Chapter Nine: Steps in the Dark
The prisoner was a prisoner no more, but what was he? Who was he? He didn't know. After what had felt like hours of stumbling along in the darkness of the uneven tunnel, he'd finally come out of it into the dim light of early twilight, to find himself standing on the rocky shore of the ocean, high above the pounding waves. The air was crisp and cold and very damp with the sea so close. The surroundings that he could see from his limited vantage point looked quite wild and deserted. He supposed that made sense. It was a lot easier to hide an unauthorized prison in the emptiness of the open countryside than it would be where there were lots of people around to ask too many embarrassing questions.
After thinking it over he decided that it would be better to stay where he was for the night than to wander around in the coming darkness with no idea where he was going. He really wasn't at all sure just what his next move should be, and he found himself quite exhausted after all that walking, to which he was no longer accustomed. His limbs were actually shaking with fatigue as he retreated into the interior of the tunnel to get out of the cold night air.
Now that he was free, he was going to have to decide on a course of action. The problem was that he had absolutely no idea just what that course should be. How could he make any decisions if he didn't know who he was or where he was or where he belonged? He'd never thought beyond the cell that had become his whole world. If he was honest with himself, he knew that he never expected to leave that cell alive. There'd been no reason to ever assume that he'd be able to live some sort of life again, but here he was…free.
Exhaustion suddenly overwhelmed him, and he realized that he wasn't capable of rationally considering the problem at the moment. His abused body wasn't used to exercise of any sort and walking all that way through the rough tunnel had used up what limited reserves of energy he had. He'd have to wait until he'd had some rest before he made any decisions about the future. So he made himself as comfortable as possible on the floor of the cave, wrapped up in the warmth of the cloak, and fell instantly to sleep next to the glow of the enchanted torch.
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Remus Lupin appeared at the door to Evangeline's cottage just before nightfall. He knocked at the door and was surprised when it was flung open quickly, and she threw herself on him, hugging him tightly.
"There you are. I've been worried about you. What took you so long? I expected you hours ago. Your message said you'd be here by mid-afternoon." Her voice was chiding with a touch of anxiety in it.
It warmed Remus' heart to think that she might be concerned about him. "I'm sorry, Angel. I didn't have a stray moment until now. Something unexpected came up, and I didn't get a chance to send you a note. I really should drink the potion quickly. It needs time to work, and even though moonrise isn't for several hours yet, the sooner I take it the better."
She drew him into the cottage and into the kitchen, where she filled a goblet from the cauldron over the fire. Without a word she handed it to him and watched as he drained it dry. "Do you need another cupful?"
Reluctantly he nodded. "It probably would be wise."
While he downed the second drink, Evangeline said, "I'm so glad this potion is working for you, Remus."
Placing the smoking cup down on the table with a sense of relief, Remus smiled at her. "It's working fine, Evangeline. I'm so grateful that you're able to do this for me. It's really been a big help. I feel so much better knowing that I won't completely lose control over myself when I become a wolf. The fear of hurting someone when I'm in my wolf form is always in the front of my mind. Not having to worry about that gives me the only peace of mind I can have as long as I'm a werewolf. Which, unfortunately, will be as long as I live."
She nodded sadly at him and ran a comforting hand down his arm to squeeze his forearm gently.
He watched her carefully as he asked. "Does that bother you at all, Angel?"
A look of confusion crossed her features as she asked, "Does what bother me, Remus?"
"That I'm a werewolf? Does it ever make you afraid of me?" His voice was soft as he asked this question that had become more and more of a concern to him as he'd grown closer to this woman who owned his heart.
Immediately she shook her head, anxious to reassure him. "No. That's simply who you are. I've always known you were a werewolf. That's never been a factor in how I felt about you. I know you. The real you…in here." She laid a hand gently on his chest. "How could I ever be afraid of the wonderful kind man you are? I know you'd never intentionally hurt me. I'm not afraid of you, Remus."
He smiled in relief. "Good. Because I'd never want to see fear in those lovely eyes when you looked at me. Which is why I should get back. Sirius is waiting for me…impatiently, I'm sure. We have a meeting to get to."
"What were you up to this afternoon that delayed you getting here to take the potion, anyway?" She asked curiously.
Damn! He hesitated before answering. That was a subject that he really hadn't intended to get into with her, but he didn't see any way out of it now. Lying to her was simply something he refused to do under any circumstances. Although, perhaps he could minimize the danger involved when talking about it. The last thing he wanted to do was upset her. If only Dumbledore hadn't insisted on his presence at this raid. There didn't seem to have been any particular need for him to be there, but the headmaster had clearly wanted him there, so he'd gone, worrying all the while that he'd end up having to explain things to Evangeline, since he had to see her today for the potion. Unfortunate timing, but nothing he could do about it now.
"Sirius and I, along with a few others, raided a Death Eater compound not too far from here actually. We rescued several prisoners and captured a couple of Death Eaters. No one of any particular importance, though." He explained reluctantly.
The color drained from her face as she looked at him. "Were you hurt? Was anyone hurt?"
Hurriedly he shook his head. "No. They were completely surprised. We took them over very easily, although one of the prisoners was killed and a couple of Death Eaters escaped in the commotion."
She turned away from him and clenched her fists at her side. "But you could've been hurt…or killed, couldn't you? This was another one of Dumbledore's little missions, wasn't it?"
Not sure what he could say that would ease her fears, he simply stood there and looked at her.
When he didn't answer immediately, she whirled around to face him again. Two angry spots of red stood out on her cheeks as she spat. "Wasn't it?"
Reluctant to further upset her, he nevertheless nodded and spoke quietly. "Yes, it was on Dumbledore's orders and information that we moved on this particular place. I work for him, Angel…not only as a teacher."
She looked slightly stunned to be so baldly confronted with this unpleasant truth that she'd allowed herself to forget, and she took a step back away from Remus. "Yes. Yes, you do don't you. I'd forgotten about that." Her voice sounded distant and pained. "I didn't want to think about it, but I can't let myself forget. It wouldn't be wise. I could lose you, too. Just like Severus…just as suddenly…on Dumbledore's word."
She turned around and walked back toward the front door of the cottage. Feeling like he was suddenly losing something precious, Remus followed after her and grasped her gently by the arm, turning her to face him once more.
Tears glistened in her eyes and began to coat her eyelashes with sparkling tokens of her distress. Her throat tightened as she whispered in a pain filled tone. "We live on a giant chessboard, Remus. Dumbledore and Voldemort play with our lives. We never know from day to day when one or the other of them will decide that he has no more use for us. Or that if he sacrifices us, another more important piece gets to survive a little bit longer. They'll play and they'll play…until they're the only two pieces left in the game. Two kings circling each other endlessly in this ceaseless game of power and death."
Desperate to comfort her, Remus put his arms around her and held her gently against his chest. "Oh, Angel. Please, don't look at it like that. Dumbledore and Voldemort aren't alike. Voldemort cares for nothing and no one but himself and the power he can obtain and the horror he can create. Albus merely seeks to stop him…as I do…as countless others do…as I thought you did, as well."
Angrily she nodded, her cheek rubbing forcefully up and down against the front of his robe. "Of course, I want to stop him. How can you doubt that? Voldemort is evil incarnate. He desperately needs to be stopped, but at what cost? You venerate Dumbledore as the great leader who'll lead the forces of good to victory, but in war, choices have to be made. People are sacrificed…for the supposedly greater good of the many. That's an awful lot of power to give to any one person, Remus. Even someone as wise as Albus Dumbledore is supposed to be. He's not infallible, after all. He's made horrible mistakes. I'm living proof of that. I just don't know if I could live through another one of his mistakes."
Remus hugged her even tighter. He really should go, time was his enemy here, but this was a horrible way for him to be leaving her. "Angel, look at me…please."
Reluctantly she turned her face up to his.
"Nothing is going to happen to me. Please, don't worry. I'll be very careful. I promise. I have to live my life, though. So do you. We can't stop living just because we're afraid. We only get one life, and we have no choice but to play the cards that fate deals to us."
God, he hated to ask this, but he had to. "Do you want me to stop coming to see you, Evangeline? I don't want to, but if it would ease your mind not to have to worry about me, I'm willing to stop coming to visit."
He held his breath as she stared at him, thoughts running rampant across her features as her mind raced to consider all the possibilities. Slowly she shook her head.
"No, Remus. That wouldn't help. Even if I never saw you again, I'd always worry about you, and wonder what awful things might be happening to you. It's better to know the truth than to let my imagination run wildly through my mind digging up horrible possibilities for me to obsess over. Besides I've come to care far too much about you to ever be content with the thought of never seeing you again."
Relief showed through his warm eyes as he smiled down at her. "I'm so glad to hear you say that, Angel."
Together they turned towards the door, arms around each other. As they got there and opened it, Evangeline turned and spoke once more. "Actually I wanted to ask you something before you go, Remus."
He smiled down at her as he turned to hold her loosely within the circle of his arms. "Anything."
"Would you consider coming and spending Christmas with me this year? I'd really like to have a longer visit with you again. I miss spending more time with you. We never have much time when you come to get the Wolfsbane Potion."
His heart began to pound joyfully at this unexpected invitation. "I'd love to, Angel. Nothing would make me happier. I can't think of anyone else I'd rather spend the holidays with."
She smiled. "Christmas was always one of my favorite holidays when I was younger. The last two haven't been very pleasant, though. Perhaps this year can be better."
He caressed her cheek gently as he slipped his hand into her hair and drew her closer to kiss her goodbye, murmuring. "I'll do my very best to see that it's the most wonderful one you've ever had, Angel. I promise."
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After the noise of the meeting, the silence of the now all but empty office was smothering to the weary wizard sitting behind the desk. Once Black, Lupin and the others had left after giving their reports, Albus Dumbledore had dropped his head into his hands and sighed deeply. It had been very hard to hide his disappointment from the triumphant wizards and witches who, after all, hadn't known of the hopes that had been riding on their actions. Vain hopes that had been nothing more than much desired illusion, as it turned out. The rescuers had been overjoyed that their mission had gone so well…so smoothly. It wasn't their fault that he didn't totally agree with them. As far as they knew, the mission had indeed been a success, and it had, to a point…a very important point.
The Headmaster rose from his chair and went to stare out of the blank window into the dark cloudy night beyond. The ashes of intense disappointment tasted bitter in his mouth. He hadn't wanted to admit, even to himself how much he'd needed to believe that Severus Snape wasn't dead, after all. The information he'd managed to glean from his sources had seemed genuine, but apparently, despite appearances, it had been in error.
According to everything he'd been told, if Snape had survived all this time in the Dark Lord's hands, he would have been found in the prison that they'd liberated tonight, and he hadn't been. That was the main reason he'd been careful to include Lupin and Black in the rescue party. They wouldn't have failed to recognize Snape, no matter what his condition had been after more than a year in captivity.
Dumbledore closed his eyes and leaned resignedly against the window frame, the very picture of a defeated old man. If Voldemort could but see him now, he'd be absolutely sure of his ultimate victory. Guilt is such a soul killing emotion. It eats its victims up from the inside out.
He'd sent Severus into the arms of his enemies with barely a thought. So sure was he that nothing could possibly happen. So much for the image of being all-knowing. Now he was without his friend and also without that which he'd sent him to retrieve. Both had ended up in Voldemort's clutches, and an innocent child and her heartbroken mother had paid the ultimate price for his miscalculation.
Thank goodness, he hadn't told Evangeline that he had reason to believe that her husband was still alive. He'd been as wrong now as he'd been then. Perhaps his own need to believe that Severus hadn't been killed had deluded him this time. Yes indeed, guilt plays tricks on us all, none worse than on those with the guilt of the death of a close friend on their conscience.
As Dumbledore continued to lean wearily against the window, Fawkes dropped down from his perch and alighted on the wizard's thin shoulder, rubbing his bright head against that of his friend in sympathy. The elder wizard treasured the presence of the magnificent Phoenix, but even Fawkes's warm sympathy and healing touch couldn't take the deep pain of disappointment and guilt from his overburdened heart.
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Author's Notes: To make up for his long absence the next chapter is entirely Snape, as he tries to decide how to survive and recover his memory.
Arachne's Child: Yes, there's definitely some heartbreak ahead.
Enfleurage: I'm sorry that the story is moving too slowly for you. I'm not trying to stretch things out unmercifully honest. I simply need for some things to happen before everyone knows that Snape is still alive, and if I rush it…no one will believe it.
Jtyw: Let's not worry about the end of the story just yet.
Sage and Snape: Thanks. I'm glad that I can still surprise you. You find out exactly what Snape decides to do with himself next chapter.
Elbereth94: Yes, if Remus and Evangeline make love, technically she will have committed adultery, but if that happened, I would hope that most people wouldn't hold it against her since there's absolutely no way she could know that her husband is still alive.
Me: Severus wants to be back where he belongs too…if he could just figure out where that is!
Savy: Thanks. I'm glad you're enjoying the story.
Dark-angel12003: Thank you. It's a tremendous compliment to be told that your work is compelling enough to keep a reader from other things. :) I wish I did have a cure for writer's block. I've been suffering some myself in regard to another story I've been working on…actually trying to work on would be more accurate. The only thing I can suggest is…don't force it. If left to its own devices the mind will sometimes make really interesting connections all on its own. I hope it gets better for you soon.
Werecat99: Everyone seems to want that portrait of Severus, but it's already lurking in the back of my closet. Sorry. :) As for dinner…it's a good thing the potion worked, isn't it? Yes, everyone is in for a huge surprise a few chapters down the road.
Nataly Ravenlock: I'm glad that you're enjoying the story, and that the darker tone of this one doesn't put you off. Thank you for taking the time to plow through all three of the stories. I know that takes a lot of time, and I'm pleased that they could hold your interest. Thanks again for your kind words.