'Goddamn it, Michael, what took you so long?' Then he was all over me again. Lips, tongue, hands, arms... He crushed his body against mine, put both my legs around his waist and carried me to what I presumed was his room. Next thing I knew he had knelt on the mattress, with me on his lap, and he was desperately trying to get rid of my clothes, ripping fabric and scratching my skin. He threw me on the bed and went for my pants, unzipping them in a flash. I wanted to lift my body so that I could undress him, but Brian was faster than that. He walked naked and confident to the bedside table. I knew what he was doing. It wouldn't take long for us to finally see our dreams coming true. But somehow, the insecure me was afraid. I knew there would be no turning back. Whatever happened after that, one thing was clear: there was no way I could ever live without Brian anymore. Even if it didn't work out, I had no idea what I would do if I ever had to leave without him by my side again. I guess he must have heard my thoughts, or maybe he saw it in my eyes, because when he went back to bed, he pierced me with those hazel eyes. He wanted to know. Hell, he already knew it! It was there, in his eyes, he knew what I was thinking. I felt a mix of relief and shame. Relief that I didn't have to voice out my fears and shame for we hadn't even started and I was already afraid. He reached for my face and caressed my cheek with his knuckles. 'I am too, Mikey' I heard his quivering voice. 'I'm fucking terrified. But we can't back down now. Even if we fuck things up, I can't stand being close to you and not having you. I'm willing to risk everything to put an end to this torture. It's been consuming me... I'm tired of fighting against it. I don't have the strength to do that anymore. Especially now, that you're finally here. I'm giving in.' I cupped his face and brought it next to mine, placing a tender kiss to those lips I adored. 'Make love to me, Brian.' I felt his body stiffen. He looked at me, wide-eyed. He shook his head and then leaned it on mine. 'I can't, Mikey, I don't know how.' Oh, Jesus! I felt tears threaten to spill out of my eyes. Life with Brian Kinney would be heart-wrenching, for all the best reasons! I always knew he was a romantic at heart. 'Of course you do, Bri.' I touched his chest, where his heart was beating so fast. 'It's all in here. It's all in you. Do it with your heart.' ~~~~~~~~ I was right. He knew it. How could he not? That night... what we did... it was beyond whatever I had already experienced. It wasn't the lust only, it was love. It was there in his eyes, in his body, in his hands, the way he held me, the way he kissed me. No need for words. Actually, I didn't even want to hear them. The silence around us was so eloquent it was deafening. Slowly and tenderly we gave ourselves to each other, forming a bond that was almost tangible, an invisible shield that I hoped could protect our love even from ourselves. That night, I saw a Brian that reminded me of the one who would come to my bedroom broken and beaten many a night, when we were younger. A Brian with no masks, a scared little boy, fragile in my arms, surprised and in awe that someone in this world could care about him. Surprised that he could actually be loved. That *I* could love him with all my heart, for what he was, for his flaws, for his qualities. The mask slid away for good, at least for me, that night. I never saw it back again, not to me, not when I looked into his eyes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ He's in my arms now. I love when he's like that, relaxed and at ease. I'm in his bed and he's sitting between my legs. He's leaning on my chest and his head is thrown back on my shoulder. He can see me that way. He likes to look at me and I'm almost self-conscious 'cause I know I can't wipe this silly grin off my face. He's got a small smile too, and he's scrutinizing my face. If it were a few months ago I'd have been pissed, thinking he'd be searching for an opportunity to make fun of me, or call me pathetic. Tonight, however, I know better... So I let him do what he wants. I know what he's doing; he's absorbing reality, this new reality, our new reality. There will be no more re-runs in our show, only new episodes. 'Why are you here, Mikey?' he brushed away a stray lock of my hair. 'What made you come here? Why now?' I wrapped my arms around his chest, and he entwined our fingers. 'It's amazing what some time alone can do to you. When you're away from those you love, those who love you, you start seeing things differently. Nostalgia hits you face first and it can keep you awake many nights. You have a lot to think about, it's hard not to analyze your past, weigh your choices, and the things you didn't even allow yourself to choose, those you simply ignored, afraid of just imagining their consequences... Everything seemed different, like under a different light... I missed home, missed Mom, the guys, but most of all, I missed you badly. You were there with me every step of the way.' 'I know.' 'I'd fall asleep thinking of you...' He smiled at me and gave me a sweet kiss, and then. 'What about Ben?' There was no bullshit with Brian, if he wanted to know the truth, he'd ask you VERY straightforwardly. No apologies. If he asked, he could handle it. 'There was a time Ben was not enough anymore. I had been gone for more than I was expecting, I was feeling so lonely... Instead of thinking about him, I began to think about you. Sure I loved Ben, but I needed more... I needed you. And the more we talked to each other, the more I realized why I needed you so much: my love for you was no longer unrequited. You loved me just as much. You missed me the same - even if you had never told me while I was away. I could feel it by the tone of your voice, in the words you'd say to me, Bri. I began to read between the lines. There was no way Ben could ever compare to you. He gave me so much, he taught me a lot, he was good to me in so many ways. But he wasn't you. I guess I thought I could replace you in my heart with him. Deep inside, I always hoped we could be together some day; though I never admitted that to myself, to begin with. But I always expected you'd wake up one day. Until I realized I was the one who had to wake up. ' 'What triggered your mind?' 'Wherever I am, whomever I'm with, I'll always love you.' Boy, you should see his smile now! It's breathtaking. 'You've never said what you didn't feel, not to anyone, Brian. and especially not me. Why would you have said something like that, something that deep if that weren't how you felt? That wouldn't be you, Brian. I started thinking about tons of other stuff you had said, during the past year or so, what you had done, and suddenly it all made sense. There you were, my friend of a lifetime, the love of my life, showing through subtle actions that you loved me. And waiting patiently for me. Why didn't you just say it?' He turned to his side and wrapped his arms around my neck. 'How could I have done that if I didn't know you loved me until recently?' 'Couldn't you just imply from the years I had spent after you?' 'Weren't I trailing after you just as well?' He sighed and continued. 'All these years, I thought I was the fuck you could never have. And I would really never allow myself to touch you, if that was what you wanted, because even if that was what I meant for you, there was no way I could risk losing you just for a fuck. I could have tons of that with other man. You were different, Michael. You were my friend, my best friend, the person I loved most in my fucked up world. I could never risk losing you. I thought it was just lust and that it would eventually fade. Thank God I was wrong.' 'So wrong.' 'I'm sorry I couldn't see.' 'We're even here.' I felt his lips on mine once again. I could never get enough of that. 'And now, what will happen now, Mikey?' 'We'll live happily ever after, Brian.' He snorted. 'Really? And how am I supposed to live with your mess around?' Didn't I tell you he's just like a woman? 'Is that so? And how are you supposed to live without my ass around?' 'Ouch, Mikey! That was below the waist line!' He turned to face me, placing both his legs around my hips and pressing our crotches until he was on me. 'Oh, Kinney, shit! You're heavy!' 'Tsk, tsk, tsk! Novotny, what a sissy! Can't you even bear the weight of your man?' 'So you're my man, now?' 'Haven't I always been?' I nodded. 'And I always will be, Mikey.' Then, just when he was about to dive in for another kiss, he whispered. 'Now fuck me, 'cause I've been dying to have this perfectly shaped penis up my ass...' 'God, how I love your potty mouth, Brian!'
'I love you, too, Brian' I'd said, smiling... And he'd kissed me. It didn't take more than a few seconds. I felt his tongue very gently touching my lips, but when I opened my mouth to him, he pulled back. 'People must be asking for us' he had said. 'Yeah, like you give a shit' I'd replied. It was Ben. Not that Brian really cared for him; he was worried about putting me in a situation with Ben. Ben. Now that was something else I didn't want to think about. At least not now, not with what I was here for. He would eventually come up in the conversation, but not now. Now it was about Brian. and I. I looked at my watch before ringing the doorbell. Midnight. Creepy. The most mysterious of the hours. The turn of the days, a moment lost in space and time, where everything could happen. I hoped so. I rang the doorbell. It didn't take much for Brian to open the door, and God, did he look beautiful! His sleepy face and bed head never looked sexier. 'Mikey?' He asked, rubbing his eye, a bit confused. I don't know what happened to me but I simply grabbed him by his neck and pulled him into a kiss. At first he was surprised and didn't quite know what to do. But of course we're talking Brian Kinney here, and within seconds I heard a tiny, almost imperceptible moan as he gave in to the kiss, as he gave in to me. His arms wrapped around my waist and he tightened the embrace even more, diving into my mouth with such hunger! Hunger of years of starvation, years of craving, interrupted beginnings and never-ending desire. All of them equally well known to me. He plastered me on the door, closing it with a loud thud, never breaking the kiss. I felt his thigh press against my groin, parting my legs and making me ride him. He cupped my ass and practically lifted me from the floor. I didn't know where my tongue began and his ended. I was nearly suffocating. I clung to his hair in agony, desperate for more, more, more of him, more contact, more of his skin - though he wore only a pair of sweatpants and I was the one fully clothed. I wanted to rip off my clothes, but the sensations of his mouth on mine and his hands on my body were so overwhelming, I wouldn't dare to move. It was way too perfect. I had never been kissed like that before. Not even the previous kisses we'd shared, they were nothing compared to this one. I was still grinding on him when I felt my legs suddenly drop to the floor. Then Brian's hands were on my chest as he was trying to break free from my arms, from my lips. 'Mik.' I was not going to give up that easily and he moaned again when I gently bit his lower lip. 'No.' He begged. 'Stop. Mikey. Please. Stop it!' Now he had managed to keep me literally at arm's length, with his arm's pressing against my chest, putting space between us. He was gasping for air, his face was flushed, his lips were swollen. I wasn't much different. He kept on looking at me until we both could speak again. God, what I saw in those eyes! He was so. confused. 'What are you doing?' He whispered, his chest still heaving. 'I know' was all I could think of saying. I wanted to be more eloquent but my brain was giving me a hard time. 'What, Mikey?' his voice was so soft, almost as if he were afraid of asking. 'I finally understood, Brian.' He stared at me, not wanting to believe what those words put together might imply. His lips slightly parted in wonder; I could almost see his brain working, as realization sank into his mind. For a second, those big hazel eyes lit up in a way that was all new to me. Would that be. happiness? However, he slid back his Brian Kinney mask so fast I began to doubt what I had seen. 'And just what the fuck are you talking about?' 'I'm here, Brian, for you. I came to stay. Only now I realized it was all there, in front of me, and I couldn't see. I couldn't see what you were telling me. I couldn't understand your actions, but now I do. Now it's all clear. I should have given you more credit. I should have known you don't do lip service, that you don't say what you don't feel, especially to me, especially about me. But it was too good to be true, wasn't it? You know that, don't you? How could you, Brian Kinney, king of Liberty Avenue feel that way about your best friend? Me, of all people. I just wish you had made me see. But I guess I needed that time. Though it was a hell of a long time. But I know now, Brian. And I'm here because I want to tell you I'm ready. There's nowhere else I'd like to be more than here. No other arms I'd like around me more than yours. There are no lips I want more on mine than yours. There's no love I want more than yours. There's no love purer than ours.' He closed his eyes at my last sentence. 'What do you want from me, Michael?' I could barely hear him when he spoke. 'I want you, Brian. Body and soul, heart and mind, and all the rest you can give me. Look at me' I said to him, taking his chin in my hand. He opened his eyes and stared at me for a while. 'Goddamn it, Michael, what took you so long?' Then he was all over me again. Lips, tongue, hands, arms... He crushed his body against mine, put both my legs around his waist and carried me to what I presumed was his room. Next thing I knew he had knelt on the mattress, with me on his lap, and he was desperately trying to get rid of my clothes, ripping fabric and scratching my skin. He threw me on the bed and went for my pants, unzipping them in a flash. I wanted to lift my body so that I could undress him, but Brian was faster than that. He walked naked and confident to the bedside table. I knew what he was doing. It wouldn't take long for us to finally see our dreams coming true. But somehow, the insecure me was afraid. I knew there would be no turning back. Whatever happened after that, one thing was clear: there was no way I could ever live without Brian anymore. Even if it didn't work out, I had no idea what I would do if I ever had to leave without him by my side again. I guess he must have heard my thoughts, or maybe he saw it in my eyes, because when he went back to bed, he pierced me with those hazel eyes. He wanted to know. Hell, he already knew it! It was there, in his eyes, he knew what I was thinking. I felt a mix of relief and shame. Relief that I didn't have to voice out my fears and shame for we hadn't even started and I was already afraid. He reached for my face and caressed my cheek with his knuckles. 'I am too, Mikey' I heard his quivering voice. 'I'm fucking terrified. But we can't back down now. Even if we fuck things up, I can't stand being close to you and not having you. I'm willing to risk everything to put an end to this torture. It's been consuming me... I'm tired of fighting against it. I don't have the strength to do that anymore. Especially now, that you're finally here. I'm giving in.' I cupped his face and brought it next to mine, placing a tender kiss to those lips I adored. 'Make love to me, Brian.' I felt his body stiffen. He looked at me, wide-eyed. He shook his head and then leaned it on mine. 'I can't, Mikey, I don't know how.' Oh, Jesus! I felt tears threaten to spill out of my eyes. Life with Brian Kinney would be heart-wrenching, for all the best reasons! I always knew he was a romantic at heart. 'Of course you do, Bri.' I touched his chest, where his heart was beating so fast. 'It's all in here. It's all in you. Do it with your heart.' ~~~~~~~~ I was right. He knew it. How could he not? That night... what we did... it was beyond whatever I had already experienced. It wasn't the lust only, it was love. It was there in his eyes, in his body, in his hands, the way he held me, the way he kissed me. No need for words. Actually, I didn't even want to hear them. The silence around us was so eloquent it was deafening. Slowly and tenderly we gave ourselves to each other, forming a bond that was almost tangible, an invisible shield that I hoped could protect our love even from ourselves. That night, I saw a Brian that reminded me of the one who would come to my bedroom broken and beaten many a night, when we were younger. A Brian with no masks, a scared little boy, fragile in my arms, surprised and in awe that someone in this world could care about him. Surprised that he could actually be loved. That *I* could love him with all my heart, for what he was, for his flaws, for his qualities. The mask slid away for good, at least for me, that night. I never saw it back again, not to me, not when I looked into his eyes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ He's in my arms now. I love when he's like that, relaxed and at ease. I'm in his bed and he's sitting between my legs. He's leaning on my chest and his head is thrown back on my shoulder. He can see me that way. He likes to look at me and I'm almost self-conscious 'cause I know I can't wipe this silly grin off my face. He's got a small smile too, and he's scrutinizing my face. If it were a few months ago I'd have been pissed, thinking he'd be searching for an opportunity to make fun of me, or call me pathetic. Tonight, however, I know better... So I let him do what he wants. I know what he's doing; he's absorbing reality, this new reality, our new reality. There will be no more re-runs in our show, only new episodes. 'Why are you here, Mikey?' he brushed away a stray lock of my hair. 'What made you come here? Why now?' I wrapped my arms around his chest, and he entwined our fingers. 'It's amazing what some time alone can do to you. When you're away from those you love, those who love you, you start seeing things differently. Nostalgia hits you face first and it can keep you awake many nights. You have a lot to think about, it's hard not to analyze your past, weigh your choices, and the things you didn't even allow yourself to choose, those you simply ignored, afraid of just imagining their consequences... Everything seemed different, like under a different light... I missed home, missed Mom, the guys, but most of all, I missed you badly. You were there with me every step of the way.' 'I know.' 'I'd fall asleep thinking of you...' He smiled at me and gave me a sweet kiss, and then. 'What about Ben?' There was no bullshit with Brian, if he wanted to know the truth, he'd ask you VERY straightforwardly. No apologies. If he asked, he could handle it. 'There was a time Ben was not enough anymore. I had been gone for more than I was expecting, I was feeling so lonely... Instead of thinking about him, I began to think about you. Sure I loved Ben, but I needed more... I needed you. And the more we talked to each other, the more I realized why I needed you so much: my love for you was no longer unrequited. You loved me just as much. You missed me the same - even if you had never told me while I was away. I could feel it by the tone of your voice, in the words you'd say to me, Bri. I began to read between the lines. There was no way Ben could ever compare to you. He gave me so much, he taught me a lot, he was good to me in so many ways. But he wasn't you. I guess I thought I could replace you in my heart with him. Deep inside, I always hoped we could be together some day; though I never admitted that to myself, to begin with. But I always expected you'd wake up one day. Until I realized I was the one who had to wake up. ' 'What triggered your mind?' 'Wherever I am, whomever I'm with, I'll always love you.' Boy, you should see his smile now! It's breathtaking. 'You've never said what you didn't feel, not to anyone, Brian. and especially not me. Why would you have said something like that, something that deep if that weren't how you felt? That wouldn't be you, Brian. I started thinking about tons of other stuff you had said, during the past year or so, what you had done, and suddenly it all made sense. There you were, my friend of a lifetime, the love of my life, showing through subtle actions that you loved me. And waiting patiently for me. Why didn't you just say it?' He turned to his side and wrapped his arms around my neck. 'How could I have done that if I didn't know you loved me until recently?' 'Couldn't you just imply from the years I had spent after you?' 'Weren't I trailing after you just as well?' He sighed and continued. 'All these years, I thought I was the fuck you could never have. And I would really never allow myself to touch you, if that was what you wanted, because even if that was what I meant for you, there was no way I could risk losing you just for a fuck. I could have tons of that with other man. You were different, Michael. You were my friend, my best friend, the person I loved most in my fucked up world. I could never risk losing you. I thought it was just lust and that it would eventually fade. Thank God I was wrong.' 'So wrong.' 'I'm sorry I couldn't see.' 'We're even here.' I felt his lips on mine once again. I could never get enough of that. 'And now, what will happen now, Mikey?' 'We'll live happily ever after, Brian.' He snorted. 'Really? And how am I supposed to live with your mess around?' Didn't I tell you he's just like a woman? 'Is that so? And how are you supposed to live without my ass around?' 'Ouch, Mikey! That was below the waist line!' He turned to face me, placing both his legs around my hips and pressing our crotches until he was on me. 'Oh, Kinney, shit! You're heavy!' 'Tsk, tsk, tsk! Novotny, what a sissy! Can't you even bear the weight of your man?' 'So you're my man, now?' 'Haven't I always been?' I nodded. 'And I always will be, Mikey.' Then, just when he was about to dive in for another kiss, he whispered. 'Now fuck me, 'cause I've been dying to have this perfectly shaped penis up my ass...' 'God, how I love your potty mouth, Brian!'