Chapter Eleven: Enough
Remus Lupin was a happy man. The time had finally come! The time he'd been waiting for, for over a year. The time he'd been dreaming about for far longer than that, if he was honest. This visit to Cornwall would be the answer to all his dreams. He just knew it. Evangeline was finally ready to let him into her life in a more intimate way. She hadn't exactly said so in so many words, but he could tell. She'd never invited him to come and stay with her before. He'd always been the one to initiate their visits. That she'd done so this time had to mean something, and what else could it mean? They'd been heading inexorably in this direction for a long time now. Inch by inch they'd been feeling their way towards each other until at last they were ready to connect.
No longer did the touch of his lips on hers cause her to jump like a nervous animal. Her kisses were more definite, more loving, as if she wanted to kiss him almost as much as he wanted her to. She'd let him kiss her, and embrace her lovingly, and now she'd invited him to come and spend the holidays with her. Yes, this had to mean that she was finally ready to fully open her arms to him, and he was so much more than ready to respond. This was going to be the best Christmas that he'd ever had. No doubt about it.
Humming happily to himself, Remus was busily packing clothes into a bag when suddenly he was distracted by a knock on the door.
He raised his head from his folding and called out for whoever was knocking to come in as he walked out of the bedroom and back into his classroom with a shirt still in his hands.
The door opened to reveal Sirius Black standing there with a big grin on his face. "Hi, Remus. I'm glad I caught you before you left. I wanted to wish you good luck and a Merry Christmas, of course."
Remus smiled at his friend. "Well, this is a switch…you bothering to knock. It's good to see you, Sirius. Are you here to spend Christmas with Harry?"
Sirius nodded as he casually wandered around the room looking at anything that caught his fancy. "Yeah. I really need a break after the activity of the last few months. I haven't been able to spend as much time with Harry as I've wanted to. So I'm really looking forward to this visit. He's growing up so fast, and I've missed so much of it. I'm sorry that you aren't going to be around, though. I was looking forward to spending a little time with you, too."
He paused in his wanderings and focused more seriously on his friend. "Are you sure this is the right move? Going to spend Christmas with Evangeline, I mean."
Caught by surprise at his question, Remus scowled at his friend as if he'd said something incredibly stupid. "Of course I'm sure. Why would you even ask that?"
Sirius hesitated and shrugged his shoulders. "I just don't want to see you get hurt."
Remus turned away with a snort and strode briskly back into the bedroom. His friend's doubts were fast taking the edge off his happiness. "Evangeline isn't going to hurt me, Sirius. Why would you even suggest that?"
Sirius followed him into the bedroom and stood in the doorway. "No, of course not…not intentionally, but …". He paused, unsure just how to phrase what he wanted to say.
Remus flung his last shirt into his bag as he found himself getting annoyed and turned back to his friend with his hands firmly planted on his hips. "But what?" He exclaimed with a scowl.
Sirius sighed. "I never could see what she saw in Snape, but regardless of what it was…it was the real thing for her. I can still vividly remember the expressions on their faces at their wedding. I can honestly say that I've never seen anyone look happier or more in love not even James and Lily, and they were pretty mushy." He grinned at Remus, but the werewolf didn't return the grin.
In the face of Remus' obvious annoyance, Sirius dropped the grin and rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously. He was a bit sorry now that he'd ever started this conversation, but his concerns forced him to continue.
"Look…what I'm trying to say is that Evangeline loved Snape with a depth of feeling that I've rarely seen in anyone. I know it's been more than a year, but I can't help thinking that one year…five years…ten years…aren't going to matter. She'll always love him, Remus, and where does that leave you?"
His happy mood dimmed by his friend's concerns, Remus sighed. "You're right, Sirius. She will always love him, more than she could ever love me, but ultimately that doesn't matter. He's dead. Severus is dead, and he's not coming back. He can't hold her in his arms anymore. He can't make love to her. He can't keep her warm at night, and she needs that. I know damn well she does. Sooner or later she'll accept it from somebody else, and I want to make damn sure it's me!"
With determination etched strongly on his features, he exclaimed. "She's going to be mine, Sirius! If that means accepting the fact that she'll never love me the way that she loved him, then so be it. I'm at the point where I don't care any more. I'll take whatever I can get. I have no choice. I'll wait until hell freezes over if I have to, but Evangeline is going to be mine."
Sirius looked sadly at his friend. "And that will really be enough for you? Playing second fiddle to a dead man?"
"It's certainly not ideal, but it's the only option I've got, and it's infinitely preferable to not having her in my life at all. I spent a long time trying to get over her Sirius, but I never seemed to be able to do it. I love her. I think that finally… I can have her. If she doesn't love me the way that I love her…well, that's just the way it is. As long as I'm the man in her arms, then yeah…whatever I get will be enough for me. It'll have to be."
"I hope so, Remus. I really do."
***************************************************************************************************
Evangeline stood before her dressing table and contemplated her reflection in the mirror. She looked very pale. The scoop necked green gown may have helped bring out the red highlights in her hair, but it made her look as transparent as a ghost. Damn it! What should she wear? Why was she so nervous? It was just Remus, after all. He wouldn't care what she wore. He'd probably be happier if she wore nothing at all.
A shiver ran through her at the thought. "Oh, god…am I making a horrible mistake? I've come to care for Remus an awful lot…much more than I'd have ever thought possible once, but I don't really love him…not the way I should if I'm contemplating making love to him…letting him make love to me."
She closed her eyes. "I miss a warm touch on my skin more than I ever thought I would. I miss being close to someone, being held and caressed…and kissed. Is it wrong to reach out for that again…from someone who wants to give it? He says he doesn't care that I don't love him the way I loved Severus. The way I'll always love Severus. Is it possible that he's telling the truth, or is changing the parameters of our relationship merely going to ruin it?"
Evangeline found herself thinking back to the conversation she'd had with Minerva earlier in the week when she'd told her that she'd invited Remus to spend Christmas with her.
Minerva had smiled at her and said. "Remus must be very happy that you asked him, Evangeline. Does this mean a change in your relationship is in the offing?"
Evangeline had nodded hesitantly. "That's what I intended when I asked him, but I still feel a bit unsure about it. What's wrong with me, Minerva? Remus is a wonderful man. I care so much about him, but I just can't make myself love him like he wants me to. He swears that that doesn't matter to him, but how can it not?"
"Remus is a grown man, Evangeline. You've been totally honest with him. He knows how you feel, and he's willing to accept whatever you can give him in a relationship. What you need to concern yourself with is how you feel. Are you ready to move on with your life? Are you over Severus?"
That blunt question had cut into her heart like a knife. There was only one answer, and she'd given it without hesitation. "No. Minerva, I'll never be over Severus. I know without a doubt, that I'll never love anyone else the way that I loved him, but he's dead…dead." Her voice had trailed off with a tightening of her throat, and it took her a moment before she could continue. "I have to find a way to move on…to move forward. I can't ever have Severus with me again. Does that mean I have to be alone for the rest of my life?"
Minerva had smiled sadly at her. "Only you can make that decision, Evangeline."
Slowly she opened her eyes once more. She'd made her decision; at least she thought she had. Why was she second guessing herself now? Her reflection had no answers for her. Impulsively she reached out and opened the lid on a crystal music box that stood on the surface of the dressing table. It was the only thing she'd kept that had belonged to her mother. The haunting strains of Fur Elise filled the room and transported Evangeline back to her childhood as she remembered listening to this tune whenever her mother was getting dressed for some evening affair of one sort or another. The music washed over her like a pleasant breeze, calming, soothing, quieting her tumultuous thoughts. Comforted she smiled fondly at the source of the music then the smile froze on her face as her eyes caught sight of what rested within the music box. How could she have forgotten it was there?
With a trembling hand she reached out and plucked the necklace from its crystal nest. It sat in the middle of her palm and winked at her in the late afternoon light. The most beautiful thing she owned…the heart shaped ruby necklace that Severus had given to her. The one and only Christmas gift she'd ever received from him. With a shock, she realized that she'd been without him now for longer than she'd known him. How is it possible to have loved someone so much and yet to have known them for so short a time? She'd known him barely more than a year, without a doubt the most important year of her life. The only time in her life that she'd known absolute happiness and love despite all the difficulties they'd gone through together. Together…had been all that mattered.
Clutching the necklace in her fist, she brought it to her chest as tears sprang from nowhere and her legs suddenly refused to support her. She sank down to the floor and leaned back against the bed. Grief and loneliness overwhelmed her once more as she saw his image swim in front of her blurry eyes. Why did this have to happen to her? Damn it! Why now? She was so sure that she'd gotten past all this pain. That she'd put Severus away in a part of her heart that she'd locked up forever. Why was he continuing to escape at odd moments?
With a ragged breath, she opened her hand and ran a delicate finger over the heart she held in her palm. She stared at it for a long moment then got determinedly to her feet. She dropped the necklace back into its prison and slammed the lid shut.
No! She wasn't going to do this. Not again…never again. Severus was dead! He's dead! Somehow she had to accept it and move on. There was no other choice! That meant Remus Lupin. This time she was going to accept his love. She'd already decided that. It was too late to turn back now. He'd be here soon, and he was going to be expecting her to tell him she was ready to accept him…into her life…into her arms…into her bed.
Determined to ignore the worries that continued to gnaw at the back of her brain, she wiped her face angrily with her fingers. Damn it…she was ready. She was! She needed Remus, and he wanted to be needed. He loved her. That would be enough…it just had to be.
***************************************************************************************************
Steven shifted boxes around in the barn that sat out behind Mrs. Trevalleyn's shop. Where could that box of picture frames be? She'd said it would be right on top of the workbench in the corner. Well, this was the only workbench he could see, and there were clearly no picture frames here. He glanced around in disgust. How could anyone find anything in all this mess, anyway? Obviously this place hadn't been given a good cleaning in years. As he shifted boxes and poked into corners, it ran through his mind that there was an easier way to do this.
He paused and straightened up stiffly trying to ease the burning ache in his shoulders. Hesitantly he held his right hand out in front of him. An image of himself holding a stick in it and moving it around kept flashing through his mind. A stick? Why the hell should he be waving a bloody stick around in his hand? What earthly use would that be? Was he conducting music perhaps? No, that didn't seem quite right. He didn't seem the musical type.
If he was reading the image correctly, he was trying to do something with the stick…but what? It made no sense. Still the image was clear and vivid. As strange as it seemed, it was another memory. He was sure of that. The memory eruptions were coming through more clearly and more often now. Although most of it still didn't make the least bit of sense, like waving sticks about and flying on brooms instead of sweeping with them. Whoever he'd been in his former life, he must've been a very odd person. Maybe he was a writer. Maybe that was why all these strange and fanciful things kept coming to him. They could be nothing more than the vivid after effects of an overly active imagination.
But what about her? The green-eyed Angel who smiled at him and danced with him in his mind. Was she merely a product of his imagination, too? A strong wave of sadness washed over him at the thought. No. She had to be real. No imaginary image could be so strong and vital. He didn't merely see her in his mind, he felt her warmth, he smelled her scent; he had to have known her, cared for her…possibly loved her. There had to be a way to remember. Why couldn't he remember?
Somehow he felt he'd done this to himself…that he needed to forget for some unfathomable reason, but whatever it was, the danger was over now, wasn't it? He snorted to himself in disgust. How was he to know? He was free now, but without his memories, it felt as if he was still in a cage. How could he go on if he didn't know why he'd been a prisoner? Once he'd escaped he hadn't known where to go, what to do. He didn't even know who to trust. Perhaps Mrs. Trevalleyn only seemed to be a kindly old lady. Maybe she was really one of those devils in black robes who'd tortured him daily for months on end.
Whoa! Where had that memory come from? He'd been tortured? Well, considering all the scars he'd found on his body once he'd had a chance to look closely, that really wasn't much of a stretch. But daily? My, god, could anyone survive being tortured daily? For how long? Months? Years? Gods…could it possibly be years? Why? Damn it, this was so frustrating! Not remembering might have served its purpose once, but now it merely made his life more difficult. He needed answers. Who was he? What was his real name? Steven didn't feel quite right. Why had he been in prison? Had he done something wrong? Committed some crime? No. That didn't seem quite right either. No legally sanctioned prison went in for the kind of torture that he'd apparently been subjected to. Someone had obviously hated him with a viciousness that was breathtaking to contemplate, but why? What had he possibly done to provoke such horrible treatment?
Wearily he closed his eyes and sighed. Speculating and wondering was an exercise in futility! If he recognized anything in himself, it was impatience. He needed to know…now! Drifting along, waiting for the answers to come to him, wasn't any good. It simply didn't seem to be in his nature to be willing to do that without complaint. Danger could still be lurking out there for him, and he couldn't even recognize it if he saw it. Someone wanted him to suffer…possibly die; yet if they knocked on his door tomorrow, he wouldn't know them for who they were. That couldn't be allowed to continue. For his own safety and peace of mind, he had to figure out who he was and who hated him so much and why. Somehow he had to find a way to remember. Simply waiting around for the answers to find him wasn't enough. It never would be.
*******************************************************************************************************
Author's Notes: If anyone is interested in getting an e-mail notification when I post a new chapter of this story, just leave your e-mail address in a review or e-mail me directly and let me know. I'll be happy to send you one. :) Apparently I'm not getting notices of all my reviews again, so if I've missed responding to anyone, I apologize.
SevyHero: At the moment this story looks to be 30 or 31 chapters in length. That could change, although I doubt if it will very much.
Sage and Snape: I'm glad you liked the chapter. Evangeline is quite close to where Severus is physically, but I promise they are not going to just miss each other all over the place over and over again. That sort of maneuvering drives me crazy. There'll be one close encounter and then the truth comes out. You're right…Steven doesn't fit him, and he knows it isn't right.
Elbereth94: I'm glad you find the characters to be real. In real life there aren't always neat answers to problems. Things do end up emotionally messy sometimes. No offense taken. To be honest, I've never read a story, that I can recall anyway, with a male protagonist who's lost his memory. So if I've stumbled into a major cliché, I hope you'll forgive me. I had to come up with some reason that she'd have something on hand for him to wear.
Weasleyweasle: I'm sorry that you so dislike the idea of Remus and Evangeline being together. Feeling as you do, I'm a bit surprised that you've stayed with me through three stories, although I'm always happy to have people reading. In the long run it's just as useful to have people tell me what they dislike about what I'm doing as well as what they like about it…as long as they explain their objections. I hope you don't think that Evangeline views her husband's death as an easy excuse to go have fun with someone else. That was certainly not my intention and if it reads like that then I need to rethink things. While I understand the impulse to want Severus to find someone as well to balance things out and get back at his wife for cheating on him…that doesn't really fit with the reality of the current situation. Severus knows that he can't afford to trust just anyone. Until he knows a lot more about what happened to him and why, he's not going to get close to anyone, even if the chance presents itself. He's not a naturally trusting person, after all. Thanks for your comments. I hope you'll keep reading.
Koolcaz: Everyone will be very shocked to see Snape alive, believe me. :)