Chapter Nineteen: Sifting Through the Ashes
As Snape left Dumbledore's gargoyle behind and headed down the hall in search of Argus Filch, he suddenly found himself face to face with Sirius Black. Not his favorite person under any circumstances, but at the moment, running into him of all people, just added the topping to what had been, all and all, an appalling day so far.
As Snape attempted to bypass the inevitable confrontation, Black stepped in front of him to block his path and shook his head in amazement. "Harry said you were back, Snape, but I confess I didn't really believe him. Geez, you look like hell."
Snape snorted shortly. "Nice to see you too, Black. I see your manners are as good as ever."
Black grinned sheepishly and ran a hand through his hair. "Sorry, that just sort of slipped out. Where have you been all this time? You know, everyone thought you were dead."
Snape sneered. "Yes, I've heard that. Sorry to disappoint you."
Black shrugged carelessly. "Actually, I didn't really care one way or the other…except for Evangeline's sake. Have you seen her, Snape? She must be glad you're back."
Snape brushed roughly past the animagus and began walking rapidly away down the hall, tossing his comments back over his shoulder. "Whether I've seen Evangeline or not is none of your business, Black. Why don't you just put your tail between your legs and slink back to whatever kennel you crawled out of? I have better things to do with my time than exchange inanities with the likes of you."
Stiffly he continued along the hallway to the stairs and started down without a backward glance, leaving Black standing there staring speculatively after him and wondering whether he'd seen Remus and Evangeline or not. The Potions Master certainly didn't seem very happy. That probably wasn't a good sign. If Snape walked in on the two of them while they were making love, the fallout must have been horrendous. So where did Snape's return leave everyone now?
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Evangeline lay huddled on the couch in front of the fireplace and breathed in and out slowly. The gentle rise and fall of her chest was the only way that Remus knew for sure that she was still alive. She'd been virtually motionless ever since she'd run out of tears and now simply lay there limply like a dead thing. He'd picked her up from the floor and had laid her gently on the couch. Then he'd tried to get her to respond to him, but no matter what he said or did, she just lay there and stared into the fire with empty eyes. The whole day had passed in agonizing slowness as he'd tried desperately to get through to her to no avail.
The word helpless didn't begin to cover how he felt, the worried wizard simply had no idea what to do for her, so he sat and watched, and cursed the fates that had lured them into this wretched trap.
"How in the world could Snape still be alive? Why wouldn't any of us have known about that? I'd have sworn on my mother's grave that that head we examined so carefully was his. Everyone else thought so too. I know they did! How could we all have been so bloody wrong about that? Could I have possibly overlooked something…perhaps because I wanted him to be dead?"
He recoiled sharply from that unwelcome thought. "No. Damn it! No. I wasn't the only one who thought that head was genuine. Everyone who examined it believed it was Snape's. Everyone did! Besides, I wouldn't have wanted Evangeline to suffer through all that pain. If there'd been even the slightest indication that that head hadn't been Snape's we'd have found it."
"What the hell is going to happen now? If Snape refuses to see reason and actually ends his marriage to Evangeline, could she recover from that? Could she live with knowing that he was still alive and simply no longer wanted her? Would he really be that big a fool?"
Remus shook his head in frustration, got up, and began to pace the room as his thoughts continued to tumble around in his brain mercilessly. "It's certainly the only way that Evangeline and I would ever have a chance, though. There's no point in deluding myself. She doesn't love me. If Snape comes to his senses and wants her back, she'll go in a heartbeat. She made that painfully clear when he was here. I don't really matter to her…not the way he does."
Restless unfocused anger surged through Remus as he fought to keep himself from putting a fist through the window when he paused to stare at his blurry reflection in the darkening glass.
"Damn the man! How could he treat her like this after everything that she's gone through? Surely he's not so inhuman that he can't understand how she came to turn to me after thinking he was dead for more than a year. It's simply his stiff-necked pride getting in the way…and maybe some left over hatred for me, too."
He sighed and raked the fingers of both hands through his shaggy hair. "Perhaps if she'd been with someone else, he would've been more reasonable, more understanding." A wry mocking smile flitted briefly across his tired face before sobering once more. "Well…not if it had been Sirius."
The werewolf's eyes drifted back to the unmoving figure on the couch. With an agonized frown of worry engraved deeply in his face, he stopped his useless pacing and returned to her side. His heart lurched painfully as he stared down at her still form. God, he loved her so much…he couldn't stand to see her like this…in so much pain! This unresponsiveness scared him more than he wanted to admit. It felt as if they were right back where all this started over a year ago with the delivery of that cursed box!
Not knowing what else to do, the deeply concerned wizard knelt down beside the motionless woman and gently caressed her hair. He wanted so desperately to take her into his arms and hold her, but he didn't dare try. He wasn't sure his heart could stand it if she pushed him away again. "Evangeline…sweetheart, this isn't going to help you. You need to talk to me. Are you hungry? It's been hours, and you haven't had anything to eat. I could fix you something. Please, talk to me, Angel. Please. Let me help you!"
Her eyelids flickered and her eyes darted over to stare somewhat blankly into his. Remus caught his breath. Had he finally gotten through to her? Was she ready to come back out of hiding and face the world again? He petted her hair once more and spoke in a very gentle voice. "Angel? Can I help you?"
Evangeline continued to stare at him with eyes that flickered through an array of emotions seeming to find it hard to settle on any one. She licked her dry lips and took a breath. "Remus…" She whispered. "I've worried you, haven't I? I'm sorry."
Stiffly she moved to sit up and Remus immediately put a hand under her shoulder to assist her into a sitting position. Then he momentarily forgot himself in his profound relief at her return and slid his arms around her, drawing her slight body in against his own. He realized his mistake though when she stiffened in his arms and just sat there, refusing to return his embrace. He swallowed hard and pulled back and looked at her.
With a guilty look on her face Evangeline dropped her eyes from his and sat quietly looking at her upturned hands in her lap. Uncomfortable silence stretched between the erstwhile lovers. Remus tried again. "Are you hungry, Angel? I'd be glad to get you something to eat. You've been lying here for hours; it would do you a world of good to have something. Even a cup of tea." His soft voice pleaded anxiously with her to let him help.
She shook her head and brought her eyes up to meet his once more. "No, I couldn't keep anything down at the moment. I feel rather nauseous actually. I just think I'll go up to bed. I'm very tired…some sleep would probably help me the most."
Remus reluctantly nodded and helped her to her feet. He kept his arm around her shoulders and walked across the room to the staircase with her, but when they got there, she turned, shrugged his arm off her body, and laid a restraining hand on his chest. "I need to go up to bed alone, Remus. This changes everything…I need to be alone…I'm sorry…I just can't talk about it now."
A cold shiver ran through the werewolf…he'd known in his heart that this moment was coming…the one where she'd reject his company, but now that it'd finally arrived, it was turning out to be even more painful than he'd thought it would be. A tiny ray of hope fought its way to the surface of his heart not quite ready to give up. "Are you sure, Angel? I won't push you to talk about anything. I'd just feel better if you weren't alone right now. I'm worried about you."
With a melancholy smile on her face, she touched his cheek with a gentle hand. "I know you are, but I need to be alone right now. I have a lot to sort out. I'm sorry…so very sorry." They stared wordlessly at one another for a long moment. There was so much to say and nowhere to begin. At the same time, there was nothing to say because they both knew all the words by heart. Evangeline turned sadly away from him and ascended the staircase slowly, whispering a goodnight over her shoulder. Remus stood there with pain filled eyes and watched her move away from him until she'd turned into her bedroom and closed the door quietly behind her, leaving him all alone once more.
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Snape stood in the softly falling snow and stared with pain filled eyes at the hard gray stone that marked the grave of his daughter. The words SEVERUS SNAPE stared back at him in sharp black letters incised in granite. How strange to stand before your own grave, like a chilling glimpse into the future. This would have to be changed, of course. He wasn't buried here…but his daughter…their daughter…was. The daughter he'd never get the chance to know…the daughter he'd murdered with his recklessness. He'd lost so much over this last year, but this…this was the hardest loss to bear…next to that of her mother.
Slowly he bent down and placed the small bouquet of English Daisies that he held in his hand on top of the snow-covered ground in front of the stone, which bore his name. His mother had once told him that the delicate white and yellow flower was appropriate for the newly born. His little one had never made it that far, but he hoped she'd appreciate them anyway. He had nothing else to give her except his grief and remorse.
Straightening up once more, he sighed deeply and bowed his head. She deserved her own marker…and her own name. A sudden surge of impotent anger coursed through him. His innocent little girl deserved so much more than that! She deserved a life, but thanks to Voldemort and his own stupidity…his own carelessness, she'd been cheated out of the life that should've been hers. Instead, all she'd ever have was a lonely plot of ground and the profound regret of her parents.
As the anger fled to be replaced once more with sorrow, tears that he refused to shed prickled at the back of his eyes. As much as he'd been afraid to become a father, at the moment, he wished with all his heart that he'd gotten the chance to try, but that chance was gone forever. His throat tightened, and he swallowed reflexively over the huge lump in it. There'd be no family for him. He stood alone…as he no doubt deserved.
Slowly he drew his wand out of his sleeve and aimed it at the headstone, then paused and reconsidered. No. This was wrong. This wasn't a decision that he had the right to make alone. As much as he wanted to avoid it, he needed to talk to Evangeline before giving their child a name. It was the only thing they could do for her now…and they owed it to her to be in agreement. It had waited this long, it could wait a bit longer, until he could stand to face her mother again.
He turned his dark eyes to the heavens and scanned the lowering clouds as they dropped their white tears onto his face, coating his lashes and sliding down his cheeks, mixing with those he could no longer keep locked up in his heart. As he directed his gaze earthward once again, he found himself whispering words into the softly sighing wind.
"I'm so sorry little one, I turned out to be an even poorer excuse for a father than I feared I'd be. I managed to fail both you and your mother in every possible way. This should never have happened to you. You should be here with us now…laughing, learning to talk…playing in the snow, instead of lying buried beneath it in the cold empty darkness. I have found it more difficult to change the habits of a lifetime than I thought it would be, but that's no excuse. There is no excuse for what I did to you…both of you. Despite marrying your mother and anticipating your birth, I continued to act as if my actions only affected myself. In my arrogance, the thought that anything might happen to prevent my swift return to you never occurred to me. Leaving as I did without a word or thought for your welfare was wrong…and unforgivable. I deserve all the pain that my ill-considered actions caused me…but you and your mother do not. So here I stand at your graveside and foolishly wish to change the past…because facing the future without the two of you will be the most difficult thing I've ever done."
With a ragged sigh, he slipped the wand, which dangled uselessly in his hand, back into his sleeve and murmured a final good-bye to his child. The only child he was ever likely to have. Then he turned quietly and retraced his steps back into the cold empty halls of Hogwarts castle. Where he intended to lose himself in the chore of putting the pieces of his life back into some semblance of order, a very difficult task with the most important pieces missing…forever.
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Snape's confident footsteps echoed firmly through the dungeon corridors announcing his return to all who listened. The long dim halls had been missing that sound for far too long with the Potions Master's absence from the school. The reassuring noise brought a rush of familiarity to the tall wizard as he struggled to return to a life that he thought he'd left behind forever. Perhaps if he cloaked himself in all the familiar trappings he could forget for a time how much had been lost and simply concentrate on bringing back as much of the outer image of the man he'd once been as possible. Maybe if he did a good enough job of it, no one would ever realize that the wizard who'd returned to take up his position within the castle wasn't the same wizard who'd left. A triumph of image over substance…it wouldn't be the first time.
As he rounded a corner in the shadowed corridor a blast of cold air whipped up out of nowhere and caught at his robes chilling him to the bone. He whirled around to try to discern just where the frigid wind had come from and found himself face to face with a small silver serpent charm in the middle of the wall beside him. The snake gleamed brightly in the flickering light of the wall sconces as if it was trying to attract his attention.
As he stared mesmerized at the tiny charm, his mind wandered unbidden back to the last time he'd seen it, deep within the fireplace in the Slytherin common room. His treacherous thoughts dragged up heartbreakingly strong images of Evangeline as she'd lain soft and warm within his eager embrace while they'd whiled away their time making love on their honeymoon. This little symbol had led the way to a beautiful room where they'd had the most magical afternoon of what had overall been the most wonderful period of time he'd ever experienced in his entire life.
Angrily he shook his head and tried to banish such painful memories. The very last thing he wanted to be reminded of at the moment was how much he loved his wife, now that it appeared he could no longer have her. He glared at the little reptile. Why was it here? What would happen if he touched it? Would the tunnel open up here in the corridor and lead him back to Slytherin's study once again? Did he want to go back there? He shivered at the thought. No. Most definitely not.
Resolutely he turned away from the snake on the wall and tried to continue down the corridor towards his quarters. Why add even more pain to what had so far been the most emotionally painful day he'd ever experienced?
As he took a step away from the snake, the icy wind blew up out of nowhere once again and forced him back up against the wall. If he stood still the wind would die down, but if he tried to move away he was blown strongly back until he was once more forced to the wall next to the serpent charm. Obviously someone wasn't going to take no for an answer. There simply didn't seem to be any way out of it.
So with ill grace he turned to face the wall and raised his hand to touch the silver snake with his finger. With a soft whoosh of air the wall disappeared behind his back to reveal the long black tunnel that led toward the serpent door that stood as entrance to Slytherin's study. Determined to get whatever ordeal awaited him over with as soon as possible, he lit his wand and stalked down the pitch black passageway, quickly grasping the crystal doorknob at the other end. With a deft twist of his wrist, he swung open the door and stepped swiftly through the entrance into the study, shivering as he passed through the invisible barrier that protected the contents of the room.
Once inside he looked around carefully. Warm sunlight more indicative of spring or summer than the usual pallid light of winter streamed through the twinkling panes of glass set in the full length windows. The room looked essentially the same…yet it had a very warm and welcoming feel to it, almost as if it was glad to see him again. For a moment a sense of peace descended on him and for a brief time, he felt that finally he'd come home again and everything would be all right. But apparently…home…had issues to resolve with him.
The large black couch where he and Evangeline had enjoyed such a wonderfully loving interlude was turned away from the fireplace and now faced him boldly…almost seeming to taunt him to remember what had happened there the last time he'd been in this room. As if it would ever be possible for him to forget it!
On the seat of the couch resting up against the soft comfortable pillows was a single perfect long stemmed red rose. Snape stared at it and his throat tightened uncomfortably. Without even realizing that he was moving, he glided slowly across the room to stand next to the couch and stare down at the beautiful flower. Against his will his hand snaked out and plucked the rose from the cushions, holding its fragrant softness close to his nose.
The warm sweet scent of the rose evoked incredibly vivid images of Evangeline in his mind's eye. It was almost as if she was standing here next to him. He could feel her warm touch on his skin, smell the delicate rose fragrance of her hair. Her emerald eyes sparkled into his, and she leaned against him running her fingers through his hair and pressing her soft lips against his own. Unbidden his arms came up to embrace her, sliding up the smooth naked curve of her back to hold her tightly against him. His body thrummed with desire and yearning as the welcome weight of her naked flesh pressed heatedly against his own.
For a few moments he was totally lost in the mesmerizing vision of his warm loving wife as she once more resided in his arms. He allowed himself to kiss her, to caress her, to begin to make love to her, when suddenly a hand fell heavily on his shoulder. With immense difficulty he pulled back from Evangeline and reluctantly turned to face a semi-naked Remus Lupin who grinned nastily at him and sneered.
"Sorry, Snape…you had your chance. Evangeline's mine now. Why would she want a damaged wreck of a man like you when she can have me in her arms? You didn't take proper care of her, but I will."
With a confident smirk on his face, Lupin roughly brushed Snape aside and took his place within Evangeline's waiting arms. As they fell into a passionate embrace before his horrified gaze, Snape wrenched his thoughts back to reality and stared down once more at the rose within his grasp.
With a burst of intense fury and pain, he crushed the rose mercilessly between his long fingers and let the ragged pieces fall to the floor where he ground them viciously into the carpet. He raised his eyes to the ceiling of the room and snarled.
"Whoever you are that governs this place, do not think that you can dictate to me what I should do with my life. While I thank you for welcoming me back, I will not tolerate meddling in my personal affairs. If I won't take it from Dumbledore to whom I owe so much, I certainly won't accept it from some long dead magical personage with no particular hold over me."
With that said, Snape whirled around and stalked angrily back down the dark tunnel without a backward glance.
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Author's Notes: I want to extend my deepest appreciation to gotsnape for once more giving me her advice and help with this chapter. Thanks so much!
Werecat99: Thanks. I'm sure you're right. Send Snape back and as soon as he saw Lupin with Evangeline again he'd probably react exactly the same way.
Snapefan51: Oh, yes, Snape has feelings. He'll even admit most of them to himself…not to others, though…not yet. Oh, and I am immune to puppy eyes…I have cats. :)
Cloudshape: I love your name. It reminds me of a favorite book from years ago. I'm glad you liked the chapter.
ProphetDreams: Thanks. Don't count on Snape meeting his portrait.
Ultrahotpink: Thank you. That's a lot of reading. Thanks for taking the time. I'm glad you like it.
Jtyw: Interesting idea, but Snape doesn't feel very lucky at the moment.
Jezebel: Okay. I'll write 'em the way I see it; you read 'em the way you want. :)
RaveneX1: Too dramatic? Well, if I drop the drama, I might as well drop the story.
Bookwitch: No, pride is a big stumbling block for Severus…so are guilt and fear. Yes, everyone has a lot more talking to do. Don't worry about the safety of the cottage. If the Death Eaters didn't know they were there before, this doesn't change anything.
Lina Lupin: Oh, Severus feels quite a bit of remorse about a lot of things.
Manic: Do you think this'll be a case of "this school isn't big enough for the both of us"? Thanks for explaining how you happened to start reading this storyline. I'm always curious what makes people read one story but not another. I really enjoyed hearing your views on things, and I'll be looking forward to the next chapter of "Fugue State". :)
Ballistic: Don't worry. This story will get finished. I don't post a story if I don't have an ending. I'm glad you liked Harry's little scene. He pops up once more. The painting shows up once more as well, but it's not Snape who's talking to it.
Whale of the World: Yes, people can't seem to decide whether to feel sorry for Remus or smack him. Filch is up again next chapter. No more bowling, sorry.
P. Veronica Tyler: Sorry that Steven got on your nerves. Evangeline will try to change Severus' mind…but not forever. One can only bang one's head against a brick wall for so long before the damage done exceeds any value gained.
Carpathia: Thank you so much. Keeping everyone in character is the greatest challenge.
Mother: Thank you. I'm pleased you're enjoying it. Yes, Severus is indeed his own worst enemy a lot of the time.
Rickfan37: I'm so very glad that you've enjoyed this story. Now you know how I always felt reading your wonderful tale and having to wait for the next update. :) I'm afraid you'll have to keep reading to find out exactly what's in store for everyone, but things will work out…one way or the other. :)