Summer 1378 AF
Perhaps another reason that I will not be Chosen is that I find it hard to feel anymore. You will remember how I said that I hide my feelings. I have realized of late that one of the reasons it is so easy to hide my emotions is that I do not have many anymore. I can love, but only Justien and Laia, only people who have earned my trust and love. I can like, but only if the person is so young and innocent that they are impossible to dislike but too young to have earned my love.
I can't hate, though. I keep thinking about how I would feel if I were them, and I was my enemy. Sometimes I simply don't have the energy to hate. The only person I could possibly hate is my father, and he's...well, he's my father. I just can't hate him.
Anger though...anger comes naturally and easily. Anger comes often, and consumes my world when it does. I wish I could stop it! It is like a dragon that curls up inside me, that will not let go. Anger is the one emotion I wish I could not feel.
Summer 1378 AF
My entries are getting shorter. Perhaps that is because I cannot think of things to tell you. What is there to tell? You know what I can and cannot do, what I look like, how I feel.
Well, I have not told you what I fear. I fear turning into my mother, an abused creature without the strength of will to stand up to my father. I fear turning into my father, and hurting things for the joy of hurting. I fear simplemindedness as well. What would I do if I were simpleminded? My escape, my dream world, would be gone.
I have not told you about my dream world, either. I am a dreamer. Everything important I do is in my dreams. I have stood up to my father, I have saved my family single-handed, I have saved the kingdom, I have been Chosen. But that is only in my realistic dreams. All of those dreams could perhaps happen, even if the chances are so slim they are not visible. It is a world that I go to in my mind, when I daydream. I go there, and I am Ariana the Brave, or Ariana the Wise, loved and revered and worshipped. I have all sorts of adventures, free the world from dragons, from evil. It is my escape. When things get too bad to stand, or I get angry, I go to my world, and hide there.
It is the one place no one can take away.
Summer 1378 AF
Father is getting worse. Ever since Laia left he has been very touchy, snapping at us for the smallest mistake and beating us for the tiniest blunder. I have gotten more beatings in the last few days then I have since I learned to hide my feelings.
I don't understand why he is so angry all the time. I mean, Laia was betrothed, but her betrothed, I gather, would be perfectly happy to take Lerali instead. She's not nearly as intelligent and firey. But...could that mean he has a betrothal for Lerali, too? Then I'll have to take Laia's place. There is only Kally, and she's a baby. He can't possibly betroth her. The Queen wouldn't stand for it.