Chapter Twenty: Self-inflicted Wounds
Snape entered his old familiar quarters to see Filch putting down the last of a series of large wooden crates that no doubt held the contents of his past life waiting to be used again to help carve out a future. A very different future than the one he'd once hoped for it appeared. As Filch stood up straight and wiped his sweaty brow, Snape acknowledged his help.
"Thank you, Filch. That was very quick of you. I appreciate you tending to this right away."
Filch nodded agreeably. "No problem, Professor. I'm pleased I could be of help. I'm really glad that you aren't dead, after all. Things haven't been the same around here without you. No one can keep those cheeky brats in line like you can. Your presence has been sorely missed, let me tell you…and that of your lady, too."
Snape smiled faintly at the caretaker, inwardly pleased to discover that someone, other than Albus, had truly missed him, although the mention of Evangeline stabbed at him sharply. Wanting to avoid having to discuss her, he sought other topics, and his glance fell on the boxes that now filled up much of the sitting room.
He frowned thoughtfully. "Is this all that was in storage, Filch? I'd have thought that there'd be more."
Filch looked appraisingly at the boxes. "No, this should be all of it, professor. There are a few other boxes in the bedroom, and then Miss Evangeline did take some things with her when she left. That might account for any difference. I imagine that she'll be bringing everything she took along with her when she joins you here. Will she be coming soon?"
Snape stiffened at Filch's comment, and his jaw clenched painfully. Well, so much for steering the conversation away from Evangeline. "Evangeline won't be joining me here, Filch." He stated in a firm authoritative tone.
Startled, the caretaker's mouth dropped open. "What? Why not? Did something happen to her that I don't know about?" Concern tinged his voice as a worried frown creased his forehead.
"Evangeline was perfectly fine the last time I saw her. She's simply decided that being my wife is something that she no longer desires. She's spending her time with Remus Lupin now." Snape's tone was sharp, hoping to forestall more questions. It didn't have the desired effect on the confused caretaker, though.
Filch stared at him goggle-eyed. Surprise and shock replacing concern. "Begging your pardon, Professor, but that's got to be wrong. Miss Evangeline loves you, not Professor Lupin. If she knew you were alive, she'd leave him in a minute. I know she would."
Not happy to be contradicted in this matter, Snape glowered ominously at the man. Thunderclouds hovered around his expression and lightning snapped in his eyes. "She's well aware that I'm alive, Filch. She and Lupin were intimately involved when I spoke to them earlier. I'm sure they simply returned to each other once I left them."
However, Filch refused to leave well enough alone. If Snape was intending to intimidate the man, he was failing abysmally, but then he was out of practice. The caretaker shook his head stubbornly. "Miss Evangeline wouldn't do that. She loves you, Professor. I don't care what you saw or thought you saw, but if you gave her half a chance, she'd be right here with you. I know she would. You're all she ever talked about…all she ever thought about. She went through hell when she thought you'd died."
Snape's expression darkened even further, could he never escape from this painful subject? "Yes, as everyone keeps telling me. Not that it's any of your business, but I have no intention of giving Evangeline another chance, Filch. She's with Remus Lupin now, and no doubt that's how it will remain. My relationship with Evangeline Winthrop is over."
Stubbornly Filch shook his head in disgust. "Well, forgive me for saying so, Professor, but if you let that happen, then you're a much bigger fool than I'd have ever believed possible."
Shocked beyond measure, Snape raised his eyebrows in astonishment. In all the years he'd known him, Filch had never spoken to him in this sort of disrespectful manner before. How had Evangeline acquired all of these champions, anyway?
"This is none of your business, Filch. Kindly refrain from sticking your nose into my private affairs." Snape retorted angrily.
Filch sighed and shook his head. "That's just your pride talking, Professor Snape. If you let that lady slip away from you because your pride has been hurt because she turned to someone else for comfort when she thought you were dead, you'll end up regretting it, you just see if you don't. Pride is far too expensive an emotion, I've never been able to afford it myself."
With that final comment, Filch turned around and left the room leaving Snape to stare after him with a black scowl on his face.
*************************************************************************************************
Now that he was finally alone for a while, Snape took a long look around his quarters. It seemed strange to see them so barren. Seeing the rooms this way took him back in time. The chambers looked much the same as they had when they'd first been given to him so many years ago now. All those empty bookshelves waiting to be filled, a large empty fireplace, a completely clear desk. He'd forgotten how big the desk was. So much of its surface was always filled up with clutter of one sort or another. It looked so odd with nothing on top of it. He crossed the room to lay a hand on its polished surface and mused that under the present circumstances, it could be quite a while before he had anything to use to cover it up again. A rather depressing thought.
Feeling a little lost, he wandered out of the sitting room and into the bedroom, weaving his way through the maze of crates, and looked around there, too. The empty walls were so bare looking; his eyes drifted to the boxes on the floor. His paintings must be in one of them. Reluctance stayed his hand, though, as he was contemplating seeking them out and hanging them up again. They'd become so entwined with Evangeline in his thoughts. Every time he'd look at them all he'd see would be her face. No, too many memories there. The paintings could wait for another time…perhaps quite a long time. Not to mention that the last thing he needed at the moment was for his alchemist to join the Hogwarts' chorus and start to give him grief about Evangeline as well. Everyone in the castle seemed determined to give him his or her opinions about something that's no one's business but his own! Typical!
Darkly he scowled at the empty walls and turned away to glance at the wardrobe that stood with open doors awaiting his clothes…where theirs had once hung, and then there was the bed…Damn. This wasn't going to be easy. Why did he ever give in to his desires so long ago now and let Evangeline into his life…into his heart? He really should've known better. No matter how desirable she'd been, no matter how much he'd wanted to kiss her and make love to her, no matter how much he'd wanted to get to know her…he should have been stronger and resisted the temptation. Now images of her were everywhere he looked, especially in this bed. Slowly he reached out a hand and fingered the green bed curtains sadly. Could he really sleep there alone again without her ghost haunting him?
Did he have to? Perhaps Filch and Albus were right. Perhaps Evangeline would come back to him if he wanted her to. Even after he'd rejected her so harshly. He loved her deeply…he always would…but could he get past the pain of seeing her with Remus Lupin? Every time he closed his eyes, it was all he saw. His sadistic mind kept replaying the image of her clasped in his arms…against his half naked body…his relatively unscarred half naked body, he realized with a sharp pang. Lupin's love bite stood out starkly against the pale flesh of her throat. It was painfully obvious what they'd been doing when he arrived at her door. He could vividly see Lupin kissing her, touching her, removing her clothes and… Damn! It was as if he'd been watching through the window!
His expression hardened again. Damn them both to hell! How could he ever get those agonizing images out of his mind? How could she betray him like that? With that Gryffindor werewolf of all people! No. It appeared the past was a closed book to him now…thinking about it would only make the pain worse.
Full of frustration and so confused by all his conflicted feelings that he could hardly think straight, he whirled around and drew his wand from his sleeve. With a vicious wave of his extended arm, the tops flew off all the boxes to clatter loudly to the bare stone floor in a satisfying expression of his inner pain and anger.
Before he could do anything else, though, there was a loud knock at the door. Trembling with suppressed emotion, he closed his eyes and tried to get a hold of his temper again. Now what? Couldn't he get even a moment's peace to try to sort out his life, as pitiful as it was at the moment? The very last thing he needed was to have to deal with more well meaning idiots and their infernal nosiness!
Impatiently he strode briskly across the room to the door, kicking boxes and lids from his path, and wrenched it open sharply to glare at the latest unwanted intruder. "What the hell is it now?" He yelled rather more forcefully than he'd intended.
Minerva McGonagall stood there framed in the doorway with a shocked look on her face, staring at him in awe.
Snape sighed heavily and rolled his eyes to the heavens. Oh god…he could just hear another lecture coming. Could this day possibly get any worse?
She surprised him though, by throwing her arms around him and giving him a rather fierce hug. "Oh my goodness, Severus. I can't believe it's really you!" She exclaimed in a broken and sniffly voice.
Stunned by this show of affection from his usually so reserved colleague, he hugged her back rather stiffly disengaging himself as quickly as possible. "Yes, Minerva, it's really me."
A trifle embarrassed, she pulled back and cleared her throat roughly, blinking back tears. "How is this possible? Where have you been all this time?"
Snape frowned in surprise at her ignorance of the facts. "Didn't Albus tell you?"
"I haven't talked to Albus. Harry Potter told me that you were back, Severus."
Snape snorted abruptly. "Potter's certainly turned into the little town crier. Apparently he's taken it upon himself to be sure that the entire castle has been informed of my return."
Reluctantly he stepped back from the doorway to allow McGonagall to enter his rooms, resigning himself to going through the whole dreary mess one more time. Closing the door firmly behind the curious witch, he turned to confront her a bit unwillingly, yet he figured he might as well just get on with it. The sooner he told her what happened to him, the sooner she'd go away and leave him alone. Solitude was something he craved rather desperately at the moment, but it seemed to be more than usually elusive.
"I was captured by Voldemort's Death Eaters, Minerva. I've spent the last year in one of his more uncomfortable prisons simply trying to survive." He stated shortly.
Thoughtfully she nodded as her sharp eyes appraised him and took note of the extra lines in his face and how painfully thin he'd become. "Yes, the house elves will have their work cut out for them to fatten you up a bit, Severus. Has Poppy looked you over, yet?"
Her question caused him to hesitate, thinking about all the horrible intricate scars hidden under his clothes. The idea of showing them to anyone, even Poppy, made him intensely uncomfortable. With a sudden shiver, he admitted to himself that perhaps it was just as well that he wasn't going to be with Evangeline any more. He'd resisted thinking about it, but it would be foolish to pretend that this wasn't a huge part of his reluctance to face his wife again. How could he ever bear to let her see what had happened to him? His body would probably horrify her now, and she'd turn away from him in disgust. Pain lanced through him once more as he pictured the shocked expression on her lovely face as she looked at the depressing ruin he'd become. Making love to him would probably just sicken her. He shivered once more. If he even could make love to her anymore. A painful thought his horrified mind didn't wish to pursue.
"I'm perfectly fine, Minerva. I have no need to be poked at by Poppy." He said stiffly, avoiding her shrewd eyes.
She frowned at him and glared over the top of her spectacles. "Now Severus, I can't believe that they simply stuck you in a cell and forgot about you. I'm sure that you must have been subjected to far too much physical abuse during such a lengthy incarceration. After an ordeal like that, you should be checked over just to be sure. There could be problems that you aren't even aware of. It's far better to be safe than sorry after all."
Oh, he was quite aware of what "problems" his ordeal had left him with. He didn't need anyone else pointing them out to him in excruciating detail. Raising his glance to hers once more, he frowned darkly at her and spoke rather sharply, hoping to intimidate her into dropping the subject. "The word is torture, Minerva, and whether I was subjected to any or not is none of your business. It's my body and my life. I have no need for anyone to meddle with either. I am perfectly fine. Let's leave this topic, shall we?"
Although annoyed at his tone, she had to admit that he wasn't one of her students. She couldn't force him to see Poppy if he didn't want to after all. So she tightened her lips in disapproval and nodded shortly. "All right, Severus. If you say so. I won't pressure you to go get examined, but I still think it would be a good idea for you to do so."
Before he could snap at her again, she changed the topic and asked the question that was uppermost in her mind. "Have you seen Evangeline, yet? She must be so happy to find out that you're still alive. She was absolutely devastated to lose you, you know. When will she be moving back in here with you?"
Here it comes again. He should have known that he wasn't getting out of this conversation without having to confront the question of Evangeline one more time. Why can't everyone find something else to talk about? Drawing himself up to his full height, he dusted off his best sneer, plastered it onto his face, and directed its full force at the Transfigurations teacher.
"Evangeline is with that flea bitten Gryffindor werewolf, as you are no doubt aware, Minerva. You Gryffindors tend to stick together. It wouldn't surprise me to discover that you had quite a hand in their getting involved in the first place. Were you playing matchmaker in my absence? Pairing her up with someone you'd consider to be more suitable, perhaps? Is that what happened? Perhaps I have you to thank for the destruction of my marriage."
Appalled at this unexpected attack, Minerva's jaw dropped. "What are you talking about, Severus? Evangeline loves you with all her heart. She'd never choose to stay with Remus if she knows that you're alive."
"Why is everyone so quick to assume that Evangeline doesn't love Lupin? You don't do her any honor to assume that she'd take anyone into her bed if she didn't love him. And let me assure you it was painfully obvious to me when I saw her that that was indeed where she'd taken him!"
Agony dug its bitter claws into his heart once more. He clenched his jaw tightly and glanced away from his appalled colleague, his expression dark and full of anger. A sudden tic jumped tensely next to his left eye. "My "wife" is quite aware that I am alive, as I am aware of her intimate involvement with Lupin. She's apparently moved on with her life, and I'm leaving her to it. Our marriage is over. She will not be coming back here to Hogwarts unless she accompanies him. Is that clear enough for you, Minerva?"
Totally flummoxed by his outrageous attitude, Minerva simply stood there and gaped at him, finding her voice took real effort on her part so astonished and dismayed was she. "You simply can't be serious, Severus." She finally choked out in a cracked whisper. "Evangeline loves you…not Remus…you. Though at the moment I can't think of a single reason why she should."
Snape turned back and scowled furiously at the stunned witch, dropping his voice to a deadly quiet tone. "Every person I've talked to today has made it a point to stick their nose into my private business, and I won't tolerate it any longer. My life is my own. If Evangeline wishes to make love to some mangy animal masquerading as a man, then that is her choice. She is no longer my concern. As soon as it's possible, I intend to rectify one of the biggest mistakes I ever made and legally dissolve our marriage. There is nothing left to talk about, Minerva. Now, if you will please leave, I have a lot of work to do if I'm to make this place livable again."
Still stunned by his attitude, Minerva nodded shortly. "Very well. I'll leave you to your work, then. You're making a big mistake, Severus. I hope you don't come to regret it." With that she turned sharply on her heel and swept out the door, leaving the Potions Master alone. As he seemed to want it.
*************************************************************************************************
Author's Notes: It seems as if I have to say this every other chapter, but once again fanfiction isn't sending me notifications of all my reviews, so if I've missed responding to anyone, I do apologize.
Werecat99: Thank you. Slytherin just wants what's best for his Head of House.
Ishie: It's nice to hear from you. No one has finished suffering just yet, sorry.
Leeloojinn: I'm glad you liked the scene at the graveside. It was the hardest scene to get right, I think, but it was my favorite. :)
Melissa Jooty: Remus sees the handwriting on the wall…though he doesn't like it. Severus is only now beginning to truly realize the implications of the torture he endured and how it's going to affect the rest of his life.
Whale of the World: No one is on firm ground at the moment. As Yoda would say, "Always in motion is the future."
Snapefan51: Severus' belief that he'll never have another child has nothing to do with his age, I'm afraid. He's much more concerned with his lingering physical injuries and his estrangement from his wife. Slytherin's study has a mind of it's own. Dumbledore and McGonagall, as Gryffindors, probably wouldn't be allowed in the door.
Elbereth94: Poetic indeed and telling. You're probably right about Black and Snape. :)
Rickfan37: Wow. High praise indeed from someone whose work is full of moving passages. Thank you.
Ultrahotpink: Thanks. :)
Jezebel: Thank you. That is a very sad moment for him.
Cloudshape: YES…yes, yes! I almost asked you if you were to-Ennien, but I thought, no, what are the odds… :) Higher than I thought I guess! That's one of my very favorite Star Trek novels even after all these years. I re-read it every few years. Lovely story! Now for a slightly sadder story…Snape comes to his senses. The problem is that once he gets over the anger at finding Evangeline with Remus, he begins to think of all the reasons why she'd be better off.
Lina Lupin: Thank you. The study will show up one more time, I think. I haven't worked out all the details yet. :)
Zagzagael: Goodness, even your reviews are more eloquently written than any I've ever read before. When they coined the phrase "waxing poetic" they were talking about you. :) You're the one who should be writing professionally, dear, not me, but I'm glad that you like what I've come up with so far. Thank you so very much…your opinion means a lot.
.