Fear - Chapter Two

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Who made up these stupid questions, I'd like to know. What am I scared of? – Oh well, sorry, I meant fear. But isn't that the same thing? Right…. Whatever you say so. I know what you're thinking, "Here I am talking to the most respected newsie in Brooklyn… I bet he doesn't fear anything." Hah, you got it all wrong. I still have feelings, you know? I ain't some bastard walking around, ordering people and telling them what to do just for a living. I'm more than that. Since you're so slow right now, I guess I'm going to have to spell it out for you.

Yeah, I bet you heard it before… the life of a newsie ain't easy. And it isn't. Just ask anyone who has ink smeared all over their hands, a black eye, and dirty clothes on. It ain't that hard not to see us. And we all know how everybody else looks down upon us. Street rats. The lowest of the low. We know how it is.

That's why I'm here for. Now, I know it ain't the purpose of my life, but its part of who I am Being the leader ain't easy, either. All those newsies you have to watch out for, look out for, and help. There's only one of me and so much of them that I sometimes don't know how I'm going to do this. But you get the hang of it, you know? That's what my birds are for. It makes the job easier.

So back to the subject. Fear. I got it right this time, alright? I DO have fears, just things that I don't show right out. I have my reasons. But since you said this isn't going to be known by others, I'm going to tell you. You should be happy that I trust you about this. I don't really talk about it.

You see that girl over there? Yeah, her. I know you've seen me with her the past few days. Then, look over there…. Yeah, the redhead. You've seen me with her too. I know what you're thinking, what does girls have to do with this? Ah, the womanizer, that's me. Or that's what people call me. It ain't something I'm proud of, just something I came to be.

Its not that easy finding someone you're comfortable with, especially with everyone watching your every move… wanting to know what happens next between the two of you. Did they fight? Did they just kiss? What happened? But the point is, I've felt NOTHING with all the girls I've been with. There it is. NOTHING. Absolutely nothing at all. Sure, you feel the passion when you first kiss, but afterwards… nothing. And I've looked and looked, I don't really know why… Cause I have all my life. But I can't really wait, can I?

The thing is… a guy can easily fall for a good-looking girl. I should know. But what about all the other things? I know, I'm getting all… lovey-dovey, but you wanted to know. And I warned you. I guess you can say that it came with the territory of how I grew up… that's what they always say… its how you were brought up that influences the way you live. Hah, don't like at me like that… I got brains too, you know? Never really knew my parents… but who here really met their own birth parents? Hardly. I knew I was adopted and all, I didn't really care, I was happy. But I think I should've known when I heard those voices coming next door… sure, they were my parents', but different… angry… and irritated. It wasn't like them at all.

I should've known better… but, what, I was only five… six… years old then? I really don't know. I was just a little kid that wanted to go out and play. What was I to know about what was going on? But that day that I walked in my parents' room… I knew that it was different. I remember seeing my mother… looking straight at my dad, her eyes all watery and red. And that's when I felt her love for him drain out… it disappeared just like that. Gone. You should've seen the pain she went through… it even hurt just looking at her. Then day by day, her misery would eat away at her… she would have no life at all. She wouldn't even talk to me. I guess getting lost in Brooklyn with her was a good thing… I don't really know. I don't even remember if she even felt an ounce of regret and love when she knew I was gone. But I'm glad I left… or got lost… whatever happened… if I would've stayed there longer, I would've been afraid of turning into a lifeless zombie like her. It's even worse than living out here.

That's what I'm scared of. My fear. Love. The point is, you don't know how it's going to affect you… how it's going to make you feel. And that's what so scary about it… and at the same time, I still don't know why I keep on looking for it. You know what I said before? I'm telling you again, though I bet you already heard it. Love is the worst thing of all (don't ever let yourself walk in it) or the greatest thing that can happen to you. Now, nobody was supposed to hear that. Understand? Good.

-Spot Conlon

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Shout-outs

Sapphy: I know, isn't it sad? I just found out that i don't own the newsies either! *tear* fish and bugs? i'd understand bugs, but fish? *shrug* maybe that's just me... er, you... ah, whatever.

Emu: Haha, i luv you emu, you know that? you're always there to read my ffs! ^^ you should REALLY get an account on ff.net! yeah, the font does get slowly bigger doesn't it? lol. after you told me it looked small, i looked at it over again and you know what? i was squinting! haha! so i just went ahead and changed it! ^^

evenstar: hahah, thanks! ^^ don't worry, i'll keep on updating this one!

JustDuck: lmao! i just love seeing the reviewer's reactions... you searched... you found the next chap! ^^ heheh.

Destria: its rare? haha, that's interesting. :P NML stands for newsies mailing list and NWA stands for newsies writing aid... they're groups on yahoo that i also sent my stuff too. really fun people there. ^^

Oneconfusednewsie: did ya notice that we end up giving our boys such a hard time? *tear* but we still love 'em anyway! ^^