I Do Too, Now He's back. He's finally back. He's been back for a few hours now. I can't believe how much I've missed him. I've missed him so badly I don't want to visit him, don't want to call him, don't want to see him. I don't know what I'll do when I see him. I want to kiss him, I want to hold him, I want to touch him. I want to lean my forehead to his. I want to feel his body next to mine. But I also want to slap him in the face, to howl at him, to shake him up until I make him see he can never do that to me again, leave me like this, alone, without his smile, without his light. Of course I didn't do any of the above, as much as I wanted to. Some ridiculous inner force kept me from obeying my reason, and pushed me towards him. Thus, before I realized, I was on my way to his apartment. Ben opened the door. I barely said 'hi' and my eyes immediately searched for Michael... There he was, in the middle of the fussy little crowd that was our extended family. God, he was so beautiful! He looked so confident, so at ease. The smile I had missed so much. My heart was beating so fast I decided it was better to just watch him a bit more from a distance, before he saw me, this way I could remember every trace of his face I might have forgotten. without having to hide any feelings. However, as if knowing I was there, he slowly turned around, and that was when all my efforts went down the pipes. My heart decided to run in the Olympics the moment Michael and I locked eyes. He smiled to me, forgot everybody else and came to me. I had to do something. I couldn't let him come too close or I might end up doing something crazy. that wasn't the place. Ben was here. nobody would understand. He was not ready... I was not ready. So I went to him and put my hands on his shoulders. But when he touched my arms, I melted down completely. I let him do whatever he wanted. He hugged me and kissed my lips, while I was frozen, unable to move, not even returning the embrace. He was so happy to see me he didn't seem to notice my messy state - thank God! I absorbed his heat, his smell. I have no idea what he told me, whatever it was I nodded, smiling back and saying 'me too'. It seemed to work. He took me where the rest of the guys were and we soon started eating Deb's lasagna. I couldn't eat at all. I kept playing with the food and drinking my glasses of wine. After about five of them, I spotted Michael alone, near the kitchen. I went there as if by instinct, pulling him by his arm to the nearest corner where nobody could see us. Now I would have my Mikey to myself. I drew him to me, in a fierce hug. I had almost forgotten how good was the smell of his body, how warm was his skin. I tightened the embrace and without even thinking, I was whispering his name and how much I had missed him. Our foreheads together. then my vision clouded. He said he had missed me too. There were so many things I wanted to tell him. But the words wouldn't come out. No, they wouldn't come out. I wouldn't even know where to begin. I wanted to tell him something that could cause him to think and maybe, just maybe, act upon it. Like what I'd said at the turnpike. He broke up with David after that. Though he'd said it had nothing to do with what I'd told him that night, I knew those words had reached him. However, once again my emotions got the best of me and an almost incoherent flood of words was already spilling out of my mouth, before I realized. 'You are never to go away that long, that way, where I can't see you, and in such circumstances like that, you hear me, Michael?' Busted! Tell me, what in the world was I thinking? What the hell was Michael supposed to get from that? I'll tell you, exactly what he did: that I love him. And when he said he loves me to. It was all to much, I'd better stop talking - sometimes I'm a real mess with words, times like that, times when Michael is concerned. So I kissed him. A friendly kiss at first, our friendly kiss, that is. Then, the kiss was suddenly not so friendly anymore. It was still okay because I knew Michael would eventually pull away and we'd all be safe, for a little longer. It never happened, though. He didn't pull away, instead he granted me access to that wet, warm, soft mouth of his. Memories of Babylon and certain kisses invaded my mind. That night things had gotten really hot, it had taken me all my self-control to not drag him to the backroom and fuck him into oblivion. But not there, never there. Mikey was holy ground, had always been. how I wish he weren't. Though he could never be any different, not to me. I pulled away; someone had to keep track of reality and especially the surroundings - it wasn't like we were at Babylon or my place. That place wasn't his alone; we were not alone there. There were other people. Ben was there. We just couldn't. I gave him my new address and got away from there as quickly as I could. I didn't sleep that night. I trashed in bed, a stranger in my own bed, missing someone who had never been there. Missing a body that would be yet to come, if ever. I couldn't see him the following day. I avoided him. Well, that was the easy part because he never called or dropped by to see me either. The hard part was to suppress the ever-growing need to dial his number, to go to the diner, to go to the store, to go to his place. And just what would I say, huh? What would I do? How would I behave once alone with him? No way. I needed at least one day to recompose my façade, my mask that was cracking just like an anti-wrinkle mask - that same shit I used to buy and never made me look nineteen again. Fucking advertisings. The evening came and the possibility of another night of insomnia haunted me even before my bedtime. I decided it was better to watch some TV, to stay in the living room until I felt the need to drag my sleepy body to my bedroom. Everything was happening according to plan. I was already drooling over the couch, when I heard someone at the door. 'Mikey?' What is he doing here at this time of the night? But, hey! Wait a second. What's he doing? He is all over me now; he's attacking me! Hey!... Hummm, this feels good... so good. His tongue on mine... His body on mine... His dick, hard against mine... His hands in my hair... Where is that bubble butt I adore? Here it is. Oh, but his kiss. Damn, why haven't he kissed me like that before? Wait! He's never done that before, at least not like this. What's going on? What's he doing? Stop, Mikey! Oh, God, no, don't stop! My thigh seems to have a will of its own and is between his legs now. and his on me now. Don't stop, Mikey. No, this is wrong. I'm not going to fuck him like this. We're talking Mikey here! My Mikey, not just anyone! Not a trick. I try to fight him, but he won't let me. Oh, Mikey, don't do this to me or... I'll give in... 'What are you doing?' Pay no attention to me, just keep on kissing me. I'm not going to hear what you're going to say anyway. 'I know.' WHAT? You know? He knows. do you know what I think you know? You understood? You finally understood, Mikey? You're finally ready? Is this what you're trying to tell me? Is it? It can't be. No, this is too good to be true. It can't be, can't be. God, no! Don't tell me I misheard him. Don't let this be a joke, not now that he's got me completely wrapped around his finger. Well, he'll just have to do more than that. There can be no guessing this time. Enough with the games. And there it is. He's saying it. All I've been waiting to hear from those lips that I'm already missing. I can't believe it. He's saying so many wonderful things.. I wish I could record them 'cause right now my mind is so hazy I don't think I'll memorize his words. I'm not even sure I'm registering them. But it all sums up to his last sentence, and it touches me so deeply. Yes, Mikey, there's no love purer than ours. It's waited for so long and still it remained just like it was when we were younger. Yet, I'm still scared. And I don't want to do anything he wouldn't be sure of. I have to pass the ball to him. Michael has to say exactly what he wants, 'cause I can't hurt him anymore. I can't push him to what he's not ready for. And as selfish as it can be, I'm scared shitless that he hurts me. If he only knew this. 'What do you want from me, Michael?' You is his answer. Me. Me of all people. Me, his selfish old friend. Me, the one who's hurt him the most. Me. I dare to say. the one who's loved him the most. Body and soul, heart and mind. Does this get any better? It doesn't, does it? Yes, it does. I'm all over him, now. God! This is. amazing! And yet so little... I want more! I want him all! His tongue invading my mouth - hungry and soft at the same time - is driving me nuts. I don't know if or what I'm saying but I couldn't care less, I have absolutely no control over my body or mind now, and I don't want to have any. I have no idea how we ended up here, in my room. He's straddling me now and I want to get rid of his clothes while at the same time I can't get my hands off him. I'm hurting his beautiful skin, I know, but I can't help it! I'm making a mental note here: tomorrow I'll put some medicine on the scratches, I promise. the hell I will! I want everybody to know, to see he's all mine now, MINE! My Mikey! His eyes are glassy with desire, desire for me. It turns me on even more. To top it all off, he's completely naked now. His dick is still exactly how I remembered it: perfect. I touch it and it sends a shiver down my body that inevitably leads me to think of what we're about to do. I can't do this, I can't start to wonder about how it'll be, what the aftermath will be. If I do this, I'll lose the little courage I have. And I want him, I want him so badly it dazes me. For once I have to let go, for once. But this is Mikey, what if I fuck it up? I feel his eyes on my body as I walk to the bedside table. I don't want him to look into my eyes and find out how frightened I am. Not that I care about keeping my façade - it's okay with him, I can be me with him - the thing is I don't want him to think it's because of him. Well, it is because of him, because of who he is, but it's just the opposite of what he'll think. He'll think I might not find him attractive - I just wanted to know where the fuck he got this stupid idea *I* didn't find him attractive! I can't stand that! I want him confident on what he's doing, one hundred per cent sure, unlike me. He's the strong one, I need him to be strong now, like never before in my life... But when I look into his eyes, I see myself reflected on them, my fears. No need for words. I know. I know what he's not saying. Just like he knows what I'm not saying. Ah, Mikey, I feel so tired now, tired of fighting against myself, my needs, my feelings. I'm giving in. So I tell him. I tell him everything; that even fucking terrified I'm willing to give it a try 'cause there's no other way for us and, most of all, 'cause now that things are out in the open I'm simply... his. 'Make love to me Brian.' And I thought I was fucking terrified. Mikey, I can't. Don't you know I've never? I wish I knew... But with whom would I do something like that... if not you... the only one I've ever wanted to? Mikey knows better. He tells me to trust my heart. Yes, I'll do it with all my heart, for you, for us. You'll show me how, won't you? I trust you will, I know you will. And he does. He shows me how, at least how to begin, because one more time he was right: I know what to do. My body knows what to do, my heart knows what to feel, my hands know where to touch him, my lips know where to go, my eyes know where to look: into his. I can't describe how I feel right now. The words... they're not enough... I can't think straight... I don't hear a thing but his breathing. He says nothing. Neither do I. We can't, the silence is enough; it explains what we can't. My eyes are locked on his and I can't move them away. I can't close them either, I want to see this. I want to memorize every trace of his face, while we go to a place I've never been before. His eyes are a mix of bewilderment and fear - I sense mine are just the same. I move slowly, I don't want to hurt him. He joins my rhythm, or maybe I join his. I don't know. Who cares? It's our rhythm now. I have to look up to see him. I love that I'm holding him on top of me, that one of my arms supports him while I stroke him. Every now and then his eyelids flutter but he never closes them fully, as if he knows I want to see his eyes. I lower him on the bed and watch him while I'm inside him. I touch his body, but that's not enough I need to feel his body glued to mine, his slicked, sweaty chest against mine, his hot cock against my belly. I kiss him senselessly. And that's not enough. It's not enough that I'm inside him body and soul, that my tongue is with his, that it's almost hard to breathe so deep is the kiss, and so strong is his embrace. He's digging his nails in my back, scratching and hurting me in his desire. I'm loving every fucking minute of it. For all I care he could tear me into right now. I hear him moaning softly and I know he's close. So am I. I don't want this to be over. I want more. I want to delay this though I know I can't take it anymore. I don't know how long we've been doing this but I know it's by far the longest time I've ever been inside someone. But then, Mikey is not just anyone, and what we're having here is certainly not just sex... I slide outside him a bit, only to feel his hips follow me, welcoming me inside again. He pulls me by the hair to connect our mouths one more time. And we're there. I cry out into his mouth (or was it him?) and, still inside him, I rest on my side, never breaking free from his embrace. God, I want to stay like this forever... ******************* I'm in his arms now, resting on his chest and he's holding me. I never thought I'd love to be cuddled, but I do, by Mikey. Sure others have tried however, I never gave myself into it, never felt very comfortable, at ease. I do now. With Michael I can do anything, feel anything, say anything, he knows me, and I'm glad he does. We finally did it. We did it, Mikey. I can't believe how peaceful I feel. This is so good. Is it real? Am I really awake? What has just happened in this bed, in this room? Is this how every couple in love feels? Couple, we're a couple now, aren't we? Because I know I'm in love, it can't be anything else. He's beaming. Did I do that? Is it really for me, because of me? He's so beautiful now. He's smiling broadly at me. I have a perfect view of his face from where I am. There's this little scratch near his earlobe. Was it me? Was it there before me? What was there before me? Who was he before me? Where was he before coming here? Why is he here? Why now and for how long will he stay? Will he stay? Will he? I ask him and he answers me. I knew his answer even before I asked him. But he still manages to surprise me: he remembers my words. They were so messy, I was so desperate to make him see no one could ever match him. That I loved him and only him, that there could never be Justins enough to take his place in my life. It had taken him so long to realize. But it had taken me much longer. He wants to know why I didn't just go to him and told him how I felt. How could I do that? I'm a coward. I could never deal with losing him. I'd rather have half of him than nothing of him. I could live with a love never completely fulfilled but I'd rather die than not having at least his friendly love, his voice, his words, HIM by my side. I didn't want to go another week without him, like that after his birthday party. Thank God I won't have to, I hope. I feel so close to him now. I didn't know I could feel any closer to Mikey than I already felt. He knows me now in a way nobody does, in ways I didn't know myself. I like that it was him. I wanted it to be him. Always have. I tell him something else I've always wanted: that he fucked me. I've always wanted him inside me. He's a bit surprised - it's good that he is. But I can see he liked the idea. It's been a while since I don't let anyone top me. I confess I'm not very into it, though sometimes, sometimes. I crave it. Like now. I know I'll like it. I suspect he could do just about anything with me right now and I'd love every fucking minute of it. Anything. But never would I have guessed what he was about to do to me, what he was about to make me feel. My poor brain could only have dyslexic thoughts, disconnected sentences, unintelligible phrases. Oh, Jesus! So that's how it is. That's how it feels to make love, to be with someone you love. Oh, Michael, I never thought. Oh, God. I never thought that it could be this good. 'Cause it surely feels different, and it beats everything I've already done. I feel like flying. I feel like dying. My body, it's. I feel you, Mikey, in every pore that I have. Why didn't I do this before? Why? I'm fucked now. I'm addicted, I know. to you, Mikey. My Mikey. It had to be you; of all people.I knew I'd be lost the moment I touched you, the moment you touched me liked this. Oh, but how the hell did I manage to live without this, without you for so long? The King no longer reigns, the stud of Liberty Avenue's days are over. So be it. For Mikey, for me, for us. This can't be happening. Oh. this is too good. for my own sake. I can't. 'Breathe, Brian, breathe.' What the fuck is going on? Who is this person that's invading me and taking hold of what I am? Who is this Mikey? This is frightening. I'm. scared. 'I'm here, Bri.' There it is, three words from him and I'm calm again. This is my Michael. He'd never hurt me. He's the only good thing in my life. 'Mikey.' 'Always.' I could blow through the ceiling, now. what. how. Mikey. No! This can't be over! Thank God it's over! I want more. Stay, Mikey, inside. I drew him to me, closer. I need his lips on mine, his body on mine right now. He has to give me back the part of me that he's taken, that is with him now. I'm not whole anymore. I'm half Brian. but I'm also half Mikey. I feel so vulnerable. My chest hurts, and there's this knot in my throat that I don't know why is there. And it hurts like hell! I can't believe this but I feel like crying! What the fuck is going on? How can I feel happy and sad at the same time? Am I going crazy? There's something wet and warm on my neck, on my shoulder. No, it can't be. Mikey is crying. Why? Does he feel the same? Oh, now I won't be able to hold them back. here they are. Damn! Fucking tears! I can't. He can't see me like this. How can I explain what I don't understand? Too late, now. a sob. has just. escaped. 'Mikey' I start before him 'Why?' I ask, touching his tears. Maybe he can give me a hint of what to tell him when he reverses the question. He wipes his face with hi hand. 'I don't know. I-I. I'm not alone anymore.' Shit! That's it. Once again, so simple and so true, he's just said it all. I'm biting my lip so hard I can taste blood. It's either this or me, a complete basket case. Our foreheads, I need this contact right now. 'I guess you're right, Mikey.' What is this now, puberty again? My voice cracked at every word! 'You're stuck with me now.' He smiles, causing more of his tears to stream down his face. 'You're crying too.' 'Who said I'm crying?' Ha! If my voice hadn't just betrayed me. again. 'These are your tears that fell down on my face while you were.' 'Brian, you're so pathetic.' 'I am, Michael. And it's all your fault.' 'This was the best ni-' I reach for his lips. 'Don't say it. No, I can barely understand what just happened here. I don't want to understand it. I saw it in your eyes. I felt it in your body, in my body. And it scared me. I just want to feel it. again. and again, and again. until I'm finally able to understand why I felt like dying and being born at the same time. Why you made me feel like that. Don't say anything, Mikey.' I just want him to hold me now. So he reads my mind and entwines his body on mine, reverting our positions, and making my head rest on his chest. It's all I need: him, with me, now. It's a pity he's soft and he's not inside me anymore. This is the only thing I know for sure, from this experience: that I loved his perfectly shaped penis up my ass. Like I knew I would.