The following tale is a complete truth. And by that, I mean it's a lie. But it's an entertaining lie. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer... is no.
Notes: ... = thinking
And Otacons parrot can talk. If you don't remember this, then a certain skit won't make sense.
Disclaimer: If you want to read this, go back a chapter. Damn hippies.
Shade Wolf Enterprises and The American Cookie Council present...
The League Of Pretty Unordinary Gentle Men & Women
Based On An Idea In My Fucked Up Imagination
Directed by Simon Wolf
Gaffer - Brad Pitt
Best Boy - Harrison Ford
Water Boy - Patrick Swayzee
Guy Who Bought All The Dwarf Porn - Callum Moore
(screen fades to black; fade back to see the entire League, apart from Raiden, having a fancy dress party)
Snake: (dressed as Dante from Clerks) Where's Raiden?
Otacon: (dressed as a wizard) Why would I know?
Snake: Eh, I don't know. I'm not even supposed to be here today.
Fortune: (dressed as Oprah) Snake, we need to discuss your mental problems.
Vamp: (dressed as a paedophile; he is drinking a cup of blood) Mmm... blood goodness.
(Raiden walks in wearing a dominatrix outfit)
Emma: (dressed as a porn star) Hello...
Raiden: What's up guys. (looks at everyone) What's with the costumes?
Solidus: (dressed as Leonard Cohen) Uh, tonight is the 'get-to-know-everyone' costume party...
Raiden: (is shocked) Is that tonight?! (slaps his forehead) Holy shit! I completely forgot about that! I gotta go get my costume! (runs out, his butt exposed by two huge holes in the back of his pants)
Liquid: (dressed as one of The Twins from The Matrix Reloaded) That was arousing.
Decoy: (still dressed as Elmo) Yeah, well... I love women.
Ocelot: (dressed as Toshiro Minfune) That's right. Your favourite sexual position is 'man on top, Miss Piggy in magazine'.
(everyone laughs)
Speakerphone: (dressed as a cowboy) Good morning people.
Everyone: Good morning Colonel!
Speakerphone: Everyone, tomorrow is the day you begin some basic training. You will go through a series of missions, in groups of six. So, get plenty of rest.
Meryl: (dressed as Callista Flockhart) That's good.
(Raiden runs back in, wearing what appears to be a salad bar)
Raiden: Back!
Snake: Uh, why are you dressed as a salad bar?
Raiden: Duh! Because gay guys love the salad!
Snake: Whatever.
(Liquid walks over)
Liquid: Excuse me, Raiden?
Raiden: Yes?
Liquid: Do you mind if I... munch your croutons?
Raiden: You already know the answer.
Liquid: Great! (begins to eat the bowl of croutons on Raiden's costume)
Raiden: Oh, oh yeah, work the salad!
(fade out; fade in to see everyone in their normal clothing and in front of the speakerphone)
Speakerphone: Alright ladies, here are your grouping for today. Group one will consist of Fortune, Solid Snake, Liquid Snake, Vulcan Raven, Fatman and Rose. If your name was read out, please go into the room next to this one.
(Fortune, Snake, Liquid, Raven, Fatman and Rose walk out of the room)
Speakerphone: Group two is Emma, Raiden, Decoy Octopus, Vamp, Sea Man and Grey Fox. Go into the room after that.
(they all walk out)
Speakerphone: And the rest of you as well. Get out of here and into room 3.
(fade out; fade in to see Snake and Fortune next to each other)
Fortune: (to Snake) Heya!
Snake: Must not stare at her rack. Must maintain eye contact... Mmm, snack trays!
Fortune: Excuse me?
Snake: Oh, you know, it's a fairly crude term for 'melons'- eeeeeeep! You fool! Think before you speak!
Fortune: Really? I hadn't heard of that one before. Must be a local term that grew out of the farming traditions here.
Snake: Yes! Agriculture! That's exactly what I was thinking of and definitely not some of the most interesting parts of the female anatomy.
(pause)
Fortune: Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay... I'm going over to talk to Rose now...
Snake: Wait! Will I ever talk to you again?
Fortune: Oh, you know, since I'm a member of a secret organization that has plans to lay waste to the world then begin a new society based upon the rulings of a small group of high ranking officials in the previously mentioned organization, it's likely that we'll talk again.
(pause)
Fortune: But I probably shouldn't have told you all that just now.
Snake: I'm sorry, what? I haven't heard I word you said 'cause I was staring at your gazongas.
(fade out; fade in to see Raiden, Grey Fox and Decoy Octopus)
British Voice From Next Door : I'm really not gay!
Decoy: (to Grey Fox) Well, I have to admit, those boots were starting to make me wonder.
Fox: Huh? What are you talking about?
Decoy: You know, your boots. They're a little... that way.
Raiden: Elmo has a point. If I didn't know any better, I'd say they were... you know.
Fox: No, I don't.
Raiden: They look like elf shoes to me... (compares a picture of Legolas' boots to Fox's boots) Yep. Very elfish.
Decoy: Well, that's not exactly what I meant, but those tree-hugging hippy bastards are about five minutes from it, I'll tell you that.
Fox: I'll have you know-
British Voice From Next Door: I'm not gay!
Decoy: (to Fox) No one SAID you were, fruity.
Fox: Quiet!
Decoy: Ooh, now you're being catty.
Fox: Shh!
Decoy: Reeowr, hiss!
(fade out; fade in to see Revolver Ocelot aiming his pistol at Solidus, the latter having his back turned)
Ocelot: (shaking) must... resist... must not... give in to... total... Patriotism...
(Otacon walks up)
Otacon: Hey Ocelot, are you okay?
Ocelot: (stops shaking and puts gun back into holster) Just resisting urges.
Otacon: Yeah, I know how THAT is. Especially at this time of year.
Ocelot: I don't even know what that means. Or what it could be in reference to.
Otacon: Err, well... you see... um... (turns around and looks over at Vamp, who has just walked into the room) I'd love to explain it to you, but here comes Vamp!
Ocelot: He's at the other end of the room. You could be explaining now.
(Vamp walks over)
Vamp: You don't want to know, Ocelot. Anyway, when can we leave these rooms? They smells of little boys. And not in a good way.
Otacon: How can that be a good smell?
Vamp: Well, you see... here comes Mantis!
Otacon: TELL ME!
Vamp: No!
Otacon: Asshole! (leaps onto Vamp and they start fighting)
Solidus: (turns around) Hey, Mantis.
Mantis: Yeah?
Solidus: I bet you that the fight lasts five minutes.
Mantis: It seems irrelevant to bet with me, as I already know the result, but bet accepted! I'm betting on more then five minutes!
(as the fight rages on, Solidus and Mantis start yelling at Otacon and Vamp)
Mantis: Go ten! Go ten!
Solidus: I was always more of a Gohan guy.
Mantis: Huh?
Solidus: I mean, go five!
(time passes...)
Mantis: It's been 4 minutes, Solidus. Getting nervous?
Solidus: No way!
(Snake pops his head in the door)
Snake: Guys, I just phoned the homophobic police chief and told him a pair of thirty-something NAMBLA members were cat fighting in this room over who could take home more pre-teen lads from the afterschool crowd. He mentioned something about wanting to try out some new riot gear.
(Snake exits, Vamp and Otacon freeze, and Mantis and Solidus look at each other)
Solidus: (to Mantis) He wasn't talking about US, was he?
(fade out; fade in to see Snake and Liquid sitting around on the floor)
Liquid: (reading a newspaper backwards) Let's see... tele-marketing, sewer-scraping, toilet cleaner...
Snake: Why the hell are you reading that thing backwards?! What are you, Japanese?
Liquid: I read it front-to-back already, now I'm reading it back-to-front to see if I missed anything... human guineapig, radio host, neurologist... Who the hell advertises for a neurologist in the wanted ads?!
Snake: (dawns on him) Wait, you're quitting the League?! I hope you're looking for two jobs in there, because I'm not going through this hell alone!
Liquid: I'm not quitting, I'm seeking additional employment.
Snake: Let me get this straight, you want TWO JOBS?! What kind of heinous sin in a previous life are trying to make up for?!
(pause)
Snake: You were a child molester, weren't you?
Liquid: Listen, if you hadn't noticed, this job in the League ain't exactly a 50-60 'K' a year gig. In fact, I'm not even sure that the Colonel is even going to pay us with money!
Snake: Eh, as long as he pays us, I'm good.
Liquid: What if he pays you with nude pictures of Raiden. Already used.
Snake: How can you use a picture… (dawns on him) That's sick.
Liquid: Moving back, listen to you! "TWO JOBS?!" As if the concept is beyond your grasp!
Snake: Hey, I don't even want one job, let alone two. Unless the two jobs in question were a BLOW job and a HAND job!
(pause)
Snake: Wait, that doesn't really work. Why would I want a hand job on top of a blowjob?
Liquid: Seeing as my further involvement in this conversation is no longer required, I'm going to go back to looking for a job.
(Fatman walks up)
Snake: NO! I GOT IT! Ready? *ahem* Unless the two jobs in question were a RIM job and a blowjob!
(Liquid realises that Fatman is standing there listening to the entire thing. His eyes widen and his jaw drops)
Snake: Yep, a sweet, sweet rim job and a POWER-SUCK blowjob would do me fine just about now. (grins, and notices Fatman. His jaw drops as well)
Fatman: Well don't look at me! I'm not going to rim him or blow him! (he walks off)
(pause)
Snake: AND WHY THE HELL NOT, MIGHT I ASK?!
Liquid: God... if you left me alone for one minute, it would be pleasure!
(Rose walks over and sits next to them)
Rose: Speaking of pleasure, you know those mobile phones that vibrate. (she pulls one out, and hits a button so it vibrates) I found one that somebody had lost, and in desperation I inserted it, longways, in... you know, my most "private" place. And guess what? It hasn't rung ONCE! Just my luck to find a vibrating phone belonging to someone with no friends.
(pause)
Snake: You're making me hard here.
(a speakerphone drops from the ceiling)
Speakerphone: Group one, report to the VR simulation centre now.
Snake: Finally. I'm gone.
(Group one exit and go to the VR room where they hook up. Suddenly, they are inside a womens dormitory, and Fortune holds a bit of paper)
Fortune: (reading aloud) 'Your mission is to retrieve the files located in the commander's office. You cannot be captured, or the simulation will end and I, the Colonel, will personally put you through some harsh Thai-stick action.'
Snake: Oh shit. I hear footsteps!
(camera moves over to see two soldiers outside the door into the womens barracks- one has a lieutenants markings)
Lieutenant: I demand to know what's going on in there! And this time, I'm NOT looking for the hot "girl on girl" action answer.
Soldier: But it is certainly an acceptable answer!
British Voice From Inside: Here, put this on!
Gravelly Voice From Inside: Hurry, there's no time!
Inuit Voice From Inside: Aww... fuck...
Raspy Voice From Inside: Lock the door! Lock the door!
Soldier: Those sounded like men's voices, sir.
Lieutenant: We'll see about that! (tries to open the door) Open this door! I DEMAND to be allowed inside!
British Voice From Inside: I think he's gone.
Gravelly Voice From Inside: Shhhh!
(Soldier turns around and salutes)
Lieutenant: I want to know what's going on in there, and I want to know right NOW!
(a female commanding officer walks behind the Lieutenant)
Commander: (to Soldier) At ease. However, it would seem that the Lieutenant has some explaining to do.
Lieutenant: Err, Commander Sullivan, I can explain, REALLY.
Commander: I'm sure you can. Let us hope that it is a logical explanation.
Soldier: It's all quite simple really. Lieutenant just wanted to know what was going on in the ladies' barracks.
(pause)
Commander: Why am I not surprised? This is the THIRD time this month, Lieutenant.
Lieutenant: (to Soldier) You are so being demoted to mop-boy.
Commander: My girls are doing target practice in the shooting range. Much to the Lieutenant's chagrin, the barracks are empty.
Lieutenant: Impossible! We heard a great commotion in here all the way from Security Station Alpha! And, might I add, we heard voices in here just before your arrival!
Commander: If it is as you say, then we should inspect the barracks from infiltrators. (moves over to the door and pulls out a key card) I'll just open the door here...
British Voice From Inside: Run!
Gravelly Voice From Inside: Where?!
Inuit Voice From Inside: Hide!
Raspy Voice From Inside: WHERE?!
(Commander, Lieutenant and Soldier enter, and see the group of six standing in the middle of the rooms. However, all of them are now wearing long dresses with bras and panties underneath)
Commander: Why aren't you girls with the others? Why are you wearing casual dress instead of battle gear? And why don't any of you look familiar in the slightest?!
Rose: The answer is quite simple. We're... NEW. Yeah. New recruits. That's us. Yep.
Commander: New recruits? Even though as commander of this entire base I made no request for additional personnel, have received no prior word of your arrival, and have no room for you here in any case?
Rose: ... Yes!
Lieutenant: There's something very strange about them. Someone should keep an eye on these girls for reasons of security.
Commander: I could not agree more.
Lieutenant: Therefore, we will need a watchman unmatched in his knowledge of the security of our base. Someone bold, handsome and daring. It is for these very loyal and non-selfish reasons that I nominate-
Commander: Finishing that sentence would be a waste of my breath as my answer is going to be "no".
Lieutenant: Aww nuts.
Commander: There is only one way to find the real truth. INTERROGATION! (talking to the group) What are your names?
Rose: Err... our names? I'm Rose.
Fortune: I'm Fortune.
Snake: Solid Snakeina.
Fatman: Fatmanria.
Raven: Vulcan Ravenica.
Liquid: And I'm Sharon.
Commander: Hmm... (to Lieutenant and Soldier) Well, those are girls' names. Their story checks out. Let's go. (to the group) You six, I expect you to be in full battle-dress and down at the shooting range in five minutes.
Rose, Fortune, Snake, Liquid, Raven and Fatman: YES MA'AM!
Lieutenant: There IS something unusual about those girls. (looks at Fatman) Especially the cute one! I hope to see a lot more of her. NAKED, that is.
(Lieutenant, Commander and Soldier exit, and close the door behind them)
(everyone looks at Liquid)
Liquid: Don't look at me like that. I've always thought Sharon was a pretty name.
Snake: Let's try to ignore Liquids transvestite urges and get those goddamn files.
Liquid: I am secure enough in my own sexual identity and orientation that I can ignore your base and inflammatory remarks, Snake. In fact, I won't even dignify your infantile statement with a response.
Fatman: That one soldier was looking at me kinda funny.
Rose: Look, we bought ourselves some time. If we can make it to the commander's office, then I'm sure this simulation will be over.
Snake: NO! We have to explore this entire base! We'll have so much fun as we're whisked away on an adventure that bends space and time and gender roles! No more itchy, pinchy confining sneaking suits for me! NO! I'm free! (starts waving his arms around) I'm flying, mom, flying! You can't stop me now!
(long pause)
Snake: What? You try wearing a sneaking suit all day long. These dresses are quite comfortable in comparison. Besides, my ass has never looked so good! Mmm!
Raven: He... does... have... a... point...
Fortune: Can we just get out of here, into the commanders office and kill everything in our way? Please?
Snake: Sounds good to me. So, where IS this office?
Rose: No idea.
(Liquid pulls out a book with 'Learn Your ABCs' on the cover)
Liquid: I'm sure this Secret Base Tourist Information Book will help us! (Liquid starts reading)
Rose: Should we say anything?
Liquid: Guys! I've got something! Apparently, "A" is for "apple". "B" is still a mystery, but my hopes are high that the NEXT page will shed some light on the subject.
Snake: Let me talk to him. (pulls out SOCOM) The only way I know how. (to Liquid) That's not an Information Guide. And in any case, I doubt one would have information to find the office where all the bases secret files are kept.
Liquid: (still reading) Hmm. I was hoping "B" would be for "Base Commanders Office". But no such luck. I'm afraid it's "boy".
Snake: (aims SOCOM) You leave me precious little alternative. And I thank you for it.
(Fatman, Vulcan, Rose and Fortune hold Snakes gun down and keep him from moving)
Rose: We don't have time for a shoot-fest!
Snake: JUST ONE! I DESERVE THAT MUCH, DAMN YOU!
Rose: Okay, if you can behave yourself from now on, when we exit the VR you can shoot him once.
Snake: Now that's what I call incentive! I can do it, no problem.
Liquid: (still reading) Damn it. "C" is for "cow". I really wish it had been for "Current Objective File's Location"
(pause)
Snake: GODDAMN IT! (pulls up SOCOM) PREPARE FOR 47 BULLETS!
(Snake opens fire and keeps on going, spilling red liquid all over the place, until he collapses to the ground)
Snake: 45... too... exhausted... to fire... remaining two shots... feel free to indulge yourselves...
Liquid: Wow! Snake managed to burst every ketchup packet I was holding! (to Snake) Those things are hard to find unless you go to a fast food joint. Jerk!
(fade out; fade in to see everyone getting out of the VR)
Rose: Wow, Fatman! That was amazing how you got us away from that horde of guards with only a toothpick, a Snickers bar and Snakes pubic hair!
Fatman: Thanks.
Snake: Yeah, good job, fat boy.
Liquid: What about me?
Raven: What... about... you... Sharon?
(everyone laughs but Liquid)
Fortune: Man, getting zinged by Raven. That has to suck.
Liquid: I saved all of our lives from that hilarious talking bear!
Snake: Yeah, but you're never going to live down 'Sharon'.
(fade out; fade in to see Vamp rubbing his back on the floor. Emma walks up)
Emma: What are you doing?
Vamp: I've got an itch.
Emma: Hmm?
Vamp: I've got an itch, and I can't reach it.
Emma: Did you try rubbing up and down against a window frame?
Vamp: Yeah.
Emma: And...?
Vamp: I fell out the window. ARGH! This itch, it's driving me fucking mad!
Emma: So?
Vamp: So, do you think you could possibly... scratch it for me?
Emma: Fuck off.
Vamp: What?
Emma: Well, it always starts like this, doesn't it? You start by asking me to scratch your back, then you roll over and ask me to scratch your front. The next thing I know you've got an enormous erection and you start drooling like a bloodthirsty vampire!
Vamp: I am bloodthirsty vampire.
Emma: Well, I'm not falling for it this time. If you've got an itch, find someone else to scratch it for you.
Vamp: But I've only got short arms.
Emma: Grow your fingernails.
Vamp: I'll pay you.
Emma: With what?
(pause)
Vamp: Oreos?
Emma: If you think I'm going to play with your penis for a couple of chocolate biscuits with a cream filling, you a very much mistaken.
Vamp: So, what do you do if you get an itch?
Emma: I scratch them myself.
Vamp: What about the ones you can't reach?
Emma: After all the yoga I have done, there is no part of my body I can't reach. That's how I keep myself so spotlessly clean. I'm even able to reach every square inch of my body with my tongue.
(pause)
Vamp: Now... you know what I'm going to say next, don't you.
Emma: Yes.
Vamp: So, there's not actually any need for me to say it, is there?
Emma: No.
(pause)
Vamp: So, you won't scratch my back, then?
Emma: No.
(fade out; fade in to see Meryl frantically searching the room)
Meryl: (to Solidus) Hey! Limp dick! You seen my pills?
Solidus: No, I haven't seen your tablets.
Meryl: Are you sure? Because if you have, and you're not telling me, I'm going to put a skewer through your dick.
Solidus: You're not very good in the mornings, are you?
Meryl: So, have you seen them?
Solidus: A long-term dependence on prescription drugs can actually be more harmful than beneficial, according to a report in my magazine.
Meryl: Really? I wasn't aware that Slutty Whore Pussies Monthly was a medical publication.
Solidus: Hey, I'll have you know that's a quality read.
Meryl: It's a jerk off mag!
Solidus: So?
Meryl: It's not like it carries any kind of intelligent editorial.
Solidus: Yes it does...
Meryl: Where? In-between pictures of Miss Mega Muff and Sally Super Snatch?
Solidus: Actually, it focuses on a number of important issues.
Meryl: What's important about seeing a couple of reader's wives being done up the ass with a baseball bat?
Solidus: Well, it's important to me...
(fade out; fade in to see Decoy and Emma)
Emma: What?
Decoy: I was wondering if you wouldn't mind helping me out?
Emma: How?
Decoy: Only, I've asked the others and they all said no.
Emma: Go on...
Decoy: Well, I need to slice open your throat with a big carving knife, drain all the blood out of your body, and then offer you up as a willing sacrifice to the Dark Lord of The Universe?
Emma: Can I have a few moments to think about it?
Decoy: Sure. Take as long as you like.
Emma: Hmmmmm. No.
Decoy: Fair enough. There's no point trying to force you. 'Cause you have to be a "willing" sacrifice, you see?
Emma: Yes.
Decoy: Well, thanks anyway. Sorry to bother you.
Emma: Don't mention it.
(Decoy begins to walk over to Raiden, but stops)
Decoy: (to Emma) I don't suppose you'd just let me carve out your liver and feast upon it?
Emma: What on earth for?
Decoy: I haven't had a bite since breakfast. I'm bloody starving...
(speakerphone drops down from the ceiling)
Speakerphone: Group two, report to the VR area now!
Raiden: Yay!
Sea Man: What? You don't like pizza?
(fade out; fade in to see the members of group two being placed in the VR arena. They're in a huge stadium, with a huge crowd watching)
Fox: What the fuck?
(a piece of paper falls down in front of Emma)
Emma: (reading aloud) 'In this exercise, you will have to use your powers of persuasion and improvisation to make it through five rounds of intense questions! If you fail, I'll personally attach you all, apart from Emma, to a machine that will rip off a pube an hour off your nut-sack until you're shorn like sheep. Then it will castrate you.'
Vamp: Ouch.
Decoy: Ok, when does the questioning begin?!
(a large man runs over)
Man: Right now! Your first task is to create one of the most perverted, yet naive, stories you can think of.
Raiden: Did you say nerd?
(everyone smacks Raiden over the head)
Emma: Ok... Grey Fox!
Fox: Ok... (thinks) Ok, after this me and Decoy are going to lay a couple of chicks we met at this new club called 'Manholes'.
Decoy: This doesn't sound good.
Fox: Anyway, these chicks are kinda big, with the hugest HANDS I ever seen on a lady, but they've been sweating me and Decoy pretty hard, and even though they wouldn't let me touch their hair-pie, I could tell they were probably wet- because there was the BIGGEST BULGE I've ever seen under the chick's miniskirt.
Sea Man: (holding back vomit) Oh god...
Fox: But I figure it's just gotta be a big puddle of chick-jizz gathered in there like a pamper!
Man: That was awful. You pass the first round!
(Man runs off, and an old man hobbles on)
Old Man: To pass this second round, you must answer me these questions three!
Raiden: Ok!
Old Man: WHAT... is your name?!
Raiden: Uh... Raiden?
Old Man: Very good. WHAT... is your favourite colour?!
Raiden: Pink.
Old Man: And finally, WHAT... is the average flight speed of a coconut laden swallow?!
Raiden: Umm... is this a Monty Python reference?
Old Man: Damn! You guessed right! (he flies up and out of the arena)
(a sexy woman walks on)
Fox, Decoy, Vamp and Sea Man: Awoooogah!
Sexy Woman: Sorry boys, but it's time for the Lightning Round.
(the entire group, apart from Emma, get zapped with a bolt of lightning)
Fox, Decoy, Raiden, Vamp and Sea Man: Oh god... the pain!
Sexy Woman: Good job, boys. You made it to round 4! (she walks off)
(a giant frog hops over)
Giant Frog: *ribbit* You have to kiss me to win this round *ribbit*
Sea Man: Well, I'm glad that that Lightning Round is over. (he gets zapped) ARGH! Oh... now I get it... (looks up) I sure hope there isn't an ice-cream round! (he gets zapped again)
Emma: Jesus, I guess I have to kiss the frog. (she kisses the frog; the frog turns into a rock) Huh... that was pointless.
Voice: But you made it to the final round!
Raiden: Who said that?!
(Shade walks on)
Shade: I DID!
Emma: The author?!
Fox: That talentless fuck?
Shade: Quiet, you. Now then, to win this round, you must answer one simple question... about me.
Decoy: Is the answer 'you'?
Shade: (looks at a cue card) Actually, it is. DAMMIT FADE!
Fade: You interrupted me playing Dynasty Warriors!
Shade: Fuck-tard...
(the group get sent back into reality)
Emma: Great!
Shade: You know it.
Decoy: Wait, why are you still here?!
Shade: Uh... because... (throws some dust at Decoys face) AMNESIA DUST, HA!
(Decoy is covered in white powder)
Decoy: What is this, talcum powder? You got it all over me! Thanks a lot, asshole.
Shade: Huh? But I got it at a very high quality store!
(cut to a store with a sign saying "AKBARS DISCOUNT AMNESIA DUST! Not talcum powder!")
Akbar: Sucker!
(cut back to the group)
Shade: Oh well. Gotta go! (throws down a smoke bomb- the smoke goes away almost instantly) Hmm... that was supposed to last a lot longer... oh well, no more discount ninja supply stores for me! (walks off)
(everyone goes to room one)
(fade out; fade in to see Snake spreading shit all over the walls)
Snake: A little more there... dum de dum..
(Fox walks over)
Snake: Hey, Fox.
Fox: What the hell are you doing?
Snake: Well, if you must know, it's a protest. A sort of political act.
Fox: Oh?
Snake: (proudly) I am covering the walls with my own faeces.
Fox: So, what's different?
Snake: What do you mean?
Fox: Well, aren't you always covering the walls with your own shit. You normally call it "going to the toilet".
Snake: My personal hygiene is beyond reproach! I'll have you know, I went through an entire roll of toilet paper last year.
Fox: I stand corrected. How many rolls did you use during the nineteen eighties?
Snake: I don't remember. Five? No... I tell a lie... six.
Fox: And how many boxes of man-sized tissues do you go through every week?
Snake: Fifty-three.
Fox: I don't get it!
Snake: It's a different discipline.
Fox: What is your protest concerning?
Snake: Animal experiments.
Fox: Oh.
Snake: Yeah, I was using some shampoo last week, and it really burnt my eyes. Goddamn stuff should have been tested first.
Fox: Tested on what?
Snake: Rabbits of course! Nothing potentially poisonous, hazardous or corrosive should be put into the shops without first being put into the eyes of baby rabbits!
(Fox stares into space for a moment, then...)
Fox: I am going to kill myself.
(fade out; fade in to see Vamp pleading with Liquid)
Liquid: Where exactly is this itch?
Vamp: How many times do I have to tell you, dickhead? It's on my back!
Liquid: Where?
Vamp: Right in the middle.
Liquid: Why don't you scratch it yourself?
Vamp: I can't.
Liquid: Why not?
Vamp: I can't reach it.
(pause)
Liquid: Why not?
Vamp: My arms are too short.
(pause)
Liquid: Why?
Vamp: I don't know why. Maybe it's something to do with evolution and natural selection.
Liquid: Have you been watching Animal Planet again?
Vamp: Look, my back is itching, I can't reach it, will you scratch it for me?
(pause)
Liquid: (cheerfully) Fuck off and die!
Vamp: You sadistic bastard!
Liquid: Why don't you rub your back up and down against the window frame?
Vamp: I tried that.
Liquid: What happened?
Vamp: I fell out the window.
Liquid: What about using an abrasive object with something sharp and pointed at one end?
Vamp: Brilliant idea... I'll use Otacons parrot.
(fade out; fade in to see Vamp and the parrot talking)
Vamp: Oh come on, feather dick.
Parrot: I'm not doing it!
Vamp: I'm not asking you for a martini and a blowjob. I just want you to scratch my back. It's driving me insane! It's ... right... in... the middle... here.... (indicates the itchy spot on his back)
Parrot: Why do you want me to do it?
Vamp: Because, you are equipped with one of creation's great natural back scratchers.
(pause)
Parrot: My penis?
Vamp: Your beak, you idiot! A billion years of evolution and selective breeding has chosen to give you a big, pointy thing on the front of your face.
Parrot: Have you been watching Animal Planet again?
Vamp: I wish people would stop asking me that. You have a multi-purpose, custom-designed tool for preening, and grooming, and cleaning... And for digging nuts out of their shells, and for... getting little stones out of horses hooves...
Parrot: Are you sure you're not thinking of a Swiss Army Knife?
Vamp: Hmm... Maybe I am. What are you again?
Parrot: A parrot.
Vamp: So I couldn't, for example, use you for getting a cork out of a bottle of wine.
Parrot: No.
Vamp: Or for whittling a small piece of driftwood into the shape of a tiny ship…
Parrot: No.
Vamp: And then inserting it into a very small bottle.
(pause)
Parrot: No. (pause) You might be able to use my beak to clip your toenails…
Vamp: (angry to the point of explosion) Will you PLEASE scratch my FUCKING back?!
Parrot: No.
Vamp: Right!
Parrot: No!
(Vamp grabs the parrot and starts using it to scratch his back)
Parrot: ARGH! STOP IT YOU FUCKING C*NT!
Vamp: Mm. Oh! Ah! Mmmmm! Yes! Yes! Ahhh!
(fade out; fade in to see Vamp and Snake taking a nap, when...)
Parrot: Uuuooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh! Uuuooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh! Uuuooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!
(pause)
Parrot: Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh!
Vamp: (wakes up) Oh, for fuck's sake! Alright, I'm sorry I used you to scratch my back!!
(long pause)
Parrot: Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh!
Vamp: And I'm sorry I used you to wipe my bottom.
Parrot: Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh!
Vamp: And I'm really, really sorry I flushed you down the toilet afterwards.
(long pause)
Parrot: Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh!
Snake: (waking up) That's it... (opens fire on the parrot- blood flies everywhere)
Parrot: Jesus, Snake! You managed to shoot every single bag of blood I was going to donate to the local hospital! Thanks a lot, shithead.
Snake: If I had the energy, I would cry.
(fade out; fade in to see Mantis, Solidus, Ocelot, Meryl, Wolf and Otacon hooking into the VR)
Otacon: Here we go...
(they are suddenly standing on an invisible surface. Everything around them is black)
Meryl: What the hell?
Solidus: (looks down and sees a note. He picks it up and reads it out) 'Group 3, due to the fact the author has no more money to pay out to everyone who sues him, he can't rip off anything. Man I hate that government-cheese-eating fuck...'
Wolf: That's kind of a rip.
Ocelot: So... what do we do now?
Mantis: Cliché "wackiness"?
(Blink 182 run on)
Blink 182: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
(Mr. T pops up)
Mr. T: I'm Mr.T! And I'm in a Metal Gear fanfic! It's funny cause it's not what you would expect! I pity da foo' what don't think this is hilarious.
(a large pie, with legs, pops up)
Pie: I am pie! Pie is wacky- especially with legs! If I weren't me, I'd be eating me right now! WACKY!
Ocelot: I love you, Miss Wolf! (he and Wolf start making out)
Otacon: (rubs head) Huh...
(Ronin Syaoran pops up)
Ronin: This fan fiction is inferior to my epic ninja... uh... epic.
(Mantis and Solidus start talking)
Mantis: Solidus, why are you my friend?
Solidus: Because I'm a masochist.
Mantis: No, I mean how come we never took our relationship to the next level?
Solidus: What are you talking about you fool. I'm a man.
Mantis: You're a guy? Really? Why didn't you ever tell me?
Solidus: I was hoping that my genitals would speak for themselves.
Mantis: That's a disturbing mental picture. Man, I can't believe I wasted all those hours trying to woo you.
Solidus: You were trying to "woo" me?! (pause) Please say it was only metaphorically.
Mantis: Boy that J.Lo is hot. You know what I like? Women.
Solidus: I'm going to be sick.
Mantis: Well at least now you won't be violated.
(long pause)
Solidus: I really think there's something wrong with me.
Mantis: I've been telling myself that since we first met.
Solidus: No, really, something isn't right.
Mantis: Maybe you should see an ichthyologist.
Solidus: It's like an essential piece of my life is missing and I don't know where to find it.
Mantis: Have you tried eBay?
Solidus: This is serious. What would you do if I died from it?
Mantis: I'd eat your corpse.
(pause)
Solidus: Well, at least my life won't be a complete waste.
Mantis: Actually, after a few hours of digestion...
Solidus: Ok, now you've gone too far.
Mantis: Brings a whole new meaning to the term "final destination", doesn't it?
(fade out; fade in to see everyone amassed in the big room. The Colonel walks in)
Colonel: Good afternoon, ladies.
Raiden: Good afternoon, Colonel!
Snake: Wow, he actually shows up.
Colonel: Oh, I'm just here to prelude your final test...
Fox: Huh?
Colonel: Yes, tremble before the might of my monster!
(the lights go off- everything is black)
Colonel: It is a fierce chimera, a patchwork demon composed of the most gruesome and deadly elements of a bakers dozen of horrible nightmare creatures.
(a distant *thump* is heard)
Colonel: Its behemoth claws can tear a truck in two.
(another thump, this time closer)
Colonel: Its thorny carapace can withstand the most powerful missiles.
(closer...)
Colonel: It moves with the speed of lightning and strikes twice as hard.
(closer...)
Colonel: It breathes fire that drips with poison.
(closer!)
Colonel: And worst of all, it follows my every command. To put it simply, you're doomed.
(Not that close!)
Snake: Just ONCE I'd like to go through a fan fiction and not be doomed.
Raiden: It would be a change of pace.
Colonel: My big bad monster is going to kill you so fast it'll be mentioned in every science journal as a breakthrough in faster than light theory.
(I can smell its breath from the other side of the computer screen)
Colonel: And here it is now! Behold the glorious might of-
(a spotlight hits the floor, and everyone sees a platypus)
Colonel: WHAT THE FUCK?!
(Otacon walks over and picks it up by the tail)
Otacon: Hee hee! Look at him wiggle!
Colonel: There must be some mistake! I paid huge amounts of money for that monster!
Fatman: Wait, you PAID for a monster to kill us?!
Colonel: It seemed like such a good deal!
(cut to a store with a sign saying "AKBARS DISCOUNT KILLER MONSTER OUTLET! Not pathetic creatures!")
Akbar: Sucker!
(cut back to everyone)
Colonel: I was promised claws and an impossible biology!
Meryl: Well, a quick look over shows that it has little claws, probably for burrowing, and a duck-billed MAMMAL is impossible enough for me.
Colonel: What about the poison and the fire?!
Fortune: He appears to have little poison barbs on his hind legs.
(pause)
Fortune: There's also a bottle of vodka and a lighter attached to his soft underbelly.
Colonel: Shit... I guess you guys pass the final test.
Everyone But Colonel: YES!
Colonel: But that doesn't mean that you will escape the acid pit!
(everyone but the Colonel is suddenly suspended by the feet, with rope, over a pit of acid)
Fatman: Funny. If I had a toothpick, a Snickers bar and another batch of Snakes pubic hair, I could get us out of here in less then a minute.
Raiden: So, why is the Colonel trying to kill us?
Snake: You were at the Big Shell. He went insane like this before.
Rose: (like a drone) I'm flying, Jack...
Shade: Get it? Jack and Rose? Titanic?! THE TWO MAIN CHARACTERS?! Good god, I'm hilarious!
Decoy: Dude, why in Gods name would you rent that film?
Shade: It came highly recommended from a very high-quality video store!
(cut to a store with a sign saying "AKBARS HIGH QUALITY VIDEO RENTRALS! Not shit movies!")
Akbar: Sucker!
(cut back to everyone)
Colonel: Prepare to be dropped! (he cuts the cords that hold the people up- they fall into the vat of acid)
(everyone is covered in the liquid)
Emma: Umm, it's awfully STICKY for acid...
Vamp: And not... what's the word?
Fortune: Acidic?
Vamp: Yeah.
Colonel: Oh yeah. It's just Mountain Dew.
Mantis: (hasn't even touched the Dew, he's floating an inch above it) You didn't get real acid?
Colonel: Well, I'd rather buy Mountain Dew from a place that was honest about it.
(cut to a store with a sign saying "MOHAMMEDS MOUNTAIN DEW!"
Mohammed: Another satisfied customer!
(cut back)
Mantis: And what other alternative was there?
Colonel: I could've bought it at a store that was entirely dishonest about it's dealings.
(cut to a store with a sign saying "AKBARS DISCOUNT ACID! Not Mountain Dew!")
Akbar: What?
(cut back to everyone)
Colonel: Yeah, well, you passed. Next time your mission actually begins.
Snake: Will it involve Moriarty? Or Sean Connery?
Colonel: Maybe...
NARRATOR: In this exciting episode of The League, they went through hell. But next time they actually get to do some real killing! Will Akbar sell them faulty goods? Will Michael J. Fox ever look like he's older then 18? And why in Gods name does Fatmans escape plan involves Snakes pubes?! You probably won't find out in the next episode of...
THE LEAGUE OF PRETTY UNORDINARY GENTLE MEN & WOMEN
A subsidiary of Viacom.
And now for the random Sean Connery question of the day, with a rebuttal from that Government-cheese-eating fuck, Shade...
Shade: So, Sean, what's it like acting in movies?
Sean: "Well it certainly beats my average day. Reading philosophy, avoiding gang rape in the washrooms... Though that seems to be less of a problem these days. Maybe I'm losing my sex appeal." (NOTE: This is an actual quote from one of Sean's movies. Don't ask me which)
Shade: Very true.
That was our...
RANDOM SEAN CONNERY QUESTION OF THE DAY!
Notes: ... = thinking
And Otacons parrot can talk. If you don't remember this, then a certain skit won't make sense.
Disclaimer: If you want to read this, go back a chapter. Damn hippies.
Shade Wolf Enterprises and The American Cookie Council present...
The League Of Pretty Unordinary Gentle Men & Women
Based On An Idea In My Fucked Up Imagination
Directed by Simon Wolf
Gaffer - Brad Pitt
Best Boy - Harrison Ford
Water Boy - Patrick Swayzee
Guy Who Bought All The Dwarf Porn - Callum Moore
(screen fades to black; fade back to see the entire League, apart from Raiden, having a fancy dress party)
Snake: (dressed as Dante from Clerks) Where's Raiden?
Otacon: (dressed as a wizard) Why would I know?
Snake: Eh, I don't know. I'm not even supposed to be here today.
Fortune: (dressed as Oprah) Snake, we need to discuss your mental problems.
Vamp: (dressed as a paedophile; he is drinking a cup of blood) Mmm... blood goodness.
(Raiden walks in wearing a dominatrix outfit)
Emma: (dressed as a porn star) Hello...
Raiden: What's up guys. (looks at everyone) What's with the costumes?
Solidus: (dressed as Leonard Cohen) Uh, tonight is the 'get-to-know-everyone' costume party...
Raiden: (is shocked) Is that tonight?! (slaps his forehead) Holy shit! I completely forgot about that! I gotta go get my costume! (runs out, his butt exposed by two huge holes in the back of his pants)
Liquid: (dressed as one of The Twins from The Matrix Reloaded) That was arousing.
Decoy: (still dressed as Elmo) Yeah, well... I love women.
Ocelot: (dressed as Toshiro Minfune) That's right. Your favourite sexual position is 'man on top, Miss Piggy in magazine'.
(everyone laughs)
Speakerphone: (dressed as a cowboy) Good morning people.
Everyone: Good morning Colonel!
Speakerphone: Everyone, tomorrow is the day you begin some basic training. You will go through a series of missions, in groups of six. So, get plenty of rest.
Meryl: (dressed as Callista Flockhart) That's good.
(Raiden runs back in, wearing what appears to be a salad bar)
Raiden: Back!
Snake: Uh, why are you dressed as a salad bar?
Raiden: Duh! Because gay guys love the salad!
Snake: Whatever.
(Liquid walks over)
Liquid: Excuse me, Raiden?
Raiden: Yes?
Liquid: Do you mind if I... munch your croutons?
Raiden: You already know the answer.
Liquid: Great! (begins to eat the bowl of croutons on Raiden's costume)
Raiden: Oh, oh yeah, work the salad!
(fade out; fade in to see everyone in their normal clothing and in front of the speakerphone)
Speakerphone: Alright ladies, here are your grouping for today. Group one will consist of Fortune, Solid Snake, Liquid Snake, Vulcan Raven, Fatman and Rose. If your name was read out, please go into the room next to this one.
(Fortune, Snake, Liquid, Raven, Fatman and Rose walk out of the room)
Speakerphone: Group two is Emma, Raiden, Decoy Octopus, Vamp, Sea Man and Grey Fox. Go into the room after that.
(they all walk out)
Speakerphone: And the rest of you as well. Get out of here and into room 3.
(fade out; fade in to see Snake and Fortune next to each other)
Fortune: (to Snake) Heya!
Snake: Must not stare at her rack. Must maintain eye contact... Mmm, snack trays!
Fortune: Excuse me?
Snake: Oh, you know, it's a fairly crude term for 'melons'- eeeeeeep! You fool! Think before you speak!
Fortune: Really? I hadn't heard of that one before. Must be a local term that grew out of the farming traditions here.
Snake: Yes! Agriculture! That's exactly what I was thinking of and definitely not some of the most interesting parts of the female anatomy.
(pause)
Fortune: Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay... I'm going over to talk to Rose now...
Snake: Wait! Will I ever talk to you again?
Fortune: Oh, you know, since I'm a member of a secret organization that has plans to lay waste to the world then begin a new society based upon the rulings of a small group of high ranking officials in the previously mentioned organization, it's likely that we'll talk again.
(pause)
Fortune: But I probably shouldn't have told you all that just now.
Snake: I'm sorry, what? I haven't heard I word you said 'cause I was staring at your gazongas.
(fade out; fade in to see Raiden, Grey Fox and Decoy Octopus)
British Voice From Next Door : I'm really not gay!
Decoy: (to Grey Fox) Well, I have to admit, those boots were starting to make me wonder.
Fox: Huh? What are you talking about?
Decoy: You know, your boots. They're a little... that way.
Raiden: Elmo has a point. If I didn't know any better, I'd say they were... you know.
Fox: No, I don't.
Raiden: They look like elf shoes to me... (compares a picture of Legolas' boots to Fox's boots) Yep. Very elfish.
Decoy: Well, that's not exactly what I meant, but those tree-hugging hippy bastards are about five minutes from it, I'll tell you that.
Fox: I'll have you know-
British Voice From Next Door: I'm not gay!
Decoy: (to Fox) No one SAID you were, fruity.
Fox: Quiet!
Decoy: Ooh, now you're being catty.
Fox: Shh!
Decoy: Reeowr, hiss!
(fade out; fade in to see Revolver Ocelot aiming his pistol at Solidus, the latter having his back turned)
Ocelot: (shaking) must... resist... must not... give in to... total... Patriotism...
(Otacon walks up)
Otacon: Hey Ocelot, are you okay?
Ocelot: (stops shaking and puts gun back into holster) Just resisting urges.
Otacon: Yeah, I know how THAT is. Especially at this time of year.
Ocelot: I don't even know what that means. Or what it could be in reference to.
Otacon: Err, well... you see... um... (turns around and looks over at Vamp, who has just walked into the room) I'd love to explain it to you, but here comes Vamp!
Ocelot: He's at the other end of the room. You could be explaining now.
(Vamp walks over)
Vamp: You don't want to know, Ocelot. Anyway, when can we leave these rooms? They smells of little boys. And not in a good way.
Otacon: How can that be a good smell?
Vamp: Well, you see... here comes Mantis!
Otacon: TELL ME!
Vamp: No!
Otacon: Asshole! (leaps onto Vamp and they start fighting)
Solidus: (turns around) Hey, Mantis.
Mantis: Yeah?
Solidus: I bet you that the fight lasts five minutes.
Mantis: It seems irrelevant to bet with me, as I already know the result, but bet accepted! I'm betting on more then five minutes!
(as the fight rages on, Solidus and Mantis start yelling at Otacon and Vamp)
Mantis: Go ten! Go ten!
Solidus: I was always more of a Gohan guy.
Mantis: Huh?
Solidus: I mean, go five!
(time passes...)
Mantis: It's been 4 minutes, Solidus. Getting nervous?
Solidus: No way!
(Snake pops his head in the door)
Snake: Guys, I just phoned the homophobic police chief and told him a pair of thirty-something NAMBLA members were cat fighting in this room over who could take home more pre-teen lads from the afterschool crowd. He mentioned something about wanting to try out some new riot gear.
(Snake exits, Vamp and Otacon freeze, and Mantis and Solidus look at each other)
Solidus: (to Mantis) He wasn't talking about US, was he?
(fade out; fade in to see Snake and Liquid sitting around on the floor)
Liquid: (reading a newspaper backwards) Let's see... tele-marketing, sewer-scraping, toilet cleaner...
Snake: Why the hell are you reading that thing backwards?! What are you, Japanese?
Liquid: I read it front-to-back already, now I'm reading it back-to-front to see if I missed anything... human guineapig, radio host, neurologist... Who the hell advertises for a neurologist in the wanted ads?!
Snake: (dawns on him) Wait, you're quitting the League?! I hope you're looking for two jobs in there, because I'm not going through this hell alone!
Liquid: I'm not quitting, I'm seeking additional employment.
Snake: Let me get this straight, you want TWO JOBS?! What kind of heinous sin in a previous life are trying to make up for?!
(pause)
Snake: You were a child molester, weren't you?
Liquid: Listen, if you hadn't noticed, this job in the League ain't exactly a 50-60 'K' a year gig. In fact, I'm not even sure that the Colonel is even going to pay us with money!
Snake: Eh, as long as he pays us, I'm good.
Liquid: What if he pays you with nude pictures of Raiden. Already used.
Snake: How can you use a picture… (dawns on him) That's sick.
Liquid: Moving back, listen to you! "TWO JOBS?!" As if the concept is beyond your grasp!
Snake: Hey, I don't even want one job, let alone two. Unless the two jobs in question were a BLOW job and a HAND job!
(pause)
Snake: Wait, that doesn't really work. Why would I want a hand job on top of a blowjob?
Liquid: Seeing as my further involvement in this conversation is no longer required, I'm going to go back to looking for a job.
(Fatman walks up)
Snake: NO! I GOT IT! Ready? *ahem* Unless the two jobs in question were a RIM job and a blowjob!
(Liquid realises that Fatman is standing there listening to the entire thing. His eyes widen and his jaw drops)
Snake: Yep, a sweet, sweet rim job and a POWER-SUCK blowjob would do me fine just about now. (grins, and notices Fatman. His jaw drops as well)
Fatman: Well don't look at me! I'm not going to rim him or blow him! (he walks off)
(pause)
Snake: AND WHY THE HELL NOT, MIGHT I ASK?!
Liquid: God... if you left me alone for one minute, it would be pleasure!
(Rose walks over and sits next to them)
Rose: Speaking of pleasure, you know those mobile phones that vibrate. (she pulls one out, and hits a button so it vibrates) I found one that somebody had lost, and in desperation I inserted it, longways, in... you know, my most "private" place. And guess what? It hasn't rung ONCE! Just my luck to find a vibrating phone belonging to someone with no friends.
(pause)
Snake: You're making me hard here.
(a speakerphone drops from the ceiling)
Speakerphone: Group one, report to the VR simulation centre now.
Snake: Finally. I'm gone.
(Group one exit and go to the VR room where they hook up. Suddenly, they are inside a womens dormitory, and Fortune holds a bit of paper)
Fortune: (reading aloud) 'Your mission is to retrieve the files located in the commander's office. You cannot be captured, or the simulation will end and I, the Colonel, will personally put you through some harsh Thai-stick action.'
Snake: Oh shit. I hear footsteps!
(camera moves over to see two soldiers outside the door into the womens barracks- one has a lieutenants markings)
Lieutenant: I demand to know what's going on in there! And this time, I'm NOT looking for the hot "girl on girl" action answer.
Soldier: But it is certainly an acceptable answer!
British Voice From Inside: Here, put this on!
Gravelly Voice From Inside: Hurry, there's no time!
Inuit Voice From Inside: Aww... fuck...
Raspy Voice From Inside: Lock the door! Lock the door!
Soldier: Those sounded like men's voices, sir.
Lieutenant: We'll see about that! (tries to open the door) Open this door! I DEMAND to be allowed inside!
British Voice From Inside: I think he's gone.
Gravelly Voice From Inside: Shhhh!
(Soldier turns around and salutes)
Lieutenant: I want to know what's going on in there, and I want to know right NOW!
(a female commanding officer walks behind the Lieutenant)
Commander: (to Soldier) At ease. However, it would seem that the Lieutenant has some explaining to do.
Lieutenant: Err, Commander Sullivan, I can explain, REALLY.
Commander: I'm sure you can. Let us hope that it is a logical explanation.
Soldier: It's all quite simple really. Lieutenant just wanted to know what was going on in the ladies' barracks.
(pause)
Commander: Why am I not surprised? This is the THIRD time this month, Lieutenant.
Lieutenant: (to Soldier) You are so being demoted to mop-boy.
Commander: My girls are doing target practice in the shooting range. Much to the Lieutenant's chagrin, the barracks are empty.
Lieutenant: Impossible! We heard a great commotion in here all the way from Security Station Alpha! And, might I add, we heard voices in here just before your arrival!
Commander: If it is as you say, then we should inspect the barracks from infiltrators. (moves over to the door and pulls out a key card) I'll just open the door here...
British Voice From Inside: Run!
Gravelly Voice From Inside: Where?!
Inuit Voice From Inside: Hide!
Raspy Voice From Inside: WHERE?!
(Commander, Lieutenant and Soldier enter, and see the group of six standing in the middle of the rooms. However, all of them are now wearing long dresses with bras and panties underneath)
Commander: Why aren't you girls with the others? Why are you wearing casual dress instead of battle gear? And why don't any of you look familiar in the slightest?!
Rose: The answer is quite simple. We're... NEW. Yeah. New recruits. That's us. Yep.
Commander: New recruits? Even though as commander of this entire base I made no request for additional personnel, have received no prior word of your arrival, and have no room for you here in any case?
Rose: ... Yes!
Lieutenant: There's something very strange about them. Someone should keep an eye on these girls for reasons of security.
Commander: I could not agree more.
Lieutenant: Therefore, we will need a watchman unmatched in his knowledge of the security of our base. Someone bold, handsome and daring. It is for these very loyal and non-selfish reasons that I nominate-
Commander: Finishing that sentence would be a waste of my breath as my answer is going to be "no".
Lieutenant: Aww nuts.
Commander: There is only one way to find the real truth. INTERROGATION! (talking to the group) What are your names?
Rose: Err... our names? I'm Rose.
Fortune: I'm Fortune.
Snake: Solid Snakeina.
Fatman: Fatmanria.
Raven: Vulcan Ravenica.
Liquid: And I'm Sharon.
Commander: Hmm... (to Lieutenant and Soldier) Well, those are girls' names. Their story checks out. Let's go. (to the group) You six, I expect you to be in full battle-dress and down at the shooting range in five minutes.
Rose, Fortune, Snake, Liquid, Raven and Fatman: YES MA'AM!
Lieutenant: There IS something unusual about those girls. (looks at Fatman) Especially the cute one! I hope to see a lot more of her. NAKED, that is.
(Lieutenant, Commander and Soldier exit, and close the door behind them)
(everyone looks at Liquid)
Liquid: Don't look at me like that. I've always thought Sharon was a pretty name.
Snake: Let's try to ignore Liquids transvestite urges and get those goddamn files.
Liquid: I am secure enough in my own sexual identity and orientation that I can ignore your base and inflammatory remarks, Snake. In fact, I won't even dignify your infantile statement with a response.
Fatman: That one soldier was looking at me kinda funny.
Rose: Look, we bought ourselves some time. If we can make it to the commander's office, then I'm sure this simulation will be over.
Snake: NO! We have to explore this entire base! We'll have so much fun as we're whisked away on an adventure that bends space and time and gender roles! No more itchy, pinchy confining sneaking suits for me! NO! I'm free! (starts waving his arms around) I'm flying, mom, flying! You can't stop me now!
(long pause)
Snake: What? You try wearing a sneaking suit all day long. These dresses are quite comfortable in comparison. Besides, my ass has never looked so good! Mmm!
Raven: He... does... have... a... point...
Fortune: Can we just get out of here, into the commanders office and kill everything in our way? Please?
Snake: Sounds good to me. So, where IS this office?
Rose: No idea.
(Liquid pulls out a book with 'Learn Your ABCs' on the cover)
Liquid: I'm sure this Secret Base Tourist Information Book will help us! (Liquid starts reading)
Rose: Should we say anything?
Liquid: Guys! I've got something! Apparently, "A" is for "apple". "B" is still a mystery, but my hopes are high that the NEXT page will shed some light on the subject.
Snake: Let me talk to him. (pulls out SOCOM) The only way I know how. (to Liquid) That's not an Information Guide. And in any case, I doubt one would have information to find the office where all the bases secret files are kept.
Liquid: (still reading) Hmm. I was hoping "B" would be for "Base Commanders Office". But no such luck. I'm afraid it's "boy".
Snake: (aims SOCOM) You leave me precious little alternative. And I thank you for it.
(Fatman, Vulcan, Rose and Fortune hold Snakes gun down and keep him from moving)
Rose: We don't have time for a shoot-fest!
Snake: JUST ONE! I DESERVE THAT MUCH, DAMN YOU!
Rose: Okay, if you can behave yourself from now on, when we exit the VR you can shoot him once.
Snake: Now that's what I call incentive! I can do it, no problem.
Liquid: (still reading) Damn it. "C" is for "cow". I really wish it had been for "Current Objective File's Location"
(pause)
Snake: GODDAMN IT! (pulls up SOCOM) PREPARE FOR 47 BULLETS!
(Snake opens fire and keeps on going, spilling red liquid all over the place, until he collapses to the ground)
Snake: 45... too... exhausted... to fire... remaining two shots... feel free to indulge yourselves...
Liquid: Wow! Snake managed to burst every ketchup packet I was holding! (to Snake) Those things are hard to find unless you go to a fast food joint. Jerk!
(fade out; fade in to see everyone getting out of the VR)
Rose: Wow, Fatman! That was amazing how you got us away from that horde of guards with only a toothpick, a Snickers bar and Snakes pubic hair!
Fatman: Thanks.
Snake: Yeah, good job, fat boy.
Liquid: What about me?
Raven: What... about... you... Sharon?
(everyone laughs but Liquid)
Fortune: Man, getting zinged by Raven. That has to suck.
Liquid: I saved all of our lives from that hilarious talking bear!
Snake: Yeah, but you're never going to live down 'Sharon'.
(fade out; fade in to see Vamp rubbing his back on the floor. Emma walks up)
Emma: What are you doing?
Vamp: I've got an itch.
Emma: Hmm?
Vamp: I've got an itch, and I can't reach it.
Emma: Did you try rubbing up and down against a window frame?
Vamp: Yeah.
Emma: And...?
Vamp: I fell out the window. ARGH! This itch, it's driving me fucking mad!
Emma: So?
Vamp: So, do you think you could possibly... scratch it for me?
Emma: Fuck off.
Vamp: What?
Emma: Well, it always starts like this, doesn't it? You start by asking me to scratch your back, then you roll over and ask me to scratch your front. The next thing I know you've got an enormous erection and you start drooling like a bloodthirsty vampire!
Vamp: I am bloodthirsty vampire.
Emma: Well, I'm not falling for it this time. If you've got an itch, find someone else to scratch it for you.
Vamp: But I've only got short arms.
Emma: Grow your fingernails.
Vamp: I'll pay you.
Emma: With what?
(pause)
Vamp: Oreos?
Emma: If you think I'm going to play with your penis for a couple of chocolate biscuits with a cream filling, you a very much mistaken.
Vamp: So, what do you do if you get an itch?
Emma: I scratch them myself.
Vamp: What about the ones you can't reach?
Emma: After all the yoga I have done, there is no part of my body I can't reach. That's how I keep myself so spotlessly clean. I'm even able to reach every square inch of my body with my tongue.
(pause)
Vamp: Now... you know what I'm going to say next, don't you.
Emma: Yes.
Vamp: So, there's not actually any need for me to say it, is there?
Emma: No.
(pause)
Vamp: So, you won't scratch my back, then?
Emma: No.
(fade out; fade in to see Meryl frantically searching the room)
Meryl: (to Solidus) Hey! Limp dick! You seen my pills?
Solidus: No, I haven't seen your tablets.
Meryl: Are you sure? Because if you have, and you're not telling me, I'm going to put a skewer through your dick.
Solidus: You're not very good in the mornings, are you?
Meryl: So, have you seen them?
Solidus: A long-term dependence on prescription drugs can actually be more harmful than beneficial, according to a report in my magazine.
Meryl: Really? I wasn't aware that Slutty Whore Pussies Monthly was a medical publication.
Solidus: Hey, I'll have you know that's a quality read.
Meryl: It's a jerk off mag!
Solidus: So?
Meryl: It's not like it carries any kind of intelligent editorial.
Solidus: Yes it does...
Meryl: Where? In-between pictures of Miss Mega Muff and Sally Super Snatch?
Solidus: Actually, it focuses on a number of important issues.
Meryl: What's important about seeing a couple of reader's wives being done up the ass with a baseball bat?
Solidus: Well, it's important to me...
(fade out; fade in to see Decoy and Emma)
Emma: What?
Decoy: I was wondering if you wouldn't mind helping me out?
Emma: How?
Decoy: Only, I've asked the others and they all said no.
Emma: Go on...
Decoy: Well, I need to slice open your throat with a big carving knife, drain all the blood out of your body, and then offer you up as a willing sacrifice to the Dark Lord of The Universe?
Emma: Can I have a few moments to think about it?
Decoy: Sure. Take as long as you like.
Emma: Hmmmmm. No.
Decoy: Fair enough. There's no point trying to force you. 'Cause you have to be a "willing" sacrifice, you see?
Emma: Yes.
Decoy: Well, thanks anyway. Sorry to bother you.
Emma: Don't mention it.
(Decoy begins to walk over to Raiden, but stops)
Decoy: (to Emma) I don't suppose you'd just let me carve out your liver and feast upon it?
Emma: What on earth for?
Decoy: I haven't had a bite since breakfast. I'm bloody starving...
(speakerphone drops down from the ceiling)
Speakerphone: Group two, report to the VR area now!
Raiden: Yay!
Sea Man: What? You don't like pizza?
(fade out; fade in to see the members of group two being placed in the VR arena. They're in a huge stadium, with a huge crowd watching)
Fox: What the fuck?
(a piece of paper falls down in front of Emma)
Emma: (reading aloud) 'In this exercise, you will have to use your powers of persuasion and improvisation to make it through five rounds of intense questions! If you fail, I'll personally attach you all, apart from Emma, to a machine that will rip off a pube an hour off your nut-sack until you're shorn like sheep. Then it will castrate you.'
Vamp: Ouch.
Decoy: Ok, when does the questioning begin?!
(a large man runs over)
Man: Right now! Your first task is to create one of the most perverted, yet naive, stories you can think of.
Raiden: Did you say nerd?
(everyone smacks Raiden over the head)
Emma: Ok... Grey Fox!
Fox: Ok... (thinks) Ok, after this me and Decoy are going to lay a couple of chicks we met at this new club called 'Manholes'.
Decoy: This doesn't sound good.
Fox: Anyway, these chicks are kinda big, with the hugest HANDS I ever seen on a lady, but they've been sweating me and Decoy pretty hard, and even though they wouldn't let me touch their hair-pie, I could tell they were probably wet- because there was the BIGGEST BULGE I've ever seen under the chick's miniskirt.
Sea Man: (holding back vomit) Oh god...
Fox: But I figure it's just gotta be a big puddle of chick-jizz gathered in there like a pamper!
Man: That was awful. You pass the first round!
(Man runs off, and an old man hobbles on)
Old Man: To pass this second round, you must answer me these questions three!
Raiden: Ok!
Old Man: WHAT... is your name?!
Raiden: Uh... Raiden?
Old Man: Very good. WHAT... is your favourite colour?!
Raiden: Pink.
Old Man: And finally, WHAT... is the average flight speed of a coconut laden swallow?!
Raiden: Umm... is this a Monty Python reference?
Old Man: Damn! You guessed right! (he flies up and out of the arena)
(a sexy woman walks on)
Fox, Decoy, Vamp and Sea Man: Awoooogah!
Sexy Woman: Sorry boys, but it's time for the Lightning Round.
(the entire group, apart from Emma, get zapped with a bolt of lightning)
Fox, Decoy, Raiden, Vamp and Sea Man: Oh god... the pain!
Sexy Woman: Good job, boys. You made it to round 4! (she walks off)
(a giant frog hops over)
Giant Frog: *ribbit* You have to kiss me to win this round *ribbit*
Sea Man: Well, I'm glad that that Lightning Round is over. (he gets zapped) ARGH! Oh... now I get it... (looks up) I sure hope there isn't an ice-cream round! (he gets zapped again)
Emma: Jesus, I guess I have to kiss the frog. (she kisses the frog; the frog turns into a rock) Huh... that was pointless.
Voice: But you made it to the final round!
Raiden: Who said that?!
(Shade walks on)
Shade: I DID!
Emma: The author?!
Fox: That talentless fuck?
Shade: Quiet, you. Now then, to win this round, you must answer one simple question... about me.
Decoy: Is the answer 'you'?
Shade: (looks at a cue card) Actually, it is. DAMMIT FADE!
Fade: You interrupted me playing Dynasty Warriors!
Shade: Fuck-tard...
(the group get sent back into reality)
Emma: Great!
Shade: You know it.
Decoy: Wait, why are you still here?!
Shade: Uh... because... (throws some dust at Decoys face) AMNESIA DUST, HA!
(Decoy is covered in white powder)
Decoy: What is this, talcum powder? You got it all over me! Thanks a lot, asshole.
Shade: Huh? But I got it at a very high quality store!
(cut to a store with a sign saying "AKBARS DISCOUNT AMNESIA DUST! Not talcum powder!")
Akbar: Sucker!
(cut back to the group)
Shade: Oh well. Gotta go! (throws down a smoke bomb- the smoke goes away almost instantly) Hmm... that was supposed to last a lot longer... oh well, no more discount ninja supply stores for me! (walks off)
(everyone goes to room one)
(fade out; fade in to see Snake spreading shit all over the walls)
Snake: A little more there... dum de dum..
(Fox walks over)
Snake: Hey, Fox.
Fox: What the hell are you doing?
Snake: Well, if you must know, it's a protest. A sort of political act.
Fox: Oh?
Snake: (proudly) I am covering the walls with my own faeces.
Fox: So, what's different?
Snake: What do you mean?
Fox: Well, aren't you always covering the walls with your own shit. You normally call it "going to the toilet".
Snake: My personal hygiene is beyond reproach! I'll have you know, I went through an entire roll of toilet paper last year.
Fox: I stand corrected. How many rolls did you use during the nineteen eighties?
Snake: I don't remember. Five? No... I tell a lie... six.
Fox: And how many boxes of man-sized tissues do you go through every week?
Snake: Fifty-three.
Fox: I don't get it!
Snake: It's a different discipline.
Fox: What is your protest concerning?
Snake: Animal experiments.
Fox: Oh.
Snake: Yeah, I was using some shampoo last week, and it really burnt my eyes. Goddamn stuff should have been tested first.
Fox: Tested on what?
Snake: Rabbits of course! Nothing potentially poisonous, hazardous or corrosive should be put into the shops without first being put into the eyes of baby rabbits!
(Fox stares into space for a moment, then...)
Fox: I am going to kill myself.
(fade out; fade in to see Vamp pleading with Liquid)
Liquid: Where exactly is this itch?
Vamp: How many times do I have to tell you, dickhead? It's on my back!
Liquid: Where?
Vamp: Right in the middle.
Liquid: Why don't you scratch it yourself?
Vamp: I can't.
Liquid: Why not?
Vamp: I can't reach it.
(pause)
Liquid: Why not?
Vamp: My arms are too short.
(pause)
Liquid: Why?
Vamp: I don't know why. Maybe it's something to do with evolution and natural selection.
Liquid: Have you been watching Animal Planet again?
Vamp: Look, my back is itching, I can't reach it, will you scratch it for me?
(pause)
Liquid: (cheerfully) Fuck off and die!
Vamp: You sadistic bastard!
Liquid: Why don't you rub your back up and down against the window frame?
Vamp: I tried that.
Liquid: What happened?
Vamp: I fell out the window.
Liquid: What about using an abrasive object with something sharp and pointed at one end?
Vamp: Brilliant idea... I'll use Otacons parrot.
(fade out; fade in to see Vamp and the parrot talking)
Vamp: Oh come on, feather dick.
Parrot: I'm not doing it!
Vamp: I'm not asking you for a martini and a blowjob. I just want you to scratch my back. It's driving me insane! It's ... right... in... the middle... here.... (indicates the itchy spot on his back)
Parrot: Why do you want me to do it?
Vamp: Because, you are equipped with one of creation's great natural back scratchers.
(pause)
Parrot: My penis?
Vamp: Your beak, you idiot! A billion years of evolution and selective breeding has chosen to give you a big, pointy thing on the front of your face.
Parrot: Have you been watching Animal Planet again?
Vamp: I wish people would stop asking me that. You have a multi-purpose, custom-designed tool for preening, and grooming, and cleaning... And for digging nuts out of their shells, and for... getting little stones out of horses hooves...
Parrot: Are you sure you're not thinking of a Swiss Army Knife?
Vamp: Hmm... Maybe I am. What are you again?
Parrot: A parrot.
Vamp: So I couldn't, for example, use you for getting a cork out of a bottle of wine.
Parrot: No.
Vamp: Or for whittling a small piece of driftwood into the shape of a tiny ship…
Parrot: No.
Vamp: And then inserting it into a very small bottle.
(pause)
Parrot: No. (pause) You might be able to use my beak to clip your toenails…
Vamp: (angry to the point of explosion) Will you PLEASE scratch my FUCKING back?!
Parrot: No.
Vamp: Right!
Parrot: No!
(Vamp grabs the parrot and starts using it to scratch his back)
Parrot: ARGH! STOP IT YOU FUCKING C*NT!
Vamp: Mm. Oh! Ah! Mmmmm! Yes! Yes! Ahhh!
(fade out; fade in to see Vamp and Snake taking a nap, when...)
Parrot: Uuuooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh! Uuuooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh! Uuuooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!
(pause)
Parrot: Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh!
Vamp: (wakes up) Oh, for fuck's sake! Alright, I'm sorry I used you to scratch my back!!
(long pause)
Parrot: Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh!
Vamp: And I'm sorry I used you to wipe my bottom.
Parrot: Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh!
Vamp: And I'm really, really sorry I flushed you down the toilet afterwards.
(long pause)
Parrot: Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh!
Snake: (waking up) That's it... (opens fire on the parrot- blood flies everywhere)
Parrot: Jesus, Snake! You managed to shoot every single bag of blood I was going to donate to the local hospital! Thanks a lot, shithead.
Snake: If I had the energy, I would cry.
(fade out; fade in to see Mantis, Solidus, Ocelot, Meryl, Wolf and Otacon hooking into the VR)
Otacon: Here we go...
(they are suddenly standing on an invisible surface. Everything around them is black)
Meryl: What the hell?
Solidus: (looks down and sees a note. He picks it up and reads it out) 'Group 3, due to the fact the author has no more money to pay out to everyone who sues him, he can't rip off anything. Man I hate that government-cheese-eating fuck...'
Wolf: That's kind of a rip.
Ocelot: So... what do we do now?
Mantis: Cliché "wackiness"?
(Blink 182 run on)
Blink 182: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
(Mr. T pops up)
Mr. T: I'm Mr.T! And I'm in a Metal Gear fanfic! It's funny cause it's not what you would expect! I pity da foo' what don't think this is hilarious.
(a large pie, with legs, pops up)
Pie: I am pie! Pie is wacky- especially with legs! If I weren't me, I'd be eating me right now! WACKY!
Ocelot: I love you, Miss Wolf! (he and Wolf start making out)
Otacon: (rubs head) Huh...
(Ronin Syaoran pops up)
Ronin: This fan fiction is inferior to my epic ninja... uh... epic.
(Mantis and Solidus start talking)
Mantis: Solidus, why are you my friend?
Solidus: Because I'm a masochist.
Mantis: No, I mean how come we never took our relationship to the next level?
Solidus: What are you talking about you fool. I'm a man.
Mantis: You're a guy? Really? Why didn't you ever tell me?
Solidus: I was hoping that my genitals would speak for themselves.
Mantis: That's a disturbing mental picture. Man, I can't believe I wasted all those hours trying to woo you.
Solidus: You were trying to "woo" me?! (pause) Please say it was only metaphorically.
Mantis: Boy that J.Lo is hot. You know what I like? Women.
Solidus: I'm going to be sick.
Mantis: Well at least now you won't be violated.
(long pause)
Solidus: I really think there's something wrong with me.
Mantis: I've been telling myself that since we first met.
Solidus: No, really, something isn't right.
Mantis: Maybe you should see an ichthyologist.
Solidus: It's like an essential piece of my life is missing and I don't know where to find it.
Mantis: Have you tried eBay?
Solidus: This is serious. What would you do if I died from it?
Mantis: I'd eat your corpse.
(pause)
Solidus: Well, at least my life won't be a complete waste.
Mantis: Actually, after a few hours of digestion...
Solidus: Ok, now you've gone too far.
Mantis: Brings a whole new meaning to the term "final destination", doesn't it?
(fade out; fade in to see everyone amassed in the big room. The Colonel walks in)
Colonel: Good afternoon, ladies.
Raiden: Good afternoon, Colonel!
Snake: Wow, he actually shows up.
Colonel: Oh, I'm just here to prelude your final test...
Fox: Huh?
Colonel: Yes, tremble before the might of my monster!
(the lights go off- everything is black)
Colonel: It is a fierce chimera, a patchwork demon composed of the most gruesome and deadly elements of a bakers dozen of horrible nightmare creatures.
(a distant *thump* is heard)
Colonel: Its behemoth claws can tear a truck in two.
(another thump, this time closer)
Colonel: Its thorny carapace can withstand the most powerful missiles.
(closer...)
Colonel: It moves with the speed of lightning and strikes twice as hard.
(closer...)
Colonel: It breathes fire that drips with poison.
(closer!)
Colonel: And worst of all, it follows my every command. To put it simply, you're doomed.
(Not that close!)
Snake: Just ONCE I'd like to go through a fan fiction and not be doomed.
Raiden: It would be a change of pace.
Colonel: My big bad monster is going to kill you so fast it'll be mentioned in every science journal as a breakthrough in faster than light theory.
(I can smell its breath from the other side of the computer screen)
Colonel: And here it is now! Behold the glorious might of-
(a spotlight hits the floor, and everyone sees a platypus)
Colonel: WHAT THE FUCK?!
(Otacon walks over and picks it up by the tail)
Otacon: Hee hee! Look at him wiggle!
Colonel: There must be some mistake! I paid huge amounts of money for that monster!
Fatman: Wait, you PAID for a monster to kill us?!
Colonel: It seemed like such a good deal!
(cut to a store with a sign saying "AKBARS DISCOUNT KILLER MONSTER OUTLET! Not pathetic creatures!")
Akbar: Sucker!
(cut back to everyone)
Colonel: I was promised claws and an impossible biology!
Meryl: Well, a quick look over shows that it has little claws, probably for burrowing, and a duck-billed MAMMAL is impossible enough for me.
Colonel: What about the poison and the fire?!
Fortune: He appears to have little poison barbs on his hind legs.
(pause)
Fortune: There's also a bottle of vodka and a lighter attached to his soft underbelly.
Colonel: Shit... I guess you guys pass the final test.
Everyone But Colonel: YES!
Colonel: But that doesn't mean that you will escape the acid pit!
(everyone but the Colonel is suddenly suspended by the feet, with rope, over a pit of acid)
Fatman: Funny. If I had a toothpick, a Snickers bar and another batch of Snakes pubic hair, I could get us out of here in less then a minute.
Raiden: So, why is the Colonel trying to kill us?
Snake: You were at the Big Shell. He went insane like this before.
Rose: (like a drone) I'm flying, Jack...
Shade: Get it? Jack and Rose? Titanic?! THE TWO MAIN CHARACTERS?! Good god, I'm hilarious!
Decoy: Dude, why in Gods name would you rent that film?
Shade: It came highly recommended from a very high-quality video store!
(cut to a store with a sign saying "AKBARS HIGH QUALITY VIDEO RENTRALS! Not shit movies!")
Akbar: Sucker!
(cut back to everyone)
Colonel: Prepare to be dropped! (he cuts the cords that hold the people up- they fall into the vat of acid)
(everyone is covered in the liquid)
Emma: Umm, it's awfully STICKY for acid...
Vamp: And not... what's the word?
Fortune: Acidic?
Vamp: Yeah.
Colonel: Oh yeah. It's just Mountain Dew.
Mantis: (hasn't even touched the Dew, he's floating an inch above it) You didn't get real acid?
Colonel: Well, I'd rather buy Mountain Dew from a place that was honest about it.
(cut to a store with a sign saying "MOHAMMEDS MOUNTAIN DEW!"
Mohammed: Another satisfied customer!
(cut back)
Mantis: And what other alternative was there?
Colonel: I could've bought it at a store that was entirely dishonest about it's dealings.
(cut to a store with a sign saying "AKBARS DISCOUNT ACID! Not Mountain Dew!")
Akbar: What?
(cut back to everyone)
Colonel: Yeah, well, you passed. Next time your mission actually begins.
Snake: Will it involve Moriarty? Or Sean Connery?
Colonel: Maybe...
NARRATOR: In this exciting episode of The League, they went through hell. But next time they actually get to do some real killing! Will Akbar sell them faulty goods? Will Michael J. Fox ever look like he's older then 18? And why in Gods name does Fatmans escape plan involves Snakes pubes?! You probably won't find out in the next episode of...
THE LEAGUE OF PRETTY UNORDINARY GENTLE MEN & WOMEN
A subsidiary of Viacom.
And now for the random Sean Connery question of the day, with a rebuttal from that Government-cheese-eating fuck, Shade...
Shade: So, Sean, what's it like acting in movies?
Sean: "Well it certainly beats my average day. Reading philosophy, avoiding gang rape in the washrooms... Though that seems to be less of a problem these days. Maybe I'm losing my sex appeal." (NOTE: This is an actual quote from one of Sean's movies. Don't ask me which)
Shade: Very true.
That was our...
RANDOM SEAN CONNERY QUESTION OF THE DAY!