Chapter Twenty-Nine: Confronting Old Wounds

As Evangeline and Severus climbed through the castle, Severus found himself slowing his steps.  Now that a decision to seek Madam Pomfrey's advice had been made, he wasn't going to back out of it, but at the same time he could feel his pulse beginning to race and uncomfortable feelings taking root in his stomach.  Was he simply reluctant to face the truth because he knew in his heart that it would be bad news?  Or was there more to it? 

Thoughtfully he turned his gaze on the woman at his side who held his hand tightly in hers and moved forward with such a determined look on her face.  If he was right, and nothing could be done, he was going to have to watch as the shadow of disappointment settled into her eyes, clouding their brilliance, as hope was lost.  How will he live with the fact that his physical infirmities will bring her sorrow every day…and night…of their life together?  She'll be brave and determined at first, but time will work a hideous magic of its own.  If the answer isn't held within the magical medical community will she really be able to accept the fact that she's married to a man who can't ever satisfy her needs?  Worse yet…to a man who still felt all the same yearnings he ever did, but could no longer act on them?  Could he stand to live with such temptation as she would provide every day of their lives together without becoming a bitter angry hateful husband?

How would it feel to live with her every day…sleep with her every night…hold her body in his arms and yet not be able to satisfy the deep yearnings that they'd both be feeling?  Could he do it?  No.  It would drive him insane.  It would make him impossible to live with.  He knew himself well enough to know that he'd begin to take his frustrations out on everyone around him…even her…especially her.  It would doom their marriage as surely as death ever could.

When this new thought hit, he came to an abrupt halt in the middle of the hallway just below the staircase that led up to the hospital wing.  Evangeline turned to him with a questioning look as he stopped moving.  A horrified expression bloomed on his suddenly ashen face and he shook his head and attempted speech.  "Evangeline…I…what if…I mean…"

With a smile of compassion and love, she took his face into her hands, and stared deeply into his eyes.  "Severus.  We have to know the truth.  It'll be all right.  No matter the outcome.  I'll be with you always.  Please don't worry."

Always…but would that be a good thing for either of them if this didn't work out?  Not wanting to admit his thoughts to her, he nodded stiffly.  As he nodded, she slipped her arms around his neck and slid in closer to his body.  His arms immediately…automatically…lovingly came up around her as she pressed her lips to his in reassurance of her love for him.  He responded to her kiss with passion and tried to ignore the deep ache it inspired in his groin. 

Oh please…if there's any fairness and compassion left in the world…don't let her have to suffer any more.  For surely as the sun will dawn in tomorrow's sky, if he had to remain in his current condition, he'd end up treating her badly once again out of frustration and pain, and she didn't deserve to have that happen.

When the two of them entered the infirmary, Poppy quickly bustled over to confront them with a no-nonsense scowl on her face.  "Well, it's about time you two showed up!  Remus Lupin has come and gone some time ago.  Before he headed off to report to Dumbledore, he told me that both of you had been injured as well.  What's taken you so long to get yourselves up here?  You can kiss and make up later, after all, once I've made sure that neither of you suffered any permanent damage from those horrid creatures who attacked you."

Evangeline looked seriously at Poppy.  "The damage done by the Death Eaters was minimal, Poppy, but there's something else we need your help with."

Poppy opened her mouth automatically to tell them not to be making medical decisions on their own, when something in their pale strained faces stopped her.  Instead she found herself nodding slowly and simply said, "All right, come with me."

She led them to the slightly more private back corner of the empty room and looked at them with serious eyes.  "Which one of you is the patient?"  She asked calmly.

Evangeline looked at Severus who swallowed with difficulty and responded in a low somewhat hesitant voice.  "I am, it appears."

Poppy nodded and gestured for him to take a seat on one of the beds.  The reluctant wizard sat down with the air of someone facing his own execution.  "I'd feel better about this if you'd draw the privacy drape, Poppy," he continued in the same quiet tone.  The very last thing he wanted was someone walking in at an inopportune moment.  It was bad enough that Evangeline and Poppy would have to see what was hidden under his clothing.  It would be simply intolerable to suddenly be faced with an even wider audience.  Perhaps that prat Potter might stub his toe or something, and then where would he be?  An object of ridicule and derision throughout the school in a matter of hours, that's where.

Evangeline moved swiftly away to draw the curtain around them and returned to his side once she'd finished while Severus slowly began to unbutton his shirt.  Once he'd completed the task, he opened it and stared stonily at Poppy, waiting for her horrified gasp.

Although no gasp was forthcoming, her mouth did drop open in stunned surprise, and she stared at him silently with a shocked expression on her face.  Without a word she reached over and removed the shirt from his body completely.  Then she ran her fingers delicately over the entwining lumps and ridges of discolored scar tissue trying to ascertain their cause.  In a slightly shaky and rather perturbed voice she said, "Damn it, Severus.  Why didn't you come to see me when you arrived here two days ago?  This was obviously done to you while you were that creature's prisoner."

Snape's answer was low pitched and little above a whisper.  "Much of this is very old now, Poppy.  I didn't believe there could be anything you could possibly do to help me after all this time.  I know that scars are easier to manipulate when they're new, and frankly, I wasn't eager for anyone to see what had happened to me…not even you."

She nodded in understanding.  "Well, you might be surprised at what I can do.  These scars have different origins, though, don't they?  What caused them?"

Wincing in remembered pain, he closed his eyes as the hateful details of the scars' creation flitted tauntingly through his mind while Poppy bent nearer to examine him more closely.  Once again he momentarily regretted the fact that when his memory had returned to him, the agonizing memories of all he'd experienced in the past year had flooded in along with everything else.   He forced himself to speak quietly in a matter of fact tone that hid the wealth of pain that was seared into his thoughts.  "Some are burns, both magical and chemical…some were inflicted by a lash, both unadorned and one with several nasty metal tips, but most of them were done with a very sharp knife."

"A lot of them were badly infected at one time or another weren't they?  That tends to make the resultant scarring worse.  In fact, if I'm not mistaken, a few of these are still infected underneath the skin.  Does it hurt when I apply pressure here, Severus?"  Poppy glanced up at her patient while pushing gently on a spot on his back that was redder and a touch more swollen than most of the badly discolored skin surrounding it.

Snape flinched slightly and nodded, "Yes.  It is a bit more tender there.  Infection is to be expected, I suppose.  Prompt medical attention isn't usually a hallmark of a stay in the Dark Lord's prison cells.  Adequate sanitary conditions aren't exactly a priority either."

With a snort of agreement and a shake of her head, Poppy pulled out her wand and began a series of probing medical scans while Snape sat there quietly and held Evangeline's hand tightly in his own.  Not quite daring to hope just yet.

After an initial examination, Poppy had Snape remove the rest of his clothing and lie down and then she examined every inch of him in detail once again.  As Severus undressed and exposed all of his horrid wounds for view, Evangeline's heart ached even more with each passing moment, and she tried not to show on her face just how much it distressed her to see the full extent of her husband's injuries.  The brutality of what had been done to him shocked her.  The suffering he went through was almost beyond her capacity to truly comprehend.  How could anyone inflict such abuse on a fellow human being?   Voldemort and his creatures were even more perverted and inhuman than she'd thought.  As he lay there and allowed his disfigured body to be inspected in this impersonal yet necessary way she instinctively tightened her grip on his hand and stroked it gently in reassurance as he squeezed back in gratitude for her support.

Poppy took her time with her examination not wanting to overlook anything and to be sure that she had an accurate picture of what it would be necessary to do in order to treat Severus' injuries. The whole process took quite awhile, but once she was done, she faced the two of them immediately with her preliminary results.  "Well, I can't guarantee that I can get rid of all these scars for you, but most of them should be treatable," she said with a heartening smile.

Hope flared at her encouraging words, and flashed even brighter as she continued, touching on the subject that they'd both been more concerned about than either of them wanted to admit.

"As far as I can determine there's no permanent damage that should prevent you from functioning sexually, Severus.  I imagine, judging from some of the scar tissue, that you've been concerned about that, and it would probably be rather difficult and very painful at the moment, though perhaps not impossible, it's hard to say.  It would depend on how determined you were and how high your pain threshold was, and I know from experience that yours is pretty high.  I can't imagine there'd be much enjoyment in it, though."  Both Evangeline and Severus blushed and squirmed slightly at her words, although the thoughtfully absorbed mediwitch appeared not to notice as she continued.

"However, I shouldn't have any trouble at all removing the constricting scar tissue that might've interfered there.  One treatment should put that to right, pretty easily.  Then everything should function as well as it did before, although there might be some residual soreness for a short time.  You should even be capable of fathering another child should the two of you decide to try again to have a family.   There appears to be no underlying damage at all there.  However, it will take a little time to remove some of the other scars.  Several treatments will be necessary to repair all the damage that can be repaired and treat the underlying infections, and yes, there is more than one spot that's still infected.   On the positive side, I anticipate that at least 90% of the scars will yield to treatment.  Once we get started, I'll be able to judge more accurately.  Would you like to begin now?  The sooner the better, it seems to me."

Snape nodded at her, a little dazed at hearing that what he'd thought was a permanent disfigurement might not be that at all.  "What exactly would this treatment involve, Poppy?"

"Well, it's a process of medical transfiguration that I've been working on with Minerva.  Through the use of several ointments and potions that are activated by transfiguration spells, I'll be transfiguring the damaged tissue back into its unmarked state.  It's worked quite well on a small scale.  You'll be the first large scale guinea pig I've had, though.  It's not a perfect process, Severus.  I won't lie to you.  The burns, for instance, may be rather stubborn and may not yield perfect results.  I think it has something to do with the chemical changes that occur in the skin when it's burned.  However, it should still be a big improvement over what you have now.  Do you want to try it?"

The overwhelming relief that the tense couple felt at Poppy's words left them both feeling weak in the knees.  Severus turned to Evangeline with a glimmer of hope in his eyes, and she smiled in relief and bent and kissed him gently.   When she pulled back from him, he turned back to Poppy feeling less burdened than he had for a very long time.  "By all means, Poppy, let's begin right away."

Poppy nodded and smiled at the two of them.  "Good.  You'll have to stay the night, Severus.  Now the initial stages of the treatment are rather uncomfortable.  I'd imagine that they could be down right painful on the scale we'll be dealing with in your case."

Snape snorted shortly and spoke in a slightly acerbic tone of voice.  "Uncomfortable, you say?  Really, Poppy, do you think acquiring these charming little adornments in the first place was a pleasant and comfortable experience?  A little pain is not going to discourage me, I assure you."

Poppy nodded and patted Snape on the shoulder reassuringly, "All right, Severus.  You just stay put and I'll nip into the back and get the potions I'll need, and we can begin."

With a comforting smile for both of them, she turned around to go and get some things from her office.

Severus turned once more to Evangeline and found her smiling happily down at him.  She stepped up closer to him so she could feel the warmth from his skin as she slid her arms around his shoulders and leaned down and kissed him gently.  He brought his arms up around her and held her close while he deepened the kiss, softly, lovingly.  Feeling true hope for their future together for the first time in days.  His fears melted like wax in the sunshine of hope.  He had his wife back at last, and with luck, he might get his life back as well.  It was so much more than he ever expected. As they parted he smiled into her sparkling eyes.  "Thank you, Evangeline, for not giving up on me."

"Oh, Severus.  How could I ever give up on you?  My life is so empty without you in it.  I love you.  Things will work out for us this time.  You'll see.  The worst is over." 

"I truly hope so."

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It was fairly late when Evangeline finally left the infirmary for the night.  Poppy had insisted on putting Severus to sleep while she treated his scars.  The whole process was quite time consuming involving the use of many potions and creams and the spells that activated them.  Evangeline suspected that Poppy was right, and it would be a rather painful and tedious ordeal, and was glad that Severus would sleep through most of it.  It had been bad enough that he'd had to suffer through the creation of all those scars; it would have been heart breaking for her to have to watch him suffer through their removal as well.  After one treatment she could already see more improvement than she expected and was now very encouraged.  Perhaps they'd be able to get their lives back, after all.  At least most of their lives, her throat tightened incrementally at that painful thought, for nothing could ever replace that part of themselves that now lay in the small grave behind the castle.

Once Poppy had a free moment from treating Severus, she'd treated Evangeline's minor injuries as well and insisted that she go home and get some rest.  

Poppy smiled at the younger witch as she finished healing up the wound on her forearm.  "You should go get some rest now, Evangeline.  Severus will be fine.  He'll sleep through the night easily.  There's nothing you can do for him at the moment.  I've got one more series of treatments to perform tonight, and then I certainly intend to get some sleep myself. So there's no sense in your staying.  Come back in the morning and you can take him with you then."

Evangeline smiled at her gratefully.  "Thank you for all you've done, Poppy.  Despite my trying to be encouraging for Severus' sake, I really was so afraid that he was right and there wouldn't be anything that you could do to help him.  You have no idea how glad I am that I was wrong about that."

Poppy smiled kindly.  "Oh, I think I have some idea, Evangeline."

Evangeline blushed and threw her arms around the mediwitch.  "Thank you, anyway."

She pulled back and looked over at her sleeping husband.  "I hate to leave him again, Poppy, we've spent far too much time apart.  I know there really isn't anything that I can do at the moment, but couldn't I just…"

Poppy put her arm around the young woman's shoulders and turned her around, guiding her firmly to the door.  "No, you can't sleep in one of the other beds, Evangeline.  I told you that I have more treatments to give Severus, and you need some rest.  You look exhausted.  I imagine it's been quite awhile since you've gotten a full night's sleep."

Poppy reached into the pocket of the apron she wore over her robe.  "Here…I almost forgot to give this to you."  She withdrew a wand and handed it to Evangeline.

"Remus left this with me, he said it was yours.  I imagine you'd like to have it back."

Evangeline reached out and took the wand and stared at it in surprise, having forgotten its loss completely.  "Thank you. I lost this in the grass at home.  Remus must have found it."  She looked up at Poppy feeling guilty that she hadn't enquired about Remus before.  "Was Remus all right, Poppy?  He hadn't been too badly injured by the Death Eaters, had he?"

Poppy smiled reassuringly and shook her head.  "No, Remus is fine.  He received some shallow cuts and burns just like you and Severus did, but they weren't anything that I couldn't take care of easily.  Now go home and get some rest.  There's no more need to worry about Remus or Severus tonight.

As Evangeline looked as if she was about to protest some more, Poppy put on her sternest face and opened the infirmary door.  "No arguments, Evangeline.  Go home and get some real sleep.  Everything will be all right, don't worry.  Come back and get Severus in the morning."

Although she hated being parted from Severus for yet more time, she recognized that arguing with Poppy wasn't going to get her anywhere.  So she bowed to the inevitable and left with one final lingering glance behind her at the sleeping form of her husband.

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Author's Notes: 

Arachne's Child:  Thank you.  It was difficult to hit just the right balance with the last chapter.  I wanted to give Remus a chance to grieve over his loss, but I didn't want to tip over the edge and get too sappy and depressing.  I'm glad you thought I hit the right tone.

Xhana:  As much as he might think so now, I don't think Remus will give up on finding love.

Jasara:  Thanks. :)

Rickfan37:  Well, it's obvious that Remus sees Snape differently than we do, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  You'll just have to wait and see what I have in mind for Remus, but as you say, I'm quite fond of him.

Snapefan51:  Life isn't really a bummer…just busy at the moment.  You got plenty of the 100% genuine article in this chapter.  I hope you enjoyed it. :)

Whale of the World:  Yes, Remus needs to move on and there are certainly opportunities for him out there.  He just needs to find them.

Zagzagael:  Thank you.  I'm glad you like my wolf.  :)