Title: Numb
Summary: Cordelia tries to comfort Angel in his time of grief after he finds out about Buffy's death. But the tables are turned when someone else dies.
Author's Notes: I've gotten some reviews stating that people couldn't understand whose talking when I write so I've taken a little longer with this chapter and rearranged it so that hopefully you can understand better. I'm going to start writing this way in future stories so hope it helps. I'm finishing up a new story so look for that soon as well.
Spoilers: Right after 'There's No Place Like Plrtz Glrb' and most of Season 5 on BtVS
Feedback: Does a body good!
Disclaimer: Been there, done that and still nothing's mine. ******************************************************************
Angel did what he did best…brood. He hadn't moved from his room since the incident that happened between him and Cordelia last night. He didn't know what came over him. He was so lost in his misery and didn't even care about his one chance at over coming all his pain. He wondered how she was doing. If he went to talk to her would she turn away from him or had she forgotten the whole thing? He ran his hands through his hair, which was now soft and no longer spiky. The gel in his hair had lost its hold a long time ago. He was wearing the same clothing from last night and hadn't even bothered to eat. He could feel his weak muscles barring down on him from lack of food. But he didn't care. He was more worried about whether Cordelia would forgive him or not. He didn't care what happened to him because nothing was worth living for except his seer, amazingly not even the death of his fist love.
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Wesley looked at his wristwatch as the seconds rolled by and still no sign of Angel. He knew there was something wrong when he saw Cordelia storm out of the hotel last night. He couldn't see her face so he didn't know whether she was sad or mad. All he knew is that it had to do with Angel because that's the room she descended from.
She had arrived to work and seemed a little better but he could tell she had been crying. Her eyes were blood shot and puffy, which she tried to hide behind make-up. He knew it was time for tears and grief for all but there had been more hearts pained last night and he just hoped that they would soon get to the bottom of it. He watched as Cordelia went about her daily activities. "Cordy?"
She looked up from her paperwork and looked at Wesley. "Yeah Wes?"
"Are you feeling ok today?"
Cordelia looked back down at her papers and resumed what she was doing without looking at him. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why you ask?"
"Well you seem a little…I don't know…not like the usual Cordy."
"Is there a certain Cordy you want me to be today?"
Wesley walked over to her desk and firmly placed his hand on her paperwork to make her look his way. Nothing. "I don't know…maybe the one that will look at me when I'm talking to her." She looked up at him her eyes firmly narrow and looking very irritated.
"So what, your suddenly taking interest in whether I look at you or not?" She rose from her seat and walked past him to pour herself a cup of coffee. Wesley turned to face her his arms now crossed over his chest.
"No, I'm suddenly noticing that you're not to your optimal self today and I want to know why? What is it that has you so quite and distant and shedding tears when you think no one is looking." Cordelia lowered her head feeling a slight embarrassment knowing that he had seen her when she tried to hide her tears. She sighed and placed her cup on the nearest counter. She walked over to her friend and hugged him, which surprised him. He hugged her tightly and rubbed her back lightly giving some type of comfort. She dug her face in his shoulder and expressed her feelings.
"I can't stand to see Angel the way he is. He's so depressed and his brooding activities have just crawled the scale." Wesley pulled away gently from her embrace and made eye contact with her. "This is what has you all worked up? Cordy, you know Angel better than any of us do and your going to give up on him. If you're so worried about him then why don't you go see him?" Cordelia pulled away from his grasp and averted her eyes. Wesley now knew there was more to it then what she was telling him but he didn't want to know. All he knew was that they had better get it together or he was going to take matter into his own hands. He gently placed a hand on her shoulder. "Cordy, why don't you take Angel something to eat and maybe you two can talk out your problems."
"It's no that easy Wes."
"Well make it that easy. You two have been through a lot more dangers and have survived a lot more battles together and I know that whatever you two are going through that there is no better way then to get through it together." Cordelia raised her head to meet his gaze and saw his every meaning. It was rare to find someone with such wisdom that Wesley possessed in matters that were great and matters that shouldn't even matter. She hugged him once more and thanked him for his words of wisdom. She headed for the kitchen and fixed Angel a cup of blood. If she was correct he hadn't eaten since they had their confrontation last night. She let out a sigh and headed towards his room. Wesley watched her leave and let a small smile grace his lips as he thought of how such a tragedy could bring two champions together.
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Angel stirred from his position in his chair. It was the same chair that kept his attention since last night. He sensed someone was coming from the heartbeat he could hear pounding in his ear. He ignored it thinking it was just Wesley finally coming to check on him but when he sensed the heartbeat quicken as it came closer he knew it was someone else, someone who was afraid to come near him. He could smell the fear; the anxiety and it aroused his senses much to his distaste. He sniffed the air and could smell the tantalizing aroma of blood that was coming in his direction. Before he could think twice he heard a light knock on the door. "Come in."
Cordelia hesitantly made her way into the room. "Hi."
"Hi."
Cordelia looked down at the blood in her hands. "I made you something to eat. Wesley told me you hadn't eaten since yesterday." She raised her head up slowly afraid to meet his eyes. But when she did all she saw was sadness and guilt. She finally gathered the strength to look him over completely and noticed he was wearing the same clothes since she was last there. He had a five o'clock shadow and his hair was no longer neat and gelled. His eyes no longer had that spark and she knew it was because of Buffy's death but now it was worse then ever. She slowly made her way to him but not getting too close as she handed him his food. Angel looked at her with hesitation and she smiled reassuringly. "Go on…you need to eat something." She handed him the cup. "I'll just go and when you're done…" She turned to leave but Angel quickly grabbed her wrist.
"No…I mean…I want you to stay." Cordelia looked down at his hand on her wrist and then at his pleading eyes. She gave him a weak but warm smile and sat on the bed. He let go of her trying his best to return the smile and began to eat mannerly. She lowered her head and played with an imaginary thread on her pants.
Angel placed his empty cup on the nightstand next to him and took one of Cordelia's nervous hands in his own. She looked up to meet his gaze and saw the paleness in his eyes fade away. He gave her hand a light squeeze. "Thanks…and I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault…I…"
"No…it *was* my fault. I was stupid and miserable and I made a stupid mistake with your vulnerability."
"Hey, I wasn't vulnerable."
"Cordelia…"
"Sorry, go on." Cordelia lowered her head sheepishly and he gently brought her face back up to meet his eyes.
"I know what I did was wrong and you're not a stand-in. You will *never* be a stand-in. You have given me so much and I thank you for that. You have been by side in times like these and I would have never made it if it wasn't for you." He could see tears glistening in her eyes as he spoke. He cupped her face and gently wiped at her cheek with the pad of his thumb as a single tear slid down. "I'm so sorry and I can't stand to know that you're mad or sad at me because you think that because of Buffy's death, you have to be a replacement. It would never come to that and I'm sorry if I made you feel that way."
Cordelia nodded her head in Angel's hands. "I understand. But, can I say something?"
Angel lowered his hands from her face and chuckled nervously. "I'm sorry. Go ahead."
"No, no, you're good. I understand totally, but…could you do me a favor?"
"Anything."
Cordelia pinched her nose. "Could you take a shower?"
"What?"
Cordelia, still holding her noise, placed her other hand on Angel's knee. "You've been down here for way too long and you could use a good freshener." She gave him her 100-watt smile and surprised him by hugging him tightly. "You mean a lot to me Angel. I remember what I said about 'whenever you need me…' and I meant it." She ran a hand down his hair and placed a kiss on his temple. Angel closed his eyes and basked in the feeling of her embrace by squeezing her tighter.
After a beat he pulled back and smiled. "I thought you said I stunk?"
"You sure know how to ruin the moment don't you?" She pushed him playfully and rose to leave as she pointed to his bathroom. "You, to the shower." She sighed. "I'm going to finish up some more work. When you're done come on up." She exited the room to leave Angel to get cleaned up.
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Wesley heard Cordelia come up and looked up from his research. "How'd it go?"
"Even Stevens. He ate, he's cleansing and he's on his way up."
"That's good to hear."
"Yeah we're good. God, if I hear anymore bad news I'm going to have to kill someone." Wesley returned back to his books smiling, happy to have the old Cordelia back. The phone rang and she rushed to answer it. "Angel Investigations, we help the hopeless…Daddy?" Wesley looked up. "I'm good…doing some work here in L.A…you? No surprise there…how's mom and why are you call…what? No…you can't be serious…" Wesley slowly rose from his seat. "When did…? Oh my god…"
Angel ascended from his room buttoning up his shirt. "Look Cordy, all clean as a…?"
"Shh!" Angel looked over at Wesley then followed his eyes to see what he was staring at. Cordelia held the phone so tight that her knuckles turned white. She spoke barely above a whisper as her voice cracked and she began to tremble with sobs.
"Mommy?" Angel and Wesley watched everything happen in slow motion as Cordelia dropped the phone and collapsed to the floor in tears. Angel rushed to her side instantly and gathered her in his arms rocking her back and forth. She clutched his shirt tightly and cried uncontrollably into his chest mumbling the same thing over and over. "Why, why, why…?"
Wesley rushed over and picked up the dangling phone. "Hello? Yes, Mr. Chase…she's here but what…? Oh, oh my…I'm so sorry for your loss. Our condolences go out to you and yours from Angel Investigations…" Wesley wrote something down on a piece of paper. "Yes, I will be sure to tell her…Thank you, goodbye." Wesley slowly placed the phone back on its base and looked down at the couple on the floor. Angel looked up at him with questioning eyes and Wesley answered with words Angel wished he could change. "Cordelia…Cordy's mother died this morning in a car accident. Her father said the funeral will be held this weekend at a cemetery. He gave me directions." Cordelia's cries became louder and Angel held her tighter as the tears surfaced in his own eyes. He smoothed out her hair and tried to whisper reassuring words but knew nothing could help.
After a while Cordelia lifted her head to see both men, Gunn and Fred staring down at her with sympathetic eyes.
Fred had peeked out from her room concerned from the screaming and saw Cordelia crying on the floor. She rushed to her side and in her own little way gave her sympathy as much as possible. Wesley had called Gunn with the news and he rushed over as soon as possible to give Cordelia his support. He knew what she was going through because he too lost a family member not too long ago.
Cordelia gave a weak smile and wiped her face silently thanking her friends for their comfort. Angel helped her up from the floor and walked her over to the round settee. Wesley fetched some water for her and they all sat around waiting for Cordelia to say something.
Finally after a good while she spoke barely above a whisper her voice still cracked from crying. "Thanks guys for your support. I think I'm ok now. It happens and I know that so I have to realize that my mom's gone…" her voice began to crack again but she stayed strong. Angel placed a warm hand on her back. "But she's in my heart. Funny thing is, I never really knew her. After I turned 16 she was never really around anymore and I was either by myself or with the maid. Then after graduation I left and came here. I got a few phone calls afterwards but then they stopped and now I just wish…I just wish she would have known that I loved her." She began to sob quietly and Angel wrapped his arms around her once again as her friends watched with sorrow.
"She knows you loved her."
Cordelia lifted up her head to meet his eyes. "You think?"
"I'm the Dark Avenger, I don't think I know." Cordelia let out a chuckle and Angel smiled. He cupped her face in his hands and placed a tender kiss on her forehead. Cordelia sighed and placed her forehead on his. She now knew what Angel was feeling when Buffy died. Numb. ************************************************ TBC! Sorry it took me so long with this one. I was on vacation and then my dad was emitted to the hospital. I have one more chapter left so look for that hopefully really soon. I would have put it with this one but I thought it was already kinda long. So the last one is kinda like an epilogue.
~Michele~