Chapter Six: Healing Time
Strong arms flung the prisoner hard against the wall. His head hit the stones with a sickening crunch, and he slowly slid down to the floor in a heap, painting a jagged line of red as he went. Although his head throbbed painfully, he simply lay where he fell, waiting to see what would happen next. He'd learned the hard way never to volunteer anything. That went as much for motion as information. Footsteps left the room behind him and slammed the heavy door in their wake.
For a moment, he thought he might be alone, but then there was the faint whisper of cloth on stone that always heralded the hateful querulous voice.
"Well, it seems you're as resistant to potions and truth serums as you are to physical tortures. A most difficult case. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, considering who you are and what your lifelong profession has been. Still, it is disappointing."
The voice sounded frustrated and a little desperate. A faint smile flashed over the prisoner's face as it rested on the stone floor. Wouldn't it be a shame if querulous voice disappointed his lord and master? Oh, yes. He'd be simply devastated if that happened. Life's small pleasures must be seized and savored wherever they showed up. There were few enough of them left, goodness knows.
"Well," querulous voice continued. "We'll simply have to begin again. Subtlety hasn't worked well with you…perhaps a bolder approach will have better success today. Crucio!"
Once more the world was defined by nothing but endless burning pain, and the prisoner gave himself up to it. If nothing else, it proved that he still lived, an accomplishment to be proud of.
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As difficult as it was for him, for the next six months Remus Lupin stayed at Hogwarts and didn't give in to his intense desire to visit Evangeline again. He did begin to send her letters, though. Chatty, upbeat things revolving around news from the school, students she'd known, the latest bits of staff gossip…anything at all that she might find amusing and diverting. He was very careful not to mention anything to do with Albus Dumbledore or their struggle with the rising tide of evil that the Dark Lord represented. If possible, her hatred for the powerful wizard had grown to rival even that that she held for Voldemort. So avoiding any mention of either of them seemed like the correct choice to make.
At first she didn't respond to his letters, but as he knew she received and read them, Minerva got regular reports from the house elves, he continued to send them. After a time, he did begin to get answers. At first they were short awkward things, but gradually they began to sound more like the woman he remembered and craved to see again.
Although Remus didn't go to visit Evangeline, Minerva McGonagall did go and spend a weekend with her in the middle of March. Lupin found himself incredibly anxious to find out how that visit had gone and was knocking at her chamber door almost as soon as she put her overnight bag down on the floor.
Minerva opened her door to see an overeager Lupin bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet like a puppy waiting to greet his returning master. She sighed. "Really, Remus, you could've waited until I'd gotten my cloak off before you came knocking at my door."
Lupin looked slightly embarrassed, but he didn't back down. "I'm sorry, Minerva, but you have to know how curious I am. May I come in?"
With a wave of her hand, she opened the door a bit wider, and he sailed past her to perch on the arm of one of her easy chairs.
Once he'd settled, he raised his eyebrows and looked expectant. "Well, how is Evangeline? Is she still walking in her sleep? Is she still having nightmares? Has she lost any more weight? Does she seem any happier?"
Minerva held up a hand to stop the torrent of questions. "Remus, enough! Let me sit down first, then please only one question at a time."
Feeling a bit like one of her students again, he tried to rein in his intense curiosity. "Sorry. It's been a very long weekend."
Minerva removed her cloak and hung it in the closet, then she sat down in the chair opposite Remus with a sigh. "First of all, Evangeline told me to say hello to you, and to thank you for sending the house elves. They've been a big help to her."
He smiled. A positive start, indeed.
Minerva continued, "She seemed much more like her old self while I was there. Not happy, but not as tortured as she was the last time I saw her. She looked like she'd put on a little weight, perhaps, but she was still very thin. The dark circles under her eyes were gone, though, and they didn't look as empty as they had the last time we were together. Also she said that the painful nightmares that she'd been having had faded away almost completely, and she was sleeping much better."
Remus nodded in relief. "Good."
"She really seemed much improved. We had a very pleasant visit. I was quite encouraged."
"I'm really glad, Minerva. Um…did you see any of her paintings?"
Minerva nodded. "Yes, she showed me what she'd been working on. Lots of seascapes and a few portraits of Severus mainly."
"Were any of the portraits animated?" He held his breath.
Minerva shook her head. "No, and I'll admit I was relieved to see that. She doesn't need an animated portrait of Severus talking to her all day. That wouldn't be helpful at all."
Lupin nodded, thinking to himself that Minerva obviously didn't know about the portrait in the bedroom. Perhaps that was a good sign. Perhaps it meant that she'd gotten rid of it. He certainly hoped so.
Minerva smiled. "Actually I was quite encouraged by her most recent work. She was painting a portrait of one of the house elves. It was very lovely…lots of warm colors. It had a peaceful feeling about it…not like those angry seascapes she'd done when she first went to the cottage. I think she's doing better, Remus. Time is helping her to heal from her loss."
"Did you talk about Severus at all? Or Albus?"
A tinge of sadness began to color Minerva's voice. "Yes. She was able to talk rationally about Severus, although talking about him was obviously still very painful for her. Albus was a different story, though. She's vehement in her hatred. If anything it's more hard and fast now than it was when she left here. She blames him completely for the death of Severus and their baby. I'm afraid she's not going to change her mind about that. I wish I could say differently, but she's hardened her heart to him, and I can't think of any way to open it up again. I did try…it was the only unpleasant spot in the visit."
Lupin's features sagged with a look of unhappiness. "There may not be a way to change her mind. And to be fair, she does have a point. Albus sent Severus into a dangerous situation that ended up killing him. Perhaps he had a good reason, I don't know. He's never told me what happened, and I've never asked. But if Albus hadn't done that, both Severus and their daughter would probably be with Evangeline right now. She'd be a mother to a living breathing child and a wife with a husband she adores. If I were her, I might very well feel exactly the same way. I know if he'd done that to Evangeline, and she'd died, I'd probably have had an extremely hard time forgiving him. And Severus would have killed him, of that I have no doubt at all."
Reluctantly Minerva nodded. "I know, but Albus has suffered so much since Severus' death. He blames himself, too. He was always so fond of Severus. It's been heartbreaking for him, and to have Evangeline blame him as well …"
Saddened, she paused and sighed. "This sorrow and guilt isn't good for him. We need him to be strong and focused at the moment, and he isn't. Severus' death weighs so heavily on his conscience. He's second-guessing his decisions more and more often. That's not good. I was so hoping I could change Evangeline's mind. Her forgiveness would help him so much, but I don't think it's going to happen. I dread telling Albus about how she feels, but I know he's going to want to know. I'm sure I won't be able to keep it from him."
Lupin nodded and got up to leave, but Minerva called him back before he could leave the room. "Remus, when do you plan to visit Evangeline, again?"
"Not until this summer, I think. I don't want to go too soon. I'm just glad to know that she's doing better. Until then, I'll just keep on writing to her. And don't worry; I won't go until after her wedding anniversary. That's going to be painful enough for her without my company."
Minerva swallowed the lump in her throat. "They didn't even get to celebrate one anniversary. Life is so cruel sometimes."
Lupin sighed. "You don't have to remind me of that, Minerva. I'm very well aware of all the little cruelties that life is capable of." With a nod, he withdrew from the room and quietly closed the door behind him.
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Getting through the rest of the school year was hard for Lupin. With every letter he received from Evangeline, he wanted to see her more and more, but he was determined to give her as much space and time as she needed. He'd never forgive himself if he rushed her into something and lost her as a result. He was at least trying to be honest with himself. No longer did he tell himself that he was only trying to be her friend. He wanted so much more than friendship from Evangeline, and he was determined that this time…he'd get it. Sadly, he knew that she'd never love him the way that she'd loved Severus, and he was willing to accept that, but he found that he could no longer accept not being a part of her life. Somehow, he simply had to make sure that Evangeline ended up in his arms this time.
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Minerva McGonagall and Albus Dumbledore stood on a balcony enjoying the late June sunshine as they watched Remus Lupin head down to the castle gates with his bag in his hand.
Dumbledore sighed. "Remus is determined in his course?"
Minerva nodded. "Yes. He's going to wait a couple more weeks before he goes to visit, though. There's a full moon in a couple days, and he wanted to be sure to miss Evangeline and Severus' anniversary. I think he's handling things very patiently over all, considering how much he loves her."
Dumbledore shook his head sadly. "It's not going to work, Minerva. I know that Remus loves Evangeline. He's loved her for a very long time, but she doesn't return his love. She's never going to love anyone other than Severus, and I destroyed that for her."
Minerva turned sympathetic eyes on her colleague. "Oh, Albus, you didn't mean to harm either of them. You've got to find a way to forgive yourself for Severus' death. And you don't know that Evangeline won't come to be able to love Remus. Eventually Evangeline will find a way to put Severus and their love in the past. It won't be easy for her, but she's made great strides in picking up the pieces of her life. She's a young woman, and she's not going to want to spend the rest of her life alone. Why couldn't she turn to Remus? She cares about him, I'm certain of that."
"She may care about him, but she doesn't love him. Even if she accepts him as a partner in her life, eventually Remus is going to want more than she can give to him. Once that happens, the relationship is doomed. Some people simply aren't capable of loving more than once. Evangeline's love for Severus went far deeper than the usual relationship. The kind of love they shared can only happen with one person in a lifetime. No one else can ever replace Severus in Evangeline's life. Remus is in for nothing but heartache if he tries."
Minerva turned her eyes from Dumbledore and trained them once more on the distant figure who was just now reaching the gates. In the space of a breath, he vanished from her sight. She found herself fervently hoping that Albus was wrong. He rarely was she knew, but he'd been wrong to send Severus from the safety of the castle. She hoped he was wrong now…with a better, happier result.
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It was a warm pleasant afternoon when Remus Lupin appeared outside Evangeline's cottage. The ocean breeze ruffled his hair softly as he held a hand to his brow and gazed out to sea at a distant ship near the horizon. His heart beat strongly as the warm July sunshine shone brightly down, and he felt suffused with happiness at the thought that he'd soon be seeing Evangeline again. It had been a very long seven months.
He turned and walked up to the cottage door and knocked firmly. As before, there was no answer. So he opened the door and called her name getting no reply. This no longer concerned him as it once would have. On such a glorious day, he'd have been surprised to find her inside. He was a little surprised not to find the house elves at home, though.
Dropping his bag in a corner of the sitting room, he closed the door, and began to climb up the cliff path. He climbed for quite awhile passing by the spot where he'd found her the last time he was here. Until eventually, he came out on top of the cliff with a wonderful view in all directions. Here he found Evangeline standing in front of an easel working furiously on a painting of the ship far out at sea. Knowing that her time with her subject was limited, she worked smoothly and quickly catching as much of the moment as she could, knowing that she could always go in later and rework anything that didn't suit her.
Lupin hesitated to interrupt her. So he took a seat on a convenient rock and simply enjoyed watching her move as she captured this moment in time on canvas. Her movements were fluid and graceful, her hair shone brightly in the warm sunshine, and she seemed quite contently absorbed in her work. Just watching her made Lupin's heart beat with happiness. He'd missed her so much. Eventually she put down her brush and stepped back to scrutinize her work with a critical eye.
"It's wonderful, Angel. You've captured the feeling of the light on the water perfectly. The colors are so vivid and alive."
Evangeline gasped and jumped noticeably as she whirled around to glare at Lupin.
"Remus Lupin! How dare you sneak up on me that way! Do you want to give me a heart attack?" She planted her hands on her hips and gave him one of the blackest looks he'd ever seen on her face.
He smiled broadly. Seven months ago nothing would have elicited such an emotional response from her. He tried to look contrite, but it wasn't easy because he was so happy to see her reacting so normally and looking so beautiful. For the first time in an unbelievably long time, he found himself facing the woman he remembered and loved so very much.
"I'm sorry, Evangeline. I didn't mean to startle you."
She sighed and removed her hands from her hips. "I'll forgive you, this once. Just make a little noise or something the next time you find me working. I get wrapped up in things, and I don't always notice what's happening around me."
He smiled warmly at her. "I promise, I'll be more careful in the future."
She grinned in return and came forward to give him a tight hug of greeting. Life was wonderful when her arms slipped around his waist, and he could once more savor the feeling of holding her body against his own. The hug was brief and friendly, but it was everything to Remus who so longed for any contact with her. Her touch felt like a float thrown to a drowning man.
They both walked up to the easel and looked at Evangeline's work. "I think it's a wonderful painting. What do you think of it?" He turned to look at her as she stared appraisingly at the result of her afternoon's labor.
She frowned at it critically. "I'm not sure. There's something about the ship that I'm not satisfied with, and the colors of the water don't seem quite right to me, either. I do rather like the sky, though. The light and the clouds really seemed to work well this time." She shrugged. "Oh, well. I'll work on it again later after I've had some time to think about it. The ship is gone anyway, and the light has changed too much for me to continue with it now."
She began to clean up her brushes and pack up her supplies. Remus carefully removed the painting and folded up the easel.
"How did you manage to get all this stuff up here anyway? It must have taken you several trips."
She grinned at him. "Oh come on, Remus. Don't tell me you don't shrink things so they're easier to manage. It's a necessary spell for someone like me who's always lugging awkward bulky things around."
Putting thought to action, she waved her wand and everything but the painting itself shrunk down to the size of a doll. Evangeline then packed it all into a small case and stood up ready to go.
Remus smiled. "Why don't you shrink the painting, too?"
She shrugged. "It's still wet so I couldn't put it in the box, but I've never felt comfortable shrinking paintings anyway. I guess I'm too connected to them."
Remus hefted the painting, Evangeline picked up the supply case, and the two of them headed back down the path toward her cottage.
Evangeline turned to Remus as they walked. "It's good to see you, Remus. How was the rest of your school year?"
"Oh, the usual. Fortunately nothing too momentous happened, and the year ended on a quiet note. How have you been? You're looking much better."
This was certainly true. She'd put on a little weight, and her face no longer had that drawn and haggard look it had had the last time he'd seen her. In fact she looked much more well rested and less troubled than she had. He dared to hope it meant that she was beginning to make peace with her ghosts and move forward with her life.
She sighed. "I'm all right. I'm not having nightmares any more, and I haven't walked in my sleep since you were last here. Thank you for sending the house elves. Having them around really did help a lot."
He nodded. "You're welcome. I'm so glad they were a help to you. Where are the house elves anyway?"
They'd reached the cottage by this time, and as she opened the door she glanced at him and said, "I didn't think I needed them any longer so I sent them back to Hogwarts just after the end of term."
He frowned as she beckoned him to follow her through to her studio and gestured for him to leave the painting on a convenient easel. "Are you sure that's wise, Angel?"
She stripped off her gloves and left them and her box of supplies on a nearby table, then she walked closer to him and laid a soft hand on his arm and squeezed gently.
"I know you're concerned about me, but I've got to learn to manage on my own now. I truly don't need the elves any more. I'm grateful that they were here to help me when I did need them, but they belong back at Hogwarts, and I need to get used to living my own life without anyone else around to do things for me. Before I came to Hogwarts almost two years ago now, I was a very self-sufficient person. I need to remember who I was then and learn to be that person again."
He nodded. "I suppose you're right. I just hate to think of you here all alone."
She smiled understandingly. "Well, I'm not alone now. You're here. How long can you stay?"
Forever, whispered his heart, but fortunately his brain had other ideas. "A few days…a week… whatever you feel comfortable with, Angel. I don't want to be a burden or a problem for you. I'll stay for as long or as short a time as you want me here."
She smiled at him as she guided him out of the studio. "Well, let's talk about it over dinner, all right? I confess it was really nice to have someone else do the cooking for awhile. How are you in the kitchen, Remus?"
He laughed as they headed off to see what kind of meal the two of them could come up with together.