Rated: No clue. Probably PG-13 for swearing
Summary: Harry Potter is like, a full-fledged Christian now because of an incident that included something of Fred and George's and then some Angel-thing-people… More humorous than it sounds. R/R please!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, you hear?! NOTHING!!!!! Mwahahahaha!!!!!
A/N: Hello, all. Again. Some people (you know who you are, but also listed above) have given me this brilliant idea (mixed along with their own ideas) to write this fanfic…
*******IT'S SATIRE! REMEMBER THAT!*******
I am merely making my statement in the present controversy about how everyone thinks Harry Potter is"Evil."
I do not believe in this absurdity I've written about. No flames, please.
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Chapter One: The Humiliatingly Pathetic Vision of Angels
What's his name… oh yeah, Harry Potter, you know, the Boy-Who-Lived who survived a curse from the man-who-let-the-boy-live? Yeah. Him… That's who this fic is about.
Anyway, let's get to the Humiliatingly Pathetic Vision… he was at his ridiculously fat uncle's and his thin-as-bone aunt's house for the summer, cause, ya know, he goes to this rockin' school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where he like, learns magic and stuff. Well he was there and in the living room of that, when all of a sudden, his unbelievably large porker of a cousin Dudley dropped his seventeen-hundredth helping of a heart-healthy meal including bananna-dipped radishes and other various items that discluded any fat of much sort, onto the floor at breakfast and decided that he was too lazy to pick it up himself (also because of the obvious fact that he couldn't really bend down and get it on his own) so he just left it there.
But really, that's not important…
And the Dursleys, you know, the porker family (minus the Petunia lady… absurd, really…), all decided to go out for a movie (Ironically called 'The Humiliatingly Pathetic Vision of the Devil"...) because it was the youngest chum's birthday.
And that's when the coolest ickle chum woke up. He was lying in this like, torn, old, and flat bed with the covers covering him up (what else would they do, of course?), when he suddenly snapped awake as his alarm clock set off... and no, it's not magically set.
"Duuude," a voice said quietly from it, sounding ridiculously like those dorky guys that are in The Three Ninjas movies. "Duuuuuuude, wake up, man, we gotta like, do something today…"
When Harry just rolled over onto his side, the guy in the little box screamed, "DUDE!!! GET YOUR LAZY ASS UP NOW, CUZ YOU GOT LIKE A FULL DAY AHEAD OF YOU, DUDE!!!"
Harry snapped awake and suddenly had Dudley's old baseball bat from a couple years ago that was broken at the end. He smacked the alarm clock precisely four hundred, thirty six, and three-fourths times until he was satisfied with it lying on the floor completely and utterly ruined beyond repair and strangely demented.
Harry, very satisfied with himself, lay back down onto his pillow and shut his eyes. A few moments of silence, and then:
"Duuuuuuuude…" it whispered again. Harry's eyes snapped wide open and he got an angry look on his face.
Sitting up, he turned to his demented alarm clock with the surfer-dude voice and got out of his bed.
"If you don't shut up, I am going to hex you to next week." Harry said, grabbing his wand and pointing it at the black demented shape on his floor.
"DUDE!!! I come in peace!!! I just wanna tell you that you like, got a letter er like a package er something cuz there's a llama at your window, dude!!!" the alarm clock said, very alarmed. (How ironic….)
Harry looked at his window and saw Erroll. "Dude, that's an owl."
"Same difference, dude!!! It's just out to get me!!! STUPID LLAMAS!!!!!"
And with that, the alarm clock shuffled its demented self under Harry's bed.
Harry, rolling his eyes at the painstakingly pathetic little demented alarm clock (that's a lot of describing words… whew. lol), got up and went to his window, letting the old owl in to rest for a while.
So it flew about four inches into his room when it collapsed onto his desk, spilling ink, quills, and parchment, even though I'm not sure how quills and parchment can be spilled. But hey, this is my fic, right?
Harry took the letter and package from the owl that was lying on his desk unconscious (you'd think that Harry would move the bloody owl to Hedwig's cage, but noooo… he has to go and let him lay there, unconscious, so that the ink and parchment and quills could just keep spilling… -sigh- Oh well.) and he opened the letter.
(A/N: Fred and George)
Yo, what's crackin mah G-dawggie dawgg? It's Fred and George and we are in da HOOOUUUUUSE Foshizzo my nizzo, yo!!! Stop that, George, Harry will think you're insane. I'm confused. Doesn't he already? Hey-
Sorry. Dad just got us Muggle Television and he has been watching way too much MTV. So have I… but I'm still sane. I ain't about to go and talk up in da hizzle like dis, you know? Haha. Anyway, Harry, we would like to share with you our new invention! It's called, brilliantly named by me, "Hallucenogenic Toffee." It's great, trust me… I'm sure you'll like to try it ~` | GEORGE!!! Sorry, he keeps knocking the qui
Yo! We out dawgg! Peace! Thanx for da money, we be checkin up on you bro!!!
Forge and Gred
Harry sighed and grinned. He understood all of that. After all, he grew up with the porker Muggles and their ridiculous habits. He grabbed the parcel and opened it, desperate to find out what Hallucengenic Toffee was and what the hell Hallucengenic meant.
It was very plain and very ordinary-looking- fluorescent orange and bright pink polka-dotted with specks of green inside each polka dot- and a few white stripes here and there. Like I said, it was very plain and ordinary looking.
Harry hesitated, but then shrugged. It can't be too bad… he thought, as he popped it into his mouth.
Suddenly, he went rigid. His eyes rolled into the back of his head and he shook violently, until he stopped and his eyes closed.
Everything was black, until suddenly, Harry saw a light. He walked towards it, it getting brighter with each step. He covered his eyes and squinted. The light dimmed, and a beautiful girl with flowing wavy blonde hair came floating down to him. She was wearing all white, and a golden circle hovered just above her head.
"Have I, by any unnatural reason or chance… died?" Harry questioned. The angel laughed as she landed, folding in her powerful and majestic wings.
"Of course not, silly. What would this angelic scene with the bright light be if you died? I mean… you're the main focus of writing these fanfics aren't you?" She had a smooth, silky voice.
Harry paused, shrugged, and nodded, remembering his publicity. "Then why are you here?"
"Well it's all quite simple really. The Big Guy upstairs sent me down here to tell you not to do magic. The Muggle Way will get you upstairs, and with cursed magic will keep you downstairs in the heat and dark… if you catch my drift."
"Huh?" Harry asked, quite confused.
"Quit doing magic! If you don't, you'll go to hell!"
"But, I don't believe in hell-"
"THAT DOESN'T MATTER!!!!!" The Angel screamed. Harry thought she could've been part-veela… but she wasn't nearly as beautiful.
"So… what if I'm atheist?"
"You can't be. It's not allowed."
"Well… that's conceited. I have my right to my own beliefs, woman!"
"Quit magic or else…"
"Look woman, in case you haven't checked in on what's happening back on earth, but I have to save the entire world from Lord Voldemort because he's back and he's out to kill us all. So, if you don't mind, I'd like to wake up now." Harry said, turning around to see if he could see himself lying unconscious anywhere. That's what happens in movies, don't you know.
He turned back around and the angel hit him on the head with a frying pan, and the bright light disappeared once again and Harry awoke.
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Well, what do you think? Reviews are appreciated. Flames are not. It's just supposed to be humorous. I don't believe anything that I typed here! I don't believe that the Harry Potter series is evil, or that JK Rowling is out to get us all with her magic! Trust me. If I did, I wouldn't be here! ^___^
R/R please, and thank you so much for your reviews!
Special thanks goes out to:
Cyropi
Yoshi-Fan2003
AmethystStar
^__^ Thanks you guys! I wouldn't have made this without your splendid idea! ^__^