Notes: This fic is pretty much a weird one. It takes all of the main characters from MGS and MGS2: SOL and puts them into an elite unit, headed by the mysterious Colonel... it assumes that both of the games have happened, but none of the characters have met each other, and they're all alive! Emma, Meryl and Fortune have met each other, though. This may seem like a contradiction in itself, but I don't give a shit. I write.
Disclaimer: Until further notice, the Metal Gear series and the works of Alan Moore (writer of the original League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen, buy it today!) do not, and never have been, owned by Shade Wolf Enterprises.
(opening credits)
Shade Ippikiookami Enterprises and Fade Ishiwagi present...
The League Of Pretty Unordinary Gentle Men & Women
Based On An Idea in The Fic 'Behind The Game- Metal Gear Solid 2'
Directed by Simon Wolf
Produced by Simon Wolf
Screenplay by Simon Wolf
The Guy to Test Whether It's Funny or Not was Morgan Priestnall
The Guy Who Ranted On About The Awesomeness of Dynasty Warriors During The Production of This was Morgan Priestnall
(screen fades to black; it fades back in to see Meryl, Fortune and Emma sitting on a couch in front of a speakerphone)
Speakerphone: Good morning girls.
Emma, Fortune and Meryl: Good morning Colonel!
Speakerphone: What am I doing talking to you over the speakerphone?
Emma: No idea, Colonel.
Speakerphone: Hold on. (pause) I think I'm naked.
Fortune: Please don't go into details.
Meryl: (changing subject) What's our mission for today?
Speakerphone: Mission? Oh yes! Your mission. Your mission is to go and bring back 15 completely unknown people who have no skills whatsoever so that they can... umm... (pause) I've got it! So that they can take a group of children to the Candy, Fireworks and Puppies store!
Emma: Why are you such a chronic liar?
Speakerphone: (starts crying) I have no idea! It just started with telling my wife that she didn't look fat in that dress, then I said that Shadow Moses wasn't really of any importance... I just can't give it up!
Fortune: Then tell us what our mission is.
Speakerphone: Oh yes. Your mission is to group together 15 of the best agents in their own fields for a top-secret mission that has nothing to do with the Patriots.
(long pause)
Speakerphone: ALRIGHT! They have to go and find information on the Patriots. And anything else. Oh yes, and there will be some extreme danger involved. And some members of a new group, known as 'Small-Fluffy-Animals-Hound'.
Emma: Sounds fun.
Speakerphone: It will be! Now then, go get these people. (disconnects)
(long pause)
Speakerphone: (re-connects) The list is under the couch. (disconnects)
Fortune: I hate that guy.
Emma: C'mon, let's go see who we have to find! (she looks under the couch and pulls out a piece of paper with 13 names on it)
Meryl: Who do we have to find?
Emma: Umm... 'Solid Snake', 'Liquid Snake'...
Fortune: 'Solidus Snake', 'Raiden', 'Hal Emmerich'...
Meryl: 'Rose Merry', 'Revolver Ocelot', 'Decoy Octopus'...
Emma: 'Vulcan Raven', 'Sniper Wolf', 'Psycho Mantis'...
Fortune: 'Vamp', 'Fatman', 'Grey Fox', and... what's this? 'Semen'?
(Fortunes mobile phone rings; she answers)
Fortune: Hello?
Phone: IT'S SEA MAN! (disconnects)
Emma: That's odd.
Meryl: Shall we go find them?
Fortune: Yes! And I bagsie finding this Semen guy!
(a brick flies through the window. Fortune picks it up and reads the note attached)
Fortune: (reading aloud) 'IT'S SEA MAN!' (puts down brick) He must be pretty strong, we're on the 30th floor.
Emma: He must have good aim, and no life.
Meryl: Can we go now?
Fortune: Fine.
(screen fades out- fade back in to see Meryl walking down a dark alley)
Meryl: That old man told me I could find Solid Snake in here...
(a dark, deep and husky voice speaks behind her)
Voice: Welcome, young lady, to the lair of a foul creature, one who has betrayed the way of the light and has fallen into the shadow. Welcome to the Lair Of The Snake! (suddenly, the voice starts hacking and coughing)
Meryl: Shit... (passes a bottle of water into the shadows. A hand reaches out and takes the water. Drinking noises are heard)
Voice: Ahh... (passes the now-empty bottle out to Meryl) (now just husky) You have no idea how much it hurts to talk like that... (the source of the voice steps out- it's Solid Snake)
Meryl: Solid Snake?
Snake: (lights a cigarette) That's my name, don't wear it out. (pulls out a pistol and aims it at Meryls head) Seriously, don't wear it out.
Meryl: Ok... I'm here to collect you for a top-secret mission.
Snake: Sounds good. (follows Meryl out of the alley)
(fades out; fade back in to see Fortune walking into a large conference room. Much arguing is going on)
Outraged Person: Mr.Speaker, I'm afraid that your theories are both illogical and very gay and British!
Speaker: (speaks in a gay, British voice) But don't you see? We're all affected by... (camera pans over to the speaker, who is revealed as Liquid Snake) GENETIC EXPERIMENTS!
(Fortune runs down to the speaking area)
Fortune: (to Liquid) Look, I'm here to collect you for a top-secret mission involving things.
Liquid: Hmm... no. I don't do 'things'.
Fortune: But... uh... it's actually a mission filled with... uh... genetic experiments?
Liquid: I think you mean 'GENETIC EXPERIMENTS!'. Note the capital letters. They mean that it's louder then normal.
Fortune: Can we leave now? Before the crowd comes down and lynch you.
Liquid: Fine.
(they both exit the conference room)
(fade out; fade in to see Emma and a guard outside a cell in an Asylum)
Guard: Yep, he's in there. You won't get much out of him though, especially after he watched 'Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers'.
Emma: Ok... (puts her ear to the door and listens to what's going on inside)
Voice: I damn them... Only I may damn them all... DAMN THE PATRIOTS! But precious will protect me... (a squeaking noise is heard) Yes, precious...
Emma: (opens the door) Mr. Solidus?
(camera moves onto the insane man- it's Solidus Snake)
Solidus: Whats does she wants, precious? (squeezes a stuffed bear he's holding)
Bear: *squeak!*
Solidus: Good idea, precious...
Emma: Umm, I'm here to collect you for a top-secret mission...
Solidus: Shoulds we goes, precious?
Bear: *squeak!*
Solidus: Filthy stinking Patriots, trying to write history how they wants it... *cough solidus cough solidus*
Bear: *squeak!*
Emma: Let's go.
Solidus: Rights we ares, precious!
(fade out; fade in to see Meryl and Snake walking up a beach.)
Snake: Are we there yet?
Meryl: No.
Snake: Damn! (pause) Are we there yet?
Meryl: No!
Snake: Are we there... (pause) YET?
Meryl: NO!
Snake: I wonder how much longer this is going to take... if Otacon was here, (turns to camera) whoever HE is, (winks, then turns back to Meryl) he would've invented some weird device to tell us how much further to go. Stupid little nerd...
(an albino man jumps out from midair and lands in front of Snake)
Albino: Did you say 'nerd'? (he raises his head, and is revealed to be Raiden)
Snake: NO I DID N-... wait... (looks back at script) SHIT! He was right, stupid little-
Raiden: I may be a gay, communist, stupid, fashion designer/porn star, but I am NOT the Little Mermaid!
Meryl: Huh?
Snake: Yeah, I kinda lost it after the 'gay' bit, anyway.
Raiden: Aww...
Meryl: So... you wanna join up in our top-secret special operations team?
Raiden: Yeah, I guess.
(a gay man comes running down the beach to them)
Gay Man: Wait! Oh, god, you just have to wait!
Raiden: (turns to look at man) Tony?
Tony: Yes, it's me! (reaches Raiden and passes him a lunchbox) I made you a Caesar salad, extra croutons...
Raiden: Aww!
Tony: And I packed your favourite juice and a special treat!
Raiden: Bye!
Tony: Kisses! (he and Raiden kiss each other) Bye you!
(Meryl and Raiden walk down the beach)
Snake: So, you're gay?
Tony: (does that gay hand thing) Is it THAT obvious?
Snake: (pulls out a gun and shoots Tony) Heh... (runs after Meryl and Raiden)
(fade out; fade in to see Fortune and Liquid walking into a Russian bar)
Liquid: I hate Russians...
(silence- pistols are heard being loaded)
Liquid: I mean, I hate... Russians WHO... enjoy... umm... the occasional... grapefruit?
(silence)
Russian 1: Me too.
Russian 2: I hate grapefruits in all their forms!
(every Russian in the place starts yelling agreements)
Russian 3: Where's Lenin when you need him? He would help us make a revolution against the unfair grapefruit rulers!
(a wall smashes down- a zombie Lenin is seen stumbling through the wall)
Zombie Lenin: Rargh! Must... crush... grapefruit!
(as Lenin walks out, the other Russians follow, leaving one behind)
Fortune: I take it that you're Ocelot?
(the last Russian raises his head- it is indeed Ocelot)
Ocelot: They call me Revolver... Revolver...
(Snake pops his head in the door)
Snake: Ocelot?!
(Snake leaves)
Ocelot: I hate that guy. (raises right arm- his trench coat sleeve falls down, revealing his Liquid arm)
Liquid: Say, that arm looks familiar...
(Ocelot turns his head to the camera, winks, then turns back)
Ocelot: And please meet my friend... (he goes into convulsions; he then stops and looks at Liquid in an odd way)
Liquid: And who are you?
Liquid Ocelot: Call me Liquid... Liquid-
(Snake pops his head in the door)
Snake: Ocelot?!
(Snake leaves)
Liquid Ocelot: Why does he do that? (he turns his head to the camera, winks, then turns back)
Liquid: Say, you sound gay and British.
Liquid Ocelot: I am.
Fortune: Look, are you going to join our group or not?
Liquid Ocelot: Fine. (has convulsions and starts speaking like a Russian again) I'm back. It's me, Revolver.
Fortune: Shall we go now?
Ocelot: Fine by me.
(fade out; fade in to see Emma walking along, with Solidus scampering behind her)
Solidus: Are we theres yets?
Emma: For the last time, NO! (looks around) We were supposed to meet Decoy Octopus here...
(Solidus' teddy bear wriggles out of Solidus' hands and walks up to Emma)
Teddy: I'm Decoy Octopus.
Solidus: Precious!
Decoy: Your 'precious' currently down in old Soho, (pulls out guitar and starts playing it) where he'll drink champagne that tastes just like Coca-Cola... some one will ask for his name... he'll reply...
Solidus: Precious!
Emma: That was a bad reference.
Decoy: Could you turn around for a moment while I change into something more... suitable?
Emma: Fine... (turns around)
(5 minutes later...)
Decoy: Done.
Emma: Finally... (turns around and sees Elmo) Elmo?
Elmo: No, it's me, Decoy Octopus. I find that this costume attracts the least attention.
(Decoy, Emma and Solidus start walking down the street, and pass by a small child and his mother)
Child: Mummy! I just saw Elmo, and he gave me the finger!
Mother: Of course you did, sweetie. Now let's go off to our good friend Dr. Shock Therapy...
(fade out; fade in to see Meryl, Snake and Raiden sitting watching a basketball court.)
Snake: When does the game start?
Meryl: In a minute...
Raiden: (eating salad) Why are we here?
Meryl: *sigh* To recruit Vulcan Raven.
Snake: Hey, did you notice that about half of the people on that list of yours have some odd code name? Now, maybe it's just me, but surely we would have some recollection about how the hell me and two other guys are called Snake. Don't make no- (a basketball flies up and smashes him in the head) Ouchie... (collapses)
Meryl: Oh good, the game is starting...
Announcer: That it is! Moving on, here comes the home team, the Wyverns! (five guys wearing black basketball uniforms run on) Number 12, Jordan! Number 15, Pawsey! Number 2, Redfern! Number 5, Van De Vusse! And number 7, Zach!
Raiden: They're all so ugly...
Announcer: And because the away team all ran away after pissing their pants, let's bring on the table tennis B team! (four guys in yellow and blue uniforms run on) The ugly shaved headed one, Moore! The tall, pimply black haired one, something! The goofy looking guy with the glasses, Priestnall! And that other guy, Gough!
Crowd Member: They only have four players!
Announcer: And finally, the fifth B team table tennis player... VULCAN RAVEN!
(Vulcan Raven runs on, carrying his huge Vulcan Cannon)
Raven: Other... team... will... now... be... returned... to... mother... earth! (opens fire- the Wyverns die)
Announcer: In a surprise victory, the table tennis team wins!
(Meryl walks down stairs and talks to Vulcan Raven. He nods, and then he, Meryl, Snake and Raiden walk off)
(fade out; fade in to see Fortune, Liquid and Ocelot walking up to a wolf breeder)
Liquid: Wolves, eh?
Ocelot: Breeder, eh?
Liquid: I am Canadian, eh?
Ocelot: A little slow, eh?
Fortune: Shutup, the both of you.
Liquid: I wonder if these wolves are breed by... GENETIC EXPERIMENTS?!
Fortune: Why did I have to get you, for christsakes?!
Ocelot: Quiet, we're nearly there...
(they enter the wolf-breeding centre. Inside they find a disco, with laser light, colourful floor, a disco ball, etc... They see numerous wolves dancing, with Sniper Wolf and John Travolta dancing in the centre)
Liquid: A disco?
(Sniper Wolf and John Travolta stop dancing and walk up to the three)
Sniper Wolf: Well, after a long day of hunting and eating, they need a place to relax, and perhaps meet someone nice.
(camera pans over to a young male wolf and a young female wolf)
Male Wolf: Hi!
Female Wolf: (turns her head away blushes) Hi...
(camera moves back to the five)
Liquid: But still, a disco?!
Sniper: (shrugs) What can I say? They're wolves. They love the nightlife.
John Travolta: They like to boogie.
Ocelot: You be quiet. What are you doing here anyway?
John: Can't you tell by the way I walk that I'm a ladies man, no time to talk?
Ocelot: (shoots John)
Sniper: Aww...
Fortune: You want to join our secret covert operations group?
Sniper: But what about my wolves?
Fonz: I'll take care of them, Miss S, aehhhhh?
Sniper: I can always count on you, Fonz.
Fonz: Aehhhh!
(Sniper, Fortune, Liquid and Revolver exit)
(fade out; fade in to see Emma, Solidus and Decoy, still dressed as Elmo, walking up to a Fortune Tellers booth)
Emma: Here we are!
Decoy: Good.
Solidus: You hears that, precious? We're here!
Teddy: *squeak!*
Decoy: I'm so going to kill you.
Emma: Shutup!
(a muffled voice calls from inside the booth)
Voice: Come in, child...
(Emma enters. Inside is Psycho Mantis)
Emma: By the above note, I take it you're Psycho Mantis.
Mantis: That is I...
Emma: Can you please come with us?
Mantis: Hmm... hmm... hmm... hmm... in exchange for a picture of some cute puppy.
Emma: (opens her wallet and pulls out a picture) Here...
Mantis: (takes the picture) Aww, he's so cutesy-bootsey!
Emma: Go now?
Mantis: Fine...
(Emma and Mantis exit)
(fade out; fade in to see Meryl, Snake, Raiden and Raven all sitting outside a bisexual bar)
Snake: Why aren't any of us in here?
Raiden: (drinking from a juice box) I'm straight.
(long pause)
Raiden: Straight up gay, I mean.
Meryl: Well, I'm straight.
Snake: Well then, would you care to join me for an old fashioned drink, followed by a night in my hotel room?
Robot: Danger! Danger! Meryl Silverburgh!
Snake: Blasted machine!
Raven: To... the... native... Americans,... a... homosexual... man... was... known... as... a... member... of... the... third... sex. They... were... highly... regarded,... as... they...
(5 hours later)
Raven: ... and... that's... why... your... mother... has... a... huge... ass.
Snake: (sleeping)
Meryl: Huh?
Raiden: (excited) Please, continue!
Snake: (wakes up) There he is! (points at the door to the bisexual bar. Seen exiting is Vamp)
Meryl: Finally...
(Vamp walks up to Raiden)
Vamp: Hey there, hot stuff.
Raiden: (looks away and blushes) Hi...
Meryl: Hi!
Vamp: (looks over at Meryl) Hello...
Meryl: Don't even think about it, Vamp. We're here to recruit you to join our coalition-
(George Bush pops his head out of the gay bar next to the bisexual bar)
George Bush: Of The Willing?!
Meryl: No, you fucking idiot!
George: Aww... (goes back inside the gay bar)
(cut to Shade and Fade)
Fade: You do realise how many Bush patriots you're going to get flamed by?
Shade: Tell 'em to go suck on a lemon.
Fade: AKA George's ass?
Shade: They're both sour, yellow, covered in pockmarks and have nothing but bitter juice inside 'em.
Fade: All the more flames for you! I'm going to go play Dynasty Warriors!
(cut to Meryl, Vamp, Snake and Raven)
Vamp: Wow, that was a very good summary of why George Bush sucks balls. Mainly mine.
Meryl: You in this group or not?
Vamp: Fine...
(they all walk off)
(fade out; fade in to see Fortune, Liquid, Ocelot and Sniper walking up to a huge warehouse. A sign reading "ALL FOR FATMAN!" has been placed over the original sign for a candy, cookies and lollies factory)
Ocelot: I take it that we've reached the right place?
Liquid: You can say that again.
Ocelot: I take it that we've reached the right place?
Liquid: (pause) Once more, with feeling!
Ocelot: I take it that-
Fortune: SHUT IT!
Sniper: I agree.
Fortune: Holy shit, I forgot that you were here. It's so good to know that another woman is here.
Ocelot: I think I'm a woman trapped in a man's body.
(Ocelot screams and goes into spasms. He recovers, and stands back up, his right forearm throbbing)
Liquid Ocelot: No, I'm gay! HA HA HA HA HA!
Fortune: I think I prefer the old Russian guy. And why are you here anyway? According to 'Metal Gear Solid- A Guide To Completely Undermine This Fanfic' by M. Priestnall, you shouldn't have that arm, because Liquid is still alive.
Liquid Ocelot: We have to have a reference to Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde in here somewhere.
Fortune: Forget everything I said.
Sniper: Are we going inside that place or not?
Liquid: Fine...
(they enter the warehouse- inside we see Fatman gorging himself on cookies)
Fatman: Mmgraw... (notices the others) No! All for Fatman! (keeps eating, but faster)
Fortune: We're here to get you to join our elite group where you'll... uh... get every cookie you've ever desired?
(Fatman stops eating, and walks over to Fortune and the others)
Fatman: EVERY cookie, you say?
Fortune: Err... yes?
Fatman: Excellent. What are we waiting for? Let's go and start the party!
Liquid Ocelot: Yes... at this party will we be allowed to perform...
Liquid: GENETIC EXPERIMENTS?!
Liquid Ocelot: Just what I was thinking.
(they all exit)
(fade out; fade in to see Otacon standing on a street corner)
Otacon: She said she wanted to meet me here...
(a limousine drives up and parks next to Otacon. One of the back doors open)
Otacon: Umm, your door flew open... (pause) Would you like me to close it? (pause) It'd be not trouble, but-
(Otacon is thrown into the car and the door closes. The limo begins to drive off. Inside limo, we see Otacon sitting directly opposite Elmo)
Elmo: Greetings, Hal.
Otacon: ELMO?!
Elmo: ... No Otacon, I'm not your favourite Muppet. I'm actually a secret agent, here to hire you to join our elite group.
Otacon: Oh... are you sure you're not Elmo?
Decoy: I'M SURE! Now then, you have two options.
Otacon: They are...?
Decoy: Your first option is to join us, and live happily. And if you decide not to join us, we'll force you anyway.
Otacon: So... I have no choice in this...
Decoy: Not really.
(the drivers' window slides down- Solidus is driving, Mantis is alongside him)
Solidus: Hey, Otacon, you want to stop for some pasta?!
Otacon: Oooh, that sounds good!
Decoy: Trust me Otacon, you don't want to get involved in this...
Solidus: No, Elmo, he wants pasta! Right, Otacon?
Otacon: Well... I guess-
(Mantis suddenly interrupts)
Mantis: (to Solidus) No Solidus! Nobody wants pasta! We've pasta for the last week now! I want something different, like... Chinese!
Solidus: You're crazy! CRAZY! (waving his hands in the air) LIKE THE PATRIOTS! DAMN THE PATRIOTS!
Decoy: SOLIDUS, WATCH THE ROAD!
(suddenly, a smash, a cat yelping and a woman screaming are heard. The car lights go out, and then come back on again)
Solidus: Uh... don't worry, it was just a pothole... I think we best drive off now. Forget everything.
Mantis: I'll help with that...
Decoy: (looks around) Where's Emma?
Solidus: Oh, she's in the boot.
Mantis: To escape from our insanity.
Otacon: I don't blame her.
(fade out; fade in to see Meryl and Rose)
Rose: So you want me to join your guild of top agents?
Meryl: Yeah.
Rose: Sounds good.
Meryl: (pause) Yeah, I guess you'd think that.
Rose: Why? What's the downside?
Meryl: You haven't met the others...
(cut to Snake and Raven)
Snake: I want you to hit me as hard as you can.
Raven: What...?
Snake: Hit me, as hard as you can.
Raven: I... don't... want... to... hit... you.
Snake: Hit me!
Raven: What... the... fuck... for...?
Snake: I'm bored. I wanna know how it feels to be punched in the face
Raven: Ugh...
Snake: Really hard.
Raven: Alright,... I'll... do... it...
(Raven hits Snake in the face, sending Snakes body flying through the air and into the wall)
(pause)
Raven: Well... ?... How... was... it...?
Snake: (hurting) Shall we do something else now?
(fade out; fade in to Fortune, Liquid, Ocelot, Fatman and Sniper walking into the main chamber of an undersea lair)
Fatman: Amazing how we bypassed all that security, guards and alarms without getting traced at all.
Ocelot: Now we enter the main lair of Semen...
(a voice emanates from the main chamber)
Voice: IT'S SEA MAN!
(everyone enters the main chamber. Seen sitting in a huge, comfy armchair is Sea Man)
Sea Man: Why doesn't anybody get my name right?
Fortune: Well, if you join our group, then you... umm... will get the chance to... err... change your name?
Sea Man: To Semen?
Fortune: Yes?
Sea Man: That's stupid, but alright!
Liquid Ocelot: You're developing the Colonels habit of lying.
Fortune: Shut it...
(fade out; fade in to see Emma, Solidus, Decoy [still dressed as Elmo], Mantis and Otacon walking up to theatre- displayed as the current play is 'In The Darkness Of Shadow Moses- The Musical'. They enter, and see an audience in front of a stage. On the stage, a naked man sits on a bench. In front of him is a man in a full Colonel uniform, and a woman in a lab coat.)
Naked Man: (singing)
I'm retired now
You can't make me go now!
I'm a sledder,
No one's better!
Colonel: (singing)
But you'll do this mission for me...!
(Emma and the rest of the group sit down)
(3 hours later...)
(Grey Fox is pinned to a wall by the nose of a very fake Metal Gear Rex. An actor portraying Solid Snake is aiming a Stinger Missile Launcher at Grey Fox)
British Voice [Liquid]: (singing)
Snake!
This mans life you're letting me take!
Brother!
This man here will meet his mother!
Solid Snake: (singing)
A cornered fox
Is more dangerous then a jackal!
At the end of this
On YOUR grave I'll cackle!
Grey Fox: (singing)
Do it now, before it's too late!
Fire the Stinger, you stupid ingrate!
Liquid: (singing)
Can you really fire?
He'll die as well-
The situation is dire!
DIE!
Grey Fox: (singing)
For the government
We are not tools!
Nor to anyone else-
We are no fools!
(wavering)
But...
At least I always fought...
For what I believed in...
(dies)
Liquid: (singing)
Foolish man!
He prayed for eternal rest
And now it has found him
You may be the best
But now you will join him!
(an hour later...)
(the actor portraying Solid Snake sits on a snowmobile with an actor portraying Meryl)
Meryl: (singing)
Until today,
I've only lived for myself.
But now skies aren't grey-
You're the new thing in my life.
Solid Snake: (singing)
Let's go find our new path in life,
One free of clutter, and no more strife
Meryl: (speaking) I think I'm gonna like this new life...
(the snowmobile is dragged off by strings, along with Meryl and Snake)
Female Voice Over: The end.
(audience goes wild- cheering, clapping, yelling... we move over to see the face of Solidus, who is crying)
Solidus: That was beautiful...
(the cast come to the stage, and all bow)
Emma: Grey Fox!
(Grey Fox jumps down and walks over)
Grey Fox: Yeah?
Emma: Would you like to join our elite organization?
Grey Fox: This is rather short notice, but yes!
(everyone exits)
(fade out; fade in to see everyone amassed around the speakerphone in the main HQ)
Speakerphone: Good morning, everyone.
Everyone: Good morning Colonel!
Speakerphone: In case you were wondering, I'm still naked.
Emma: Just get to the point.
Speakerphone: Oh yes! Now then, let's move on to why I chose you 18.
Snake: I think we figured that out by ourselves.
Speakerphone: Quiet, you! Now then, first off we have Emma, Meryl and Fortune. The reason I chose them was because they all had hot asses.
Fortune: Damn right!
Speakerphone: Next, we have Solid Snake. He is a master of infiltration, and can be almost invisible. Thanks to Otacons technology, he will be fully invisible!
Snake: Hey, I'm just a regular Hawley Griffin.
Speakerphone: Next, we have Liquid Snake. A fine scholar in the art of genetic experiments.
Liquid: No, no, it's GENETIC EXPERIMENTS!
Speakerphone: Number 6, we have Solidus Snake, who's fear and paranoia over an imaginary, or so we think, group of people can lead to him having fits of rage, often dangerous to those around him.
Solidus: DAMN THE PATRIOTS!!! (starts poking Otacon)
Otacon: Ow! Quit it!
Speakerphone: Numero seven, we have Raiden, who is one of the most homosexual people I have ever met. But, he could be useful on the field.
Raiden: Did you say nerd? (gets smacked on the head by everyone in the room)
Speakerphone: The eighth is Revolver Ocelot, who is both an expert gunman, and is often possessed by the spirit of Liquid Snake.
Ocelot: Just your friendly neighbour hood Dr. Shalashaska-
(undergoes spasms, fits and convulsions)
Liquid Ocelot: And Mr. GENETIC EXPERIMENTS! Ha ha ha ha!
Speakerphone: Neuf, we have Decoy Octopus, a master of disguise.
Decoy: (still dressed as Elmo) No one can tell who I really am...
(Bert and Ernie run in)
Ernie: C'mon, Elmo! You have to come with us for our three-way shower to teach the kid the value of numerical superiority!
(Bert and Ernie drag off Decoy)
Speakerphone: X, it's Vulcan Raven, who is strong, huge, slow talking and can bust open more skin then a monkey in a banana forest.
Raven: That... was... a... terrible... metaphor...
Speakerphone: Eleventh is Sniper Wolf, who is a sniper and obsessed by wolves.
Sniper: That isn't made half obvious by my name...
Speakerphone: Douze, here is Psycho Mantis, a master of telepathy, telekinesis and also has the ugliest face ever.
Psycho Mantis: I never take of my mask, as my face is so very pixelated.
Speakerphone: Number thirteen is Vamp, who is a bisexual vampire.
Vamp: I'm thinking of cross-dressing and calling myself Mina Murray.
Speakerphone: The fourteenth is Fatman, who is a fat, and a proverbial mad bomber.
Fatman: Laugh and grow-
Speakerphone: That's enough out of you. The fifteenth is Otacon, a master of computers, technology and hacking.
Otacon: Call me Nemo.
Speakerphone: No. Sixteen is Rose Merry, who enjoys long walks on the beach, spaghetti and Cheez Whiz.
Rose: You know you waaaaaaaaaaant it.
Speakerphone: Seventeen, we have the master of the ocean depths. It's Semen!
Sea Man: IT'S SEA MAN!
Speakerphone: Lucky last is Grey Fox- a ninja, who wields a katana with deadly proficiency.
Grey Fox: I was in a musical!
Speakerphone: And that's it. NARRATOR!
(fade out; fade in to see a montage of pictures of all the agents. The Narrator does the voice over)
Narrator: In this exciting edition of The League, we have finally gathered all of the members! But what missions does the Colonel have in mind for them? What adventures shall they go on?! And why am I asking you all these questions anyway?! It's all going to be revealed in the next exciting issue of...
THE LEAGUE OF PRETTY UNORDINARY GENTLE MEN & WOMEN
A subsidiary of Viacom.
Disclaimer: Until further notice, the Metal Gear series and the works of Alan Moore (writer of the original League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen, buy it today!) do not, and never have been, owned by Shade Wolf Enterprises.
(opening credits)
Shade Ippikiookami Enterprises and Fade Ishiwagi present...
The League Of Pretty Unordinary Gentle Men & Women
Based On An Idea in The Fic 'Behind The Game- Metal Gear Solid 2'
Directed by Simon Wolf
Produced by Simon Wolf
Screenplay by Simon Wolf
The Guy to Test Whether It's Funny or Not was Morgan Priestnall
The Guy Who Ranted On About The Awesomeness of Dynasty Warriors During The Production of This was Morgan Priestnall
(screen fades to black; it fades back in to see Meryl, Fortune and Emma sitting on a couch in front of a speakerphone)
Speakerphone: Good morning girls.
Emma, Fortune and Meryl: Good morning Colonel!
Speakerphone: What am I doing talking to you over the speakerphone?
Emma: No idea, Colonel.
Speakerphone: Hold on. (pause) I think I'm naked.
Fortune: Please don't go into details.
Meryl: (changing subject) What's our mission for today?
Speakerphone: Mission? Oh yes! Your mission. Your mission is to go and bring back 15 completely unknown people who have no skills whatsoever so that they can... umm... (pause) I've got it! So that they can take a group of children to the Candy, Fireworks and Puppies store!
Emma: Why are you such a chronic liar?
Speakerphone: (starts crying) I have no idea! It just started with telling my wife that she didn't look fat in that dress, then I said that Shadow Moses wasn't really of any importance... I just can't give it up!
Fortune: Then tell us what our mission is.
Speakerphone: Oh yes. Your mission is to group together 15 of the best agents in their own fields for a top-secret mission that has nothing to do with the Patriots.
(long pause)
Speakerphone: ALRIGHT! They have to go and find information on the Patriots. And anything else. Oh yes, and there will be some extreme danger involved. And some members of a new group, known as 'Small-Fluffy-Animals-Hound'.
Emma: Sounds fun.
Speakerphone: It will be! Now then, go get these people. (disconnects)
(long pause)
Speakerphone: (re-connects) The list is under the couch. (disconnects)
Fortune: I hate that guy.
Emma: C'mon, let's go see who we have to find! (she looks under the couch and pulls out a piece of paper with 13 names on it)
Meryl: Who do we have to find?
Emma: Umm... 'Solid Snake', 'Liquid Snake'...
Fortune: 'Solidus Snake', 'Raiden', 'Hal Emmerich'...
Meryl: 'Rose Merry', 'Revolver Ocelot', 'Decoy Octopus'...
Emma: 'Vulcan Raven', 'Sniper Wolf', 'Psycho Mantis'...
Fortune: 'Vamp', 'Fatman', 'Grey Fox', and... what's this? 'Semen'?
(Fortunes mobile phone rings; she answers)
Fortune: Hello?
Phone: IT'S SEA MAN! (disconnects)
Emma: That's odd.
Meryl: Shall we go find them?
Fortune: Yes! And I bagsie finding this Semen guy!
(a brick flies through the window. Fortune picks it up and reads the note attached)
Fortune: (reading aloud) 'IT'S SEA MAN!' (puts down brick) He must be pretty strong, we're on the 30th floor.
Emma: He must have good aim, and no life.
Meryl: Can we go now?
Fortune: Fine.
(screen fades out- fade back in to see Meryl walking down a dark alley)
Meryl: That old man told me I could find Solid Snake in here...
(a dark, deep and husky voice speaks behind her)
Voice: Welcome, young lady, to the lair of a foul creature, one who has betrayed the way of the light and has fallen into the shadow. Welcome to the Lair Of The Snake! (suddenly, the voice starts hacking and coughing)
Meryl: Shit... (passes a bottle of water into the shadows. A hand reaches out and takes the water. Drinking noises are heard)
Voice: Ahh... (passes the now-empty bottle out to Meryl) (now just husky) You have no idea how much it hurts to talk like that... (the source of the voice steps out- it's Solid Snake)
Meryl: Solid Snake?
Snake: (lights a cigarette) That's my name, don't wear it out. (pulls out a pistol and aims it at Meryls head) Seriously, don't wear it out.
Meryl: Ok... I'm here to collect you for a top-secret mission.
Snake: Sounds good. (follows Meryl out of the alley)
(fades out; fade back in to see Fortune walking into a large conference room. Much arguing is going on)
Outraged Person: Mr.Speaker, I'm afraid that your theories are both illogical and very gay and British!
Speaker: (speaks in a gay, British voice) But don't you see? We're all affected by... (camera pans over to the speaker, who is revealed as Liquid Snake) GENETIC EXPERIMENTS!
(Fortune runs down to the speaking area)
Fortune: (to Liquid) Look, I'm here to collect you for a top-secret mission involving things.
Liquid: Hmm... no. I don't do 'things'.
Fortune: But... uh... it's actually a mission filled with... uh... genetic experiments?
Liquid: I think you mean 'GENETIC EXPERIMENTS!'. Note the capital letters. They mean that it's louder then normal.
Fortune: Can we leave now? Before the crowd comes down and lynch you.
Liquid: Fine.
(they both exit the conference room)
(fade out; fade in to see Emma and a guard outside a cell in an Asylum)
Guard: Yep, he's in there. You won't get much out of him though, especially after he watched 'Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers'.
Emma: Ok... (puts her ear to the door and listens to what's going on inside)
Voice: I damn them... Only I may damn them all... DAMN THE PATRIOTS! But precious will protect me... (a squeaking noise is heard) Yes, precious...
Emma: (opens the door) Mr. Solidus?
(camera moves onto the insane man- it's Solidus Snake)
Solidus: Whats does she wants, precious? (squeezes a stuffed bear he's holding)
Bear: *squeak!*
Solidus: Good idea, precious...
Emma: Umm, I'm here to collect you for a top-secret mission...
Solidus: Shoulds we goes, precious?
Bear: *squeak!*
Solidus: Filthy stinking Patriots, trying to write history how they wants it... *cough solidus cough solidus*
Bear: *squeak!*
Emma: Let's go.
Solidus: Rights we ares, precious!
(fade out; fade in to see Meryl and Snake walking up a beach.)
Snake: Are we there yet?
Meryl: No.
Snake: Damn! (pause) Are we there yet?
Meryl: No!
Snake: Are we there... (pause) YET?
Meryl: NO!
Snake: I wonder how much longer this is going to take... if Otacon was here, (turns to camera) whoever HE is, (winks, then turns back to Meryl) he would've invented some weird device to tell us how much further to go. Stupid little nerd...
(an albino man jumps out from midair and lands in front of Snake)
Albino: Did you say 'nerd'? (he raises his head, and is revealed to be Raiden)
Snake: NO I DID N-... wait... (looks back at script) SHIT! He was right, stupid little-
Raiden: I may be a gay, communist, stupid, fashion designer/porn star, but I am NOT the Little Mermaid!
Meryl: Huh?
Snake: Yeah, I kinda lost it after the 'gay' bit, anyway.
Raiden: Aww...
Meryl: So... you wanna join up in our top-secret special operations team?
Raiden: Yeah, I guess.
(a gay man comes running down the beach to them)
Gay Man: Wait! Oh, god, you just have to wait!
Raiden: (turns to look at man) Tony?
Tony: Yes, it's me! (reaches Raiden and passes him a lunchbox) I made you a Caesar salad, extra croutons...
Raiden: Aww!
Tony: And I packed your favourite juice and a special treat!
Raiden: Bye!
Tony: Kisses! (he and Raiden kiss each other) Bye you!
(Meryl and Raiden walk down the beach)
Snake: So, you're gay?
Tony: (does that gay hand thing) Is it THAT obvious?
Snake: (pulls out a gun and shoots Tony) Heh... (runs after Meryl and Raiden)
(fade out; fade in to see Fortune and Liquid walking into a Russian bar)
Liquid: I hate Russians...
(silence- pistols are heard being loaded)
Liquid: I mean, I hate... Russians WHO... enjoy... umm... the occasional... grapefruit?
(silence)
Russian 1: Me too.
Russian 2: I hate grapefruits in all their forms!
(every Russian in the place starts yelling agreements)
Russian 3: Where's Lenin when you need him? He would help us make a revolution against the unfair grapefruit rulers!
(a wall smashes down- a zombie Lenin is seen stumbling through the wall)
Zombie Lenin: Rargh! Must... crush... grapefruit!
(as Lenin walks out, the other Russians follow, leaving one behind)
Fortune: I take it that you're Ocelot?
(the last Russian raises his head- it is indeed Ocelot)
Ocelot: They call me Revolver... Revolver...
(Snake pops his head in the door)
Snake: Ocelot?!
(Snake leaves)
Ocelot: I hate that guy. (raises right arm- his trench coat sleeve falls down, revealing his Liquid arm)
Liquid: Say, that arm looks familiar...
(Ocelot turns his head to the camera, winks, then turns back)
Ocelot: And please meet my friend... (he goes into convulsions; he then stops and looks at Liquid in an odd way)
Liquid: And who are you?
Liquid Ocelot: Call me Liquid... Liquid-
(Snake pops his head in the door)
Snake: Ocelot?!
(Snake leaves)
Liquid Ocelot: Why does he do that? (he turns his head to the camera, winks, then turns back)
Liquid: Say, you sound gay and British.
Liquid Ocelot: I am.
Fortune: Look, are you going to join our group or not?
Liquid Ocelot: Fine. (has convulsions and starts speaking like a Russian again) I'm back. It's me, Revolver.
Fortune: Shall we go now?
Ocelot: Fine by me.
(fade out; fade in to see Emma walking along, with Solidus scampering behind her)
Solidus: Are we theres yets?
Emma: For the last time, NO! (looks around) We were supposed to meet Decoy Octopus here...
(Solidus' teddy bear wriggles out of Solidus' hands and walks up to Emma)
Teddy: I'm Decoy Octopus.
Solidus: Precious!
Decoy: Your 'precious' currently down in old Soho, (pulls out guitar and starts playing it) where he'll drink champagne that tastes just like Coca-Cola... some one will ask for his name... he'll reply...
Solidus: Precious!
Emma: That was a bad reference.
Decoy: Could you turn around for a moment while I change into something more... suitable?
Emma: Fine... (turns around)
(5 minutes later...)
Decoy: Done.
Emma: Finally... (turns around and sees Elmo) Elmo?
Elmo: No, it's me, Decoy Octopus. I find that this costume attracts the least attention.
(Decoy, Emma and Solidus start walking down the street, and pass by a small child and his mother)
Child: Mummy! I just saw Elmo, and he gave me the finger!
Mother: Of course you did, sweetie. Now let's go off to our good friend Dr. Shock Therapy...
(fade out; fade in to see Meryl, Snake and Raiden sitting watching a basketball court.)
Snake: When does the game start?
Meryl: In a minute...
Raiden: (eating salad) Why are we here?
Meryl: *sigh* To recruit Vulcan Raven.
Snake: Hey, did you notice that about half of the people on that list of yours have some odd code name? Now, maybe it's just me, but surely we would have some recollection about how the hell me and two other guys are called Snake. Don't make no- (a basketball flies up and smashes him in the head) Ouchie... (collapses)
Meryl: Oh good, the game is starting...
Announcer: That it is! Moving on, here comes the home team, the Wyverns! (five guys wearing black basketball uniforms run on) Number 12, Jordan! Number 15, Pawsey! Number 2, Redfern! Number 5, Van De Vusse! And number 7, Zach!
Raiden: They're all so ugly...
Announcer: And because the away team all ran away after pissing their pants, let's bring on the table tennis B team! (four guys in yellow and blue uniforms run on) The ugly shaved headed one, Moore! The tall, pimply black haired one, something! The goofy looking guy with the glasses, Priestnall! And that other guy, Gough!
Crowd Member: They only have four players!
Announcer: And finally, the fifth B team table tennis player... VULCAN RAVEN!
(Vulcan Raven runs on, carrying his huge Vulcan Cannon)
Raven: Other... team... will... now... be... returned... to... mother... earth! (opens fire- the Wyverns die)
Announcer: In a surprise victory, the table tennis team wins!
(Meryl walks down stairs and talks to Vulcan Raven. He nods, and then he, Meryl, Snake and Raiden walk off)
(fade out; fade in to see Fortune, Liquid and Ocelot walking up to a wolf breeder)
Liquid: Wolves, eh?
Ocelot: Breeder, eh?
Liquid: I am Canadian, eh?
Ocelot: A little slow, eh?
Fortune: Shutup, the both of you.
Liquid: I wonder if these wolves are breed by... GENETIC EXPERIMENTS?!
Fortune: Why did I have to get you, for christsakes?!
Ocelot: Quiet, we're nearly there...
(they enter the wolf-breeding centre. Inside they find a disco, with laser light, colourful floor, a disco ball, etc... They see numerous wolves dancing, with Sniper Wolf and John Travolta dancing in the centre)
Liquid: A disco?
(Sniper Wolf and John Travolta stop dancing and walk up to the three)
Sniper Wolf: Well, after a long day of hunting and eating, they need a place to relax, and perhaps meet someone nice.
(camera pans over to a young male wolf and a young female wolf)
Male Wolf: Hi!
Female Wolf: (turns her head away blushes) Hi...
(camera moves back to the five)
Liquid: But still, a disco?!
Sniper: (shrugs) What can I say? They're wolves. They love the nightlife.
John Travolta: They like to boogie.
Ocelot: You be quiet. What are you doing here anyway?
John: Can't you tell by the way I walk that I'm a ladies man, no time to talk?
Ocelot: (shoots John)
Sniper: Aww...
Fortune: You want to join our secret covert operations group?
Sniper: But what about my wolves?
Fonz: I'll take care of them, Miss S, aehhhhh?
Sniper: I can always count on you, Fonz.
Fonz: Aehhhh!
(Sniper, Fortune, Liquid and Revolver exit)
(fade out; fade in to see Emma, Solidus and Decoy, still dressed as Elmo, walking up to a Fortune Tellers booth)
Emma: Here we are!
Decoy: Good.
Solidus: You hears that, precious? We're here!
Teddy: *squeak!*
Decoy: I'm so going to kill you.
Emma: Shutup!
(a muffled voice calls from inside the booth)
Voice: Come in, child...
(Emma enters. Inside is Psycho Mantis)
Emma: By the above note, I take it you're Psycho Mantis.
Mantis: That is I...
Emma: Can you please come with us?
Mantis: Hmm... hmm... hmm... hmm... in exchange for a picture of some cute puppy.
Emma: (opens her wallet and pulls out a picture) Here...
Mantis: (takes the picture) Aww, he's so cutesy-bootsey!
Emma: Go now?
Mantis: Fine...
(Emma and Mantis exit)
(fade out; fade in to see Meryl, Snake, Raiden and Raven all sitting outside a bisexual bar)
Snake: Why aren't any of us in here?
Raiden: (drinking from a juice box) I'm straight.
(long pause)
Raiden: Straight up gay, I mean.
Meryl: Well, I'm straight.
Snake: Well then, would you care to join me for an old fashioned drink, followed by a night in my hotel room?
Robot: Danger! Danger! Meryl Silverburgh!
Snake: Blasted machine!
Raven: To... the... native... Americans,... a... homosexual... man... was... known... as... a... member... of... the... third... sex. They... were... highly... regarded,... as... they...
(5 hours later)
Raven: ... and... that's... why... your... mother... has... a... huge... ass.
Snake: (sleeping)
Meryl: Huh?
Raiden: (excited) Please, continue!
Snake: (wakes up) There he is! (points at the door to the bisexual bar. Seen exiting is Vamp)
Meryl: Finally...
(Vamp walks up to Raiden)
Vamp: Hey there, hot stuff.
Raiden: (looks away and blushes) Hi...
Meryl: Hi!
Vamp: (looks over at Meryl) Hello...
Meryl: Don't even think about it, Vamp. We're here to recruit you to join our coalition-
(George Bush pops his head out of the gay bar next to the bisexual bar)
George Bush: Of The Willing?!
Meryl: No, you fucking idiot!
George: Aww... (goes back inside the gay bar)
(cut to Shade and Fade)
Fade: You do realise how many Bush patriots you're going to get flamed by?
Shade: Tell 'em to go suck on a lemon.
Fade: AKA George's ass?
Shade: They're both sour, yellow, covered in pockmarks and have nothing but bitter juice inside 'em.
Fade: All the more flames for you! I'm going to go play Dynasty Warriors!
(cut to Meryl, Vamp, Snake and Raven)
Vamp: Wow, that was a very good summary of why George Bush sucks balls. Mainly mine.
Meryl: You in this group or not?
Vamp: Fine...
(they all walk off)
(fade out; fade in to see Fortune, Liquid, Ocelot and Sniper walking up to a huge warehouse. A sign reading "ALL FOR FATMAN!" has been placed over the original sign for a candy, cookies and lollies factory)
Ocelot: I take it that we've reached the right place?
Liquid: You can say that again.
Ocelot: I take it that we've reached the right place?
Liquid: (pause) Once more, with feeling!
Ocelot: I take it that-
Fortune: SHUT IT!
Sniper: I agree.
Fortune: Holy shit, I forgot that you were here. It's so good to know that another woman is here.
Ocelot: I think I'm a woman trapped in a man's body.
(Ocelot screams and goes into spasms. He recovers, and stands back up, his right forearm throbbing)
Liquid Ocelot: No, I'm gay! HA HA HA HA HA!
Fortune: I think I prefer the old Russian guy. And why are you here anyway? According to 'Metal Gear Solid- A Guide To Completely Undermine This Fanfic' by M. Priestnall, you shouldn't have that arm, because Liquid is still alive.
Liquid Ocelot: We have to have a reference to Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde in here somewhere.
Fortune: Forget everything I said.
Sniper: Are we going inside that place or not?
Liquid: Fine...
(they enter the warehouse- inside we see Fatman gorging himself on cookies)
Fatman: Mmgraw... (notices the others) No! All for Fatman! (keeps eating, but faster)
Fortune: We're here to get you to join our elite group where you'll... uh... get every cookie you've ever desired?
(Fatman stops eating, and walks over to Fortune and the others)
Fatman: EVERY cookie, you say?
Fortune: Err... yes?
Fatman: Excellent. What are we waiting for? Let's go and start the party!
Liquid Ocelot: Yes... at this party will we be allowed to perform...
Liquid: GENETIC EXPERIMENTS?!
Liquid Ocelot: Just what I was thinking.
(they all exit)
(fade out; fade in to see Otacon standing on a street corner)
Otacon: She said she wanted to meet me here...
(a limousine drives up and parks next to Otacon. One of the back doors open)
Otacon: Umm, your door flew open... (pause) Would you like me to close it? (pause) It'd be not trouble, but-
(Otacon is thrown into the car and the door closes. The limo begins to drive off. Inside limo, we see Otacon sitting directly opposite Elmo)
Elmo: Greetings, Hal.
Otacon: ELMO?!
Elmo: ... No Otacon, I'm not your favourite Muppet. I'm actually a secret agent, here to hire you to join our elite group.
Otacon: Oh... are you sure you're not Elmo?
Decoy: I'M SURE! Now then, you have two options.
Otacon: They are...?
Decoy: Your first option is to join us, and live happily. And if you decide not to join us, we'll force you anyway.
Otacon: So... I have no choice in this...
Decoy: Not really.
(the drivers' window slides down- Solidus is driving, Mantis is alongside him)
Solidus: Hey, Otacon, you want to stop for some pasta?!
Otacon: Oooh, that sounds good!
Decoy: Trust me Otacon, you don't want to get involved in this...
Solidus: No, Elmo, he wants pasta! Right, Otacon?
Otacon: Well... I guess-
(Mantis suddenly interrupts)
Mantis: (to Solidus) No Solidus! Nobody wants pasta! We've pasta for the last week now! I want something different, like... Chinese!
Solidus: You're crazy! CRAZY! (waving his hands in the air) LIKE THE PATRIOTS! DAMN THE PATRIOTS!
Decoy: SOLIDUS, WATCH THE ROAD!
(suddenly, a smash, a cat yelping and a woman screaming are heard. The car lights go out, and then come back on again)
Solidus: Uh... don't worry, it was just a pothole... I think we best drive off now. Forget everything.
Mantis: I'll help with that...
Decoy: (looks around) Where's Emma?
Solidus: Oh, she's in the boot.
Mantis: To escape from our insanity.
Otacon: I don't blame her.
(fade out; fade in to see Meryl and Rose)
Rose: So you want me to join your guild of top agents?
Meryl: Yeah.
Rose: Sounds good.
Meryl: (pause) Yeah, I guess you'd think that.
Rose: Why? What's the downside?
Meryl: You haven't met the others...
(cut to Snake and Raven)
Snake: I want you to hit me as hard as you can.
Raven: What...?
Snake: Hit me, as hard as you can.
Raven: I... don't... want... to... hit... you.
Snake: Hit me!
Raven: What... the... fuck... for...?
Snake: I'm bored. I wanna know how it feels to be punched in the face
Raven: Ugh...
Snake: Really hard.
Raven: Alright,... I'll... do... it...
(Raven hits Snake in the face, sending Snakes body flying through the air and into the wall)
(pause)
Raven: Well... ?... How... was... it...?
Snake: (hurting) Shall we do something else now?
(fade out; fade in to Fortune, Liquid, Ocelot, Fatman and Sniper walking into the main chamber of an undersea lair)
Fatman: Amazing how we bypassed all that security, guards and alarms without getting traced at all.
Ocelot: Now we enter the main lair of Semen...
(a voice emanates from the main chamber)
Voice: IT'S SEA MAN!
(everyone enters the main chamber. Seen sitting in a huge, comfy armchair is Sea Man)
Sea Man: Why doesn't anybody get my name right?
Fortune: Well, if you join our group, then you... umm... will get the chance to... err... change your name?
Sea Man: To Semen?
Fortune: Yes?
Sea Man: That's stupid, but alright!
Liquid Ocelot: You're developing the Colonels habit of lying.
Fortune: Shut it...
(fade out; fade in to see Emma, Solidus, Decoy [still dressed as Elmo], Mantis and Otacon walking up to theatre- displayed as the current play is 'In The Darkness Of Shadow Moses- The Musical'. They enter, and see an audience in front of a stage. On the stage, a naked man sits on a bench. In front of him is a man in a full Colonel uniform, and a woman in a lab coat.)
Naked Man: (singing)
I'm retired now
You can't make me go now!
I'm a sledder,
No one's better!
Colonel: (singing)
But you'll do this mission for me...!
(Emma and the rest of the group sit down)
(3 hours later...)
(Grey Fox is pinned to a wall by the nose of a very fake Metal Gear Rex. An actor portraying Solid Snake is aiming a Stinger Missile Launcher at Grey Fox)
British Voice [Liquid]: (singing)
Snake!
This mans life you're letting me take!
Brother!
This man here will meet his mother!
Solid Snake: (singing)
A cornered fox
Is more dangerous then a jackal!
At the end of this
On YOUR grave I'll cackle!
Grey Fox: (singing)
Do it now, before it's too late!
Fire the Stinger, you stupid ingrate!
Liquid: (singing)
Can you really fire?
He'll die as well-
The situation is dire!
DIE!
Grey Fox: (singing)
For the government
We are not tools!
Nor to anyone else-
We are no fools!
(wavering)
But...
At least I always fought...
For what I believed in...
(dies)
Liquid: (singing)
Foolish man!
He prayed for eternal rest
And now it has found him
You may be the best
But now you will join him!
(an hour later...)
(the actor portraying Solid Snake sits on a snowmobile with an actor portraying Meryl)
Meryl: (singing)
Until today,
I've only lived for myself.
But now skies aren't grey-
You're the new thing in my life.
Solid Snake: (singing)
Let's go find our new path in life,
One free of clutter, and no more strife
Meryl: (speaking) I think I'm gonna like this new life...
(the snowmobile is dragged off by strings, along with Meryl and Snake)
Female Voice Over: The end.
(audience goes wild- cheering, clapping, yelling... we move over to see the face of Solidus, who is crying)
Solidus: That was beautiful...
(the cast come to the stage, and all bow)
Emma: Grey Fox!
(Grey Fox jumps down and walks over)
Grey Fox: Yeah?
Emma: Would you like to join our elite organization?
Grey Fox: This is rather short notice, but yes!
(everyone exits)
(fade out; fade in to see everyone amassed around the speakerphone in the main HQ)
Speakerphone: Good morning, everyone.
Everyone: Good morning Colonel!
Speakerphone: In case you were wondering, I'm still naked.
Emma: Just get to the point.
Speakerphone: Oh yes! Now then, let's move on to why I chose you 18.
Snake: I think we figured that out by ourselves.
Speakerphone: Quiet, you! Now then, first off we have Emma, Meryl and Fortune. The reason I chose them was because they all had hot asses.
Fortune: Damn right!
Speakerphone: Next, we have Solid Snake. He is a master of infiltration, and can be almost invisible. Thanks to Otacons technology, he will be fully invisible!
Snake: Hey, I'm just a regular Hawley Griffin.
Speakerphone: Next, we have Liquid Snake. A fine scholar in the art of genetic experiments.
Liquid: No, no, it's GENETIC EXPERIMENTS!
Speakerphone: Number 6, we have Solidus Snake, who's fear and paranoia over an imaginary, or so we think, group of people can lead to him having fits of rage, often dangerous to those around him.
Solidus: DAMN THE PATRIOTS!!! (starts poking Otacon)
Otacon: Ow! Quit it!
Speakerphone: Numero seven, we have Raiden, who is one of the most homosexual people I have ever met. But, he could be useful on the field.
Raiden: Did you say nerd? (gets smacked on the head by everyone in the room)
Speakerphone: The eighth is Revolver Ocelot, who is both an expert gunman, and is often possessed by the spirit of Liquid Snake.
Ocelot: Just your friendly neighbour hood Dr. Shalashaska-
(undergoes spasms, fits and convulsions)
Liquid Ocelot: And Mr. GENETIC EXPERIMENTS! Ha ha ha ha!
Speakerphone: Neuf, we have Decoy Octopus, a master of disguise.
Decoy: (still dressed as Elmo) No one can tell who I really am...
(Bert and Ernie run in)
Ernie: C'mon, Elmo! You have to come with us for our three-way shower to teach the kid the value of numerical superiority!
(Bert and Ernie drag off Decoy)
Speakerphone: X, it's Vulcan Raven, who is strong, huge, slow talking and can bust open more skin then a monkey in a banana forest.
Raven: That... was... a... terrible... metaphor...
Speakerphone: Eleventh is Sniper Wolf, who is a sniper and obsessed by wolves.
Sniper: That isn't made half obvious by my name...
Speakerphone: Douze, here is Psycho Mantis, a master of telepathy, telekinesis and also has the ugliest face ever.
Psycho Mantis: I never take of my mask, as my face is so very pixelated.
Speakerphone: Number thirteen is Vamp, who is a bisexual vampire.
Vamp: I'm thinking of cross-dressing and calling myself Mina Murray.
Speakerphone: The fourteenth is Fatman, who is a fat, and a proverbial mad bomber.
Fatman: Laugh and grow-
Speakerphone: That's enough out of you. The fifteenth is Otacon, a master of computers, technology and hacking.
Otacon: Call me Nemo.
Speakerphone: No. Sixteen is Rose Merry, who enjoys long walks on the beach, spaghetti and Cheez Whiz.
Rose: You know you waaaaaaaaaaant it.
Speakerphone: Seventeen, we have the master of the ocean depths. It's Semen!
Sea Man: IT'S SEA MAN!
Speakerphone: Lucky last is Grey Fox- a ninja, who wields a katana with deadly proficiency.
Grey Fox: I was in a musical!
Speakerphone: And that's it. NARRATOR!
(fade out; fade in to see a montage of pictures of all the agents. The Narrator does the voice over)
Narrator: In this exciting edition of The League, we have finally gathered all of the members! But what missions does the Colonel have in mind for them? What adventures shall they go on?! And why am I asking you all these questions anyway?! It's all going to be revealed in the next exciting issue of...
THE LEAGUE OF PRETTY UNORDINARY GENTLE MEN & WOMEN
A subsidiary of Viacom.