Chapter Three: Withdrawal
The prisoner opened his eyes only to have blood drip into them from a cut on his brow. With his hands held fast to the stonewall at his back there was nothing he could do to remedy the situation, so he decided the best thing to do was to simply close them again. Safer, too. Alas, he was too late. His small movement was noticed by the thin figure who'd been avidly watching for any sign of returning consciousness. Once more the prisoner was assaulted by the querulous voice.
"Pretending to be unconscious won't change anything for you, you know. I've been torturing people for a long time…I know when a subject is awake or not. My Lord is most eager for me to pick your brain, traitor. It's always so important with traitors to know what secrets have been passed along, after all. Your knowledge of the plans of the enemy is also invaluable, so we have a lot of work ahead of us. My Lord doesn't want you permanently damaged at the moment, so I do have to be more creative than usual, but that's part of the art and challenge of a true torturer, after all. You've been quite stubborn so far, that's simply going to have to change if we're to get along, at all. Perhaps you're holding on to hope of rescue, but you shouldn't. No one will be looking for you, traitor. No one at all."
Suddenly the prisoner jumped and jerked against his bonds as a very sharp blade was delicately run down over his breastbone leaving a thin line of red in its wake.
The voice chuckled happily. "I've always preferred the old methods of extracting secrets to the more modern magical means anyway. After all, torture should be painful, shouldn't it? And Imperius is so warm and fuzzy…hardly torture, at all, and although My Lord doesn't want you permanently damaged, he is very eager that you should suffer for your betrayal…very…eager."
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After several weeks spent in the infirmary, Poppy felt Evangeline was well enough to leave. Physically she'd completely recovered from her devastating shock and miscarriage. Emotionally, though was quite another matter. Her whole world had been destroyed; putting the broken pieces back together was going to be a long tortuous process. And the final result would never be the same with such essential pieces missing forever. So not surprisingly, she wasn't exactly herself. Her manner had become cold and withdrawn with everyone, and she never smiled for any reason.
Remus Lupin walked with her down to the quarters in the dungeon that she'd shared with Severus. Fearful of letting her go into them alone, he'd insisting on staying by her side when she made her first attempt to return to them. She hadn't argued…she rarely did. It would've taken far more effort than she was willing to devote to anything at the moment. Thinking and feeling were things she hoped to avoid at all costs.
Hoping for the strength to do this most painful task, Evangeline laid a hand on the doorknob and paused for a moment. Then she bowed her head and swung the door open. Upon entering the familiar room, she looked around. Someone had tidied up a bit since she'd last been here. The fireplace was empty…as was the top of Severus' desk. That made her pause. It looked so strange. Never in all the time she'd known him had Severus' desk been empty. There were always scrolls and bits of parchment covering its surface. Student essays or exams…research papers…bottles containing hideous pickled horrors of one sort or another were a common sight, but never was it completely clear.
Slowly she crossed the room and gazed at her blurry reflection in its polished surface, caressing it gently with her fingertips. He truly was gone. No clearer sign could exist.
Stiffly she raised her head and turned to the door of the bedroom. With reluctant steps, she forced herself to walk over and push against the door and enter. Lupin refrained from any comment, but he stayed glued to her heels, waiting.
Her eyes roamed the room carefully. The door to Severus' wardrobe was still ajar, as he'd left it on that last morning of her life. She walked over and shut it firmly, not daring to take a look inside. As thoughts of him began to overwhelm her, she abruptly turned away from the wardrobe and found herself face to face with their bed. With a hesitant hand, she reached out and fingered the green curtains and glanced down at the coverlet with her carelessly discarded nightgown still lying on top. He'd removed that from her body the last time he'd…
Suddenly she seemed to melt into herself. Her legs could no longer support her, and she sank to her knees and rested her head against the side of the bed. Silent tears coursed down her cheeks, and her body shuddered painfully. Remus knelt beside her and put sheltering arms around her. She whispered into his shoulder.
"I shouldn't have come back here, Remus. I can't stay here anymore. Not without him. I can't…please, don't make me."
He blinked back his own tears and caressed her hair comfortingly. "No one would ever make you do anything you don't want to do, Evangeline. You don't have to stay here. Your old quarters upstairs are waiting for you…or if you'd rather, I'm sure you can have a completely different room to stay in. It won't be a problem, Angel."
Grateful for his understanding, she gave a nod. "Somewhere new, I think," she whispered softly. "Although, there aren't too many rooms in the castle which don't have memories in them. Damn Severus and his thoroughness. He never could resist a challenge."
Lupin smiled faintly and nodded. A glimpse of humor was an unexpectedly good sign he thought. Gently he helped her to her feet, and the two of them turned and left the dungeon and all of its painful memories behind.
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Halloween came and went and the year rushed onward into the chill of November. Evangeline regained enough strength to be able to once more reenter Snape's dungeon quarters and begin the horrid chore of packing up his things for storage. Taking the opportunity to say a private farewell to her husband, as she lovingly handled each of his possessions one final time before laying them to rest. She refused all offers of help, of which there were many, preferring to manage on her own.
Alone was the way she preferred to spend all of her time if possible. She avoided the Great Hall like the plague. The only people whose company she seemed comfortable with were Remus, Minerva, and surprisingly Argus Filch. Mrs. Norris, too, seemed to spend quite a bit of her time in the dungeons with the sad widow, purring about her ankles as she packed up her late husband's life into a series of wooden boxes and nailed them shut.
Filch carried another large wooden crate into Snape's sitting room and set it carefully on the floor, then he turned soberly to the woman in the black gown and nodded respectfully. "That's the last of the boxes from the storeroom, Miss Evangeline. Do you think it'll be enough? I can try to find more if you think you'll need them."
Evangeline straightened up from the box that she was in the process of filling with Severus' precious books and stared at the new addition with empty tired eyes. "I think this'll be enough, Filch. I've already packed up his office and taken anything personal from his classroom. This is all that's left. Thank you. I really do appreciate all the help you've given to me."
Embarrassed at being thanked for just doing what he considered to be his job, he ducked his head and muttered, "It's no trouble. I'm glad I could help. Is there anything else you need me to do for you?"
She gazed at him soberly for a moment then slowly shook her head. "No. I'll need you to put the boxes in storage when I'm through, but until I get them all packed up, I can't think of anything else I need."
He nodded, loath to leave her alone coping with such a sad job.
As he hesitated, Evangeline gave him a small smile and asked, "Have you met the new Potions teacher yet? I understand she started work today."
Filch sighed. "She did. I haven't met her officially. I did see her getting shown around by the Headmaster, but he didn't introduce me. Have you met her?" he asked reluctantly.
Evangeline shook her head. "No. I hope to be spared that. She's thankfully been given other quarters. Things will certainly be different around here now. I suppose the students will be happy to be getting a new professor. Severus was never popular with them. Before long, I suppose no one will even think about him, at all. It'll be like he never even existed."
She looked down at the book she held in her trembling hand and her eyes sparkled with new tears, as Mrs. Norris purred more loudly and rubbed her head against Evangeline's ankle.
"Not to me," Filch stated quietly. "I don't think I'll be alone, either. Professor Snape wasn't the kind of person it'll be easy to forget. He was a very important person around here for a long time, and no little Potions instructor fresh out of school is going to be able to fill his shoes. He's not that easy to replace, and Professor Carstairs isn't likely to be able to hold a candle to him. Oh, the students are going to think they've got it easy for awhile, but sooner or later…probably about the time they take their next batch of exams, they're going to realize just how much Professor Snape taught them. They'll come to miss him, too. You just wait and see if they don't."
She looked up and met his concerned gaze. "Thank you, Argus," she whispered. Putting down the book in her hands, she crossed the room and gave the startled caretaker a sudden hug. Embarrassed to be caught being sympathetic, he patted her back awkwardly and cleared his throat several times. She pulled back and smiled kindly at him once more, then turned away and went back to pick up the book she'd dropped.
Filch headed for the door and paused in the entrance to add, "Just let me know when you want the boxes moved, and I'll take care of it right away."
She nodded to him. "I will, thank you." Then she turned away from him to continue with her onerous task. He watched her quietly for a moment, then silently turned and left the room. Leaving Mrs. Norris to continue her vigil over the lonely woman.
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Once this last burdensome task was finally accomplished, Evangeline approached Minerva McGonagall one cold afternoon and asked for a bit of her time.
Minerva opened her door wider and beckoned Evangeline inside. "Come in, Evangeline. Of course, I can spare you some time. All the time you need. It's always a pleasure to see you, you know that." She smiled warmly. "Would you like some tea? The house elves just brought it so it's fresh and hot."
Evangeline nodded. "That would be very nice, Minerva. Thank you."
The two of them settled, a bit uneasily, into chairs on opposite sides of a small table on which rested a silver tea service. Minerva filled two porcelain cups and fixed them to order, then she leaned back to wait for Evangeline to tell her why she'd come.
"I've decided that I need to leave Hogwarts, Minerva. As soon as possible."
Fear sprang to Minerva's eyes. "Are you sure that's wise, Evangeline, dear? The Dark Lord is still eager to get his hands on you. Where could you go where you'd be as safe as you are here?"
Evangeline shook her head sadly. "I've been hurt more deeply here at Hogwarts than I ever have been anywhere else. I don't really think safety is a good argument to use on me at the moment. I'll be careful, but what happens to me isn't really that important to me anymore." She paused and took a deep breath.
"I just can't stay here any longer with all the pain and memories that haunt me here. Severus is everywhere I look. I see his face in everyone I come across; I hear his voice in the corridors, the whisper of his robes. His footsteps follow me all over the castle, echoing on the stones. If I don't leave, one of these mornings you'll find me at the foot of the Astronomy tower. I can't take much more of being here. It's time to go."
Minerva nodded sadly. "I understand. Where will you go, Evangeline?"
Twisting her fingers together in her lap, she looked down. "My father's sister had a cottage on the coast of Cornwall that I used to visit sometimes as a child. It's mine now, although I've never taken the time to go there as an adult. I doubt if Voldemort even knows about it. It's isolated and quiet and exactly what I need at the moment."
Minerva frowned in concern. "I'm not sure that being alone is what you need at the moment, dear."
The unhappy witch's head snapped up abruptly and she stared seriously at her friend. "My mind is made up, Minerva. I am going. I had Eleanor quietly transfer funds from both Severus' and my accounts into a new one under an assumed name. I plan to leave first thing in the morning. I wanted to tell you because you mean so much to me, and I couldn't leave without saying goodbye to you. But I don't want you to tell anyone else where I've gone. Will you do that for me?"
Minerva's eyes were rather red by this time as she held in her tears. "Aren't you saying good bye to anyone else? Everyone will be devastated to discover you've gone, you know."
Evangeline rose from her chair and crossed the room to look out the window. "I just can't face a string of long good byes. And I don't want anyone to come after me. I need time alone."
"You aren't even going to tell Remus where you're going?" Minerva asked quietly.
Evangeline shook her head. "No. He needs to move on with his life. He was starting to do that when Severus…when this all happened…now I've shoved it off track again. I'm the last thing he needs in his life… messing things up. Please, don't tell him where I've gone. Promise me?" She turned and stared earnestly at her friend, her voice thick with pain and suppressed tears.
Minerva stood and went to join her at the window. "All right, Evangeline. I won't tell him." Then she paused and added quietly, "And what about Albus?"
Evangeline's face went as rigid as granite. Her eyes flashed with deep anger. "I never want to see or hear from Albus Dumbledore again. Tell that man anything about me or my life…and we are no longer friends."
Minerva went slightly pale when faced with the raw hatred that flowed from her friend like poison. She nodded quickly. "I'm so sorry that you feel that way, but I promise, I won't tell him anything." She hesitated and then added softly, "May I visit you…once you've settled in?"
Evangeline's features softened and she nodded. "Not too soon, but yes, I'll always be happy to see you."
Minerva put her arms around the younger woman and hugged her tightly. Hoping fervently that this was the right thing for her to do, and that this wouldn't be the last time she saw this woman who felt almost like a daughter to her.
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After her talk with Minerva, Evangeline returned to her room to finish up her packing. She took a roundabout route to get back to her chamber for the night taking some time to visit with all of the many friends she'd made over the last year within the castle's painted realm. It was hard to go around and talk to everyone knowing that they'd all want to extend their condolences once more, but Evangeline couldn't envision a reason to ever set foot in Hogwarts castle again, even within the painted realm, and she wanted to be sure that she'd said goodbye to all of the paintings that had come to mean so much to her. Although, she didn't tell them it was goodbye, instead merely seeming to be casually visiting. She knew that she couldn't have stood the pain of actually having to say farewell to everyone. In so many ways, it was going to be very hard to leave, but she knew in her heart that it would be much harder to stay.
Once she'd closed her bag, she placed it on the bed and shrunk it down to a manageable size and then placed it on a table with the few other boxes and bags that were to follow her from Hogwarts to her new home. Then she stood in the middle of the chamber and simply stared numbly around her at the four empty walls of her small room. Now what? She knew she wouldn't get much if any sleep tonight. Every time she closed her eyes, all she saw was Severus. Over and over it was always the same dream. He'd stand there and open his arms wide as if to hold her, but when she moved to enter his loving embrace she couldn't ever get there. No matter what she did, he was always just out of reach. She'd awaken drenched in sweat after this dream over and over again all night long. It hardly seemed worth the pain to even try to sleep…it was simply impossible.
She shivered at the thought of going to bed and instead threw herself down into a chair before the fire and focused her empty eyes on the flames. The dance of the fire was enthralling…almost hypnotic. If she tried hard enough, she could empty her mind completely and think of nothing except the fire and how the bright colors blended and swirled in unending meaningless and mesmerizing patterns. Suddenly she lifted her eyes from the flames and actually looked at the bricks on the edge of the hearth. How odd. There was something there that hadn't been there before. Something new…but not unfamiliar.
Shining in the firelight on the bricks that ringed the opening of the fireplace was a small silver serpent. The last time she'd laid eyes on the little snake it had been attached to the back of the fireplace in the Slytherin common room. Severus had told her that it hadn't been there before. Apparently he'd been right. It must travel around, appearing wherever it wished. How interesting. Why was it here? Why now with Severus gone? Could it be here for her?
For the first time since she'd opened that horrid box, she felt the prickle of curiosity in the back of her mind. Before this, nothing could rouse her interest, but this tiny silver snake…herald of Slytherin himself in a way, had managed to reawaken her interest in something outside the utter emptiness and despair of her mind. She rose from her chair and stepped closer to the fire. Reaching out a trembling hand, she touched the tiny reptile gently with her finger. Instantly, the fire extinguished itself and with a whoosh of air, the back of the fireplace vanished to once more reveal the long dark tunnel that led to Slytherin's domain.
She stood there and stared down the passageway, undecided whether or not to enter. The last time she'd entered Slytherin's study, she'd been with Severus, and they'd been blissfully making love all over the castle. She vividly remembered the beauty of the study…and the comfort of the couch. Did she really want to go back there alone? Hesitantly she stepped into the coolness of the passageway and began to walk toward its end. As much as she feared that returning to the study would be painful, she simply had to know why the snake charm had appeared here…now.
So she forced herself to walk the length of the dark tunnel until she once again stood before the door with its impressive carved serpent. With a deep breath, she twisted the crystal knob and opened the door. The room inside stood bathed in the light of many candles, but it wasn't quite the room it had been before. The large black couch before the fire was gone; it had been replaced with two leather covered wing chairs. The windows were draped with black crepe, like those of a house of mourning in times past. The mantle was also draped in black, and the fireplace was empty of flames. The hearth was covered in a carpet of dead leaves, and the opening was filled to overflowing with a beautiful arrangement of flowers.
Evangeline entered the room slowly, shivering as she passed through the invisible protective barrier. With a feeling of awe, she approached the fireplace and stared at the gorgeous floral tribute, for that's what it was without a doubt. Whatever presence governed this place, whether it be Slytherin or some manifestation of the magic contained in the castle itself, was expressing its sorrow at the loss of Slytherin's Head of House. There is a language of flowers where each type of bloom, each piece of greenery conveys a meaning. She'd played around with this as a child, creating bouquets for her parents and friends to pass on a message, but she hadn't thought about it for years.
The grieving widow sank to the floor and stared at the beautiful arrangement trying to remember the meanings of the various plants that were included. There were roses and tulips, marigolds and rosemary, interwoven with lemon balm and yew and sage. Love, remembrance, memory, sympathy, grief and sorrow. All were expressed in the bouquet. Her eyes filled with tears as she stared into the fireplace, but the grief in her heart lightened a tiny bit at the thought that even though he was gone, Severus had been valued and would be missed and remembered here where he'd dwelt for so much of his life.
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Just as dawn was extending its brightening rays the next morning, a lone figure in black slipped out of the front door of the castle and slowly made her way around the building to the north side of the structure. There she approached the small graveyard with its recently disturbed earth. Shivering with cold and intense pain, Evangeline sank down onto the bleak hard ground and carefully traced the beloved name on the stone with her trembling fingers and whispered softly to the bitter wind.
"I'm so sorry, Severus, but I'm not as strong as you always hoped I was. I can't stay here any longer. Everywhere I look…you're there. I see you stalking around corners. I hear your voice coming from empty classrooms. I see you sitting by the fire. Your face is always before me whether my eyes are open or closed. I know I'm being cowardly, but I simply can't bear the pain any longer. I also can't stand the tension of never knowing when I'll run into Dumbledore. I can't take the pity and sadness in everyone's eyes. I have to go."
With a gasp, she wiped the tears from her cheeks and rose from the earth. "Take good care of our daughter. I know you were a little afraid of becoming a father, but our child couldn't have a better father than you to watch over her. I'll love both of you forever, and someday…hopefully soon…I'll join you. Then we can finally be a family together. Until then you'll just have to manage without me…as I will somehow have to learn to manage without you. You'll both be constantly in my thoughts, no matter where I go. I promise you. Good bye for now, my love."
With a sob, she turned away abruptly and ran swiftly from the gravesite and into the woods, following the northern path into the forest. When she'd run far enough to escape the clinging grasp of the protective wards, she stopped and without a backward glance, disappeared from sight.
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