Chapter Five: Wounds of the Soul
The prisoner lay strapped to a table as the querulous voice worked his evil. It sometimes seemed to him that the purpose of all this had changed. The creature with the scalpel in his hand often seemed more interested in carving his intricate designs into the prisoner's flesh than in getting him to spill any of the secrets that he no longer remembered. The burning pain moved slowly down over his abdomen heading for the more delicate skin of his most private parts. As querulous voice laughed madly, the prisoner tried to lose himself in the cold empty darkness of his mind while the ever intensifying pain bathed his soul and the blood began to bathe more and more of his abused body.
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As soon as the students were on their way to the Hogwarts express for their Christmas holidays, Lupin was on his way down to the gates of the grounds to head off to Cornwall to find Evangeline. He was so worried about her that he'd almost left before classes were done, but he had enough sense to know that if he'd done that, he might not have a job to return to. Still she'd been gone for more than a month and so many things could have happened to her in that amount of time. He was a bit frightened of what he'd find in Cornwall when he got there, but he was equally determined that nothing should stop him from making the trip.
The werewolf appeared in front of a small cottage on top of a cliff near the ocean. The surf was pounding fiercely on the jagged rocks as a bitter wind whipped in from the sea. His uneasiness grew as he took a good look at the loneliness of the surroundings and how tempting the beckoning sea could seem to a despondent person. His knock on the door to the cottage went unanswered. The door was unlocked, however, so he opened it and stuck his head inside to call Evangeline's name. Everything was silent.
Now he was uncertain just how to proceed. He was sure that this was the right spot. Perhaps she'd gone for a walk on the path he'd seen meandering off along the cliff top. He dropped his overnight bag inside the door of the cottage and headed up the trail along the sea.
He'd only been walking for a short ways when he came around a sharp corner and saw a lonely little figure standing on the edge of the cliff. She was gazing out at the horizon and letting the wind whip her hair out behind her like a sail. Her arms clutched a heavy woolen shawl tightly around her thin body. To Lupin's eye, she looked too fragile to stand before the chilly winter wind. He almost expected it to pick her up in its cold embrace and fling her back into the scrubby brush next to the pathway.
Now that he'd found her, he was a little afraid to approach her. She'd probably be disappointed, even angry to see him. As he hesitated, trying to decide what to say to her, she glanced in his direction and saw him standing there watching her silently.
Her face didn't change expression. She continued to gaze in his direction giving no clue as to what she was thinking. Lupin put a smile on his face and continued to walk up the path until he stood next to her.
"Hello, Angel," he said warmly, uncertain of his reception.
Keeping her thoughts to herself, she nodded to him as if she'd just seen him an hour ago. "Hello, Remus. How did you find me?"
"Minerva didn't tell me, if that's what you're concerned about. I've been worried about you so I did a little research and found out about this piece of property. I decided to come see if you might be here…and you were."
She nodded absently and a frown creased her forehead as she considered the possibilities. "Property records, of course. I'll need to do something about that."
He smiled. "Already taken care of. No one else will find you that way, I promise, and I'm certainly not going to tell anyone where you are."
She nodded again and spoke in a distant tone. "Thank you." Without another word, she resumed her study of the horizon.
Lupin tried again. "How are you, Evangeline? We've all missed you at Hogwarts."
"I'm fine."
Her blank expression and emotionless tone of voice screamed otherwise to the concerned wizard. He put out a tentative hand and touched her reddened cheek. It felt like ice.
"Evangeline, how long have you been standing out here? It's awfully cold."
She frowned absently. "Is it? I hadn't noticed. I'm not sure how long I've been out."
Gently he took her arm and carefully guided her off the cliff and back onto the path that led to her cottage. "Perhaps its time to go back. It'll be teatime soon, and you look like you could use some warming up."
At first he was afraid that she'd protest, but she didn't. Instead she let him lead her back toward the cottage as docile as a baby lamb heading for her mother at feeding time.
When they entered the cottage, she tossed her shawl onto the couch, told him to sit down, and said that she'd go fix the tea. Wanting to keep a close eye on her, he asked to help. Evangeline shrugged her shoulders carelessly but made no protest against it, so he followed her into the warm kitchen and watched her carefully as he helped her to get the tea made. Once it was ready, they sat at the kitchen table and stared at one another while they drank it. She looked overly thin and tired and extremely pale to Lupin. There were ugly black bruises under her eyes as if she hadn't slept properly in months. So far his visit hadn't eased his worries one bit.
"This is a nice little cottage. It's certainly got some spectacular views. Do you like living here? What have you been doing with your time?" Anxiously he began his worried interrogation.
Carefully she set her teacup down in its saucer before she answered him. "It's peaceful here and quiet. I can go for days at a time without seeing anyone. I like that very much. I've been doing a lot of walking and thinking. And I've been painting again, and visiting the painted realm once more. I missed being able to do that while I was preg…" She hesitated and ran a shaky hand over her abdomen then clutched at her arms as if she'd become suddenly cold.
"Uh...I missed it." The pale witch looked flustered at her accidental mention of this painful topic that she wanted to avoid.
Lupin nodded in understanding. "Can I see what you've been painting, Evangeline?"
She met his warm eyes with her empty ones and nodded hesitantly. "I guess so."
They both got up from the table, and she led him into a large back room full of the dying light of the late afternoon.
The room held quite a few paintings large and small. Mostly they were seascapes. Which made sense with such a compelling model right outside the door. These weren't sun drenched beautiful scenes though. They were angry paintings of storm tossed seas and bitter chilling winds. It made Lupin cold just to look at them. Nature's fury burst from every canvas…cold…naked…angry. Then there were the portraits. Severus' serious face gazed back at him from half a dozen different frames hung around the room. Oddly, unlike the restless seascapes, none of these paintings were animated.
Wordlessly Lupin turned to Evangeline and was surprised to see defiance shining back at him from her emerald eyes. It was the first touch of emotion he'd seen in her. He found he couldn't decide if he was pleased to see it or not.
"What do you think?" she asked with a hard edge to her voice.
He smiled and tried to relax. "They're wonderful, Angel. I've always thought you were a very talented painter. I'm glad to see you getting back to it. The portraits are truly excellent. The likeness is remarkable."
His answer seemed to catch her off guard, and she looked momentarily flustered as if she'd expected a different reaction, then she turned and gazed at the closest portrait of her adored husband and nodded. "Yes. His face haunts me constantly, it would be remarkable if the likeness wasn't accurate." She extended a trembling hand as if to caress the face in the painting but dropped it abruptly back to her side without touching its surface.
Then suddenly she turned and walked back into the front sitting room with Lupin trailing after her.
"Now that you've seen that I'm alive and well and in no immediate danger from anything you might've imagined Remus, you can take a good report back to Hogwarts," she exclaimed sharply.
"I'll do that, Angel, but I was hoping to have at least a short visit with you first."
She turned back to him with a cold look in her eye. "I certainly don't mean to be rude, but I'm not in the mood for guests. If I'd wanted company, I'd have stayed at Hogwarts."
Hoping to change her mind, he nodded. "I understand, but it's getting rather late. I didn't make any other arrangements for tonight. Would it be too much bother if I spent the night here and left in the morning?"
He could tell from her expression that she wanted to say no, but she couldn't come up with a good enough excuse, so reluctantly, she allowed him to stay.
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In the middle of the night Lupin was awakened suddenly. The sleep-fogged wizard lay there listening intently trying to figure out just what had jarred him so precipitously from sleep. He lay in a narrow single bed in a small guest room across the hall from Evangeline's bedroom. A rather nasty storm raged outside the cottage, but he didn't think that that was what had disturbed him. He thought it had been a voice.
Shaking off the last remnants of sleepiness, he got up, lit a candle, and reached quickly for his robe. As he was putting it on he heard the staircase creak with the weight of a person. He opened his door just in time to hear the front door of the cottage click shut. A prickle of concern flashed through his mind. With a frown on his face he crossed the small hall and peeked into Evangeline's room. Her bed was empty, the covers thrown carelessly back. Alarmed now, he ran back to his room and quickly pulled on some clothes. Then he ran downstairs calling for Evangeline, but as he feared, she wasn't in the cottage. Hurriedly he grabbed up his cloak and threw it over his shoulders then he picked up a lantern and lit it as he went out the door and started up the path along the cliff fighting against the stiff wind and driving rain.
As he rounded the corner where he'd found her earlier in the day, he saw her standing where she'd been that afternoon. The picture she presented caused his heart to race in sudden terror. Evangeline was standing on the very edge of the cliff in the pouring rain, her body swaying helplessly in the strong wind. She was wearing only a thin nightgown, which was soaked through, and plastered against her pale skin. Her eyes were half closed, and she seemed ready to collapse at any moment.
With fear pushing him on, he ran as fast as he could to get to her. When he touched her she looked up at him with glazed unfocused eyes and collapsed so suddenly that he almost missed catching her. Horrified at how light and insubstantial she seemed in his arms, he raced back to the cottage as quickly as he could.
Bursting through the front door and kicking it shut behind him, Lupin carried her swiftly up to her bedroom and laid her down on her bed. She began to shake and shiver uncontrollably with cold. Her skin felt clammy to his touch and had a bluish tinge to it, which scared him. With trembling fingers, he stripped off her wet gown and reached for his wand to perform a drying spell. As he realized that in his haste he'd left it somewhere in his room, he cursed angrily beneath his breath and ran into the nearby bathroom for an armload of towels with which he quickly dried her frozen body. By now she was crying and moaning incoherently. He wrapped her in a soft robe that he found draped over the foot of the bed. Then he lay down beside her and cradled her in his arms until her shivering subsided. She began to whisper Severus' name over and over in a small heartbroken voice as her sobs continued, begging him not to leave her. Lupin thought his heart would break from listening to the ragged pain in her tone. Even after three months, for Evangeline, the wound was so fresh it would bleed with the merest touch.
Anxiously he began to rock her in his arms and talk to her…to try to get her to respond to his voice. To him it looked as if she was still wrapped up in some horrific nightmare…not really conscious of what was going on around her.
"Evangeline…Angel, please wake up. It's Remus, sweetheart. Please, talk to me, Angel. Please." He caressed her cheek and continued to rock her as he spoke gently to her and searched her vacant eyes for a response.
Gradually, her eyes lost their glazed frightened look and began to focus on his. She stopped whispering for Severus and began to sob harder.
She stared into Remus' eyes and cried brokenly, "Oh, Remus…I can't stand this emptiness anymore. Please, help me. Please. These dreams they're so real, but when I wake up I'm always alone. I don't want to be alone anymore. Please."
Without warning she threw her arms around his neck and drew his head down to hers so she could kiss him. "Kiss me. Touch me. Love me, please," she whispered in a tortured voice against his lips.
Remus was in agony. There was nothing on this earth that he wanted more than to kiss and love this woman in his arms, but he knew if he did he'd be sorry. He'd made the mistake of taking the place of the person she really wanted in her arms once before, and he'd regret that lapse to his dying day. Nothing but pain came of it, and he knew if he took advantage of this moment of vulnerability it would end the same way.
So with all the strength he possessed he pulled back away from her enticing lips and held her tightly against his chest as he spoke softly to her.
"I'm sorry, Angel, but I can't do that. I love you; you know that. But making love to you would be the wrong thing to do. I took advantage of you when you were in a fragile emotional state once before, I won't ever make that mistake again. I won't be a momentary substitute for Severus. You have to get past all this pain before you can reach out to anyone else. You need time to heal."
"I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have..." she whispered haltingly in a tiny pain filled voice. "I'm just so empty inside. I miss Severus so much, and I have these nightmares that seem horribly real and vivid. I can see him so clearly. He's standing right there next to me…I could touch him; if only I could reach him, but no matter how hard I try…I can't ever touch him. He's always just out of reach. He'll always be just out of reach." She tried to stifle a small sob with the back of her hand.
Still scared to death by the image of her standing on the precipice, he asked, "Have you walked in your sleep before?" He caressed her back gently with a comforting touch.
"I'm not sure. I might have," she reluctantly confessed. He shivered at the thought of her wandering along the edge of that cliff in her sleep. Something had to be done to safeguard her. This couldn't be allowed to go on!
Remus laid his cheek against the top of her head. "You shouldn't be alone, Angel. When I get back to Hogwarts, I'm going to make arrangements to have one or two of the house elves come and stay with you for awhile. They'd take good care of you, sweetheart, but they wouldn't interfere in your life like any of your well meaning friends would."
Emotionally drained and exhausted, she could only nod weakly against his chest. "Perhaps you're right. I do need company, and house elves would be less demanding than anyone else."
Relieved that she wasn't going to fight him on this point, he smiled into her damp hair. "Good, I'm glad we got that settled. Now go to sleep, Angel. You need the rest."
Tilting back her head, she smiled up at him. "Thank you, Remus."
He smiled back. "You're welcome." He tucked her under the covers and lay there beside her just watching her as she drifted off to sleep.
Once he was sure she was sleeping soundly he kissed her gently on the forehead and crawled off the bed. Suddenly he heard a low silky voice speak to him from behind his back. "Is she all right?"
Shocked he whirled around and gasped at the sight that met his eyes. There at the foot of the bed stood Severus Snape.
Lupin's heart came to a dead stop as he stared at Snape. For a moment reality twisted and he wondered what the hell was going on. Then suddenly he realized just what he was staring at.
"Oh my god! Angel, no…this isn't going to help you," he murmured painfully as he walked to the foot of the bed and stared at the life-sized animated portrait of a completely naked, no doubt anatomically correct, Severus Snape standing in a painting of their bedroom in the dungeon at Hogwarts.
The painted Snape raised an eyebrow at Lupin and spoke in a perfect imitation of Snape's rich baritone voice. "Well, have you lost the ability to speak or is English simply too complicated for your little mind to comprehend?"
Lupin felt like he'd fallen down the rabbit hole. The likeness was absolutely remarkable down to the last detail. There was no doubt about it; Evangeline was superbly talented. And now Lupin had no doubt just what she'd meant when she'd said that she'd been visiting the painted realm. But making love to a painted doppelganger of her dead husband wasn't going to help her to get over him. No wonder she was having nightmares. Somehow he was going to have to persuade her to put this away. If it was the only thing he accomplished on this trip, it would be worth it.
Gazing in awe at the painting, Lupin became uncomfortably aware that he probably didn't quite measure up to the man he hoped one day to replace in Evangeline's life. He sighed, well that was typical of this whole situation wasn't it? Second fiddle, second best.
The painting frowned at Lupin again. "Are you truly as stupid as you look?"
Lupin frowned back. This painting sounded just like Snape, too. How creepy was that? "What are you talking about?"
The painted Snape crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow. "Oh good, you can speak, after all. I asked you if Evangeline was all right?"
Lupin nodded. "Yes, she's fine now. She just needs to sleep for awhile."
Snape nodded. "All right. If she's okay then I guess I'll go get some sleep myself. Good night." With that, he whirled around and stalked over to the bed in the back of the painting and crawled into it.
Lupin shook his head. The painted figure even walked like Snape. With a shiver, the dazed wizard turned away from the painting and glanced back at Evangeline sleeping peacefully in her bed. With a sad sigh he walked across the room and sat down in an easy chair next to the bed to wait out the rest of the night at her side.
The next day Lupin left to return to Hogwarts. Before he left, he expressed his concern over the painting. Evangeline told him to mind his own business, but he could tell she listened to what he had to say. He could only hope she'd act on it. Once he returned to the castle he arranged for a couple of house elves to go stay with her and tried to get back into the flow of life at the school, but his thoughts never drifted far from the sad woman in the lonely cottage by the sea.