Thank you for your patience.
My Boyfriend's Friend
Chapter 9: Define Love
Love? What is love? I mean really what the hell is love? Why does it cause so many problems. I began to think upon the word that has made my life a living hell.
I looked around my apartment and saw what 'love' made me do. 'Love made me flip my couch over, tear up my pillows, throw bottles at the walls, and write obscenities all over them. It had been a day since Mamoru declared his absence from my life once again. Since that moment, I officially became crazy. I looked a ratted mess. My hair undone, my living space destroyed, and bottle after fucking bottle of beer to try and dull the pain. I had not made any contact with the living since Mamoru left out of my door. I felt lost.
I saw an unbroken bottle that had somehow missed becoming a scattered mess across my floor. I looked and took hold of it gingerly as if it was a newborn. The wholeness of the glass made my heart ache. It looked fulfilled as if it had and served a purpose. It sickened me. I chunked it towards a wall, willing it to shatter like my heart.
"What the shit?!?" I heard a voice say. Why the fuck does everyone have a key to my fucking place? I made a mental note to change my locks.
Rei looked at me from the ducked position she had taken to avoid being clocked in the head. She looked around my place and then back at me. I just looked at her. I didn't even speak a word of greeting. I was like a Neanderthal.
"Usa, baby, um. I don't know what you going through", she looked at the remarks on my walls, " but, uh., we will get through this." She had a look of disbelief in her eyes along with something akin to hatred. "Fucking asshole" I heard her mutter as she carefully made her way to the rabid animal that was me.
She warmly embraced me. "Did Mamoru do this?", she asked me trying to keep her voice calm. I shook my head no. "Did you do this?", she asked. I shook my head yes. All of a sudden my life crashed on me once again causing me to erupt into a river of tears.
I heard Rei's voice trying to soothe me, trying to make it better. "Oh God, my life.", I cried into her shirt. "Why? Someone please, just tell me why? What is love Rei? What the fuck is it?! I don't understand. I don't want any of this anymore." I continued to drench her shirt with my tears. And there she sat holding me, comforting me.
**
I sat in my bath tub in the water that Rei ran for me while she stepped out to pick up some "supplies". I remembered her comforting words. I realized how lucky I was to have a friendship with her, how much love she had for me. It hit me then. Love was many things, but mostly it was true. Not once did Rei give me the I told you so speech, but she was there for me. I was at my all time lowest at the moment, and instead of bickering with me as we usually would be doing, she is pampering and trying to get me to see that everything would be okay. And somewhere deep inside, even though I hadn't found it yet, I believed her.
I sank into the bath letting the water envelop me from head to toe. I closed my eyes hoping for stillness and peace. I thought of Seiya. I thought of my goals. I thought of how I was less than two weeks from graduating. I thought of Mamoru. My thoughts were abruptly interrupted by my head being snatched from underwater by my hair.
"Don't you dare try it Usagi!", I met the fiery eyes of Rei. "No guy is worth killing yourself over!" Realization dawned on me of what she thought.
"No no, I was just relaxing. It was nothing like that." I said in a soft voice. Rei looked at me in the eyes, hoping to see that I was telling the truth.
"Usagi, tell me what happened.", she asked me gently. She picked up my shower sponge and began to gently wash my back, as I relayed the story of what happened after she left when Mamoru arrived.
As I finished what happened, tears were streaming down my eyes. And Rei was in deep thought. She stood up to grab me a towel and handed it to me to dry off my pruning skin. I dressed in silence, tank top and sweats. I joined Rei on the couch.
"He loves you, you know..", she said from nowhere. "He was the one who called me and requested my coming to check on you." My head shot up to look her in the face. I wanted to know more, but my heart ached not wanting to be dragged on a roller coaster once more.
"Rei, why are you being so nice?" I opted to switch the subject.
"Because no matter what, you are my girl and I love you." She looked me in my eyes to let me know she was telling the truth.
I had looked away and found the "supplies" that Rei went to pick up. A broom, mop, paint, and trash bags. I grabbed a trash bag and started to pick up my self created mess.
"No Usagi, you sit.", Rei commanded. Soon there was a knock on the door. Rei stood to answer it. "About time you guys arrived."
"Shit Rei, you weren't kidding.." I heard Makoto say. One by one, my best friends, my girls, piled in.
"Cleaning service is here!" I heard Minako in a chipper voice say. Behind Minako stood Ami, offering me a smile. I was so lucky to have such good friends.
**
The afternoon passed with everyone cleaning up my apartment and painting over the walls. There was a lot of cheerful talk to keep my mind off of men. I could learn to hate men. I thought to myself that I never wanted to marry.. A million bricks came crashing onto my head. I was engaged to someone, to Seiya. Seiya!
"Seiya!" I suddenly shouted out, getting the attention of the girls.
"I talked to him don't worry about it Usa." Rei said. "He suspects nothing" She had taken care of it all.
Soon all was clean, and everyone was high off of paint fumes. "Damn my head hurts." Ami muttered rubbing her temples. "Maybe we should open the windows." Ha, whose stupid idea was it to paint with them closed I thought to myself, a smile beginning to crack on my lips.
"You guys are fucking retards!" Those were the first cheerful words to leave my mouth. They looked at me stunned.
"Well if you wouldn't have went crazy, we wouldn't have had to do all of this." Makoto mockingly noted to my comment. I laughed. I laughed..
"You know, maybe it's the fumes talking, but I think all guys are shit." I said.
"Preach preacher!", shouted Mina. We all broke into a laugh.
"I mean really, what do women benefit from? The only thing they need from us is sex, and all we ask for is security." I began after Mina's encouragement. I received claps and "amens". "And there are those few who are actually able to find good men! Men who love them but they push it away!" I said secretly referring to myself.
"Its better to be with the man who loves you, than to chase the man that you love." Ami chimed in.
"Ha! You are absolutely right!" I said to Ami. My head was swimming from the fumes in the room. "I may not be as in love with Seiya as I thought, but he loves me, and he will provide for me which is more than I can ask for!"
"Hell yeah!", Makoto said. "You deserve security! We deserve to never have to pick up after you again!"
We all broke into a fit of laughter. I shot my fist into the air and yelled "TO SECURITY!" The girls shot there fists up as well. "TO SECURITY".
**
I smiled lying in my bed that night. My life was changing everyday it seemed like. I didn't know if I was becoming a sociopath or not. After the paint fumes cleared out Ami took time to get me back on track with my studies. Mina took me out shopping afterwards. Then Makoto made me a wonderful dinner. And Rei was just there for me. I eventually told them all not to worry about me and to go home.
As hard as it would be, I had resolved to letting Mamoru become a false memory I had made up. I also decided that my marriage to Seiya was a good idea. He loved me deeply, and he would provide for me. I wish I could give him the same love he gives to me, but as Mina said earlier to me, "If its meant to be it will come in time."
I closed my eyes, blocking the figment of my imagination, Mamoru, from my mind. Blocking out the way he touched my body. I rolled over to my side and a tear fell to my pillow. It would be hard, but I knew I would get through this. I forced my mind to Seiya, and all of his good qualities. First thing in the morning, I'd call him. Let him know that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
**
I waited patiently at the café that Seiya and I frequent for meetings and dates. It was kind of an our spot type deal. I twirled my drink with my straw. Sleep had not come easy for me the night before. I had a vivid dream of my wedding..my wedding to Mamoru.. I was so happy in my dream, until I woke up to reality. I promptly called Seiya and told him to spend the day with me, after my morning class. I took the week off work, to let the clutter of my mind settle, and to concentrate on staying sane.
"You're so beautiful.." I looked up and saw Seiya staring at me. I graced him with a blush and small smile. It wouldn't be so hard to love him.
"Hey baby!" I jumped up with as much enthusiasm as I could muster and jumped into his arms.
"Whoa! What's all this for? Usually after a girls day out, you come back ultra feminist." He joked lightly with me, pulling me into his embrace.
"I missed you. I am going to be your wife you know!" I said to him. I attempted to lose myself in his warmth, but there was one embrace which was the warmest I'd ever know.
We spent the afternoon talking. I made myself indulge in his every word. It was actually the best time I'd had with Seiya while I was sober. We walked through the park. We shopped a little. We talked about our up coming nuptials and decided to combine my graduation and our engagement announcement into one party.
We bought invitations and ended back up at my place filling them out to be mailed the next day. We were scouring through our individual phone books compiling a guest list. I saw Mamoru's name on Seiya's list and thought nothing of it. He wouldn't show up at our engagement party, he told me himself he was out of my life. I shook my head to clear him from my mind. I looked at Seiya through seductive eyes. I give him sex, he ensures my security. Damn paint fumes.
I laid in my bed, resting my head comfortably on Seiya's nude chest. I let him for the first time taste my body without use of a condom. He gave me his all. He made the sweetest love he could possibly make to me. "I will love you." I said to his sleeping form. I let my eyes drift close.
**
A week and a half passed quickly in some ways, but slowly in other ways. Ami had my brain drilled into my books preparing me for my finals that were coming up in a few days. My boss had me doing multiple tasks as I requested. The caterers and everything was done. The days were short, but my nights were long.
Every night, I would have vivid dreams of Mamoru. Every night, I threw up from the pain. Every night, I would cry. Every night, drew me closer to my future. Every night, made me more fearful of my choices. Every night it got worse.
My grades were posted and I passed my classes. My graduation was Saturday, tomorrow. My engagement/graduation party was after that. I laid in my bed, pushing away all feelings of dread I was feeling. I closed my eyes, to dream of Seiya, the man next to me. I dreamed of Mamoru. Why did I have to love him? Why couldn't I chose not to? I woke up in the middle of the night to cry. It hurt so bad. I cried to the point of rushing myself to the bathroom to throw up. He mad me sick, literally. Seiya came into the bathroom behind me.
"Usa? Baby, are you OK?" His voice was laced with concern. If only he knew my sins against him. Would he still care?
"I'm fine baby. Just a bug probably." A bug named Mamoru I thought silently.
**
Graduation was great or should have been. In the stands were my girls, my family, and Seiya helping me celebrate my achievement. But the merriment was overshadowed by the sickening knot in my stomach. Mamoru's departure was taking more of a toll on me than I would have expected. I sat in the car after the mandatory pictures that my family took. Seiya climbed into the driver's seat and started up the car.
"This afternoon, we will be officially engaged to the world, Usa." He said to me. He grabbed my hand. "Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being there for me. I'm happy to know you love me as much as I love you." The smile I was holding up faltered at his last comment.
"Right. We should get going to our party baby." I closed the door to the previous conversation. I felt a knot in my stomach grow bigger and bigger as we reached my parents home for the party. Upon arrival, Seiya ran to open my door.
"For you my dear, he said holding up a rectangular box wrapped in a red ribbon. He had a weird pleased expression on his face.
"Thank you." I whispered, preparing to open it.
"No! Save it for later." I looked at him weird and pocketed the gift.
We walked in, the room erupted with congratulations All this for the announcement of eternal devotion. My stomach heaved at the thought. I was swept this way and that way. My mind began to clutter again. My doubts started to swim around me.
It was an hour into the party when I needed fresh air. I went to a corner of the back yard where no one could see me. I felt as if I was living a lie. That I couldn't be happy marrying Seiya. I would be better off alone. I couldn't let this continue. I'd provide my own security, I had a degree. I would do this all by myself. I know it is better be with the man who loves me, but It's also better to be happy alone.
"Usa! I was wondering where you went!" He said grabbing me gently. "You're so precious..don't run off and not tell me where you are." The kindness and love in his voice made my stomach heave once more.
"Seiya," I began, while tears were forming into my eyes, "I can't do this. I need.. I don't know. I don't need this."
"You know?! Usa I'm here for you." He said wrapping his arms around me.
"No that's not what I want Seiya! I want, God, I want-" I was cut off.
"Me." I heard a deep voice from behind me. "Tell me you want me Usako."
My eyes enlarged in fear. "Mamo.."
"What the hell are you talking about Mamoru?" Seiya asked with a slight smile on his face thinking this was a big joke.
"Usako, I can't go on thinking I can't see you again, hold you again, share my bed with you again. Usako, I love you." I heard the desperation in Mamoru's voice. I turned to meet his eyes. Oh God, his eyes.
"I want. I want.. Seiya, I want Mamoru.", my voice said as it exited my mouth.
"Usagi? What's going on?" Seiya asked me in a cautious voice.
"Usako, ever since I left you that day, my heart has been empty, my soul shattered. Ever since I shared my bed with you, I wanted you next to me everyday." Mamoru continued his confessions to me, in front of Seiya.
"You slept with him?!" I heard Seiya whisper.
"I..I.." I couldn't speak. This was a nightmare. Everything I concealed came to light all at one moment. I looked to the ground. "Yes" I answered him. I was ashamed.
"When Usagi?" I was silent "DAMNIT Usagi when?!?" I jumped as he yelled at me.
"I don't know, it was a month ago, OK?!?" I yelled back.
"Don't raise your voice to her!" Mamoru stepped to Seiya in my defense. I felt so sick at that moment. I began to throw up.
"Shut the fuck up you bastard!" Seiya yelled at Mamoru then turned to me. "Who's is it?"
"What the fuck do you mean, whose is it? We aren't in bed!" I yelled at him, embarrassed at the way he referred to my body.
"Don't play dumb with me Usagi!." He reached in my pocket pulled out my gift I was to save for later and ripped it open. He opened a gold box and held a stick with a pink cross in the window in front of my face. Tears welled up in my eyes at the realization of what it was. Mamoru's eyes shot wide open, knowing the possibilities. Seiya's eyes were watered and he asked me once more in a broken voice, "Who's baby is it?"
**
I say gawd damn! Just when you think it may get better eh? Almost at the end. Review please. ~Lady Imp.
My Boyfriend's Friend
Chapter 9: Define Love
Love? What is love? I mean really what the hell is love? Why does it cause so many problems. I began to think upon the word that has made my life a living hell.
I looked around my apartment and saw what 'love' made me do. 'Love made me flip my couch over, tear up my pillows, throw bottles at the walls, and write obscenities all over them. It had been a day since Mamoru declared his absence from my life once again. Since that moment, I officially became crazy. I looked a ratted mess. My hair undone, my living space destroyed, and bottle after fucking bottle of beer to try and dull the pain. I had not made any contact with the living since Mamoru left out of my door. I felt lost.
I saw an unbroken bottle that had somehow missed becoming a scattered mess across my floor. I looked and took hold of it gingerly as if it was a newborn. The wholeness of the glass made my heart ache. It looked fulfilled as if it had and served a purpose. It sickened me. I chunked it towards a wall, willing it to shatter like my heart.
"What the shit?!?" I heard a voice say. Why the fuck does everyone have a key to my fucking place? I made a mental note to change my locks.
Rei looked at me from the ducked position she had taken to avoid being clocked in the head. She looked around my place and then back at me. I just looked at her. I didn't even speak a word of greeting. I was like a Neanderthal.
"Usa, baby, um. I don't know what you going through", she looked at the remarks on my walls, " but, uh., we will get through this." She had a look of disbelief in her eyes along with something akin to hatred. "Fucking asshole" I heard her mutter as she carefully made her way to the rabid animal that was me.
She warmly embraced me. "Did Mamoru do this?", she asked me trying to keep her voice calm. I shook my head no. "Did you do this?", she asked. I shook my head yes. All of a sudden my life crashed on me once again causing me to erupt into a river of tears.
I heard Rei's voice trying to soothe me, trying to make it better. "Oh God, my life.", I cried into her shirt. "Why? Someone please, just tell me why? What is love Rei? What the fuck is it?! I don't understand. I don't want any of this anymore." I continued to drench her shirt with my tears. And there she sat holding me, comforting me.
**
I sat in my bath tub in the water that Rei ran for me while she stepped out to pick up some "supplies". I remembered her comforting words. I realized how lucky I was to have a friendship with her, how much love she had for me. It hit me then. Love was many things, but mostly it was true. Not once did Rei give me the I told you so speech, but she was there for me. I was at my all time lowest at the moment, and instead of bickering with me as we usually would be doing, she is pampering and trying to get me to see that everything would be okay. And somewhere deep inside, even though I hadn't found it yet, I believed her.
I sank into the bath letting the water envelop me from head to toe. I closed my eyes hoping for stillness and peace. I thought of Seiya. I thought of my goals. I thought of how I was less than two weeks from graduating. I thought of Mamoru. My thoughts were abruptly interrupted by my head being snatched from underwater by my hair.
"Don't you dare try it Usagi!", I met the fiery eyes of Rei. "No guy is worth killing yourself over!" Realization dawned on me of what she thought.
"No no, I was just relaxing. It was nothing like that." I said in a soft voice. Rei looked at me in the eyes, hoping to see that I was telling the truth.
"Usagi, tell me what happened.", she asked me gently. She picked up my shower sponge and began to gently wash my back, as I relayed the story of what happened after she left when Mamoru arrived.
As I finished what happened, tears were streaming down my eyes. And Rei was in deep thought. She stood up to grab me a towel and handed it to me to dry off my pruning skin. I dressed in silence, tank top and sweats. I joined Rei on the couch.
"He loves you, you know..", she said from nowhere. "He was the one who called me and requested my coming to check on you." My head shot up to look her in the face. I wanted to know more, but my heart ached not wanting to be dragged on a roller coaster once more.
"Rei, why are you being so nice?" I opted to switch the subject.
"Because no matter what, you are my girl and I love you." She looked me in my eyes to let me know she was telling the truth.
I had looked away and found the "supplies" that Rei went to pick up. A broom, mop, paint, and trash bags. I grabbed a trash bag and started to pick up my self created mess.
"No Usagi, you sit.", Rei commanded. Soon there was a knock on the door. Rei stood to answer it. "About time you guys arrived."
"Shit Rei, you weren't kidding.." I heard Makoto say. One by one, my best friends, my girls, piled in.
"Cleaning service is here!" I heard Minako in a chipper voice say. Behind Minako stood Ami, offering me a smile. I was so lucky to have such good friends.
**
The afternoon passed with everyone cleaning up my apartment and painting over the walls. There was a lot of cheerful talk to keep my mind off of men. I could learn to hate men. I thought to myself that I never wanted to marry.. A million bricks came crashing onto my head. I was engaged to someone, to Seiya. Seiya!
"Seiya!" I suddenly shouted out, getting the attention of the girls.
"I talked to him don't worry about it Usa." Rei said. "He suspects nothing" She had taken care of it all.
Soon all was clean, and everyone was high off of paint fumes. "Damn my head hurts." Ami muttered rubbing her temples. "Maybe we should open the windows." Ha, whose stupid idea was it to paint with them closed I thought to myself, a smile beginning to crack on my lips.
"You guys are fucking retards!" Those were the first cheerful words to leave my mouth. They looked at me stunned.
"Well if you wouldn't have went crazy, we wouldn't have had to do all of this." Makoto mockingly noted to my comment. I laughed. I laughed..
"You know, maybe it's the fumes talking, but I think all guys are shit." I said.
"Preach preacher!", shouted Mina. We all broke into a laugh.
"I mean really, what do women benefit from? The only thing they need from us is sex, and all we ask for is security." I began after Mina's encouragement. I received claps and "amens". "And there are those few who are actually able to find good men! Men who love them but they push it away!" I said secretly referring to myself.
"Its better to be with the man who loves you, than to chase the man that you love." Ami chimed in.
"Ha! You are absolutely right!" I said to Ami. My head was swimming from the fumes in the room. "I may not be as in love with Seiya as I thought, but he loves me, and he will provide for me which is more than I can ask for!"
"Hell yeah!", Makoto said. "You deserve security! We deserve to never have to pick up after you again!"
We all broke into a fit of laughter. I shot my fist into the air and yelled "TO SECURITY!" The girls shot there fists up as well. "TO SECURITY".
**
I smiled lying in my bed that night. My life was changing everyday it seemed like. I didn't know if I was becoming a sociopath or not. After the paint fumes cleared out Ami took time to get me back on track with my studies. Mina took me out shopping afterwards. Then Makoto made me a wonderful dinner. And Rei was just there for me. I eventually told them all not to worry about me and to go home.
As hard as it would be, I had resolved to letting Mamoru become a false memory I had made up. I also decided that my marriage to Seiya was a good idea. He loved me deeply, and he would provide for me. I wish I could give him the same love he gives to me, but as Mina said earlier to me, "If its meant to be it will come in time."
I closed my eyes, blocking the figment of my imagination, Mamoru, from my mind. Blocking out the way he touched my body. I rolled over to my side and a tear fell to my pillow. It would be hard, but I knew I would get through this. I forced my mind to Seiya, and all of his good qualities. First thing in the morning, I'd call him. Let him know that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
**
I waited patiently at the café that Seiya and I frequent for meetings and dates. It was kind of an our spot type deal. I twirled my drink with my straw. Sleep had not come easy for me the night before. I had a vivid dream of my wedding..my wedding to Mamoru.. I was so happy in my dream, until I woke up to reality. I promptly called Seiya and told him to spend the day with me, after my morning class. I took the week off work, to let the clutter of my mind settle, and to concentrate on staying sane.
"You're so beautiful.." I looked up and saw Seiya staring at me. I graced him with a blush and small smile. It wouldn't be so hard to love him.
"Hey baby!" I jumped up with as much enthusiasm as I could muster and jumped into his arms.
"Whoa! What's all this for? Usually after a girls day out, you come back ultra feminist." He joked lightly with me, pulling me into his embrace.
"I missed you. I am going to be your wife you know!" I said to him. I attempted to lose myself in his warmth, but there was one embrace which was the warmest I'd ever know.
We spent the afternoon talking. I made myself indulge in his every word. It was actually the best time I'd had with Seiya while I was sober. We walked through the park. We shopped a little. We talked about our up coming nuptials and decided to combine my graduation and our engagement announcement into one party.
We bought invitations and ended back up at my place filling them out to be mailed the next day. We were scouring through our individual phone books compiling a guest list. I saw Mamoru's name on Seiya's list and thought nothing of it. He wouldn't show up at our engagement party, he told me himself he was out of my life. I shook my head to clear him from my mind. I looked at Seiya through seductive eyes. I give him sex, he ensures my security. Damn paint fumes.
I laid in my bed, resting my head comfortably on Seiya's nude chest. I let him for the first time taste my body without use of a condom. He gave me his all. He made the sweetest love he could possibly make to me. "I will love you." I said to his sleeping form. I let my eyes drift close.
**
A week and a half passed quickly in some ways, but slowly in other ways. Ami had my brain drilled into my books preparing me for my finals that were coming up in a few days. My boss had me doing multiple tasks as I requested. The caterers and everything was done. The days were short, but my nights were long.
Every night, I would have vivid dreams of Mamoru. Every night, I threw up from the pain. Every night, I would cry. Every night, drew me closer to my future. Every night, made me more fearful of my choices. Every night it got worse.
My grades were posted and I passed my classes. My graduation was Saturday, tomorrow. My engagement/graduation party was after that. I laid in my bed, pushing away all feelings of dread I was feeling. I closed my eyes, to dream of Seiya, the man next to me. I dreamed of Mamoru. Why did I have to love him? Why couldn't I chose not to? I woke up in the middle of the night to cry. It hurt so bad. I cried to the point of rushing myself to the bathroom to throw up. He mad me sick, literally. Seiya came into the bathroom behind me.
"Usa? Baby, are you OK?" His voice was laced with concern. If only he knew my sins against him. Would he still care?
"I'm fine baby. Just a bug probably." A bug named Mamoru I thought silently.
**
Graduation was great or should have been. In the stands were my girls, my family, and Seiya helping me celebrate my achievement. But the merriment was overshadowed by the sickening knot in my stomach. Mamoru's departure was taking more of a toll on me than I would have expected. I sat in the car after the mandatory pictures that my family took. Seiya climbed into the driver's seat and started up the car.
"This afternoon, we will be officially engaged to the world, Usa." He said to me. He grabbed my hand. "Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being there for me. I'm happy to know you love me as much as I love you." The smile I was holding up faltered at his last comment.
"Right. We should get going to our party baby." I closed the door to the previous conversation. I felt a knot in my stomach grow bigger and bigger as we reached my parents home for the party. Upon arrival, Seiya ran to open my door.
"For you my dear, he said holding up a rectangular box wrapped in a red ribbon. He had a weird pleased expression on his face.
"Thank you." I whispered, preparing to open it.
"No! Save it for later." I looked at him weird and pocketed the gift.
We walked in, the room erupted with congratulations All this for the announcement of eternal devotion. My stomach heaved at the thought. I was swept this way and that way. My mind began to clutter again. My doubts started to swim around me.
It was an hour into the party when I needed fresh air. I went to a corner of the back yard where no one could see me. I felt as if I was living a lie. That I couldn't be happy marrying Seiya. I would be better off alone. I couldn't let this continue. I'd provide my own security, I had a degree. I would do this all by myself. I know it is better be with the man who loves me, but It's also better to be happy alone.
"Usa! I was wondering where you went!" He said grabbing me gently. "You're so precious..don't run off and not tell me where you are." The kindness and love in his voice made my stomach heave once more.
"Seiya," I began, while tears were forming into my eyes, "I can't do this. I need.. I don't know. I don't need this."
"You know?! Usa I'm here for you." He said wrapping his arms around me.
"No that's not what I want Seiya! I want, God, I want-" I was cut off.
"Me." I heard a deep voice from behind me. "Tell me you want me Usako."
My eyes enlarged in fear. "Mamo.."
"What the hell are you talking about Mamoru?" Seiya asked with a slight smile on his face thinking this was a big joke.
"Usako, I can't go on thinking I can't see you again, hold you again, share my bed with you again. Usako, I love you." I heard the desperation in Mamoru's voice. I turned to meet his eyes. Oh God, his eyes.
"I want. I want.. Seiya, I want Mamoru.", my voice said as it exited my mouth.
"Usagi? What's going on?" Seiya asked me in a cautious voice.
"Usako, ever since I left you that day, my heart has been empty, my soul shattered. Ever since I shared my bed with you, I wanted you next to me everyday." Mamoru continued his confessions to me, in front of Seiya.
"You slept with him?!" I heard Seiya whisper.
"I..I.." I couldn't speak. This was a nightmare. Everything I concealed came to light all at one moment. I looked to the ground. "Yes" I answered him. I was ashamed.
"When Usagi?" I was silent "DAMNIT Usagi when?!?" I jumped as he yelled at me.
"I don't know, it was a month ago, OK?!?" I yelled back.
"Don't raise your voice to her!" Mamoru stepped to Seiya in my defense. I felt so sick at that moment. I began to throw up.
"Shut the fuck up you bastard!" Seiya yelled at Mamoru then turned to me. "Who's is it?"
"What the fuck do you mean, whose is it? We aren't in bed!" I yelled at him, embarrassed at the way he referred to my body.
"Don't play dumb with me Usagi!." He reached in my pocket pulled out my gift I was to save for later and ripped it open. He opened a gold box and held a stick with a pink cross in the window in front of my face. Tears welled up in my eyes at the realization of what it was. Mamoru's eyes shot wide open, knowing the possibilities. Seiya's eyes were watered and he asked me once more in a broken voice, "Who's baby is it?"
**
I say gawd damn! Just when you think it may get better eh? Almost at the end. Review please. ~Lady Imp.