Chapter Seven: Look Forward, Angel
The prisoner shivered and clutched the shapeless gray rags that passed for prison attire more tightly around his far too thin frame. He was left alone most of the time now. The painful torture sessions occurred with less and less frequency. They were conducted by different people, as well. He had a suspicion that querulous voice had been severely punished for his lack of success in getting secrets out of him. His lips twitched. What a shame.
He was confident now that he'd never be able to tell them anything. There was nothing left in his empty mind to tell. They hated that…and he was glad. Defying his tormentors was the only pleasure he had left in life, after all. That and staring at the vision of her face in his mind. His Angel of hope. All he'd allowed himself to keep from his former life was her image. Who she was…what she'd meant to him…he no longer remembered. It wasn't important anyway. What was really important was simply her image in his mind. She personified the difference between life and death. Fortunately they'd never asked about her face. He wasn't sure that he could bear the absolute emptiness if he was forced to forget her, too.
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After a very pleasant dinner, Remus took his bag up to his room while Evangeline finished straightening things up in the kitchen. As he was heading back downstairs, he paused and couldn't resist taking a peek into Evangeline's bedroom to see if the painting of Severus was still hanging on the wall at the foot of her bed.
With a pang of trepidation, he opened the bedroom door, quietly slipped inside, and was saddened to find himself face to face with Snape once again. There was one rather important difference, however. Now the painted image was fully clothed in Snape's usual elaborate ebony robes. Lupin felt some small sense of relief at this detail hoping that it meant that Evangeline was no longer seeking solace in the arms of the painted image of her dead husband.
Snape frowned darkly at Lupin. "Oh, it's you. Here to cause more trouble?"
Lupin frowned back. "I'm just here to visit with Evangeline. Frankly, I was hoping she'd put you somewhere else."
Snape raised a sardonic eyebrow. "Afraid of a little competition?"
Lupin sighed. "Not exactly. You aren't competition for anyone, it's who you represent that's the competition, and even dead and gone, he wins every time."
With a shake of his head, Lupin turned and left the bedroom and the image of Severus Snape behind.
He headed down the stairs to the sitting room and found Evangeline curled up on one end of the couch with a cup of tea cradled in her hands and a serious look on her face. Another cup stood waiting on the table next to the other end of the couch. Wondering just what her serious expression meant, he picked up the teacup that she'd left for him and directed a nod of thanks her way. Then he dropped down onto the cushions of the comfortable couch and turned to face her, waiting to see what she might want to talk about.
Although it seemed obvious that Evangeline had something important on her mind, it quickly became apparent that she was a bit reluctant to bring it up. Eventually, once the silence between them began to feel a bit uncomfortable, she finally found the courage to speak. "Thank you for waiting until July before you came to see me again, Remus. I was really glad that no one felt they needed to intrude on my wedding anniversary."
He nodded quietly. "You're welcome, Angel. I'm sure that that day was hard enough on you without anyone else interfering."
Unshed tears sparkled in her eyes. "Yes," she whispered softly. "It was a day that was never meant to be spent alone, but under the circumstances, I couldn't imagine spending it any other way. We should have had a lifetime together, Remus, instead we were married for a scant three months. I've been a widow for far longer than I ever was a wife."
Seeking to regain her composure, she paused and took a sip from her cup then continued, "Severus was everything to me, Remus. In what was really a very short time, he became the whole focus of my life. I didn't realize it while it was happening, but once he was gone…I found I had nothing left. I was emotionally adrift. Perhaps things would have been different if our baby had lived…but she didn't." Her voice trailed off, and she took an unsteady drink from her cup before continuing.
"I'll never make that mistake again. Never again will anyone hold a place of such absolute importance in my life. I'll never love anyone else the way that I loved him. I'll never remarry or attempt to have another child."
Remus felt his heart constricting in his chest. The happy mood of the afternoon seemed to have vanished, to be replaced with a serious, painful, intense feeling that was very disquieting. "Why are you telling me this, Evangeline? Are you trying to warn me off?"
For a moment she simply stared at him over the rim of her teacup with a pained expression on her lovely face. Then she replied quietly, "I'm just trying to be honest with you, Remus. I don't want there to be any misunderstanding between us. I know that you want more from me than simple friendship. I just thought you should know how I felt."
Remus didn't know just how to respond to that. Scared of the answer, he nevertheless forced himself to ask, "Do you want me to leave, Evangeline? Is that why you're telling me this?"
She blinked back tears and stared at him sadly. "I don't want to hurt you, Remus. I'm afraid that you want more from me than I'll ever be able to give you. I can't love you. I can't love anyone ever again. My heart is empty, and I can't imagine ever letting anyone fill it up again."
Although what he wanted to do was go and take her into his arms to try to ease the aching pain that quivered in her voice, he restrained this impulse. Instead he set his teacup down on the table beside him, got up off his end of the couch, and went to sit on the floor by her side. He spoke in a warm soothing tone. "I know how hurt you've been and still continue to be, Angel. I know you loved Severus with all your heart, and I don't expect you to ever feel the same way about me. I swear that I'll never pressure you to do, say, or feel anything more than you're capable of, but you need to understand how I feel, too. Will you hear me out?"
His warm eyes stared into her frightened ones earnestly hoping that she'd give him this chance to finally tell her just what she meant to him. Slowly she nodded, obviously a little reluctant to hear what he had to say.
He smiled reassuringly up at her. "I first realized that I truly loved you, Evangeline when you were dying from the Devil's Foot poison. I've never felt such utter desolation as when I thought you might not recover from that. Once you did recover, I devoted every waking moment of my life to trying to banish the feelings I felt for you. There didn't seem to be any hope that you'd ever come to care about me. I knew that you loved Severus, and that you'd always love Severus. I just wanted you to be happy, Angel. That's all that's ever really mattered to me. After your marriage, I tried to start up a relationship with Eleanor. I enjoyed her company, and for awhile I really thought I had a chance to learn to leave my feelings for you behind me and begin to make a connection with someone else."
Lupin sighed and sadness tinged his smile. "But once Severus died, I knew that I'd just been kidding myself. Even if nothing had ever happened to him, I'm sure now that I'd have come to realize in time that I was just using Eleanor as a substitute for you. Not very noble of me but true all the same. As much as you loved Severus, Evangeline, is how much I love you. I can't help it, I can't control it, I can't stop it. It simply is."
"I know in my heart that you'll never love me the same way, and I really have accepted that, honestly I have. I'll never put any pressure on you to be more than my friend, but I need to be a part of your life, Angel. I'll joyously accept from you as little or as much as you can give me. I promise. Please, don't worry about hurting me."
Tears began to creep down Evangeline's cheeks. "Oh, Remus…that's so unfair to you. How can you devote so much time and love to someone who can't ever love you back. You deserve so much better than that," she whispered.
Lupin reached up and took the cup from her trembling hand and set it down on the table. Then he took her cold hand in his, caressing the back of it gently with his thumb. "Life isn't fair, Evangeline. We've both learned that lesson far too well. If I leave here and never see you again, I know in my heart that I'll still never love anyone else the way that I do you. I'd rather be nothing more than your friend and be able to be a part of your life than the lover of anyone else in the world."
Feeling overwhelmed by his declaration, she got up and slid down off the couch to sit next to him on the floor, where she wrapped her arms tightly around him. With his heart pounding hard in his chest he accepted her embrace and held her gratefully against him. Hesitantly he stroked her soft hair and simply enjoyed the feeling of finally holding her in his arms again not sure just what to make of her sudden embrace.
They sat there in silence for a long time then Evangeline spoke in a soft voice barely above a whisper. "I'm sorry that I can't give you the love you deserve, Remus. I really do care about you very much. Spending time with you has always made me happy. Perhaps…in time…I'll be able to give you more than friendship, I just don't know. I can't promise anything. I'm simply not ready to let anyone into my life at the moment. I'm sorry. I know that's not what you wanted to hear."
Remus swallowed his disappointment at her words. No, it most definitely wasn't what he wanted to hear. When she'd embraced him, he couldn't help but hope that it meant that she was ready to finally let him show her how much he loved her, but he took heart in the fact that she didn't rule out a relationship in the future. If Evangeline needed more time, then that's what he'd give her. If eventually he could have her in his arms then it would be worth the wait…he had no doubt about that.
He nodded and kissed the top of her head. "I understand Angel, and I stand by what I told you. I'll take whatever you're willing to give me, and I'll never pressure you for more. I do need to ask you something though, and please be honest with me, don't try to protect my feelings, okay?"
She raised her head from his chest and looked at him curiously. "You can ask me anything, Remus. I won't lie to you."
"Does your reluctance to let me into your life have anything at all to do with what that bastard Malfoy made me do to you in that tower in the Forbidden Forest? Do you feel repulsed by the thought of being close to me because I treated you so horribly?" He held his breath.
She smiled understandingly at the fear in his eyes and shook her head. "No, Remus. What happened in that damned tower has no bearing on how I feel about you…or how I could ever feel about you. I've never blamed you for that incident; I thought you understood that. The blame for that horror belongs to Lucius Malfoy alone, as far as I'm concerned. Please, let's leave all that in the past okay? I'd really rather not think about that ever again."
"That's fine with me. It's certainly not something that I ever want to talk about again. I'd much rather focus on the future than the past anyway, and in regard to the future, I want you to make me a promise."
"What sort of promise?" A slight wariness entered her eyes.
He smiled at her as he caught a stray lock of hair and slid it gently behind her ear. "I want you to promise me that you'll begin to try to make a real life for yourself here. Don't continue to hide yourself away and brood over the past. Severus would want you to be happy, you know. Just because you don't feel ready to get intimately involved with anyone is no reason for you to live like a hermit. I know you need to be careful about who knows where you are, but you can't let fear and sorrow make you a prisoner. You're still alive, Angel. You need to find a way to make peace with your life and find a measure of happiness in it."
She nodded sadly. "I know you're right, Remus, and I promise to try."
He hugged her tighter again. "That's all I can ask."
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Remus stayed with Evangeline for a little less than a week. Now that they'd cleared the air a bit, the rest of the visit was pleasant and comfortable and incredibly heartening to Remus. The more time they spent together, the more right it felt to him. Keeping the visit short seemed like the right thing to do. He'd rather make several short visits than ever take the chance of overstaying his welcome. There were also other less pleasant things he needed to do over the summer. Tasks assigned to him by Albus Dumbledore, and he knew better than to discuss those with Evangeline.
A week before term began in the fall, he returned for another visit, hopeful, happy, and eager to see her again. When he appeared outside Evangeline's cottage this time and knocked on her door, it flew open almost immediately catching him by surprise. A very relaxed looking witch stood there grinning at him happily.
"Hello, Remus. I'm glad you could come for another visit. It's good to see you."
Delighted at her greeting, he dropped his bag, grabbed her, and twirled her around in his arms before putting her down and giving her a big hug. "Evangeline. It's good to see you, too. You're looking wonderful."
She smiled up at him. "Thanks. You're looking good, too. Did you have a nice summer?"
As they talked, he retrieved his bag and resting his other arm along her shoulders the two of them went together into the house. Casually he dropped the bag in the sitting room, and they proceeded through the cottage to the kitchen, where Evangeline got him a cool drink and began to grill him on what he did over the summer.
He found he had to be careful about what he told her. Anything that had to do with the struggle with Voldemort seemed like something to stay away from. So he told her the true but innocuous stuff. That he basically, ate, slept, and caught up on the reading he needed to do to prepare for the next term at school that started in less than a week.
"I also had a nice long visit from Sirius in early August. He says to say hello to you." He finished off his recitation with a smile.
She smiled back. "The next time you see him, tell him that I said hello back. What's he up to these days? It's a shame that no one can seem to do anything towards clearing his name. You'd think that the "all powerful, all knowing, Albus Dumbledore" could've managed something like that if he really wanted to." Her tone had turned decidedly bitter at the end of her statement.
Lupin decided not to go there, and merely added, "Sirius is doing lots of undercover work for the cause. I'm afraid his name's not going to be cleared until Peter Pettigrew is captured, and unfortunately that hasn't happened yet."
She nodded sadly and changed the subject. "Well, I've been doing quite a bit more painting. I've found a little shop in the closest Muggle village, just a couple miles down the road that's owned by a very nice lady who's willing to sell my paintings on commission. The unanimated ones, of course," she said with a smile. "They're surprisingly popular, so keeping her supplied has taken up quite a lot of my time."
Happy to be on safer ground, Lupin returned her smile. "Of course, your paintings are going to be popular, Angel. You're a wonderfully talented painter. I've always loved your work."
"Thank you, Remus, but frankly I've always thought that my friends were possibly biased. It's nice to get the approval of totally uninvolved strangers in this instance."
He laughed and conceded her point. "I suppose so."
The smile faded from her face, and she gazed at him more seriously. He felt a shiver run through him at her contemplative look, unsure of what it meant.
"There's something I'd like to ask you, Remus."
His heart began to beat faster as he nodded. "You know that you can ask me anything, Evangeline."
She smiled faintly. "Yes, I know. I want to try to make something for you if you'll let me."
Puzzled, he shook his head. "Of course, Angel. You can make anything you want for me."
Hoping to lighten up what suddenly felt rather serious, he grinned hopefully and asked, "Have you taken up knitting, by any chance? I could use a nice warm scarf…in Gryffindor red and gold, of course."
Amused at his playful tone, she smiled and shook her head. "No, I'll never be any good at knitting. I tried it once and kept stabbing myself with the needles. Those things are lethal! Besides, I'm pretty sure that the Slytherin code of honor has something in it that forbids me from producing anything in "Gryffindor red and gold"!"
He chuckled. "Oh, heavens…well, I certainly wouldn't want to be responsible for getting you kicked out of Slytherin for honor violations."
With warmth sparkling in her eyes, she continued, "Actually, what I meant was that I'd like to try making the Wolfsbane Potion for you, if you'd like me to that is."
His mouth dropped open in awe. "Really? That's a lot of work, Angel. Are you sure that you want to go to that much trouble?"
A kind smile spread gently over her face. "You've done so much for me, Remus. I'd like to be able to return the favor. You're not getting it anywhere else at the moment, are you?"
He sighed. "No. It's not as if you can purchase the potion in a convenient store, and I don't know anyone who's as talented as Severus was at potions. The new Potions instructor doesn't seem to be very many steps ahead of the students, I'm afraid. She did try to make the potion, but the results weren't exactly as effective as they should've been. I'm afraid Audra Carstairs was fresh out of school when she came to Hogwarts, and I suspect, not exactly top of her class. I guess, there weren't many really good ones to choose from when Albus had to hire someone. Rather than force her to keep trying, I've been resorting to the tried and true method of locking myself up during a full moon. Not pleasant but effective."
Lupin hesitated, and then added. "Do you really think you could make the Wolfsbane Potion? I don't mean to be pessimistic, but I know it's not an easy potion to make, and you aren't an expert at potions, Angel. Audra is trained in potions, after all. If she wasn't able to manage it, do you really think you'll have any better luck?"
"I can't promise anything, Remus, but I'd really like to give it a try. I'll admit that I'm nowhere near as good at potions as Severus was, but I've always had pretty good luck with them. I had top grades in Potions in school. Remember, my father was a Potions Master, and I spent a good deal of my childhood in his lab watching him work. Also I watched Severus make the potion for you several times. I even helped him more than once, so I have some experience with it. I really think I could do it. Would you let me try?"
Touched by her thoughtfulness he nodded. "Of course! It's so kind of you to offer. If you can make it successfully, it would be a tremendous help. I always feel a lot safer around other people when I can use the potion."
"Good. I kept several of Severus' potions books, including the one with that recipe in it. It contains all of his extremely specific annotations, and I've got almost a month to practice. You will have to come here to try it out, though. I can't take it to Hogwarts, I'm sorry, but I just can't go back there." She looked regretful but determined.
"That's okay, Angel. It won't be a problem. Any excuse to come to see you is always fine with me."