Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter characters or anything relating to Harry Potter
WE WERE YOUNGER THEN
Werewolf
I sag against the side of an old broken down cupboard, panting for breath. I can feel it awakening inside me, making its way through my body until it inevitably reaches my brain. I let out another gasp as a searing bolt of pain courses through me. This is it. I feel my limbs begin to seize up. I throw myself onto the floor, bucking and writhing on the ground. I felt the prickle of fur sprouting all over my body, and I begin to shake uncontrollably. As always, I cannot get over the sensation of helplessness as I feel my mind being invaded by a force I am powerless to resist. I am dimly aware of the pain of my bones cracking as they change to suit this new form. I give a final tortured howl, and the transformation is complete…
…The room is nearly pitch black. Only a trickle of moonlight falls from a crack in the wooden roof… the wolf/boy/(me?) can only think of one thing, to escape... I/wolf push my/our nose to the crack…I/we howl with rage, I/we cannot get out! But I/we must have human meat/blood in my/our mouth…No! That would be wrong…but I/we have to…it would feel so good…there is no living flesh…must bite…I/we can't get out of here…there is no window, it is all dark…all dark…there is only one thing for me/us to do…my/our own flesh…it feels wrong…I/we howl in anguish…the pain…destroy…
~~~~~~~~
I open my eyes and the pain has finally left me. My skin is smooth and pale once more. The room is a wreck; I gave bitten through every surviving piece of furniture. I am lying naked on the cold stone floor. I struggle to my feet and slowly gather the tattered garments which were my clothes before the transformation. Though it has been happening for so many years, I still cannot bring myself to undress and save my clothes before the change. I look down at my arms and legs. They are a bloody mess; there are deep, jagged cuts all over them. The work of long fangs and sharp claws. Nothing the nurse can't fix, I think absently. I dress as best I can and stagger to the entrance of the tunnel, that leads back to the school grounds. I reach the end of the tunnel where the great tree is protecting me, and others, from myself. I wait at the bottom of the opening for someone to come and collect me, and a wave of relief washes over me, it is over again for another month. I lose track of the time as I wait and before I know it a voice is calling from above,
"Lupin? Lupin, are you there?" with a small smile I heave myself to my feet and call back up that I am here, and I am ready to climb up. At the top of the opening I crawl out into the open air. It is almost dusk, I see, and there are no students out on the grounds. The great tree, the 'whomping willow', is frozen in place, and the school nurse, Madam Pomfrey, is standing with a blanket in her hands.
"Come here, you poor sod," she says kindly, and seeing I am shivering, wraps the blanket around my shoulders. I give her a weak smile and begin to plod back towards the castle that is Hogwart's School Of Which Craft and Wizardry. My limbs are still shaking from the ordeal and all I can think of is sleep, but Madam Pomfrey insists on taking me up to the hospital wing to change into decent clothes. Silently, I hold out my lacerated skin for her to heal. She frowns as she smoothes balms over the wounds and forces potions down my throat.
"Worse then last time, eh?" she says, though it isn't a question. I nod, my eyelids drooping,
"Well, you go off to bed then," she says, and I turn and limp back to Gryffindor Tower, to join the rest of my house. It is buzzing with the excited voices of students contemplating the weekend ahead. I slip unnoticed into the common room, and make for the second-year dormitories. But I can't escape all of them, my friend Sirius Black has spotted me, and is making his way towards me from the other side of the room. I try to hurry, but he has caught up with me.
"Hey, Remus, you're back. How's your mother?" he looks at me straight in the eyes, and for one painstaking moment I think he has realised, that he knows that my ailing mother is not the real reason I go away every month…but the moment passes, and his face is as innocent as the day.
"Remus, what's wrong? You look kind of-"
"Nothing," I answer quickly, "A long train trip, you know," I hurry up the staircase, and as I go, I can feel his eyes boring into my back, and I know he wonders…he will work it out one day I think he's too smart not to…James too…and with a sinking heart, I clamber onto my four-poster and fall into an uneasy sleep.
~~~~~~
I wake in the morning unrefreshed, and as I trail down to the Great Hall for breakfast, I am thankful it is the weekend; I cannot bear to think of going to classes in this state. My friends have already arrived at the Gryffindor table, and they greet me jovially. Peter Pettigrew grins at me and tells me he hopes my mother is getting better. I feel a pang of guilt. I cannot bring myself to grin back, and all I manage is a feeble smile. I slept for twelve hours last night, and I know the 'long train trip' excuse will not last for long. James Potter, one of my other closest friends, passes me the honey,
"Hey, Remus." As I lift my hand to take the honey pot, the sleeve of my robe slides back, revealing the near-healed but still visible scratches on my skin. James stares at me,
"What the hell is that, Lupin?" he says anxiously, grabbing my arm for a closer look. I snatch my arm away and force a smile, telling them that my mother likes to keep a garden in her illness, that I helped her to prune the roses. The excuse sounds weak even as it leaves my lips. Peter seems to take the lie, and James nods his head and returns to his breakfast. Sirius raises an eyebrow but says nothing. I pretend not to have noticed. It is the same every month, I tell myself, they are no more suspicious than usual. But I know it is not true, especially since they saw the cuts. The claw marks. As soon as I have finished I leave the Hall quickly, claiming I have homework to catch up on.
~~~~~~~~
It is Monday, and my first class is Transfiguration with Professor McGonagall. I have gotten over my fatigue and am back to normal, and my friends have asked no more questions. At the front of the room, McGonagall is telling us to take out our wands and start transfiguring our house mice. Sirius is leaning back in his chair and talking to Rosie Liddleton sitting behind him, and she is giggling quietly. James has transfigured his mouse into a match box in a twinkling and is now attempting to help Peter. Sitting next to me, Kea Sarkie is gazing dreamily into space and twiddling her wand in her hands. I sigh and tap my mouse with my wand. With a small pop it turns into a match box, McGonagall strolls past my desk and eyes my work,
"Not bad, Lupin, a pity about the tail. You could do better, I believe." She gives me a stern look and moves on. I find it hard not to glare after her.
The class continues to work quietly through out the lesson, until there is a loud crack and the desk of Cindy Peters, who is sitting in the front row, disappears completely. The class snickers and McGonagall spins around, her eyes blazing. Cindy, who has fallen forward on to the floor, is beginning to cry. McGonagall helps her up and reinstates her desk, giving Sirius the death glare. He looks up innocently from his work, his dark eyes wide,
"Professor?" he says, feigning bewilderment. Rosie Liddleton sniggers into her hands and McGonagall sweeps the class with another cold look,
"I would just like remind you, second year Gryffindors, that I will not tolerate pranks or stunts of any kind in my class. Any of you who feel you would like to talk to me more about this, please see me after class," with that she sits back at her desk and there is silence for the rest of the lesson. As we walk out of class, James makes a loud remark about Cindy Peter's tear-ducts.
At lunch time, Sirius and James are still laughing about Cindy Peter's desk. I begin to feel quite irritated,
"I didn't think it was that funny. It's not her fault she's so sensitive," I say fractiously, and they all turn to look at me in surprise.
"What's wrong with you, Lupin? It was just a joke," says Sirius calmly. James and Peter look slightly puzzled, but Sirius is giving me an odd look. I don't say anything else, and the conversation slowly turns back to quiddich, James' obsession.
"I can't believe you got to be seeker," Peter is saying enviously, and James laughs,
"If only I wasn't so talented! Then maybe all you less worthy ones would have a chance," we all laugh, and I begin to feel more comfortable, although Sirius is still looking at me strangely.
~~~~~~
As the days go by, I begin to forget about the were-wolf inside me and begin to enjoy Hogwarts again. Before I know it, a month has passed, and it is three days until the full moon. I have already let them know that I will be leaving to visit my mother soon; I have found that they ask fewer questions if I give them warning, and the only thing that disturbed me was Sirius' reaction.
"Oh, your mother. Of course," he had said, "She has been ill for a long time, hasn't she?" I stared at him for what felt like years, and cringing inwardly I had finally said,
"Yes, it has been long. Sometimes I don't know if she'll ever get better," he had simply looked at me and smiled sympathetically, saying,
"Well then. Mind you don't get prickled by those roses, won't you?" and that was all he said, and now I sit alone in the dormitory, they'll leave for dead when they find out is all I can think, they'll leave me and they'll tell everyone and I'll have to leave. Dumbledore will have to get rid of me…I can feel the fear rising inside, threatening to swamp me. All those specially made plans to get me enrolled here, all those precautions, the shrieking shack, the whomping willow…all for nothing. I feel nothing but a paralysing fear. I literally cannot move. Two days to go, and that might be my last transformation at Hogwarts, and then home, home to the parents who expected more…
~~~~~~
I somehow get through the rest of the day, going through the classes as if in a dream, avoiding talking to my friends, especially Sirius, delaying the inevitable. And finally it happens. They corner me in an in an emptying corridor on the way back from dinner. Peter is looking puzzled; he obviously doesn't know what's going on. James' face in unreadable, I can't tell if he knows. Sirius is in the lead, and he has a firm grasp on my upper arm, and as he is taller and stronger than me, all I can do is follow. Sirius pushes me into an empty classroom, and James pushes the door shut and locks it behind us. Sirius lets go of me and calmly sits on the teacher's desk, clasping his hands together and looking at me expectantly. I stare back at him, and then around at the others, but they give no sign.
"Well, Remus, are you going to tell us or not?" asks Sirius conversationally,
"Tell you what?" I say quickly. Too quickly I realise, as I see James raise his eyebrows.
"I think you know what I'm talking about," says Sirius, "Don't you think, James?" James glances at him,
"I think he does," said James gravely, "And he'd better get on with it!" Peter is looking from one to the other in bafflement, and then back at me again. I know I have been found out, but still I try to pretend.
"I-I don't know what you're talking about!" I say, trying, and failing to look innocent and surprised. Sirius gives me a darkling look.
"Lupin," he says, dangerously calm, "If you don't spit it out in a minute, I'll-"
"He'll do nothing. We'll just be here a very long time. Isn't that right, Sirius?" says James coolly. Sirius looks slightly resentful, but says,
"I suppose that's right, Potter."
"What are you all talking about?" asks Peter frantically, looking at me. But I am speechless, and I simply gape at the three of them.
"Well," says Sirius darkly, "If cowardly-custard here isn't going to tell you, we'll have to. It all starts with the reason our friend Lupin disappears every month-" Peter interrupts,
"I thought that was his mum-"
"Shut up Peter! Anyway, I have been looking at the lunar chart recently, and do you know what I found?" I still cannot speak, so I simply nod dumbly,
"It showed that the full moon always coincides with Remus' little trips," says Sirius, who is lounging on the desk, and, to my bemusement, grinning widely.
"And there's the cuts on your arms," puts in James,
"You can't tell me they were made by bloody rose bushes," says Sirius, still smiling.
"Are you telling me," squeaks Peter, "are you telling me that Remus is a were-wolf?"
The word hangs in the air. Sirius has lost his smile, Peter is staring at me open mouthed, James is fiddling with a quill. A strange sense of calm overtakes me. They know. It is out, and my fate is in their hands. Slowly, I sink down into the nearest chair,
"Is there any point in denying it?" I ask quietly,
"No," says Sirius, without looking at me. We sit in silence for a long time, each with our own thoughts, I suppose. Suddenly James speaks,
"Is it very bad?" I gape at him, wondering what he could possible be thinking. Of course it is bad, they have found out…
"The transformations, I mean," he adds unexpectedly. I look at him, and I see genuine compassion in his face. He is not revolted at the thought of me; he is not speaking to me as if I were a freak… I think about his question for a second and something inside me sparks. Why shouldn't I tell him the truth?
"It is more terrible than you can possible imagine," I say softly. Sirius is now staring at me too, and he starts to say something,
"Is it-"
"Every month I am taken to an abandoned house in Hogsmeade. I change into a mindless monster with no thought other than to bite human flesh." I do not mean to speak, but it just comes out, "I howl and scream and destroy everything in sight. And when the urge to bite becomes too unbearable I attack my own hide, scratching and gouging until I am a bloody mess." I stop, because I can feel that my calm, even tone is about to crack. They are all staring at now, and I feel a strange delight at the looks of horror on their faces. They think they have problems, well look at mine…
"Well," I say, "Say it then. Say you'll leave me to-"
"Leave you?" asks Sirius softly, "What do you mean leave you?"
"Leave me. Tell the whole school what I am," I say flatly, looking at the floor. James gives an angry snort,
"Are you saying that you expect us to just – I don't know – stop being your friends because you're – you're a…"
"Were-wolf?" supplies Sirius cheerfully. Peter gives an involuntary shudder.
"Yes," says James, "What kind of friends do you think we are?"
"Of-of course we won't tell anyone," puts in Peter. I look up in astonishment, and a glimmer of hope sparks in me. I have underestimated my friends. I feel a pang of guilt; I have not given them enough credit…I feel like crying…
"You don't know what this means to-"
"Don't get all sentimental, Lupin," smiles Sirius, "Now, you have to tell us everything about it, because I think I have just had a most brilliant idea!" Peter gives him a dubious look, and James glares at him,
"Black, you know I'm not adverse to risks, but we are not going to-"
"Calm down, James, I haven't even told you my idea yet! Remus, tell us about – it." My head is still spinning from the revelations and I have hardly been listening. I take a gulp and begin. I tell them all about the time when I was eight, when I had sneaked out the front door to meet my friends one night on one of our pranks. I tell them how the were-wolf came, how it killed two other children and bit me, how the ones who escaped would never speak to me again. I inform them of the horror of the first transformation, and the grief of my parents when they could find no cure, and how I lived alone with my parents, without friends, with no hope of a real future, and a life of endless hiding. Then, as I begin to speak of how Dumbledore took me into the school when others would have refused, I felt my voice lift. I tell them about how every month I am taken to the Shrieking Shack via the Whomping Willow, and once I am talking, I cannot stop. It is as if a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I feel joyful for the first time in weeks. They listen raptly, and when I am finished they bombard me with questions, and for a few crazy moments I don't mind that I am a were-wolf. Smiling, I say to Sirius,
"What was your brilliant idea?" he grins evilly at me,
"Well, it would be highly dangerous, and it would need a lot of thinking through, but I was thinking we could-"
But just then Professor McGonagall bursts into the room, her face taught with rage,
"What do you think you're doing?" she bellows, "It is past midnight and you are talking loudly in a classroom right next to the staffroom?" we all stare at her.
"Just having a late-night Rave, Professor," says Sirius, who cannot help himself,
Professor McGonagall glares at him,
"None of you're smart-alec remarks, you're all on detention. Lupin, I expected better of you. Potter, just because you play Quiddich doesn't mean-"
"I'm sorry Professor," says James insincerely.
"I don't care how sorry you are, Potter. You're all to meet me outside my office at seven o'clock tomorrow night and I shall put you to work. Get back to bed now." No one says anything else, and we hurry back up to our dormitory. When I think that everyone is asleep, Sirius says,
"Does it feel better to have told us?"
"Yes. Seb and Geoff are in here too you know,"
"Yes, I know. But they're asleep," he assures me.
~~~~~
Finally it is time for me to go down to the shrieking shack once again. It feels like years since the last time, it feels like I am a whole different person. I almost smile, because I know my three friends are watching me even now, checking that I really am a were-wolf. The transformation is not as bad this time, my body is not nearly as cut up as usual, although I am still extremely weary when I finally get back to the Gryffindor common room a day, but my heart is much lighter then usual. My friends all rush towards me, slightly worried looks on their faces,
"I would make a 'wrong-time-of-the-month' joke if you didn't look so awful," says James with a smile. I manage a grin at that, and trudge up to the dormitory with something akin to good spirits.
***
As the months go by, I feel I am completely happy for the first time in my life. My friends help me to laugh about it in a way I have never been able to before. It comes as a shock when Sirius again mentions his 'brilliant idea'. We are in Charms class and Professor Flitwick is teaching us summoning charms. The room is in chaos, there are cushions flying every which way, so no-one is listening to our conversation.
"I've been thinking about how we can help Remus," says Sirius conversationally,
"With what?" I ask absently, attempting to summon my cushion from the other side of the classroom,
"With you know," says Sirius, "I've been thinking, you know how Professor McGonagall can change into a cat, how she's a whatcha-m'callit-"
"An animagus," says James excitedly, "You don't think we could-?"
"That's exactly what I think we could do," says Sirius, "It'd be really dangerous, but-"
"Hang on a minute," I say hurriedly, what are they thinking? I can't let them take this any further, "Are you being serious?"
"I always am Siri-"
"Shutup Sirius. You are not going to try to change into animagus, ok? Not for me, not for anyone-"
"Why not?" asks James, his face alight, "Think how cool it would be! A were-wolf is only a danger to humans, so-"
"We come and join you every month," finishes Sirius, grinning. I stare at them in horror. They are genuinely excited. How can they even contemplate it?
"You can't! It's too dangerous! Do you know how many wizards die trying to become an animagus?"
"Yeah, well, it'll mean a lot of research, of course," says James in a business-like voice, "But I think we're up to it,"
"We'll just have to take all the precautions," says Sirius, "It could take a while. But it'll be worth it!"
"But it's illegal to try with out ministry approval! You'd be breaking the law-"
"What the ministry doesn't know won't hurt the ministry," says James flippantly. I feel I should argue with them more, make them see sense. But with a pang of guilt I realise that I want them to do this for me, I want them to become animagus so I will not be alone in the shrieking shack.
"So it's decided," says Sirius, "We're going to become animagus. Where to start?"
"What about Peter?" I say, "How's he going to become-"
"Oh, Peter," says James, his grin faltering, "We'll just have to give him a lot of help, that's all," he said, looking over at Peter, who is sitting next to Rosie Liddleton and waving his wand in vain at a heavily embroidered cushion. I glare at James, and he simply shrugs. I know I'll never change their minds, and a shameful part of me is glad. They have had an idea, and they will not be able to resist the adventure of it. I just hope they don't kill themselves in the process. I look at them and play my last card,
"Do you guys know anything about animagus? Other than what McGonagall has told us, I mean?" Sirius and James exchange glances,
"Well, not much" says James sheepishly, "But we can learn. It can't be that hard-"
"James, there have only been a handful of known animagus is the last century. Not just anyone can change into an animal at will you know," especially not four twelve-year olds, I think. He seems to be lost for words for a second,
"Well, emphasis on the word known. There could be hundreds of illegal animagi out there," says Sirius, as if this settles the question.
~~~~~~~
Over the weeks that follow, Sirius and James talk of nothing but animagi and animagus-related topics. I have long abandoned my campaign against the idea, and start to happily join in the discussions, trying to push away the nagging feeling inside me that I am leading my friends into danger. Since we are only puny second-years, we are not allowed to into the restricted section of the library, where, Sirius assures me, we will find everything we need to know. So we take to making midnight escapades into the library. James and Sirius have inexplicably learnt how to perform the disillusionment charm, and Peter and I use James' old invisibility cloak, so we are reasonably well covered should Filch the caretaker happen to pass our way. In the library, we pore through old books looking for information about animagus. As we sit in absolute silence, James gives a gasp and waves us over.
"Look at this," he says, and we crowd around, looking down at the yellowed pages, and James begins to read in a barely audible voice:
'One with the power to transfigure themself into another animal form is known to wizard kind as an animagus. An animagus can change their body at will to that of another animal (most cases will change into mammals). However, the change only affects the flesh, and the person will retain their entire mind whilst they are transformed. In the past animagi were likened to creatures such as the were-wolf…
…Sirius grins…
…which does not keep its mind during transformations. No matter how much an animagus looks like another creature, he will never be a true beast, and other creatures will recognize the difference. Unlike the abilities of wizards called metamorphagi, one is not born an animagus. The ability can be learned through much hard labour and a great strength of will and control. It is not advisable to attempt to become an animagus if one is not completely confident of their magical abilities, and, as Law 57958 of the Public Health and Safety Act, passed in December 1567 clearly states, it is Illegal to take up the endeavour without ministry approval and supervision. The following accounts are by those few who have succeeded in becoming animagi:'
…James looks up from the book, "This could be just what we need!" he whispers excitedly…
'Marcus Olliveiri, animagus who is able to transform into a ferret:
I first tried to become an animagus when I left school (Hogwarts) and wished to prove to a certain group of friends that I was…'
"James, we don't have all night! Just skip to the bit about how he did it!" whispers Peter urgently.
"Ok, ok," says James,
'To make the first change, you have to be in an emotionless state of mind. You must think of nothing except your goal, to be in another form, to see the world as an animal and not as a human. You must put all your will behind it. You must really want to be something else…
James turns the page, and swears softly, "Someone's taken the next few pages!"
"That'd be right," I say,
"Well, we can at least take this page," says Sirius. We all look at him, "What? It's not as if anyone else is going to need it!" I give a snort,
"Except all the Newt students who have to study-" Suddenly Sirius is not grinning at me anymore, he is looking behind me. I whirl around, and there is Filch, standing in the doorway to the restricted section and wearing a truly evil leer.
~~~~~~~~~
~Elbereth-Gilthoniel~