A Casual Correspondence (1/?)
By: LadyDraco917 & ShinigamiForever
Warnings: Oddity, slash, extreme oddity, sexual innuendo, and did I mention that it's odd? H/D, R/Herm, SF/BZ, and SF/SS.
Disclaimer: If I were J.K. Rowling, I wouldn't be wasting my time with silly non-sense like this. Therefore, I do not own the characters (although I am visited quite frequently by my Draco-baby *wink*) and sadly never will. Please don't sue, you won't get much anyway.
A/N: Right, well this is chapter one of what I hope will be a fairly entertaining story. It's a little confusing but I trust in the intellect of you readers out there, and am sure you'll figure out what's going on. Reviews are always more than welcome. This is Smoke Break Production.
A Casual Correspondence Chapter I: The Rumors People Hear
To: Draco-Baby From: Blaise
Just thought I'd drop a note, both of us being Slythies and all that. Oh yeah, house party on Friday, don't forget. In reply to your earlier question it is not prostitution, I do it for fun. And don't tell me you're not sleeping with a certain Gryffie at night. *wink wink* Well, Blaise must get going, people to do, places to go. Watch your back, Draco dearest.
To: Zabini From: Malfoy
Oh, I'm not the one who should be watching my back (although I always do, can't seem to trust anyone these days), if I were you I would not want to be my enemy. I have certain ways of dealing with people like you, Zabini. And do stay out of my business, just because you took over my job doesn't mean you can know what goes on in my personal life. Oh, and Zabini, don't call me Draco 'baby'.
To: Malfoy From: Potter
How the hell does Zabini know and you better have a good explanation.
To: Potter From: Malfoy
For once I'm as clueless as you are, Potter. What about that Seamus Finnigan fellow? He seems to be the sex detective of Gryffindor.
To: Draco-Baby From: Blasie
Ah, but you are the one who needs to watch your back, Draco-Baby! That's cuz even though I took over your old job of being inter-house slut, I'm not in a long-term relationship with a certain boy who lived. And you know just as I know, long-term relationships are pretty dangerous! Anyway, he's a good catch. Quite the pretty boy, neh?
To: Zabini From: Malfoy
Zabini, you're in over your head. And I would like to know just how you found out about this. As for the risks of a long-term relationship, I am quite aware of the dangers. There is more at stake than you may realize. I am only going to say this once, you utter one word of this to anyone, and I will see to it that the rest of your years at Hogwarts are a living nightmare. And do try to keep your filthy paws off him. He's all mine.
To: Malfoy From: Potter
Seamus does not blab, Malfoy. However, I know a certain blonde that does.
To: Potter From: Malfoy
Oh please, Potter. A Malfoy never kisses and tells.
To: Harry From: Ron
Harry, what is this I've been hearing about you and Malfoy?! You're not..you couldn't be...errrr...
To: Ron From: Harry
What exactly have you been hearing and from who?
To: Harry From: Ron
Well, I overheard this guy..Blaise Zabini I think it was, he was mumbling something while writing a note. He said something about you and Malfoy sleeping together? Please tell me that isn't true. It can't be. Anyway, I have to go. Potions homework you know.
To: Draco-Baby From: Blaise
My, my, someone is possessive, no? As to how I found out, I have my little birdies just as you do, except mine are probably more willing, due to my ah... profession. A word to the wise, Draco: never underestimate anyone. And I haven't told anyone. Try someone whose last name begins with T.
To: Zabini From: Malfoy
It's not that I'm possessive, it's just that I don't want him soiled by the likes of you. And I'll thank you not to call me "Draco-Baby". Can you really call sleeping around a profession? I certainly can't. Zabini, lay off the riddles would you? Oh, and I never underestimate an enemy.
To: Malfoy From: Potter
I certainly hope you're not kissing but I know someone is telling.
To: Potter From: Malfoy
No one but you lover boy, and I'll know soon enough.
To: Ron From: Harry
Of course it's not true, Ron! I mean, Malfoy. No way. No way. And Zabini is the one spreading the rumors?
To: Harry From: Ron
I'm so relieved! I mean of course the rumors aren't true. What was I thinking? Anyway, I don't know if he's the one. I just heard him babbling, that's all.
To: Draco-Honey From: Blaise
Riddle me this, riddle me that. It's not that hard to figure out, Draco dearest. Who do you know with a last name starting with a 'T'? Come on, I don't keep a radar on your comings and goings, no pun intended. And sleeping around is indeed a profession, Draco. You did it yourself, too. Except now you have Mr. potter to do you on a regular basis, no? *wink* Sweet dreams, Draco.
To: Blaise-Baby From: Draco
Haha, very clever Zabini. Let's see, people I know with a last name beginning with the letter 'T'. Could it be Dean Thomas? I never thought of him as one to spread rumors, but then again I don't trust anyone. And I'm very glad to hear that you've stopped mooning over me and have moved on to stalking other people who actually want your "services". And wouldn't you like to know just what Potter and I do, no? *wink* Happy hunting, Blaise.
To: Malfoy From: Potter
Watch the sweet talk, owls get intercepted on a daily basis. Kiss
To: Potter From: Malfoy
Well, I'm sure it doesn't help that you keep sending me letters with a roaring Gryffindor lion on the front. People may start to think something's going on between us if they see me reading such a thing. Can I take you up on that for a real one? *wink*
To: Ron From: Harry
Oh yeah, have you heard about Zabini's new *ahem* profession?
To: Harry From: Ron
Have I ever! That's all Seamus talks about lately!
To: Draco-Baby From: Blaise
Ah, Draco, my dear, I'll always have a special place in my heart, just for you. As for what you and Potter do in your free time, I couldn't care less. But if it involves handcuffs, Draco dear, make sure you keep the key handy and not lose it when you're otherwise occupied. Speaking of which, Dean has his own little spies, and to top it off, he is a very perceptive little boy. He shares a dorm room with Potter, and anyone can recognize the bite marks you leave on his neck, Draco. Sweet dreams, my dear vampire.
To: Blaise-Baby From: Draco
I really wish you hadn't said that. I'll be having nightmares for weeks. And don't worry I always keep a spare key handy for just such an occasion. See, unlike you Blaise dear, I'm prepared for that sort of thing. That's why I'm not the one who was found asleep, stark naked, handcuffed to the bedpost. I'm aware that Dean has his own little spies and is quite perceptive about that sort of thing. Especially the marks from a good snogging. He does hang out with Finnigan, you know. Nighty night, my dear handcuffed fellow.
To: Malfoy From: Potter
As if your snake wasn't obvious too. And get your mind out of the gutter, Malfoy, I have a potions test to study for. And while you're in the Slytherin common room, give Blaise a good swift kick in the ass for me.
To: Potter From: Malfoy
Why Harry, I never thought you'd notice! Come now, isn't that why you like me? Being dirty minded has its good points you know. Oh, and believe me Potter I'll do more than give him a good swift kick in the ass.
To: Ron From: Harry
Think they're a pair? It would be funny.
To: Harry From: Ron
Think? I know they are. It's kinda obvious.
To: Draco-Baby From: Blaise
Take good care to remember who it was that got me handcuffed in the first place, Mr. S&M. I do hope Potter knows what he's got himself into. Oh, and did you hear about Seamus and Snape? I wouldn't want to do what dear dear Finnegan has been doing!
To: Blaise-Honey From: Draco
Why Blaise, what ever are you talking about? I'm not the one with the fetish for kinkiness. Potter knows by now just what he's got himself into. Really? My, Snape certainly has sunk low this time. He's a Gryffindor, and their inter-house slut! I ask you, is there any pride left in the Slytherin house?
To: Malfoy From: Potter
I just hope it doesn't involve whips. *wink* (see, I can have a dirty mind too.)
To: Potter From: Malfoy
Hmmm..I'll have to put that dirty mind of yours to good use then. Meet me tonight, same time as always, usual place. Can't wait. *smooch*
To: Ron From: Harry
Never thought Seamus to be one for inter-house relationships.
To: Harry From: Ron
Harry, man, are you kidding! Seamus is the biggest slut in Gryff.
To: Draco-Baby From: Blaise
Not since you decided to keep Potter as your own personal sex slave. As for kinky fetishes, you know as well as I do what you have, and while it's quite amusing from an outside look- Draco, have you ever been under handcuffs and ravished? I don't care how thick your skin is, it hurts! A lot! And so be careful with your little Harry-poo. He has celebrity photos to take, and no one needs to see hickeys, do they?
To: Blaise-Honey From: Draco
I'll have you know, Blaise dear, that I'm over that little quirk. It was just a passing fancy really. And it is quite amusing to see someone like you writhing in pain while being ravished beyond all rational thought. And I know it hurts but did you really have to carry on screaming like that? Don't worry yourself Blaise, I know just how rough he likes it. *smirk*
To: Malfoy From: Potter
Same time, same place, then. Kisses.
To: Potter From: Malfoy
I'll be waiting in anticipation. See you in double potions then, partner. Kisses.
To: Ron From: Harry
So what is this I hear about you and Herm, huh? Just friends, mm?
To: Harry From: Ron
Well, umm..I..errr...me and Hermione you see, we're.you know.
To: Draco-Baby From: Blaise
I do sincerely hope Potter puts you in your place. He always seemed the dominant, no? *smirk* After all, he is quite a cutie. But don't you worry, old sport, not moving into your territory. Have you heard about the Weasel and the Mudblood? Oh, and Flich found a pair of handcuffs in the broom closet. Were they yours? I'm sure potter likes it rough, eh?
Blaise "Honey"
To Blaise honey From: Draco
Oh on the contrary, I'd say I'm the one who puts him in his place. Me being the 'dominant' person I am and all. Oh, and I have no fear of you moving in on him what so ever. For you see, Blaise, unlike you he's quite faithful. It's rather endearing sometimes, actually. And, no, I haven't heard about the Weasel and the Mudblood. Are they an item now? Handcuffs in the broom closet, you say? I haven't the foggiest who's they could be. Rough? Hmm.I'll say this, he gives it out just as well as he takes it.
Draco "Baby"
To: Ron From: Harry
Dating, are we?
To: Harry From: Ron
Well, you could say that, I suppose.
To: Lord Henry From: Dorian Gray
The names above? Why, just a little reference to your favorite gay writer, Oscar Wilde. As for the endearing faith, that's sickeningly sweet, Draco- Baby, that anyone would put so much faith in you. But I guess we're all a little weak. Yes, the Weasel and the Mudblood are indeed a couple. As for the handcuffs, I owe you for that one.
Blaise-Honey
To: Blaise-Honey From: Draco
Oh, indeed, how clever of you Blaise. I didn't actually believe that you read, but now with this startling turn of events I'll be sure to inform the general public that you can and actually do. As for Potter's "sickeningly sweet faith" in me, as you so nicely put it, you shouldn't sound so surprised. I know I have been a little slut in the past, but that's all because I don't really respect the people I have a bit of fun with. And that's all we were Blaise dear, you were just a bit of fun. A passing fancy really. So the Mudblood and the Weasel are a couple. My what a perfectly matched pair. Weasely the Mudblood lover indeed.
Draco-Baby
To: Potter From: Malfoy
I haven't heard from you since that night in the astronomy tower. What's wrong Harry dearest? Having second thoughts are we? Kisses.
Warnings: Oddity, slash, extreme oddity, sexual innuendo, and did I mention that it's odd? H/D, R/Herm, SF/BZ, and SF/SS.
Disclaimer: If I were J.K. Rowling, I wouldn't be wasting my time with silly non-sense like this. Therefore, I do not own the characters (although I am visited quite frequently by my Draco-baby *wink*) and sadly never will. Please don't sue, you won't get much anyway.
A/N: Right, well this is chapter one of what I hope will be a fairly entertaining story. It's a little confusing but I trust in the intellect of you readers out there, and am sure you'll figure out what's going on. Reviews are always more than welcome. This is Smoke Break Production.
A Casual Correspondence Chapter I: The Rumors People Hear
To: Draco-Baby From: Blaise
Just thought I'd drop a note, both of us being Slythies and all that. Oh yeah, house party on Friday, don't forget. In reply to your earlier question it is not prostitution, I do it for fun. And don't tell me you're not sleeping with a certain Gryffie at night. *wink wink* Well, Blaise must get going, people to do, places to go. Watch your back, Draco dearest.
To: Zabini From: Malfoy
Oh, I'm not the one who should be watching my back (although I always do, can't seem to trust anyone these days), if I were you I would not want to be my enemy. I have certain ways of dealing with people like you, Zabini. And do stay out of my business, just because you took over my job doesn't mean you can know what goes on in my personal life. Oh, and Zabini, don't call me Draco 'baby'.
To: Malfoy From: Potter
How the hell does Zabini know and you better have a good explanation.
To: Potter From: Malfoy
For once I'm as clueless as you are, Potter. What about that Seamus Finnigan fellow? He seems to be the sex detective of Gryffindor.
To: Draco-Baby From: Blasie
Ah, but you are the one who needs to watch your back, Draco-Baby! That's cuz even though I took over your old job of being inter-house slut, I'm not in a long-term relationship with a certain boy who lived. And you know just as I know, long-term relationships are pretty dangerous! Anyway, he's a good catch. Quite the pretty boy, neh?
To: Zabini From: Malfoy
Zabini, you're in over your head. And I would like to know just how you found out about this. As for the risks of a long-term relationship, I am quite aware of the dangers. There is more at stake than you may realize. I am only going to say this once, you utter one word of this to anyone, and I will see to it that the rest of your years at Hogwarts are a living nightmare. And do try to keep your filthy paws off him. He's all mine.
To: Malfoy From: Potter
Seamus does not blab, Malfoy. However, I know a certain blonde that does.
To: Potter From: Malfoy
Oh please, Potter. A Malfoy never kisses and tells.
To: Harry From: Ron
Harry, what is this I've been hearing about you and Malfoy?! You're not..you couldn't be...errrr...
To: Ron From: Harry
What exactly have you been hearing and from who?
To: Harry From: Ron
Well, I overheard this guy..Blaise Zabini I think it was, he was mumbling something while writing a note. He said something about you and Malfoy sleeping together? Please tell me that isn't true. It can't be. Anyway, I have to go. Potions homework you know.
To: Draco-Baby From: Blaise
My, my, someone is possessive, no? As to how I found out, I have my little birdies just as you do, except mine are probably more willing, due to my ah... profession. A word to the wise, Draco: never underestimate anyone. And I haven't told anyone. Try someone whose last name begins with T.
To: Zabini From: Malfoy
It's not that I'm possessive, it's just that I don't want him soiled by the likes of you. And I'll thank you not to call me "Draco-Baby". Can you really call sleeping around a profession? I certainly can't. Zabini, lay off the riddles would you? Oh, and I never underestimate an enemy.
To: Malfoy From: Potter
I certainly hope you're not kissing but I know someone is telling.
To: Potter From: Malfoy
No one but you lover boy, and I'll know soon enough.
To: Ron From: Harry
Of course it's not true, Ron! I mean, Malfoy. No way. No way. And Zabini is the one spreading the rumors?
To: Harry From: Ron
I'm so relieved! I mean of course the rumors aren't true. What was I thinking? Anyway, I don't know if he's the one. I just heard him babbling, that's all.
To: Draco-Honey From: Blaise
Riddle me this, riddle me that. It's not that hard to figure out, Draco dearest. Who do you know with a last name starting with a 'T'? Come on, I don't keep a radar on your comings and goings, no pun intended. And sleeping around is indeed a profession, Draco. You did it yourself, too. Except now you have Mr. potter to do you on a regular basis, no? *wink* Sweet dreams, Draco.
To: Blaise-Baby From: Draco
Haha, very clever Zabini. Let's see, people I know with a last name beginning with the letter 'T'. Could it be Dean Thomas? I never thought of him as one to spread rumors, but then again I don't trust anyone. And I'm very glad to hear that you've stopped mooning over me and have moved on to stalking other people who actually want your "services". And wouldn't you like to know just what Potter and I do, no? *wink* Happy hunting, Blaise.
To: Malfoy From: Potter
Watch the sweet talk, owls get intercepted on a daily basis. Kiss
To: Potter From: Malfoy
Well, I'm sure it doesn't help that you keep sending me letters with a roaring Gryffindor lion on the front. People may start to think something's going on between us if they see me reading such a thing. Can I take you up on that for a real one? *wink*
To: Ron From: Harry
Oh yeah, have you heard about Zabini's new *ahem* profession?
To: Harry From: Ron
Have I ever! That's all Seamus talks about lately!
To: Draco-Baby From: Blaise
Ah, Draco, my dear, I'll always have a special place in my heart, just for you. As for what you and Potter do in your free time, I couldn't care less. But if it involves handcuffs, Draco dear, make sure you keep the key handy and not lose it when you're otherwise occupied. Speaking of which, Dean has his own little spies, and to top it off, he is a very perceptive little boy. He shares a dorm room with Potter, and anyone can recognize the bite marks you leave on his neck, Draco. Sweet dreams, my dear vampire.
To: Blaise-Baby From: Draco
I really wish you hadn't said that. I'll be having nightmares for weeks. And don't worry I always keep a spare key handy for just such an occasion. See, unlike you Blaise dear, I'm prepared for that sort of thing. That's why I'm not the one who was found asleep, stark naked, handcuffed to the bedpost. I'm aware that Dean has his own little spies and is quite perceptive about that sort of thing. Especially the marks from a good snogging. He does hang out with Finnigan, you know. Nighty night, my dear handcuffed fellow.
To: Malfoy From: Potter
As if your snake wasn't obvious too. And get your mind out of the gutter, Malfoy, I have a potions test to study for. And while you're in the Slytherin common room, give Blaise a good swift kick in the ass for me.
To: Potter From: Malfoy
Why Harry, I never thought you'd notice! Come now, isn't that why you like me? Being dirty minded has its good points you know. Oh, and believe me Potter I'll do more than give him a good swift kick in the ass.
To: Ron From: Harry
Think they're a pair? It would be funny.
To: Harry From: Ron
Think? I know they are. It's kinda obvious.
To: Draco-Baby From: Blaise
Take good care to remember who it was that got me handcuffed in the first place, Mr. S&M. I do hope Potter knows what he's got himself into. Oh, and did you hear about Seamus and Snape? I wouldn't want to do what dear dear Finnegan has been doing!
To: Blaise-Honey From: Draco
Why Blaise, what ever are you talking about? I'm not the one with the fetish for kinkiness. Potter knows by now just what he's got himself into. Really? My, Snape certainly has sunk low this time. He's a Gryffindor, and their inter-house slut! I ask you, is there any pride left in the Slytherin house?
To: Malfoy From: Potter
I just hope it doesn't involve whips. *wink* (see, I can have a dirty mind too.)
To: Potter From: Malfoy
Hmmm..I'll have to put that dirty mind of yours to good use then. Meet me tonight, same time as always, usual place. Can't wait. *smooch*
To: Ron From: Harry
Never thought Seamus to be one for inter-house relationships.
To: Harry From: Ron
Harry, man, are you kidding! Seamus is the biggest slut in Gryff.
To: Draco-Baby From: Blaise
Not since you decided to keep Potter as your own personal sex slave. As for kinky fetishes, you know as well as I do what you have, and while it's quite amusing from an outside look- Draco, have you ever been under handcuffs and ravished? I don't care how thick your skin is, it hurts! A lot! And so be careful with your little Harry-poo. He has celebrity photos to take, and no one needs to see hickeys, do they?
To: Blaise-Honey From: Draco
I'll have you know, Blaise dear, that I'm over that little quirk. It was just a passing fancy really. And it is quite amusing to see someone like you writhing in pain while being ravished beyond all rational thought. And I know it hurts but did you really have to carry on screaming like that? Don't worry yourself Blaise, I know just how rough he likes it. *smirk*
To: Malfoy From: Potter
Same time, same place, then. Kisses.
To: Potter From: Malfoy
I'll be waiting in anticipation. See you in double potions then, partner. Kisses.
To: Ron From: Harry
So what is this I hear about you and Herm, huh? Just friends, mm?
To: Harry From: Ron
Well, umm..I..errr...me and Hermione you see, we're.you know.
To: Draco-Baby From: Blaise
I do sincerely hope Potter puts you in your place. He always seemed the dominant, no? *smirk* After all, he is quite a cutie. But don't you worry, old sport, not moving into your territory. Have you heard about the Weasel and the Mudblood? Oh, and Flich found a pair of handcuffs in the broom closet. Were they yours? I'm sure potter likes it rough, eh?
Blaise "Honey"
To Blaise honey From: Draco
Oh on the contrary, I'd say I'm the one who puts him in his place. Me being the 'dominant' person I am and all. Oh, and I have no fear of you moving in on him what so ever. For you see, Blaise, unlike you he's quite faithful. It's rather endearing sometimes, actually. And, no, I haven't heard about the Weasel and the Mudblood. Are they an item now? Handcuffs in the broom closet, you say? I haven't the foggiest who's they could be. Rough? Hmm.I'll say this, he gives it out just as well as he takes it.
Draco "Baby"
To: Ron From: Harry
Dating, are we?
To: Harry From: Ron
Well, you could say that, I suppose.
To: Lord Henry From: Dorian Gray
The names above? Why, just a little reference to your favorite gay writer, Oscar Wilde. As for the endearing faith, that's sickeningly sweet, Draco- Baby, that anyone would put so much faith in you. But I guess we're all a little weak. Yes, the Weasel and the Mudblood are indeed a couple. As for the handcuffs, I owe you for that one.
Blaise-Honey
To: Blaise-Honey From: Draco
Oh, indeed, how clever of you Blaise. I didn't actually believe that you read, but now with this startling turn of events I'll be sure to inform the general public that you can and actually do. As for Potter's "sickeningly sweet faith" in me, as you so nicely put it, you shouldn't sound so surprised. I know I have been a little slut in the past, but that's all because I don't really respect the people I have a bit of fun with. And that's all we were Blaise dear, you were just a bit of fun. A passing fancy really. So the Mudblood and the Weasel are a couple. My what a perfectly matched pair. Weasely the Mudblood lover indeed.
Draco-Baby
To: Potter From: Malfoy
I haven't heard from you since that night in the astronomy tower. What's wrong Harry dearest? Having second thoughts are we? Kisses.