Chapter Four: Persistence of Memory
The prisoner opened his eyes and looked around him at the bare cell. Blissfully alone, for once! His body lay in a heap on the cold stone floor, and the stink of burned flesh hung in the air like a pall. He tried to move, but his stiff mind resisted sending the signals to his even stiffer body. Gradually, agonizingly, he was able to untangle himself and push his ungainly form up into a sitting position against the unyielding wall. A hiss was drawn from his throat as the painful burns on his back met the rough coldness of the stones.
Why was he alone? He was never alone. That black figure with the hateful voice was always pushing at him to tell him things. Things he'd been using all of his strength to forget. It was the only answer. If he didn't remember, he couldn't tell anyone anything. He didn't know why it was so important that he not tell them anything, but he knew that it was. Not that he'd be inclined to give them the satisfaction anyway. Simply because they wanted it was a good enough reason not to give it to them, as far as he was concerned. Perhaps if he forgot everything he ever knew, they'd finally leave him alone.
Maybe it was working. Maybe that was why he was alone now. Had he managed to forget everything yet? He wasn't sure. Maybe a test was in order. What was his name? Hmm. Nothing came to mind. Good.
The dark haired man closed his eyes again and leaned wearily back against the wall, ignoring the pain of his burns as best he could. In the lonely darkness of his mind, she came to him. He'd forgotten her name, but he couldn't bear to forget her face. She was like a light in the darkness, promising that everything wasn't lost no matter how hopeless it all seemed. Her face floating tantalizingly in his mind reminded him that there was some goodness and beauty left in the world. Greedily he drank in the vision that swam through his thoughts. Glowing green eyes, soft brown hair, and the most beautiful smile. No. He couldn't bear to forget her image, even as the whole rest of his world became nothing but pain and agony. She remained as a talisman of hope.
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Minerva McGonagall raised her hand reluctantly to knock on Albus Dumbledore's office door. She wasn't looking forward to this conversation, but she wasn't the type of person to put anything off simply because it was unpleasant. Her knuckles rapped smartly on the wooden panel, and she waited uneasily for his summons.
It was a bit slow in coming, but when it did, she opened the door and entered without delay.
Dumbledore was standing at the window staring out into the gray day beyond the glass. "Good Morning, Minerva. What can I do for you this morning?" The imposing wizard turned and gazed soberly at her over his spectacles.
McGonagall squared her shoulders and stepped forward. "You weren't at breakfast, Albus. Everyone was surprised. It's rare when you miss one. I wanted to be sure that you were all right."
Dumbledore nodded his head and a faint smile drifted over his face as he turned away from the window and walked over to his desk. "I wasn't particularly hungry this morning I'm afraid. I took a walk instead."
Suddenly McGonagall sensed that she didn't need to tell Dumbledore about Evangeline, after all.
Indeed, he nodded again at the questioning expression that came over her face. "Yes. I saw her leave, Minerva. She stopped at the cemetery to say good-bye. She was there when I walked around the castle heading for the same destination."
McGonagall bit the inside of her mouth anxiously. "Did you speak to her, Albus?"
He sighed deeply and shook his head. "No. I didn't want to intrude. Talking to me is something I imagine she wants to avoid at all costs. When she got up from the ground in front of the gravestone and fled into the forest, I knew that she wasn't coming back."
"It's simply gotten too painful for her to stay here any longer. We did talk about this possibility."
The Headmaster sank down into the chair behind his desk heavily. Sorrow etching deep gouges in his face. "I know. I just wish I could help her. Make her understand."
McGonagall wanted to ease the deep hurt she could feel in him, but she wasn't sure just what to do. Nothing she'd tried so far had helped. "Evangeline won't blame you forever, you know. You've simply got to give her more time, that's all."
He smiled sadly up at his friend. "That's kind of you to say, Minerva, but we both know it's not true. Evangeline will always blame me for the death of Severus and their baby, and why not? I am to blame, after all. The fault lies with no one else. If I could have it to do over again, I'd never have sent him from the castle that day, but hindsight is always excellent while true foresight is rare indeed."
McGonagall's throat tightened with sadness. "Why did you send Severus to Malfoy Manor that day anyway? If you don't mind my asking."
Dumbledore sighed. "No, I don't mind telling you. There's no need for secrecy now. I'd learned that Malfoy had acquired a very special book for Voldemort. It was the only remaining copy of an ancient text on longevity and immortality. It was one of the books that Evangeline's father Ernias Winthrop had used as a basis for much of his own work. Apparently Voldemort has taken to studying Ernias' research in the hope of discovering the secret of Evangeline's abilities. Not to mention the value the research could have to him in his own quest for immortality. Severus and I both thought that ultimately Voldemort might learn something of value from this book that could further threaten Evangeline and strengthen his grasp on life far more than we'd wish."
"I knew approximately where the book was hidden, but I didn't have the knowledge of the house and its security precautions to allow me to go and get the book myself. So I waited until the house was empty and sent the one person who might have the intimate knowledge to find it and get in and out safely. When he found out what I wanted him to retrieve, Severus was eager to go. He was quite confident that he'd have no problems at all obtaining the book, but apparently I'd waited too long. I don't know what happened. I don't suppose I ever will, but both Severus and the book are lost to us now."
McGonagall sank into a nearby chair. "Oh, Albus, that's dreadful. Evangeline would feel even worse if she knew that Severus left the castle to try to keep her from harm. She'd never get over the guilt."
Dumbledore nodded. "I know. That's one of the reasons I've never mentioned it. There's no need for her to ever know about it. It's much better that she continues to lay all of the blame on me. It was my decision after all, so the blame is rightfully mine to bear."
"However did you find out about this book anyway?"
Dumbledore sighed once more as he contemplated another decision that seemed so right at the time, but that ended up bringing much more harm than good. "When Lucius Malfoy was under the effects of Veritaserum just before Severus and Evangeline's wedding, he and I had a little chat. I learned quite a lot of useful information during that conversation, but this is something I wish I'd never found out about. The cost of trying to obtain that book was far too high…far too high."
McGonagall regarded her friend sadly. She wanted to ease his mind on this subject, but she didn't think it was possible. She'd tried every conceivable argument in the past and nothing had worked. As much as she hated to admit it, some of the blame did rightly fall on his shoulders, and she wasn't going to be able to lift it off and make everything right again. With a sad sigh, she got up out of her chair and turned and headed for the door. As she laid a hand on the knob, his voice halted her in her tracks.
"Where has she gone, Minerva? Did she tell you?"
Reluctantly, she turned and faced him again. "She specifically asked me not to tell you where she's gone, Albus, but yes, she did tell me, and I'll try to check on her from time to time."
He nodded in understanding and sighed once more. "Yes…well, that's not unexpected, I suppose. She's fortunate to have you to watch out for her."
With a final grave nod of her head, McGonagall left the office with a whisper of her velvet robe and quietly closed the door on Albus Dumbledore.
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Evangeline stood at her easel in the back room of her small cottage and painted furiously. She couldn't get the paint onto the canvas fast enough to suit her. Ever since she'd arrived at the cottage, she'd been devoting herself to this one task. She painted night and day, hoping to take her mind away from the lonely pain of the graveyard and place it on happier memories of the past. Memories that she relived over and over in her desperate desire to halt the anguish that overwhelmed her soul.
The lonely woman found herself infinitely grateful to have so many wonderful passionate memories of her time with Severus. What would her life have been like if she'd never known him…never loved him? It was almost impossible for her weary mind to contemplate what that might have been like. Life before she knew him had retreated to insignificance in her thoughts.
He'd been the focus of her life almost from the time she'd first laid eyes on him. It was so hard to believe that they'd known each other for such a short time, barely over a year. Yet that year stood out head and shoulders over all the others as the most important one of her life. Severus' very existence had transformed her life from one of ordinary drabness to one of shining colors and endless fascination. Ironic when you think how he shunned color himself.
Life with him had been the happiest she could ever imagine experiencing. Just the thought of never having experienced his touch, his passion, his love, made her shudder. If one year was all that fate was to allow her, then she knew she'd have to treasure every second…remember every look, every word, every touch…every kiss. If this pain was the price she had to pay for the joy of having been an intimate part of his life, then it was worth it. There was no doubt in her mind.
Evangeline knew that she was about to discover just what life without him would really be like, but at least she had her memories to sustain her! Could a person live on memories? She guessed she'd have to find out. This should help. Would help. So she redirected her concentration to the easel in front of her where she pinned her hopes for survival from this day to the next on his image as it stared back at her from the canvas.
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From the time Evangeline left Hogwarts in mid November, until the middle of December, Remus Lupin begged Minerva McGonagall daily to tell him where she'd gone. He threatened and pleaded and cajoled…nothing worked. Minerva had promised her friend that she'd keep her whereabouts to herself. She also didn't think that running after Evangeline was the best thing for Remus. Neither of them deserved to suffer any more pain, so she kept her promise, as difficult as it was for her.
However, Remus wasn't about to let Minerva's reluctance to enlighten him stop him from finding Evangeline. The desperate wizard tried every avenue he could think of for a trace of her. He checked her school records, asked Dumbledore about information on her family, and asked everyone in the castle if they knew where she'd gone. None of this resulted in any useful information.
Finally, almost as a last resort, he sent a letter to Eleanor Hamilton asking her if she knew where Evangeline had gone. The answer he received wasn't very informative and was barely cordial. He couldn't blame her, he supposed. After Severus died, he never did go to visit Eleanor as he'd intended and had brushed off every attempt she'd made to contact him. She knew how he felt about Evangeline so it didn't take very long before she gave up trying to contact him anymore, and now, not surprisingly, she wasn't very pleased to be used by him to try to track down her friend. Basically she told the anxious wizard to go swim with the grindylows, preferably in heavy robes.
So he did the only other thing he could think of. He searched through Evangeline's family's property records for anything that he didn't know about. In addition to the family home, her shop in Diagon Alley, and the home she used to live in, in Upper Cadmium, he finally found a record of a small piece of property in Cornwall that had belonged to her aunt. Armed with this new piece of information, he approached Minerva McGonagall once again.
Minerva opened her chamber door and sighed when she saw Remus Lupin standing there staring at her.
"Honestly, Remus, you are the most persistent person I've ever known. Didn't I already tell you once today that I can't tell you where Evangeline has gone?"
He nodded. "Yes, Minerva, you did, but that was before I did a little research into the Winthrop family's property records."
Alarm flitted through McGonagall's eyes. She tightened her mouth disapprovingly and held her door open for him to enter.
Once he was inside, she closed the door and crossed her arms over her chest as she frowned darkly at him. The resemblance to Snape was chilling.
"Don't you have any sense at all? At the moment I'm ashamed to call you a Gryffindor," she exclaimed in annoyance.
He looked at her in confusion. "What are you talking about, Minerva?"
She sighed. "I know that you want to find Evangeline, but can't you see that all this digging around could raise interest in what you're doing? Evangeline is still being hunted by Voldemort. Surely you don't want to put her in more danger?"
"Of course not! I've been very careful and quiet about what I've been doing. You're just upset that I found out about the property in Cornwall." Her dismayed reaction confirmed all his hopes, but he suppressed a smile and continued reassuringly, "Don't worry. I altered the records. No one looking into the records after I did will find out anything at all about the property. Evangeline is perfectly safe there."
"But not from you," she stated quietly.
Suddenly filled with intense exasperation at her manner, he frowned at her. "She doesn't need to be protected from me. I won't hurt her. I'm worried about her. She was in very fragile emotional shape when she left here. She shouldn't be alone in the middle of nowhere with no one to look out for her. She needs me, Minerva!"
A look of sadness crossed Minerva's face. "No, Remus…she needs Severus."
He went pale. "Well, she can't have him. He's dead."
McGonagall nodded. "Yes, he is. She needs time to come to terms with that. She doesn't need you putting pressure on her to turn to you for comfort. The last thing Evangeline needs at the moment is a lovesick wizard trying to worm his way into her life."
Lupin felt as if she'd slapped him. "Is that what you think I'm doing?" he whispered.
"Frankly, yes. I know you love her. Please, don't deny it. It was obvious that you loved her even before Severus died, but after he died it was all over your face every time you were anywhere near her. Severus has only been in his grave for a few months. That might be enough time for some people to begin to come to terms with their loss, but not Evangeline. I've seldom seen anyone more in love than she was with her husband. She's nowhere near ready to accept you, Remus. If you ever want her to be able to, you have to give her more time."
Lupin just stood there and stared at McGonagall feeling like he was made of glass. Had everyone known all his feelings? Had he truly been so transparent?
He expelled a ragged breath and sank into a nearby chair. "You must think I'm a complete fool," he muttered bitterly.
Hoping to ease the pain that she could see etched into his features, she went over to sit across from him and smiled sympathetically. "Of course not. You can't help how you feel, and Evangeline is very worthy of being loved. I know she cares for you too. It's just too soon. Can't you see that?"
Reluctantly he raised his eyes to hers. "I know it's too soon for her to care about me. I have no intention of trying to take advantage of her vulnerability at the moment. I don't know if Evangeline could ever love me, but that won't stop me from trying to be her friend. I'm worried about her. She shouldn't be alone now. Can't you see that? No one knows more than I do how much she loved Severus. I'm just so afraid that she'll give in to her sorrow and grief and try to join him. I live in fear of that daily. I have to see her, talk to her, know how she's feeling. I'm going to go and check on her. I'm sorry if you think I shouldn't, but fortunately it's not up to you what I do with my time."
McGonagall stared at him for a moment in silence, then she sighed and nodded. "You're probably right. Someone should check on her, and I can't think of anyone better than you to do it."
Grateful for her trust, he smiled. "Don't worry, I'll tell her that you didn't tell me where she was. I promise that I won't stay too long or push her in any way to do anything that she doesn't want to do, but I need to be sure she's okay."
McGonagall nodded somberly. "So do I, Remus. So do I."
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