Chapter Eighteen: Return from the Dead
Severus Snape appeared in the cold embrace of early morning in the Forbidden Forest. He immediately dropped the bundle of clothing he held in his arms, and his weary body tried desperately to heave the minimal contents of his stomach onto the snow and leaf covered forest floor as he sank to his hands and knees. His head throbbed with blinding pain, and he felt dizzy and nauseous.
Once his spasm wracked body was through vomiting up what little was within him, he collapsed with a despairing sob and rolled onto his back, covering his eyes with his hands. How had he let that get so out of hand? Damn his temper! After all this time apart all he'd wanted was to be with his wife…that was all. Why was this happening? On top of everything else that he'd already endured…why this?
No matter how hard he tried to block out the horrific images, they managed to worm their way insidiously into his exhausted brain. Over and over, all he could see was Remus Lupin holding Evangeline against his naked chest. His mind took that painful image and ran with it, converting it to images of Lupin kissing her, caressing her, tearing the nightgown from her body and impaling her with his own.
"NO!" He howled in rage and pain, as he beat fruitlessly against the frozen ground with his fists. Then having spent what little remaining energy he had left in his abused body, he lay exhausted on the ground and stared up at the canopy above him, feeling deeper agony than he ever had during all those months of constant torture.
"No…" He breathed faintly as he closed his tired eyes feeling the long suppressed tears squeeze their way out from under his closed lids and make frozen tracks down the sides of his pale face. Utterly lost and spent, he lay there empty and trembling for long moments as the freezing cold seeped stealthily into his thin form numbing his pain as it numbed his body, then he slowly opened his eyes once more to gaze unseeingly up into the swaying trees above his head.
This couldn't be allowed to continue; somehow he needed to regain control of himself and his life. Clamping his iron will down on his soul, he sat up stiffly, then stood and began to roughly strip his clothes from his body, heedless of the frigid temperature. Quickly he exchanged Steven's clothes for Severus' clothes. Putting on the costume of the cold impervious Potions Master helped him to once more feel the part. The clothes hung loosely on his overly thin frame. He'd lost so much weight. Nevertheless, as he put on each layer, he began to feel a cold emptiness descending on him, helping to push the intense pain in his heart aside…to ignore it …at least for now.
Before long Steven Severe, the Muggle handyman, had disappeared forever and Severus Snape, Potions Master, stood once more on the grounds of Hogwarts. Almost as an after thought he shrank his Muggle clothes down to doll's size and stuffed them into a pocket. Then he slid his wand into his sleeve, squared his shoulders, and strode out of the forest and onto the snow-covered grounds heading for his ultimate destination…Hogwarts castle and Albus Dumbledore.
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As Snape approached the front doors to the castle he felt overcome with a wave of uncertainty. What sort of welcome would he receive when he walked in and announced to all and sundry that he was alive? Would anyone be happy to see him? Things had gone so shockingly badly with Evangeline and Lupin. Why think things will be any better here?
He'd never been popular with his colleagues and students, after all. Everyone had probably been overjoyed at the idea that he'd died. There'd probably been a big celebration complete with noisemakers and stupid hats. Yet, if he didn't come back here, where could he go? What alternative did he have? Voldemort and his Death Eaters would still want to get their hands on him. His wife had taken up with another man. His family was all gone. No doubt his job was, as well. How ironic that recovering his memory had left him with fewer options than not recovering it would have.
Indecision held him frozen with his hand on the door to the castle. Should he open it or not?
As he was trying to make up his mind on what action to take, fate intervened and opened the door for him. Suddenly he found himself looking down into the shocked green eyes of Harry Potter as he stood in the open doorway and stared goggle-eyed at his former Potions Master.
"Professor Snape! You're alive!" The young man whispered in awe.
Snape swallowed nervously and stiffly nodded his head. "Obviously, Mr. Potter. The observational powers of you Gryffindors have always astounded me."
If Harry had held any doubt as to the identity of the black clad figure in the doorway, the familiar dry delivery of this partisan comment banished it from his mind in an instant. A quick amused smile flitted briefly across the young man's face. The smile vanished immediately, though, to be replaced with a non-committal expression as he stepped back and held the door open for Snape to enter the castle.
Finding his decision made for him, Snape took a deep breath, stepped inside, and looked around at the silent entryway. Nothing had changed it seemed since he'd been gone. Then things rarely changed at Hogwarts in any significant superficial way.
"It's good to see you, Professor. Everyone thought you were dead. I'm glad to see that's not true." Harry said sincerely.
Snape stared down his formidable nose at the young man and lifted a skeptical eyebrow. "Are you, Mr. Potter? I must admit, I find that highly unlikely."
Harry stared earnestly back and shrugged. "Believe what you want, Professor. But no one was happy to hear that you'd died. Does Professor Dumbledore know that you're back?"
Snape shook his head and gazed up the stairs towards the Headmaster's office. "No. I'm on my way to see him now."
Harry nodded. "The password's "cream puff" at the moment."
Snape sighed and nodded in mild disgust. "I expected it to be sweet and fattening. It would have taken me quite a while to hit on that one, however."
Without another word, Snape swept across the entrance hall heading for the stairs. Harry called after him. "Welcome back, Professor."
Snape halted with his hand on the stair rail and turned around slowly. He stared at Harry with an unreadable expression on his face. Stiffly he nodded once. "Thank you, Mr. Potter." He stated quietly, then he turned and ascended the staircase, his robes billowing out around him.
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Snape hesitated once more as he stood outside Albus Dumbledore's office, but as he'd been seen entering the castle, he could hardly back out now. So he raised his hand abruptly and knocked firmly on the door.
The familiar sound of Dumbledore's voice called out for him to enter, so he opened the door and stepped into the room. Nothing had changed here either. The same assortment of former Headmasters stared down at him from the walls of the large airy room. It still smelled comfortingly of book dust and sweets, and the magnificent Phoenix sat on his perch by the desk and slept as a cheery fire burned in the grate. Then there was the most familiar and oddly comforting sight of all…the Headmaster himself sat easily at his desk writing busily with a feather quill on a roll of parchment. How often had he come into this office and found his friend in exactly this position? More times than he could count. For the first time since he'd regained his memory…he felt as if he'd come home.
Dumbledore raised his head from the writing he'd been doing and froze, staring in amazement at Snape. With trembling hands he put down his quill and got to his feet. Slowly he walked around his desk and crossed the room to stand before the younger wizard. "Severus?" He said in a slightly choked and whispery voice.
Snape nodded stiffly, his throat tightening, unsure of what to say.
Overcome with emotion, a shaking Dumbledore embraced Snape warmly and hugged him hard. "Oh, my boy, I'm so glad to see you. So very glad." His voice held a hint of tears in it and trailed off faintly.
Snape closed his eyes as he returned the embrace but was careful to keep his emotions tightly in check.
Finally, Dumbledore drew back and slid his arms up Snape's arms to rest his hands on his shoulders as he stared earnestly into his former professor's eyes. "How has this miracle occurred, Severus? We all thought you dead and gone for more than a year now?"
Snape smiled faintly at his friend and cocked an eyebrow. "It's rather a long story, Albus."
The Headmaster smiled happily. "Since it has such a happy ending, I have all the time in the world to listen, Severus. All the time in the world."
As he was ushered to a seat in front of the Headmaster's desk, Snape thought to himself that happy was certainly not the word that he would have picked to describe the ending of his ordeal. No…not happy at all.
As he returned to his seat, Dumbledore asked Snape if he wanted anything to eat or drink. "You look painfully thin, Severus. It appears that we have our work cut out for us in restoring you to fit condition again."
Snape nodded. "Yes, I do need to replace some of the weight I lost, but not at the moment. I'm really not hungry right now. I'd prefer simply to talk, if you don't mind."
Dumbledore nodded. "Whatever, you wish, my boy. Tell me what happened to you. Were you captured by Voldemort? That is, of course, what we all feared had happened."
Snape sighed and nodded his head. "Yes, Malfoy's home was under surveillance it seems. Once I'd retrieved the book from where Lucius had hidden it, I found myself surrounded by Death Eaters. I did my best, but the odds were simply too great for me to escape. I'm not certain why I wasn't killed on the spot…or even later, but Voldemort seemed to have a greater desire to interrogate me for information and abuse me for sport than to simply eliminate me. I was held in a prison in Cornwall for a little more than a year. I was tortured… but I never gave them any information, Albus. I swear it. They learned nothing of value from me."
Dumbledore's face had gone extremely pale at Snape's words, and he nodded in understanding. "I'm sure that's true, Severus. How did you escape from them?"
"There was a raid. My cell was broken open in the ensuing chaos, and I was able to escape unnoticed by either my captors or the liberators."
Dumbledore sighed. "I had information that led me to believe that you might be alive, Severus. I sent those people to liberate the prisoners there in the hopes that you were one of them. If you hadn't left on your own, we might have found you then. Both Black and Lupin were involved in that raid. I had such hopes that they'd find you. I was so disappointed when they didn't. But that was weeks ago now. Where have you been since then? Why didn't you come home before now?"
Snape looked down at his hands in his lap. "Because I didn't know where "home" was." He confessed in a low voice.
He forced his eyes back up to meet those of his former Headmaster, his expression shuttered. "In order to keep from being able to tell anyone anything during the…interrogation…sessions, I gave myself amnesia. I forced myself to forget everything I knew…including who I was. When I escaped, I didn't know my name or anything else about my life. I wandered for a short while, then I took a job as a handyman for a shopkeeper in a small village shop. I remained there until I regained my memory."
Dumbledore regarded Snape sadly. "I see. That must have been very hard for you."
Suddenly as he stared at the familiar black clad form of his friend another thought occurred to the elder wizard. "How did you obtain your clothes, Severus? How were you able to get back here to Hogwarts without your wand?"
Suddenly tense, Snape got to his feet and began to pace the room. Reluctantly he answered in little more than a whisper. "I have my wand, Albus."
As he watched Snape's restless pacing, Dumbledore's heart began to sink. "Then you must have seen Evangeline, Severus, for I know she took your wand with her when she left Hogwarts."
Snape nodded stiffly, his face a stony mask. "Oh yes, I saw her…and her lover." His voice held a world of bitterness as he forced those last hateful words from his lips. Once more the cruel picture of that smug werewolf holding his Evangeline possessively in his arms flashed before the weary wizard's eyes cutting yet another swath of pain through his heart.
"Severus…" Dumbledore began, but Snape cut him off abruptly before he could finish his thought.
"I don't wish to discuss Evangeline, Albus. She's made her choice. She's with that damnable werewolf now…of all the people to choose. Our marriage is obviously over. There's nothing more to talk about."
"How much of a choice did you give her, Severus? Evangeline loves you…not Remus."
Snape turned his head sharply, impaling the Headmaster with the intensity of his stare and stated in a firm cold voice. "I told you that I don't wish to discuss it, and I meant it."
Dumbledore nodded sadly. "Very well, Severus."
As the awkward moment lengthened, Snape sat down once again, and they stared at each other in silence for a time, then Snape ventured a question. "Since Voldemort was able to get his hands on that book that Malfoy got for him, has there been any indication that he's also tried to get his hands on Ernias Winthrop's research?"
Dumbledore nodded. "Yes, I believe so. To my knowledge, Evangeline's family home has been searched several times, by Voldemort's people and mine. However, I don't believe that anything belonging to Ernias has come to light."
Snape nodded and looked away. "Have you asked Evangeline where her father kept his research?"
Dumbledore sighed. "I had intended to, but she hasn't spoken to me since your "death"…and the death of your daughter."
Snape flinched slightly and shivered involuntarily, momentarily closing his eyes and turning his head away against the rush of fresh pain that stabbed at his heart. When he'd regained his control, he turned a pale face back to Dumbledore. "The baby was a girl?" He whispered hoarsely.
Dumbledore nodded with compassion shining in his eyes. "Yes, I'd have thought that Evangeline would have told you that at least."
Snape released a shaking breath and dropped his eyes to the floor again, inquiring quietly. "Did Evangeline give her a name, Albus?"
"No, Severus, to my knowledge she didn't. Evangeline was still in a coma when the child was buried. We almost lost her too, you know. It was a very near thing."
Just the thought of the wife he loved so much lying dead in her grave because of his actions chilled him to the bone. Could he never stop hurting her? He found he had to work rather hard to hide all these painful feelings, and the strain was beginning to show on his face. "Where is the baby buried?" He choked out.
"In the small graveyard to the north of the castle near the Forbidden Forest. The headstone has your name on it since we buried what we thought was your head in the same grave. We were obviously badly deceived there."
Snape nodded shortly. "Yes, to say the least. Voldemort apparently out did himself there." He paused and redirected the conversation. "Why haven't you spoken to Evangeline about her father's research, Albus? She could still be in danger if the Dark Lord manages to get his hands on it, and why is she living in a cottage in Cornwall instead of within the safety of Hogwarts?"
With a heavy sigh, Dumbledore stated sadly, "Evangeline blamed me for your loss and the loss of your child. She's refused to have anything to do with me or with Hogwarts. She's a very determined woman when she's made up her mind about something, you know that, Severus. Your loss was completely devastating to her, she couldn't forgive me for destroying her life. I really couldn't blame her…I felt very much the same way. Ultimately I was the one responsible for the destruction of both your lives. You'd be perfectly justified in blaming me as well."
Snape shook his head solemnly. "It was my decision to go after that book, Albus, not yours. You didn't force me to do it. What happened wasn't your fault. I should've taken greater precautions. I, of all people, should have known that Malfoy's home was likely to be closely watched no matter whether he was there or not. I was unforgivably careless…the fault was mine. The consequences were mine to bear…unfortunately, I wasn't the only one to bear them." He bowed his head and sat silently for a moment before raising it again and asking in a quiet voice. "The question is what do I do now? I assume I no longer have a job here?"
Dumbledore smiled comfortingly. "In the short term, no. Professor Carstairs has a one-year contract to teach Potions. I really do have to honor it. However, I do not have to renew it. As of fall term, you certainly may return as Potions Master. In fact, I insist on it. The students deserve the best, Severus. That will always be you. In the meantime, your quarters are still there waiting for you. Your things are in storage here and can easily be returned to you. I'll have Filch see to that immediately. You might want to use your unexpected free time to recover from your ordeal and perhaps work on some of your own private research."
Snape nodded. "Perhaps. I'm just grateful that I have a place to go at the moment. Frankly, I was beginning to think that I might need to return to my job as a handyman."
Dumbledore smiled. "Well, if you're so inclined, Severus, I'm sure that Mr. Filch would appreciate the help."
Snape snorted shortly. "Oh yes, I'm sure the student body would just love to see me scrubbing the floors of the castle."
Snape stood up to leave. "I should go and begin unpacking everything, I suppose. Thank you for letting me come back, Albus."
Dumbledore stood as well and stared earnestly at Snape. "You're always welcome here, Severus."
Snape nodded stiffly, uncomfortable with displaying too much of his inner feelings, even to this man who knew him so well. Then he turned and headed for the door. Reluctantly he turned back when Dumbledore addressed him once more.
"Severus, please don't give up so easily on Evangeline. She does not love Remus Lupin the way that she loves you. I am absolutely certain of this."
Snape's features hardened again against the tide of pain that rose immediately within him at the mention of her name. "How can you be so certain of that, Albus? She had no difficulty taking him to her bed. Replacing me in her life doesn't seem to have been too difficult for her at all."
Dumbledore sighed. "Actually, I'm sure that decision was very difficult for her. I'm sure that Evangeline cares about Remus. She may have even deluded herself into believing that she loves him. Life has been hard and lonely for Evangeline without you, and Remus has been kind and persistent, but to my knowledge they have only been together since Christmas…a couple of days is all. Any love she feels for him will never be the same sort of love that she feels for you, Severus…that she will always feel for you. I've called up the binding magic for many couples in my lifetime, but it's never burned as brightly for anyone else as it did for the two of you. That sort of bond can never be completely dissolved, no matter what dark magic was used to remove your wedding ring without ending your life. Evangeline is your life-partner, Severus. That will never truly change. Don't let wounded pride stand in your way."
Snape stared silently at Dumbledore for a moment then he said, "Thank you for the use of my quarters again, Albus. I'll go find Filch and see about retrieving my possessions." With that simple pronouncement he turned on his heel and with a familiar flurry of black robes, left the Headmaster's office behind him.
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Author's Notes: I have a feeling that I could revise and revise and revise and this chapter would never quite get to where I want it, so I posted it and will now leave the judgment up to you.
Werecat99: I figured if Snape went ahead with the neutering threat that Gingerhead could help. It would be a sort of bonding experience for the two of them. :) Snape WAS too quick to accuse her and he knows that. There's a part of his mind that was standing outside himself being absolutely appalled with every word out of his mouth, but he just couldn't help himself at the time. He was so overwhelmingly hurt, and his natural reaction to being hurt is to lash back. Thanks.
Snapefan51: Snape isn't in the best physical shape at the moment, even if he wanted to attack Lupin physically, the werewolf would win, and Snape is uncomfortably aware of this fact. Besides Snape's natural weapon is his tongue. :) I'm sorry that your last review disappeared into the black hole of computerdom, but this one came through just fine. Thanks!
Melissa Jooty: Thank you. Severus does come to regret his harshness with Evangeline fairly quickly, but it takes him some time to get past the pain and anger. He has a lot to consider and adjust to. What did you think of Dumbledore's reaction to his return? We see Black next chapter.
RaveneX1: Thank you for letting me know you're reading. I'm glad you like the story. People do seem to want Snape to meet his portrait. I'll give it some thought, but I doubt it's going to happen.
Ballistic: You certainly have a computer with personality. It must be frustrating. Thanks for your support. I'm glad you approve of how I've handled things so far.
Manic: Wow! Reading your review was like running down my own checklist of things that everyone was feeling and all the things that I wanted the characters to get across to the readers. Apparently, for you at least, I nailed it. :) That just makes my day! Thank you so much.
Lina Lupin: I'm glad you liked the chapter even though it's not what you expected. McGonagall and Dumbledore do try…
Sage and Snape: Oh, yes, one by one everyone at Hogwarts will throw their two cents in, never fear. I suppose Remus was a bit more aggressive than he sometimes is, but I've never seen him as someone who'd let anyone walk all over him…especially not Snape. Also, he loves Evangeline. He couldn't just stand there and let her husband attack her without trying to defend her to the best of his ability.
Elbereth94: Thank you. I'm glad you aren't upset. As you say, Snape's not going to meekly accept the fact that his wife has taken Lupin as a lover.
SevyHero: Give Severus a chance to calm down. Define soon.
Arachne's Child: Welcome back! Life always comes first; there's really no point if it doesn't. :) I'm glad you felt everyone reacted in character. It was hard balancing everything out. Don't worry, everyone gives Snape their opinions on what he should do about his wife…and I do mean everyone. :)
Jezebel: Things do get better. You need to give poor Remus a break. He thought Severus was dead, too.