A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS:
Well, if you're watching this CHRISTMAS SPECIAL hopefully you've watched the original shows: the "Afterlife Coffee Break" and "Return of the Afterlife Coffee Break." Lucky for you, there's no real connection to "The Real Dead Special." And just to cover our asses, here are some warnings:
Warnings: Language, violence (elves and bazookas…), OOC, blatant and shameless rip-offs of cooler things, original character alert. SPOILERS. HORRIBLE, horrible SPOILERS for COWBOY BEBOP, TRIGUN, FINAL FANTASY VII, and others. YOU NO WATCH? YOU NO READ! How's that for a warning? Did we mention the fucking awful language?
Disclaimer: All that happy bullshit about now owning the characters and ideas. Yeah, we have to say it, but we don't really mean it. WE OWN EVERYTHING. WE MAKE LOTS OF MONEY ALL THE TIME. WE ARE ALSO HORRIBLE LIARS.
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THE AFTERLIFE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!
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PLANET GUNSMOKE: Believe it or not, it's Christmas there too! In a barren desert setting, DR. CLICHÉ stands before a camera crew, wearing a Santa hat. All around him are cardboard cutouts of holiday figures. Santa's Reindeer and Frosty surround him in a menacing fashion…He tries to smile at the camera, but just looks pained.
DR. CLICHÉ: (with a suspicious, drunken slur) Well kids…It's Christmas. And since we've been…busy, and it's been awhile since we last aired a show, let me remind you of what's happened. Heaven blew up. It was blasted into itsy, bitsy, little pieces. IT WENT BOOM. There's nothing left of it. Even better, the entire cast of the "Afterlife Coffee Break" and the "Afterlife…" whatever, landed here on PLANET GUNSMOKE…the most vile, stupid, useless planet ever created. We've been stuck here for months. Do you hear me? MONTHS. I'd be lying if I said we were happy about it. By "we" I mean:
NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD (The camera pans to WOLFWOOD who is slouching by a cardboard cutout of a Christmas tree, smoking a cigarette. He looks decidedly un-festive even though he's wearing a cute little elf hat...Every once in awhile he mutters under his breath, "Fuck Christmas…and Santa too…")
LEGATO BLUESUMMERS (The camera swivels to the left where LEGATO is wearing antlers and holding a candy cane. He has carefully hung tinsel from his shoulder spike…)
SPIKE SPIEGEL (The camera switches to an interior setting where SPIKE is asleep on a couch. He's wearing a t-shirt that reads: I've got your Christmas RIGHT HERE! It has a very unflattering image of Santa doing thing unspeakable…)
REM SAVEREM (In the same room as SPIKE, REM is carefully decorating a Christmas tree and singing "Soundlife" to the tune of "Jingle Bells"….go ahead and TRY it…not so easy, huh?)
AERIS GAINSBOROUGH (Beside REM, AERIS is placing garland across a window while happily sipping away at a very strong glass of eggnog. Occasionally she hiccups and mutters something about "This is all Cloud's fault" …)
VICIOUS (No last name. Too evil.) (VICIOUS is doing his part for the holiday by chasing a tomas around with a sword. He has assured everyone that it will taste "just like ham" once he bakes it at 425 degrees Fahrenheit for six hours…)
SEPHIROTH (No last name. Not evil enough) (Dancing around the kitchen cheerfully, SEPHIROTH is making cookies while singing "Aeris Got Run Over By a Reindeer." He methodically decorates the delicious sugar cookies to look like very familiar people. Finally finished, he grabs a cookie with spiky, yellow icing for hair and stabs it. Repeatedly. Wth Masamune. His sword. It's big.)
MILLY THOMPSON (Also in the kitchen, MILLY ignores SEPHIROTH who is now chanting "Die Tifa! All cookies must die!" She occupies herself making holiday pudding and writing a shopping list for all the Minnie Gung Ho Guns…)
KNIVES MILLIONS (In a room by himself, KNIVES makes a gingerbread house hoping nobody sees him. He chuckles like a schoolgirl when he puts gumdrops along the roof and makes a fence out of candy canes…)
VASH THE STAMPEDE (In town, VASH brings presents to all the little boys and girls. It makes sense…he DOES wear all red…)
MERYL STRIFE (Follows VASH around, taking all the toys away from the children just in case they prove to be dangerous…)
DR. CLICHÉ: And then there's me. I've been drinking heavily and passing out for days at a time.
WOLFWOOD: HERE, HERE!
DR. CLICHÉ: Today, we've got a grab bag of special, holiday treats that the show's sponsors forced us to create because, as they say, "They're not paying us to sit around on a desert planet feeling sorry for ourselves…" So we threw together a cheap production to keep them happy. Everything is cheesy, poorly executed and lacking in originality. We hope you like it. We also hope the producers leave us alone so we can go back to feeling sorry for ourselves. Wolfwood, why don't you tell them about today's exciting production?
WOLFWOOD: (scowling) Those psychotic bastards are going to sing you a little song.
DR. CLICHÉ: (cutting a look at WOLFWOOD) Ahem! He means that Legato and Knives have prepared a lively rendition of the "Carol of the Bells" for us. Take it away!
Curtains open and the camera cuts to LEGATO BLUESUMMERS, filmed in CLOSE-UP. He stares at the camera, unblinking and expressionless, wearing a very nice tuxedo…with a skull on the shoulder…
LEGATO: Ahem. (he begins singing…)
Die human scum
Weak human scum
Hear as I say:
"Please go away"
Knives, he will rise
Bringing demise
To young and old
Meek and the bold
KNIVES suddenly appears, riding in a massive tank decorated in tiny golden bells and festive bows. He plows through Santa's Workshop, taking out elves and reindeer left and right. He sings the whole time, which is just disturbing…
KNIVES:
ROT, DIE, ROT, DIE!
That is my cry
With my big gun
I'll make them run
Humans must burn
All Plants should learn
We'll kill them soon
Bring on the doom!
LEGATO reappears in a Santa suit…with a skull on the shoulder. He's holding a bazooka, taking aim at any citizens dumb enough to get in his way…
LEGATO:
Oh so high we pile bones!
Loud they will scream
It's like a dream
While murdering
Master will sing:
Bloody, bloody, bloody, bloody Christmas!
Bloody, bloody, bloody, bloody Christmas!
KNIVES:
To hell we will send
Humans to end
Their useless lives
(Softly) Save butterflies….
LEGATO AND KNIVES: (in perfect harmony) DIE, ROT, DIE, ROT…..DIE!!! (they happily tromp through the town, blowing things up…)
The curtain closes in front of the scene…or what's left of it….
DR. CLICHÉ:……..
SPIKE:…….
SEPHIROTH: That was beautiful…
REM: I'm gonna be sick….
DR. CLICHÉ: ……Okay! Now that we've probably lost our sponsors forever, who gives a fuck what we put on the air! So get ready for our rendition of a holiday classic! "It's a Wonderful Afterlife!"
A curtain opens on KNIVES who is studying a town from a cliff.
DR. CLICHÉ: (opens a book entitled "How the Plant Killed Everyone….at Christmas." He clears his throat and begins to read in a soothing voice usually reserved for children and idiots.)
Every human
Down in July
Liked Christmas a lot...
But the Plant,
Who lived just North of July,
Did NOT!
The Plant hated humans! Every one of the human kind!
Now, please don't ask why. The reason's not easy to find.
It could be that his regeneration didn't go just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his space suit was too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was fifty sizes too small.
AERIS: Fifty? FIFTY sizes too small? Isn't that extreme?
SEPHIROTH: It's an understatement if you ask me…
REM: I tend to agree…
DR. CLICHÉ: (ignores them)
But,
Whatever the reason,
His suit or his sanity,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating humanity,
Staring down from his cliff with a sour, evil frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every human in the city beneath
Was busy abusing his siblings to warm up their feet…
KNIVES:
"And they're breathing my air!" he snarled like a villain.
"They're living it up! On my planet just chillin'!"
Then he growled, with his trigger finger nervously twitching,
"I MUST find a way kill them without Vash bitching!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...
Suddenly, WOLFWOOD interrupts from off stage.
WOLFWOOD: EXCUSE ME! This is SUPPOSED to be "It's a Wonderful Afterlife"…did anybody ask you to steal Dr. Seuss? What the hell are you doing?
MILLY: I like rhymes…
DR. CLICHÉ: Hmmm…he DOES have a point…maybe we should stick to just ONE bad rip-off and leave the Grinch alone…
KNIVES: Thank you…I hate rhyming.
SEPHIROTH: Could it be because YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO RHYME? [1]
KNIVES: Fuck you.
DR. CLICHÉ: Ahem…in any event. It occurred to KNIVES that he had failed miserably in his goal to destroy humanity. Everywhere he looked, there they were. And finally KNIVES had had enough.
KNIVES: I CAN'T live like this anymore! I wish I'd never been born!
He jumps from the cliff, ready to end it all…when suddenly, the SWORDFISH swoops down and catches him. The snazzy, red ship lands on the cliff, depositing KNIVES safely on solid ground. A second later, SPIKE hops out.
SPIKE: Geez man! You're the biggest mosquito I've ever seen.
KNIVES: I'm a "Plant," thank you. A superior being.
SPIKE: Whatever. Oh yeah…my name is Spik….er… "Clarence"…
WOLFWOOD: (from off stage) "Clarence"? SMOOTH Spike, real smooth…
SPIKE flips him off.
KNIVES: Clarence? Who are you?
SPIKE: I'm like…your guardian angel and stuff.
KNIVES: Why the fuck do I need one of those?
SPIKE: Oh lay off it! It's a cheesy Christmas special! God! Anyway, I'm here to grant your wish. You were never born.
KNIVES: What the hell are you talking about? I'm right here!
SPIKE: Fine, don't believe me? Why don't you go into the nice, quaint, tiny, little town down there and see what happens…
KNIVES: Er…can I kill anyone?
SPIKE: Um…well, okay.
KNIVES: Thanks! (he skips off happily to the town but stops cold when he gets there.)
THE NICE, QUAINT, TINY, LITTLE TOWN isn't so tiny or little anymore. The place is covered in shopping malls, adorable houses with central heating and Starbuck's Coffee houses. The population of the town has quadrupled. Pine trees are decorated everywhere, Christmas music blasts over the loud speaker and worse…all the stinking humans are…smiling…
KNIVES: (falling to his knees in horror) NOOOOOOOO!!!!
SPIKE: Wow, they've got porno shops here too…
KNIVES: How could this be? How?
SPIKE: Um…remember that whole ships exploding and crashing thing?
KNIVES: Uh…yeah?
SPIKE: You were never around to blow the things to smithereens. All the people landed here safely. You'll find that the population is five to twenty times larger everywhere you go…
KNIVES: No. No! This is…hideous…there are so many of them! I…I must kill!!!
SPIKE: Wait a minute here…don't you at least want to see your brother?
KNIVES: Vash? Vash is here?
SPIKE: Yep. Let's go visit, shall we?
The two stroll through the town. KNIVES wants to shoot everything in sight but finds it difficult with so many targets…so many happy, smiling, joyful targets. Eventually, they arrive at a large mansion at the center of the town. There's a party going on and the doors of the pristine building are open, so KNIVES and SPIKE just go on in. Inside, VASH is standing beside MERYL amongst a cheery gathering. The whole crowd chatters and mingles while a fire crackles warmly in the background.
KNIVES: What's going on?
SPIKE: Just watch…
VASH: (taps his glass with a fork to get everyone's attention.) Ahem! Well, thank you all for coming! Merry Christmas!
The crowd cheers until VASH silences them again.
VASH: I want to say how wonderful it is for you to come today for our fifth annual Christmas party! My wife worked very hard on this and it means a lot to her. I'd say she did a fine job!
MERYL: (blushing and clutching onto VASH'S arm) Well…I just want everyone to have a good time!
KNIVES: (is very pale and sweating) Wife….WIFE? He married that HAG? What the hell?
From somewhere in the crowd, KNIVES hears a familiar voice…
WOLFWOOD: Three cheers to the mayor and his wife! This is his fifth year in office and we've never had such a low crime rate!
ALL: Hip, hip, hooray!
KNIVES: Low….crime? What kinda freak city is this?
VASH: And three cheers to Deacon Wolfwood, an upstanding member of our community! His sermons have filled the churches for four years in a row!
ALL: Hip, hip, hooray!
KNIVES: Filled the churches? With DEAD BODIES I hope…
SPIKE: Nope, they're alive and everything.
KNIVES: Shit.
MERYL: Oh! Look who's here! It's Senator Bluesummers! Congratulations on your new environmental bill! It's really wonderful to have a politician who cares so much!
LEGATO: (struts into the room in a suit and tie. WITHOUT a skull or spikes…he actually looks…normal?) Thank you, thank you! Just doing my part to help save the adorable, fuzzy creatures of the world. Hello all! Merry Christmas! Isn't it great to be alive! Oh look, eggnog! Hey Wolfwood! Nice sweater!
WOLFWOOD: Thanks! Milly just loves to knit! Is that a new tie?
LEGATO: Yeah, a present from the wife!
WOLFWOOD: Dominique sure has great taste! Tell her and the kids I said "hi"! Hey everybody: Let's party!
As the crowd cheers, KNIVES passes out.
SPIKE: Geez! Pull yourself together! (he grabs the fainted Plant and drags him out of the house)
KNIVES comes to and falls on his knees before SPIKE.
KNIVES: Take me back! I…I…I wanna live!
SPIKE: Uh? What are you talking about? Life is actually GOOD without you!
KNIVES: I know! Please! End this horrible nightmare! I want to kill, and make people suffer! I want to watch humans struggle on a barren planet with no water and no happy mayors or senators or deacons or wives who knit and throw parties! This is HELL! Do you hear me? HELL!
SPIKE: You're an evil bastard, you know that, right? Oh fine. Okay, everything's back the way it was. People are miserable; there are no bright, gorgeous towns and smiling children. Nobody sings carols or celebrates at all. Happy?
KNIVES: Yes!
DR. CLICHÉ:……And so, Knives returned to his God-forsaken reality and promptly returned to hatching maniacal schemes to make the suffering people suffer even more. The end.
The curtains close and everyone just sits dumbfounded.
REM: That has to be the most disturbing thing I've ever seen…
VICIOUS: Guess you've never seen Spike drunk…
REM: I have, but that was worse.
DR. CLICHÉ: And on that note, I think we'll wrap things up for today. Get it? Wrap? Christmas? Presents? You know 'cause you…wrap…presents….ahem. GOODNIGHT!
The Cast waves unenthusiastically at the camera and the curtain closes.
To Be Continued...?
[1] See! It's a carried-over joke! Remember? From the other shows? Hey! Did you people even read them? Yeesh!