Chapter Twenty-Seven: Reunion
Cold afternoon light slanted faintly through the heavy snow covered boughs of the trees near the outer edge of the Forbidden Forest. A slight breeze wafted through the undergrowth accompanied by the faint noises of its denizens as they prepared for the coming of darkness and another cold winter night.
The relative silence was broken by the sudden presence of Snape and Lupin, as they appeared out of nothing to fall sprawled together in a heap on the snow and leaf covered ground. For an agonizing moment the two wizards simply lay there stunned and appalled at having just watched the woman they both loved so much plummet to her death in front of their horrified eyes.
Slowly Lupin dragged himself off Snape and slumped down beside him in a daze. How could she be gone? It wasn't fair, after all they'd gone through, after all she'd suffered…she deserved some peace and happiness, not death.
Lupin turned to look at Snape, but the other wizard simply lay there unmoving on the ground with his eyes tightly shut and every line of his face etched with pain. His dark form was a crumpled bruise against the whiteness of the ground. A cold white mist of breath fluttered slowly in the frigid air near his waxen face, but he gave no other outward sign that he lived. Lupin reached out and touched him tentatively on the shoulder.
"Severus. Are you okay?" He asked hesitantly. Foolish question. How could either of them be okay after they'd failed to protect the one thing in the world that they both most cherished?
Reluctantly Snape forced his eyes to open, slowly sat up, and turned to gaze at Lupin blankly. For a long moment they both simply sat there and stared at each other, amber to black, endless, empty, shattered, then without exchanging a word the two of them climbed painfully to their feet.
Snape felt an intense aching numbness descend on him like a pall. A lethargic stupor seemed to be replacing all intelligible thought but one. Evangeline was gone. She was dead. Once again he'd failed to protect her, and this time she'd paid the ultimate price for loving him. He'd wasted the last opportunity he'd had to be with her, instead of loving her and making her as happy as he could, all he'd done was cause her pain. If they'd still been on the cliff top, he'd have gladly followed her over the edge.
Unstoppable tears filled his eyes, and he fought himself mightily to keep them from spilling over and making tracks down his pale stricken face. Gods…he who never cried seemed to be doing nothing else lately. How pitiful.
"You should've let them kill me, Lupin. There's no point in going on now," he whispered harshly in a cold and empty voice, then he turned away and took a step towards the edge of the forest, with no clear idea of what he was going to do next. Existence stretched on empty and meaningless into the featureless void of the future.
Suddenly a slender figure burst through the dark trees and ran towards them as fast as it could. Two hearts leaped in two chests as both wizards realized that the figure running towards them was Evangeline. How this miracle had occurred was a mystery at the moment, but it was enough for both men that it had occurred and she was here…alive…and safe.
For a brief moment, Lupin entertained the notion that she was running to him with her arms stretched wide, but with a pang of bitter disappointment, he quickly realized his error as she threw herself headlong into her husband's waiting arms.
Severus and Evangeline came together with a desperation that was painful to watch. Their mouths sought each other's to kiss as if they'd invented it, leaving no part of the other untouched in their yearning hungry need. As one they sank to their knees and kissed and caressed and murmured their love for each other over and over with searing intensity. All thoughts for anything other than their safety, their love, their overwhelming need for each other was banished from their minds as they concentrated on finally acknowledging the deep connection of their souls.
Remus Lupin stood apart from the lovers and watched their reunion with bittersweet pain. It felt good to see Evangeline alive and whole, and to see her attain that which she'd longed for so much. Yet it was agonizingly hard to see her held so tightly in the arms of another man, even if that man was the husband she loved with all her heart and soul. Unable to watch any longer, he turned away from the voracious lovers and began to limp his way back to the castle, leaving his heart behind him in pieces on the snowy forest floor.
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As soon as Severus closed the door to his quarters behind the two of them, Evangeline threw her anxious arms around him again and tried to drag his head back down to hers to take up where they'd left off in the Forbidden Forest. But Severus stiffened at her touch and reluctantly pulled back away from her eager grasp then looked down at her sadly.
"I didn't bring you here to make love to you. We need to talk," he stated quietly.
Suddenly fearful, she pleaded, "Severus, you aren't going to try to convince me that you don't love me any more, are you? Because I won't be fooled again. What just went on between us in the forest proves that you still care about me."
His gaunt face took on a tender loving expression as he reached out and stroked her hair gently, rejoicing in the familiar feel of its silky softness as it slipped through his long fingers. "No," he murmured quietly. "I can't pretend that I don't love you, Evangeline…not to you or to myself. When I saw you go over that cliff, it was as if someone had cut out my heart and dashed it on those unforgiving rocks below in the sea. I still can't believe that you're alive. How did you survive that fall?"
She smiled, and pulled a small gold ball from her pocket. "I used Albus' Portkey, of course, although I certainly wasn't going to let on to Malfoy that I had an escape planned. I thought you'd remember that I had it and make your escape when I made mine. Isn't that what happened?"
He stared dazedly at the golden ball in her hand and shook his head. "Not exactly. After our struggle with the Death Eaters on the terrace, Lupin found one of the Portkeys on the ground near where you fell. Apparently, it belonged to one of us, but we assumed it was yours, and that you were without any means of escape. Once you'd jumped, I hit Lucius with a hex that pushed him over the edge of the cliff after you. I'd love to believe his body lies on those rocks at the bottom, but I imagine he disapparated out of there before he hit them. Then I was stunned. I…simply stood there and waited for the remaining Death Eaters to kill me."
He reached out a hand and cupped her face gently, his thumb brushing lightly over her bottom lip, a yearning look on his face. "I thought you gone forever, and I didn't want to live if you were dead."
Horrified at his answer, she gasped and raised a trembling hand to cover the one resting warmly on her cheek, thinking how badly this could've turned out. "Then what happened? How did you end up in the Forbidden Forest?"
Snape sighed and dropped his hand to his side. "Lupin dragged that famous Gryffindor reckless heroism out and knocked me down and used the Portkey he still had in his hand. That saved both of us, although until we saw you alive, I doubt that either one of us felt especially fortunate to have escaped."
She smiled up at him past the lump in her throat and tenderly stroked his cheek. "Oh, Severus, I'm sorry that I frightened you, but it's okay now. We're both safe, and now we can be together again. That's all I want…that's all I've dreamed of for so long."
His expression saddened as he looked down into her hopeful eyes, knowing the disillusionment that he had to bring to her…hating the necessity. "You don't know how much I long for that to be true, but things aren't likely to be the way they were before, Evangeline. A lot has happened to me that you don't know about."
"Then, please, tell me. I'm your wife. I deserve to know the truth," she pleaded earnestly.
In deep anguish he stared at her helplessly, not sure where to begin…how to tell her the truth. She was right, of course, she did deserve to know, but the thought of her seeing the results of the torturer's art made him feel ill. How could she possibly want him any more? What use would she have for a husband who couldn't even make love to her? Suddenly filled with painful doubt and shame he turned away from her and crossed the room to sink down into one of the wingchairs before the fire. He dropped his face into his hands for a moment then raised his head and stared broodingly into the flames with a thoughtful hand pressed to his mouth. Alarmed beyond measure she trailed after him and sat at his feet then she leaned her head against his legs, and waited.
After a long tense silence, he dropped his hand from his mouth but continued to stare into the dancing flames instead of facing his wife when he began to speak in a low sorrowful voice.
"I was wrong when I asked you to marry me, Evangeline. Although I worried that my revealing myself to be a spy would make me a target for revenge and thus put you in more danger, I ignored my fears. Because it was what I wanted to believe, I foolishly allowed myself to think that by being with you all the time I could keep you safe. As if my constant presence in your life would somehow outweigh all the danger that surrounded both of us. It was a stupid selfish notion. Being with me has brought you nothing but heartache. The more I heard about what you'd suffered when you thought me dead, the more I came to realize how wrong I am for you. I once told you that I probably wasn't the best choice for you…you should have listened to me then and never let my attentions bring such pain to your life."
Reluctantly he forced his eyes away from the warm hearth to focus them once more on the face of this woman who meant so much to him as she stared up at him with glittering eyes. "As impossibly hard as it's been to face, I truly believe that you'd be better off with Lupin. He loves you, and he wouldn't hurt you the way I have…over and over again."
Her heart lurched and began to pound hard in her chest as she listened to the anguish in her husband's voice as he told her that she should abandon him for another man. Anxious to disabuse him of that notion, she cried, "No! None of the pain I've suffered has been your fault. You've suffered every bit as much as I have…probably much more. Besides…that's the wrong way to look at our lives together. For every unhappy moment I've ever had, I've had a thousand happy ones because of you. Every moment I've ever spent with you is a precious gift. Being your lover, your friend, your wife has brought me more happiness than I ever thought it would be possible to experience. You're the only man I want in my life. The only one who can ever truly make me happy."
"I can't be with Remus any more…and I won't be. I don't love him. Pretending anything else would only hurt him, and I've caused him enough pain. I refuse to cause him any more. In your absence I foolishly thought that by reaching out to someone else I could fill some of the empty spaces in my heart…but I know better now. No matter how lonely I was, I should have known that no one but you could ever fill those spaces. For good or ill, I know that I'll only be able to love you for the rest of my life."
He smiled sadly down at her serious face and reached out to caress her cheek softly, "When I was held captive I decided that the only way I was going to get through the experience without giving in to their demands for information was to forget all that I knew…all that I was. I gave myself amnesia. I'm not sure just how I managed it, but when you're desperate, your mind can do amazing things. For most of the time I was gone, I remembered nothing of my life outside that cell with…with one exception. I kept the image of your face in my mind throughout my ordeal. Whenever I'd think it might be better to just give up and die, I'd focus my thoughts on your beautiful face and remind myself that there was something beyond the ugliness of my existence that was worth remembering…perhaps worth going on for. I didn't know who you were or what you'd meant to me, but I knew you were important. You were my Angel of hope…and my focus for survival."
"Oh, Severus…" she whispered sadly.
He sighed and glanced up at the ceiling. "You were the key to my determination to survive, and once I escaped from that cell, you were the impetus for my struggle to remember. Fate is an odd thing. It was pure chance that I ended up in the same corner of the world as you. If I hadn't, I'd probably still be lost in the emptiness of my mind."
"What do you mean?"
He brought his eyes back to focus on hers, "I remembered who I am because of you. I was working as a handyman for Mrs. Trevalleyn when you visited her. When I saw you from my window, your face triggered the unlocking of my memories. If I hadn't seen you, I might never have remembered…or at least not for a long time."
Understanding came sharply. "Steven. You were Mrs. Trevalleyn's mysterious Steven. She wanted to introduce me, but she couldn't find you."
He nodded, "No, I'd torn my shirt in the barn and was changing when I saw you get in a truck and drive away. I tried to catch you, but the memories coming back in a rush stopped me. I wasn't really able to remember clearly until I'd had a night's sleep to sort everything out. Then when I awakened the next morning my only thought was to find you…to be with you again. Nothing else mattered."
Guilt flashed hot and strong across her features and burrowed into her heart. She bowed her head in shame and looked away from his serious face. "And when you found me…you discovered that I'd betrayed you. You found that I wasn't worth the effort after all. Oh, Severus, I'm so sorry…"
He caressed her hair gently as she lay a sorrowful cheek against his knee. "No. Don't apologize. You were right to go on with your life. As far as you knew, I was dead and gone forever. You deserved to be happy. I'll always want you to be happy, Evangeline. That's why I think you'd be better off to remain with Lupin. I'm not good for you. I'll only cause you more grief and pain."
His continued insistence on this unwelcome notion brought her head up sharply and an automatic protest flew to her lips. "No! Don't say that. You're wrong. I love you. I can't be happy without you. I tried…when I thought you dead…but a huge part of my heart died when I thought you did. I need you in my life in order to feel complete. You aren't going to push me away any more. I won't let you. You're stuck with me. You might as well accept it."
The dark wizard smiled sadly down at her. "Don't be too sure of that. There's more that you don't know. You may yet turn away from me, my angel, and I wouldn't blame you if you did."
A shiver ran through her as she stared into his serious pain filled eyes. "Please tell me what you're so afraid of. I promise…I won't turn away," she whispered reassuringly. Her emerald eyes held his onyx ones in silent thrall as she tried to communicate her love and need to him without words getting in the way.
Severus took a ragged breath and wrenched his gaze away from hers and turned back to the flickering flames as he continued in a low voice.
"I was held in one of the Dark Lord's prisons, and was favored by the attentions of one of his more sadistic torturers. Blood and pain were my constant companions…indeed my life narrowed to the point where it consisted of little else. I was physically tortured on an almost daily basis, for most of the time I was away from you. Torture of that magnitude leaves rather severe…scars…"
His voice trailed off and he swallowed hard, not knowing how to continue.
Evangeline's face drained of all its color as she confronted the reality of what her husband had suffered while they'd been apart. What he'd endured had been something that she'd been trying to avoid thinking too much about. The painful images she'd imagined came to her from the depths of hell and she'd prayed that the reality wasn't anywhere near as horrible, but now she realized that her fears and thoughts and worst nightmares might end up being closer to the truth than she ever wanted to believe. "Are you telling me that they did something to you that'll prevent you from making love to me again, Severus? Has that been what all this reluctance has really been about?" She whispered as she embraced his legs tightly and laid her chin on his knees so she could look up into his ashen face.
With a heavy sigh, he forced himself to meet her compassionate questioning eyes once more. "Obviously, I haven't actually made love to anyone since the last time we were together, but I…I can't…"
He had to look away from the pain and worry in her gaze. How could he tell her that she was no longer married to a man? That the Dark Lord's cruelty had left him nothing but an empty broken ugly shell, which no longer retained the ability to function as she deserved to have her husband function.
Evangeline's eyes filled to overflowing once more and she reached out a hand to gently stroke his thigh and to try to catch his eye again. "Please, tell me, Severus…please," she pleaded in a trembling whisper.
His burning eyes locked once more with hers and in a low halting voice he forced himself to continue…to say the words he'd only thought about before in painful shame. "The ugly truth is that, no…I cannot make love to you anymore. It's possible that I'll never be capable of making love to you again. There is now more of my body that's nothing but scar tissue than there is of unmarked flesh. Just about all of me that's currently hidden from your view is severely scarred. I haven't wanted you to see me like this, I admit. I wasn't sure that I could face your reaction. I didn't want to take the chance that you'd be so horrified at the mere sight of me that you'd turn away from me forever. I suppose it's childish, but my inclination has been to reject you before you learned the truth and rejected me instead."
Seeing the sadness in his face, hearing its echo in his voice hurt her deeply. "Oh, Severus, how could you think me so shallow? I didn't marry you because you were a good lover. The physical side of our relationship has always been wonderful, and I've enjoyed it more than I can say, but I married you because I love you. The person you are. Even if you can never do more than put your arms around me and hold me tight, I'd still rather be your wife than that of anyone else I've ever known. I love you. I want to be with you…no matter what. Please, believe me."
He smiled sadly down at her. "I truly want to, but you don't know yet what you're facing. What you'd be stuck with for a husband. It wouldn't be fair to you. You deserve so much better."
"It's up to me to decide what I deserve, not you." She stated matter of factly, willing him to believe her, willing him to understand. "You're the only thing I care about…you. I'll always love you…want you...only you, no matter what. How many times must I say it? Why can't you believe that?" A touch of asperity crept into her tone.
Doubt shown out of his eyes as she looked at him; he still wasn't convinced. "I believe that you believe it. I know you're sincere in your desire to be together. It's just that…this isn't simply a small injury easily remedied with a potion or a spell. Our lives together would be so different than before. You may think you'd still want to be my wife, but you don't yet truly understand how completely this could change things."
"You're right. I don't know, but nothing is going to change the way I feel about you. Nothing." Resolutely she got up onto her knees and leaned against his legs then with slightly trembling fingers she reached across his lap and began to unbutton his robes. Automatically he grabbed her hands in his to stop her, but she stared at him seriously. "No, Severus. You've got to let me see."
They stared into each other's eyes for long moments. Communicating in a wealth of silence. Finally he looked away and reluctantly nodded. She was right. There was no other choice. Against his will he released her hands and assisted her in divesting him of his robe and jacket. Then he slowly unfastened his shirt, his fingers moving stiffly from button to button, and when he was done he forced himself to remove his hands and let her gently part the fabric to run her fingers delicately over the horrid ruin of his chest. He closed his eyes as her touch brought a tingling ache to his skin where she gently caressed him. He'd so longed for the warm touch of her hands on his flesh again, the feeling of her body against his, but it wasn't the same anymore…with this extensive amount of damage, it could never be the same…not ever again.
It took all of Evangeline's self-control not to cry out when she saw the hideous marks that twined and twisted their way across her husband's abused flesh. The thought of anyone doing this to him, causing him such pain, made her heart ache. Once more she was flooded with guilt at the fact that while she was going on with her life, he'd been suffering so horribly. Her eyes overflowed with her pain and fresh tears from her bottomless reservoir began to course slowly down her cheeks. "Oh, Severus, I'm so sorry…." she whispered brokenly.
Abruptly, she couldn't stand it a moment longer, without another word, she began to button his shirt back up as fast as her shocked fingers could fly. The abruptness of her action caused an intense stab of fear to course through his body. He'd been right. His injuries did sicken her. How could it be otherwise, after all? He couldn't really blame her for rejecting him, he'd expected it, but it still hurt all the same.
But rejection wasn't at all what Evangeline had in mind. Once she'd buttoned up his shirt completely, she got to her feet and took his hand gently in hers. "Come on, Severus. You need to come with me."
He shook his head in confusion as he looked up into her determined face. "Come where, Evangeline?"
"To the infirmary, of course. We need to get you seen by Poppy, right away. There may be something she can do for you, but I'll bet you haven't been to see her have you?"
He pulled back instinctively and slid his eyes away from hers. "No."
She nodded in disgust. "I didn't think so. Your initials could as easily stand for Suffer in Silence as Severus Snape. Well, suffering silently does no one any good, and I'm not going to accept that this is permanent until I'm told it is by someone who'd know. Whether this can be repaired or not, I'm not going to abandon you. I'm your wife for better or worse, as the Muggles say, and if you'll let me, I'll be with you every step of the way, but that doesn't mean I'm going to give up without trying to find help. We need to see Poppy. Are you willing to come with me or do I have to go talk to her alone? But I assure you, one way or the other I'm going to get her opinion."
His eyebrows drew together in an exasperated frown, "Evangeline, did you take a good look at my chest? There's nothing there but scar tissue! That's been my reality for the last year of my life. Magic can't cure everything. I'm a Potions Master. I've been creating healing potions since my student days. I know their uses…and their limitations. Scars can be manipulated when they're new, but as they age, it becomes a different story. There's nothing Poppy is going to be able to do about this. I assure you."
"You don't know that! You may be a Potions Master and a damn good one, but you aren't a Healer. No matter how much you know about healing potions, they aren't the only methods at the disposal of the Healing community. If your potions were the only thing that were ever needed to fix the injuries that occur around here then Albus would have had no reason to employ Madam Pomfrey. Frankly I'm pretty sure that his reasoning was sound. I choose to believe that her expertise in this area just might be greater than yours is. Personally I have a lot of faith in her ability. No, she can't do everything, but she can do more than you're crediting her with. Let her try, Severus. You…we…might be surprised at what she can do to help. If you don't try, nothing will improve. So how are you better off if you don't ask?"
He lifted his eyes again to hers to continue to protest, but fell silent in the face of her resolute expression and determined logic. Perhaps he had been foolish…perhaps Poppy could help. He'd been so afraid to find out that there wasn't anything to be done that he'd never dared ask, but if Evangeline was going to be strong enough to stand at his side no matter what, didn't he owe it to her to make every effort possible to find out the truth? Even if it merely turned out to be a confirmation of his worst fears, if they could face it side by side, perhaps it would be all right after all. Somehow they'd get through it…together. That thought alone lit a small flame of hope within him.
"Very well. We'll go to see Poppy," he stated softly not wanting to further challenge the fierce determination he found in her eyes. Without another word, he got up from his chair and allowed her to pull him out of the room and up the dim corridor heading for the hospital wing.
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Author's Notes: Thank you all for reading and for your enthusiastic support. It's greatly appreciated. :)
Dark-angel 2003: Don't worry, Angela, I'm not quite as cruel as everyone thinks. As you can see, Evangeline's fine and is finally back where she belongs…in Severus' arms. You're welcome for the help. I'll look forward to seeing what you come up with.
Arsinoe3: It would indeed be fascinating to be able to explore inside the paintings. I've wanted to do just that ever since I first read about them.
Prophet Dreams: You haven't lost her yet. Thank you.
Werecat99: Glad you're back online. Yes, my most realistic cliffhanger yet, I'd say. LOL Just for you…Lucius is back…grab him while you can. Evangeline certainly doesn't want him. I'm pleased that you found his release to be believable.
Elaine Lahey: You're absolutely right…as you can see. :) Jumping from the cliff top doesn't necessarily mean hitting the rocks in the magical world. Thank you for the kind words about my writing. I don't intend to stop writing stories, but I think I'll probably give Severus and Evangeline a rest. I have thoughts about where their lives go from here, but no real plot to hang a story on at the moment. I'm impressed that you'd take the time to re-read the first two stories. Not many people would, I think. That's a lot of story. Thank you.
Dark Jezebel: I am…aren't I. I might as well accept it I suppose. :)
Snapefan51: Thank you. Yes, Remus is the true hero here. Too bad he's not rewarded better, but he's had hold of the short end of the stick for quite awhile now, and he knows it. I'm glad the story holds your interest so well. I always appreciate getting your comments.
Rickfan37: Yes, you guessed it! The Portkey bubble on the terrace wasn't Evangeline's at all. Time to go tie up some loose ends.
Arachne's Child: Sorry to shock you, but yes, I'm afraid you were wrong here. On the plus side…everyone's okay. :) I can't think of anything more heartbreaking than having Severus and Remus having to drag Evangeline's battered body out of the ocean. That would've done both of them in.
Whale of the World: Yes, indeed, sometimes you need a horrible moment to wake people up to what's really important in their lives.
Sage and Snape: Yes…tricks up my sleeve…definitely. :)
Gracelynn: Yes, my cliffhanger. What did you think of her survival?
Elbereth94: Well, yes, that would be one way to resolve things, but it's not my way.
Zagzagael: Thank you. Yes, Snape finally reached the end of his rope.
Lisa Beattie: Thank you.
Sonja: Thank you. Don't be too sure that Lucius is dead. He has more lives than a cat.
Persephone: I do always wonder when people comment a lot and then suddenly vanish. I'm glad you're still reading. I like the idea of a miniature portrait as an escape device. It's very clever; I wish I'd thought of it. :) Instead I used misdirection. No funeral…but a reunion instead and a sorting out and a picking up of the threads of a tattered life together. Eleanor doesn't show up until the end of this little story. Patience…we aren't quite there yet.
Echo: Thank you. I'm glad you've enjoyed the story.
Jasara: Thank you. You're right. If one Snape can cheat death, why can't another? :)
Emelie: Thank you. Don't worry. I'll tell you how it ends.
Bookwitch: No, at first Severus wasn't too pleased to have been saved, but he changed his mind. I wonder how Lupin feels about it now? :)