Albus: Thank you, professors, for being so prompt in arriving for this meeting. As I seem to have to do every year, I have gathered you here to introduce the new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teachers.
Severus: Teachers?? Don't TELL me I have to teach this with someone else! grumbles
Albus: No, Severus, you won't be, because you are NEVER going to teach this class. Remember what happened last time? You go so angry that you Avada Kedavra'd some poor first year."
Severus: grinning Yeah, and he deserved it.
Albus: sighing Anyways, the new Defense teachers this year shall be Fred and George Weasley."
Severus: WHAT?!! YOU'RE LETTING THOSE FOOLS TEACH THAT CLASS?!?!!?!?!
Albus: Of course. The boys, though quite mischievous in their school days, were quite brilliant. Their store..
Severus: THEIR STORE BLEW UP A SQUARE BLOCK OF HOGSMEADE!
"SEVERUS. Please stifle yourself, or leave. You're just pissed that they blew up your house. Severus pondered the possibility of missing yet another faculty meeting, but decided it would be much more fun to glare at Dumbledore
Minerva: Personally, Albus. I think the boys would be a perfect addition to the Hogwarts teaching staff. We do need some young blood around.
Binns: Was that a jab, Minerva? Binns looks seriously hurt
Minerva: I seriously didn't think… I apologize.
Albus: Anyways, The twins have apparently perfected a potion **EVIL SNAPE GLARE O' DOOOOOOOM** that when put into candy form allows a student to assume the form of Dark animals. While in this state, the other students can practice on the student, and none of the damage is inflicted on the student. Liking this new hands-on approach to Defense class, I decided to hire them. I know it's been difficult for some of you in the past when former students have joined the faculty **glances briefly at Snape** but please treat them as you would any other faculty member."
[…]
Fred: Class, give in your seats. Oh shut it! It's not that hard. Even we could sit down and shut up when we were here!
George: Shut it, Fred, of course we could.
Fred: No, George. No. We really couldn't.
George: I know, but THEY don't need to know that! Oh…" George suddenly realizes that a large group of baffled first-years had witnessed the entire fight
George: Aight, like I said, shuttup and sit down. Today's lesson will be probably the MOST important lesson you'll ever have at Hogwarts. SNAPE IS EVIL! Now repeat after me! George sweeps his arms like a conductor SNAPE IS EVIL!!!! No one, not even Fred, joins in with him
Francis: Well, duh, everyone knows that.
George: glaring And WHO might you be?"
Francis: Finnegan, sir. Francis Finnegan."
Fred and George: moaning Oh bloody 'ell
George: Anywho, like any dark creature, Snape has his weakness. Does anyone know what this is?
Leslie: "OOOhhhh, OOOHHH, PICK ME"
Fred: Give off, Leslie. We KNOW you know it. That at least you inherited from Hermione, I mean your mother"
Leslie: Sorry Uncle Fred Leslie Weasley, daughter of Ron and Hermione Weasley sits, head hanging, burning face hiding under her bushy black hair, a single tear sliding down her hooked nose.
George: Severus', I mean Professor Snape's one and ONLY weakness (other than Lily Evans, hehe) is….CHOCOLATE!!
Leslie: Realization flying across her face Uncle George, is THAT why Professor Snape likes Uncle Rem..
Fred: WE TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THAT!!!! But the answer is yes, sweetie winks And might I say I'm very happy to have finally gotten THAT out I the open. But, George, you KNOW he does have that other weakness…
Class: WHAT IS IT?!?!
George: Oh YEAH Fred, he DOES.
Class: WHAT WHAT?!
Fred: Well, it's nice to see a Defense class actually asking questions. I haven't seen this since the days of Lupin and Mad-Eye.
George: But you know it wasn't Mad-Eye, Fred.
Fred: Shut up, you KNOW what I meant. growls Anyways, you know those horrible black eyes that glare at you all so menacingly at you?! Those aren't real you know… grins He's as blind as a bat without those things. If you want to have some fun with ickle Snivvykins, just yell ACCIO CONTACTS! some day! Two pairs of green contacts fly towards Fred Eh, sorry mate.
James: YEAH, BUT THAT'S THE THIRD TIME THIS MONTH, UNCLE FRED!!
Fred: Well, Master Potter, it seems that you've inherited the ability to yell out in the middle of class from your father. in best Professor Snape voice FIVE POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!!
James: But Uncle Fred!!
Fred: Seriously mate, you should have KNOWN I was kidding. Like I'd ever do that
George: So yes class, now that you all have THAT ammo under your belts, Poor Professor Severus Sexton Snape is going to be having QUITE the good time.
Leslie: shrieking Sexton? That so makes sense!!
George: Oh look at that, Fred, she's just like her mother!
Fred: Yeah she is, George. Anyways kids, REMEMBER, CONSTANT VIGILENCE!! Hahahahahahahhahah realizes that no one knows what he is talking about but George, who is on the floor laughing Uh, now, the lesson is over, so be off!
Leslie: But sir, we've only been here 5 minutes?
George: So? That's it! Be off!
Fred: Well, at least that's over with."
George: Yeah, Fred, but you've got to admit, it was fun. I can't believe you told 'em a/b Ickle Snivvykins's contacts issue."
Fred: Heh, well, it's about damn time everyone knew."
[1990, Hallway outside dungeons]
Fred: I can't believe that greasy prat gave us detention for SNEEZING."
George: YOU'RE the one that sneezed, Fred."
Fred: I know, mate. He probably just thinks that because we're twins we sneeze on the same time. Fred and George reach the entrance to Snape's lair…uh, dungeon… uh, classroom. Whatever. The twins hear the most horrific sound in the world: Snape sneezing through that superlative schnozz
Snape: WOW, WOW, OH MY GODS. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I MANAGED TO SNEEZE WITH MY EYES OPEN. Fred and George exchange WTF looks, and peer into see what Snape's doing MAN, I ROCK THE HOUSE!!! Uh, wait where'd my contacts go? Fred and George chortle I'm as blind as a bat without these things!! And not near as menacing! Where the HELL did they go?! Fred writes on a spare piece of parchment: Snape = blind w/o contacts. Remember! George whispers, "That's the first time you've ever taken notes, Fred!" Fred grins. Oh, there's one! Snape sticks the black-tinged contact into his mouth to clean it [Fred: EWWWW], spreads the lids of his right eye out with his right thumb and forefinger, and places it into his light grey eyes. George: You think he's overcompensating on the color?? Managing to find the other contact now that the has one good eye, Snape goes through this same eye-care ritual once again. The twins duck out of the classroom, figuring that because of this ordeal, Snape has probably forgotten that they have detention. Unfortunately, George gets the giggles as they're walking out. Snape, realizing someone has seen this little incident, runs out of the classroom, grabbing the twins by the back of their collars.NOT SO FAST YOU TWO!"
George: Uh, sir, we were just coming down for detention
Snape: George Weasley, you mean to tell me that in walking AWAY from this door you were coming TO detention?"
George: We thought detention was to be in your office, sir.
Snape: Understandable. Except my office is in the opposite direction.
Fred: Well, sir, you see the staircases changed, and…
Snape: That will be quite enough, Masters Weasley. I think detention shall last twice as long tonight. as they follow behind Snape, Fred mumbles, "Man, this bugger needs a life!"
[Present, DADA classroom]
George: True, Fred, it IS about damn time everyone knew.
[Next day, Potions dungeon]
James: Do it, Leslie.
Leslie: No, James, YOU do it.
James: But he hates me, Les.
Leslie: He hates everyone. You can't use that as an excuse.
James: sigh FINE! with every ounce of courage the young Gryffindor contains, he screams "ACCIO CONTACTS!" Snape's contacts flew out of his eyes and landed in James's hand. As this was only the second day of class, he had not yet memorized his student's voices. Being blind he couldn't see very well either
Snape: WHO THE HELL WAS THAT!?!
Leslie: AWWWWWWWWWWWW AWWWWWWW, PROFESSOR SNAPE SAID A BAD WOOORD, BAD WOOOOORD!!!!
The class bursts into random mayhem. James rips the contacts into tiny pieces and throws them into Peter Longbottom's cauldron, which causes its contents to explode. Snape reaches in the folds of his robes and pulls out a very stylish pair of black framed glasses, much like those worn by a certain Snape look-alike in 2003's smash hit "Love Actually." In fact, he looks much like said actor, only with longer, shinier hair.
Snape: IF I EVER FIND OUT WHO THAT WAS, HE OR SHE WILL WISH THEY HAD NEVER BEEN BORN! under his breath: "I'm gonna kill those twins"
"Hey James, if I knew he was that hot with glasses, I'd've gotten you to do that sooner."
"Please tell me I'm not going to have to put up with this for seven years, Les"
"Nah, probably longer."
James just sighs, and shakes his head. He knows he should have known better. Even after being married to Uncle Ron for all these years, Aunt Hermione still got all dreamy-eyed whenever anyone mentioned anything to do with potions, Snape, or the color black, much to Uncle Ron's chagrin.
[That afternoon, Teacher's Lounge]
News had reached the entire school as to the events in the Potions dungeon that morning. Fred and George sat at the table, sipping tea, knowing what was about to happen. Snape's last class ended at 2 o'clock. At 2:01, all hell will break loose. Snape bursts through the doorway, robes billowing as only his can. George glances at his watch
George: Right on time, Professor. I heard your caffeine addiction was bad, Sev, but one minute after class is over…
Snape: WHY!!!!?!!????
Fred: Whatever do you mean, Professor? George, do you know what he means?"
George: I have no idea, Fred. What are you talking about, Sev?
Snape: Am I to believe that you had nothing to do with today's events?
Fred: And those events would be…?
Snape: YOU KNOW WHAT I'M BLOODY WELL TALKING ABOUT, FRED WEASLEY
Fred: Don't call me Fred! grins You think you'd be able to tell us apart by NOW, Sev!"
Snape: No, I can't tell two equally moronic blunders apart. And DON'T call me Sev!!"
George: Aight, Sevy. slight mouth twitch
Snape: I… HATE.. YOU TWO!!!!!!!
Fred: Fair enough, Professor. But you still haven't told us what we've done.
Snape: Well, if it isn't obvious, then I'm not telling you.
George: Great way to go all PMS'y there Professor.
Snape: SHUT UP GEORGE! Fine! Why did you tell the students about my… eye problem
George: By eye problem, you do mean compensation problem, right?
Snape: SHUT IT!
George: And, no sir, we had nothing to do with it, we swear. Merlin's honor! But we do have something that might make you feel better, Severus"
Fred: You don't mean, George.
George: Of COURSE I do. We invented it with him in mind!!
Fred: But would he go for it?
George: He might.
Snape: I AM standing right here! Spit it out!
Fred: Well, we have manage to concoct a potion…
Snape: I doubt that.
Fred: A potion that will make your hair grow back!
Snape: … … … what?
George: You heard us. A potion, made especially for you, to make your hair grow back.
Snape: blinded by joy Where is it?!!?
Fred: reaches into his backpack {you didn't seriously think he'd have a briefcase did you?} and pulls out a small vile of green liquid Here you go, sir.
Snape: without even thinking of testing it, pulls off his wig, yanks out the cork, and downs the potion. He runs to the mirror and watches as shoulder-length Weasley-red hair grows in WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME????????
George: Well, what'd you expect sir. The only person we tried it on was Ginny…
[fin]
AN: hope y'all had fun w/ it!! Btw, this is the longest chpt I've ever written EVER. Oh, you should be so proud (and yes, I DO realize I used the word 'ever' twice in that sentence)