Home Tonight
By koaladeb
Summary: "If we want to be effective, we have to survive too."
Disclaimer: I asked Santa, but until I find Horatio and Calleigh gift- wrapped and under my tree, I'm going to operate under the assumption that they're still not mine.
Rating: PG
Pairing: Horatio/Calleigh
Spoilers: I wrote this with all of season 2 (thus far) in mind, but it's a post-ep for "Extreme." There is also a mention of "Bait"
A/N: I thought I'd never write a song fic, but by now I should know better. that particular word is now being deleted from my vocabulary. The song is "Home Tonight" from the album 'Smell the Color Nine' by Chris Rice; the end quote is from 'Four Quartets' by T.S. Eliot.
Dedication: To the Monday night chat group, in all their lunacy and glory. And to Marianne, fellow Chris Rice fan, beta reader, sounding board, and most importantly, friend.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've come to my senses
How did I get so far from home
The lies dissipating
Revealing I'm so alone
And I remember now how strong love can be
And I wonder how did I ever leave
***
The thought had occurred to him before, but Horatio had always managed to push it to the back of his mind and heart. It was not until after he had sent Eric home that he finally was able to truly examine the state of his own life.
Eric had talked about coping, and he had answered with, "If we want to be effective, we have to survive too."
Only now, minutes later, did Horatio realize what it was he had just told the younger man. Survival. was that all there was left for him?
He had pushed her away. He knew what it was he had been doing, to himself as well as to her, and yet he did it anyway. He had allowed the doubts to creep in and allowed himself to be convinced that it would be better to pull away, to back off "before anything happens."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Burn your fire on the altar
Leave a candle on the porch
I'm still too far away to see it
But I'm aching for its warmth
And I'm so tired and cold and dark and lonesome
But still I hear your song inside
So sing it louder if you want me home tonight
***
It was all too simple, really. All he had to do was work with her a little less, limit their time together, make sure not to touch her-their strange, bewitching connection would do the rest of the work for him. It had been the coward's way out to use their bond in such a way, letting Calleigh do all the work in comprehending his silent message rather than saying the words himself. Cowardly yes, but also effective. She had read him loud and clear, and the rest was now history.
He convinced himself it was an act of self preservation, or even a preemptive strike against the inevitable. He could never be everything she needed, and the pain would crush him when she realized that fact and walked out.
But all those reasons were bitter in his mouth, just like the acidic coffee he had forced down his throat weeks ago, sitting in a bar next to Frank Tripp, silently commiserating with the broken-hearted man.
Somehow, all the logical reasons he had compiled for why this was best for both of them rang hollow now. They had never restored the deficit of her presence, never filled the hole gouged out of is heart by his selfish decision, and they have still never managed to erase the burning in his soul every time he has looked into her eyes lately.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This isn't the first time
I've wandered away from home before
You'd have every reason
To slam and dead-bolt the door
But I remember now how strong your love can be
And I wonder how you might welcome me
***
Horatio's heart twisted as his mind played the scene in excruciating detail once again. He could hear her sharp intake of air, knew exactly how far the tears rose in her startled and broken eyes before she turned her head away, felt in his fingertips the slight tremor beginning to make its way through her body before she pulled away.
All he had done was touch her-one brief, simple contact, hand on waist, and they were both undone. There was too much between them-too much chemistry, too much history, and now too much pain.
With the memory came a familiar ache, a deep need that stretched through his body, heart, and soul that cried out for completion. He had ignored that call for so long-denying his need, numbing the pain, seeking distractions, searching for refuge in work.
It never worked, though. There was not substitute for her, for the warmth of her personality or presence, for the smile that enlivened his senses, the odd comment that would cause his heart to beat double.
And for the first time, he admitted to himself he wanted it back. All of it-the uncertainty, the tug-of-war between desire and obligation, even the risk of rejection, if it meant for one moment he could have hope again that they could find a way.
Could he approach her? Apologize? Explain? He had redefined them without warning or explanation, yanking his heart away from her and ripping hers out in the process. did he honestly believe she would give him the opportunity for a repeat performance? Would she trust him enough to give him a second chance?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Into your arms, to my back yard
Where I used to play
How I miss the days...
***
He sighed, remembering better days, when heady dreams of a future with her were close enough to touch. Back then, before he had single-handedly destroyed what they had, there was never a question of possibility. It was inevitable. not "if" but "when" - when it would happen, when they decided the rewards outweighed the risks, when the alternative of staying apart was no longer acceptable.
He wanted that sense of assurance back, of sweet promise that was only waiting for the right moment. He couldn't bear the thought that she might be lost to him forever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So burn your fire on the altar
Leave a candle on the porch
I'm still too far away to see it
But I'm aching for its warmth
And I'm so tired and cold and dark and lonesome
But still I hear your song inside
So sing it louder if you want me home tonight
***
It all came down to that one question: was surviving enough? Going through the motions of life without tasting any of its joys and sorrows? Could he find a way to keep going, allowing his heart to become a black hole where light was darkened and crushed along with everything else?
Or could he find a way to do more-to actually life instead of merely surviving it? In order to do that, he needed Calleigh. Needed her warmth, her trust, her love. She was the only thing that made the rest of it worthwhile.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sing it loud now, 'cause I'm comin' home tonight
***
Well, all he had was hope and a chance-if he was willing to take it. He knew he was risking a lot. had a lot to make up for, a lot to overcome, but what was the bigger risk- not having Calleigh or not knowing if he could have fixed things between them but didn't? What is better to have- a broken heart or a lost soul?
The decision wasn't that hard after all.
We shall not cease from exploration,
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
Summary: "If we want to be effective, we have to survive too."
Disclaimer: I asked Santa, but until I find Horatio and Calleigh gift- wrapped and under my tree, I'm going to operate under the assumption that they're still not mine.
Rating: PG
Pairing: Horatio/Calleigh
Spoilers: I wrote this with all of season 2 (thus far) in mind, but it's a post-ep for "Extreme." There is also a mention of "Bait"
A/N: I thought I'd never write a song fic, but by now I should know better. that particular word is now being deleted from my vocabulary. The song is "Home Tonight" from the album 'Smell the Color Nine' by Chris Rice; the end quote is from 'Four Quartets' by T.S. Eliot.
Dedication: To the Monday night chat group, in all their lunacy and glory. And to Marianne, fellow Chris Rice fan, beta reader, sounding board, and most importantly, friend.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've come to my senses
How did I get so far from home
The lies dissipating
Revealing I'm so alone
And I remember now how strong love can be
And I wonder how did I ever leave
***
The thought had occurred to him before, but Horatio had always managed to push it to the back of his mind and heart. It was not until after he had sent Eric home that he finally was able to truly examine the state of his own life.
Eric had talked about coping, and he had answered with, "If we want to be effective, we have to survive too."
Only now, minutes later, did Horatio realize what it was he had just told the younger man. Survival. was that all there was left for him?
He had pushed her away. He knew what it was he had been doing, to himself as well as to her, and yet he did it anyway. He had allowed the doubts to creep in and allowed himself to be convinced that it would be better to pull away, to back off "before anything happens."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Burn your fire on the altar
Leave a candle on the porch
I'm still too far away to see it
But I'm aching for its warmth
And I'm so tired and cold and dark and lonesome
But still I hear your song inside
So sing it louder if you want me home tonight
***
It was all too simple, really. All he had to do was work with her a little less, limit their time together, make sure not to touch her-their strange, bewitching connection would do the rest of the work for him. It had been the coward's way out to use their bond in such a way, letting Calleigh do all the work in comprehending his silent message rather than saying the words himself. Cowardly yes, but also effective. She had read him loud and clear, and the rest was now history.
He convinced himself it was an act of self preservation, or even a preemptive strike against the inevitable. He could never be everything she needed, and the pain would crush him when she realized that fact and walked out.
But all those reasons were bitter in his mouth, just like the acidic coffee he had forced down his throat weeks ago, sitting in a bar next to Frank Tripp, silently commiserating with the broken-hearted man.
Somehow, all the logical reasons he had compiled for why this was best for both of them rang hollow now. They had never restored the deficit of her presence, never filled the hole gouged out of is heart by his selfish decision, and they have still never managed to erase the burning in his soul every time he has looked into her eyes lately.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This isn't the first time
I've wandered away from home before
You'd have every reason
To slam and dead-bolt the door
But I remember now how strong your love can be
And I wonder how you might welcome me
***
Horatio's heart twisted as his mind played the scene in excruciating detail once again. He could hear her sharp intake of air, knew exactly how far the tears rose in her startled and broken eyes before she turned her head away, felt in his fingertips the slight tremor beginning to make its way through her body before she pulled away.
All he had done was touch her-one brief, simple contact, hand on waist, and they were both undone. There was too much between them-too much chemistry, too much history, and now too much pain.
With the memory came a familiar ache, a deep need that stretched through his body, heart, and soul that cried out for completion. He had ignored that call for so long-denying his need, numbing the pain, seeking distractions, searching for refuge in work.
It never worked, though. There was not substitute for her, for the warmth of her personality or presence, for the smile that enlivened his senses, the odd comment that would cause his heart to beat double.
And for the first time, he admitted to himself he wanted it back. All of it-the uncertainty, the tug-of-war between desire and obligation, even the risk of rejection, if it meant for one moment he could have hope again that they could find a way.
Could he approach her? Apologize? Explain? He had redefined them without warning or explanation, yanking his heart away from her and ripping hers out in the process. did he honestly believe she would give him the opportunity for a repeat performance? Would she trust him enough to give him a second chance?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Into your arms, to my back yard
Where I used to play
How I miss the days...
***
He sighed, remembering better days, when heady dreams of a future with her were close enough to touch. Back then, before he had single-handedly destroyed what they had, there was never a question of possibility. It was inevitable. not "if" but "when" - when it would happen, when they decided the rewards outweighed the risks, when the alternative of staying apart was no longer acceptable.
He wanted that sense of assurance back, of sweet promise that was only waiting for the right moment. He couldn't bear the thought that she might be lost to him forever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So burn your fire on the altar
Leave a candle on the porch
I'm still too far away to see it
But I'm aching for its warmth
And I'm so tired and cold and dark and lonesome
But still I hear your song inside
So sing it louder if you want me home tonight
***
It all came down to that one question: was surviving enough? Going through the motions of life without tasting any of its joys and sorrows? Could he find a way to keep going, allowing his heart to become a black hole where light was darkened and crushed along with everything else?
Or could he find a way to do more-to actually life instead of merely surviving it? In order to do that, he needed Calleigh. Needed her warmth, her trust, her love. She was the only thing that made the rest of it worthwhile.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sing it loud now, 'cause I'm comin' home tonight
***
Well, all he had was hope and a chance-if he was willing to take it. He knew he was risking a lot. had a lot to make up for, a lot to overcome, but what was the bigger risk- not having Calleigh or not knowing if he could have fixed things between them but didn't? What is better to have- a broken heart or a lost soul?
The decision wasn't that hard after all.
We shall not cease from exploration,
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.