Title: Numb

Summary: Cordelia tries to comfort Angel in his time of grief after he finds out about Buffy's death. But the tables are turned when someone else dies.

Author's Notes: Glad to be back and writing again! I know this is a sad story dealing with deaths and pain but I just lost my grandma so I'm not really in a happy-go-lucky mood. I'll try and do a happier story next time. Plus, I think Angel/Cordy seem to have the best chemistry in a drama and pain scenario. Yeah, they're the angst couple of the year, I know! 'Numb' is the tile of a song off the Linkin Park CD 'Meteora'. Great CD, listen to it!

Spoilers: Right after 'There's No Place Like Plrtz Glrb' and most of Season 5 on BtVS

Feedback: Does a body good!

Disclaimer: Been there, done that and still nothing's mine. ******************************************************************

Cordelia slowly walked down to Angel's room, the thoughts of what she might find raced through her mind. She knew that his brooding just went into overdrive but her heart ached for him. No one, not even a tortured soul should go through the pain of losing a loved one. Yeah, that's right, he still loved Buffy and she knew that. She was all right with that. Hell, she still had a place for Xander in hers but she moved on and so had Angel. They had moved on together. Now with wounds reopened and memories rekindled, they were back to square one. Cordelia reached the door of his room and lightly knocked on it. She knew he could hear her and waited for his reply. What came her way was hardly the emotion she expected.

"Come in Cordelia." He knew she was there. He could sense her presence and her rapid heart beat as she slid the door to the side. Nothing new there, she thought. He could always sense when she was coming and yet in her years of knowing him for the first time it didn't creep her out. She hesitantly made her way to the chair he was sitting in. No surprise in what direction it was faced, the wall.

"You know, I'm starting to think that that wall gets more attention from you then I do." Cordelia came up behind the chair and wrapped her arms around Angel's neck placing her chin gently on the top of his hair. To her surprise he brought his hands up and held onto her arms like a safety net, afraid to let go. They stayed like that for what seemed like eternity, safe in each other's company as best friends. Angel was the first to break the silence.

"You know, I actually had a moment of contentment with bringing you back and all. I'd never thought that looking at Willow could make that all go away." Cordelia sighed and kissed the top of his hair.

"I know what you mean. I actually thought that everything was back to normal. I mean, nothing will ever be *normal* normal but…well, you know what I mean." Angel chuckled at her slummy way of clarifying herself. She was the only one he knew that could make his world a little brighter by just saying simple words. Cordelia made her way to sit sideways at his feet and placed her arms across his legs laying her head on her arms. She had forgotten all about the barely there vesture that covered her body.

Angel looked down at his seer and the beautiful woven jewelry she wore, which made her look even more like a queen. He ran his hands through her silky hair and admired the precious time of having her in his presence, which he had lost so much of no more then months ago. For that one moment in time, just gazing down at Cordelia, he lost all sense of unhappiness and forgot his whole purpose of being in his room in the first place. But it was just for one moment because then everything came flooding back and once again misery took over. Cordelia spoke distracting him from his thoughts.

"Why us?"

"Huh?" Cordelia looked up at him with questioning eyes.

"Why do the bad things always happen to us?"

"They don't always happen to *us*. Bad things happen to everyone." Cordelia laid her head back down on Angel's lap.

"It just seems that we're the only ones in the world who get all the violence and destruction because of the life we live and the things we've done."

"Cordelia, it just seems like that because of the fact that we are us. Right now the Scoobies are going through a lot more then we are but it only seems bad to us because we're not them."

"It's just so unfair. We've done so much and so has Buffy and her little crusaders but yet we're the ones with the death and the gore and the pain and the tears." Cordelia suddenly broke into a fit of sobs as the reality of it all came crashing down on her. Angel rose to his feet bringing her with him and guiding her to his bed where he engulfed her in his arms. Cordelia cried softly into his chest but pulled away realizing that it was she who should be comforting *him*. That's what she came to do, comfort him. She wiped at her tears trying to put on a brave face.

"I'm sorry…I'm so selfish. I came down here to comfort you and that's not what happened."

"It's ok Cordy, you just being here is comforting enough."

"I guess but I'm not the one that lost a loved one. Yeah, Buffy was my friend but my pain can't even compare to what you must be feeling." Angel lowered his head to hide his sadness.

"Yeah, it hurts. I love her so much and now she's gone." Cordelia cupped his face in her hands and brought his face up to meet hers. Then, only did she see the pools of liquid that outlined his dark brown eyes.

"Oh Angel." She gently pulled him into her arms stroking his hair as he, for the first time, sobbed quietly. She had never actually seen him cry before but then again today was the day for firsts.

Angel poured out his emotions for his best friend to see and silently thanked the powers for sending him such an understanding person to be by his side. He knew that without her to keep him together he wouldn't have made it throughout the night. He felt so numb.

So numb that he might do something tonight that he might regret later.

He gently pulled away and looked at Cordelia as he ran a hand down her face. He looked her over, admiring his view of her body then back up into her hypnotizing hazel eyes. He continued his hand down her face and her neck and over shoulder. Cordelia closed her eyes and shivered at his cold touch sending major warning signs to her brain. She knew what they were doing was wrong but she also knew that Angel needed her. Angel reached for her hand and pulled her up to stand in front of him. He fingered the exquisite hand made jewelry that clothed her body and ran his hands along her exposed stomach. She never flinched though she knew her whole body was going to collapse if he didn't stop. She mentally smacked herself for letting him do this to her but there was a tiny voice in the back of her mind telling her it was ok. He would never do anything to hurt her and that little voice had more power over her then she thought.

Angel looked up at Cordelia searching to meet her eyes but never got them. She tried with her every muscle to not look at him and not let him take her over. She loved Angel, yes, but as a brother, as a best friend, as her guardian in the night. She never really thought of him as someone she could love as a companion, as a lover. It had never crossed her mind. She went completely still when she felt him pull her down onto his lap her knees as her anchor on the bed. She became motionless, and he could feel the tension in her muscles. He closed his eyes as he ran his hands up her thighs and let them rest on her hips pulling her down harder onto his lap.

Cordelia bit her lip to prevent him to hear her moan. As much as she knew how wrong what they were doing was she couldn't pull herself to say something. She too became lost and found it comforting to feel a little more then just the pain in their lives. She took solace in his actions and just let all the tautness release from her body. Angel smiled as he felt her nerves relax and her breathing become more rapid. He held her back as he leaned forward and dug his face into her breast listening to her heart accelerate. She ran her hands through his hair from behind and clawed at his scalp, which made him growl in return. She pressed his head down further and leaned more into his touch letting a slight moan escape her lips.

"Angel."

Angel pulled back roughly, hearing her moan his name as a signal that he was free to take over. He pressed his lips to hers in a hungry, passionate kiss that left her breathless. He cupped her face and kissed along her chin and jaw line that sent goose bumps up and down her arms. She threw her head back and grinded her hips against him feeling his erection between her legs grow as he thrust forward meeting her grinds with equal amount of force. She soon became so consumed that she no longer had control of her moans and let her arousal take complete control of her mind and body. He too let his inner demon have play as he pushed every warning to the back of his head. He reached for the backing of Cordelia's beaded top and began to unhook it with ease when he felt her pull away violently. She stood a good 10 feet away from him horror and realization written on her face. Angel rose to his feet with concern and guilt in his eyes. It had finally dawned on him what he was doing and cursed himself for letting himself take advantage of her like that. He had no right and knew there was no reason for his actions.

"I'm…I'm so sorry Cordy…I didn't…" Cordelia just stared at him. She panted heavily trying to get back her breath and stop the dizziness in her mind. How could she let him take her for granted like that? She mentally smacked herself for letting her emotions get the better of her and for actually enjoying it in the process. She enjoyed it? Did she actually have feelings for her best friend, her co-worker?

No, of course not. It was just the heat of the moment.

"I'm sorry too. I knew it was wrong but you needed me and I didn't want to make you feel you had nobody and your in pain so I thought it was ok but it's not…it's not ok."

"I know you're right…it's not ok. I'm sorry…"Angel moved to touch her but she stepped back. He couldn't touch her, not now.

"I know your sorry but…" Cordelia took a deep breath and sighed.

"I'm sorry for your lost and I hope you will get through it…and I'm sorry…for what just happened." Angel felt like he just got sucker punched in the face. She was sorry for what they did? Of course she was sorry. She didn't see him like that, she saw him only as a brother, her best friend. How could she ever love him like that? But what the question he asked himself was, did he love her more then a friend? Was there more to their *comforting* then he intended?

Angel lowered his head and took sudden interest at the floor beneath him. Cordelia sighed again and made her way to leave. She stopped right before the door and without turning around, spoke so softly he almost didn't hear her.

"You know I'm always hear for you, whenever you need me I'll always come running. But I think right now you need to figure out whether you need me because you're hurting…or because you need a stand-in for something you lost." Cordelia didn't let him answer as she left his room leaving him alone once again to his misery. Angel sighed and took out his frustration in the nearest wall. He knew she right. He just hoped that she would forgive him, again. First it was the epiphany after Darla and now this. He sat down on his bed ignoring the bloody gash on his knuckles. Once again he felt hollow…lost…numb, but now for more then one reason. ************************************************************            TBC! Ok all done with this one. I think there should be one more left, I'm not sure yet. Check for the next chapter soon.

~Michele~