Summer 1378 AF
I haven't written for a long time, and the reason is this: Laia was Chosen a few days after my last entry.
It isn't that I envy her. I won't, can't be Chosen. But I didn't expect the pain...
This is how it happened.
She and I were riding, and Laia was talking about her betrothed. She was telling me how afraid she was to be married to him, so afraid that she was willing to run away to escape it. I could not imagine that, and told her so. I asked her how she thought she would survive. She laughed, and told me that the gods would protect her. I asked her, why then do you not stay here, and protect me? That was when she froze.
I turned, and there was the Companion. I found that I could not move either. I wanted so badly for that Companion to stop in front of me, to look in my eyes, to Choose me. But it was not to be. She paced by me, and stopped. I held my breath. She looked up at me with...pity, and sympathy in her eyes, then turned to Choose Laia. And I felt such pain at that moment, more pain then I had ever felt before. I wanted her to turn, to Choose me, but she wouldn't. She wouldn't.
Laia rode away. I think she will be the perfect Herald, and I am so proud of her. Only....why must I be so envious? No. I do not envy her.
Later
I do envy Laia.
Summer 1378 AF
To get my mind off my envy, I will write about my mother. I was born when she was twenty-four. Mother was always...timid, I suppose is the best word. I gather that she was abused growing up, and abused more after she wedded my father. It was lucky for her that she birthed Thom a year after their marriage. He left her alone after that. Mother was only eighteen when Thom was born. Only seventeen when she married. My father is at least twice her age.
My memories of her are of a shadow, really. She stayed out of my father's way, pampered Thom, primped Lerali, scolded Laia, ignored me and Justien, and pampered Sammy. Ironic that it should be Sammy who killed her, if indirectly. Kally bears my mother's name.
I sometimes wonder why I loved her.