* * * * * *
It was closer to 8 o'clock than 6 when I arrived at Dr Field's office. She was sitting at the receptionist's desk waiting.
"Come in," she called, "It's open."
"Sorry I'm so late," I greeted her, pushing the door open and stepping into the dimly lit room.
"That's Ok, I had to hang around and do a few things anyway," she replied, "How's Angela?"
"She's good," I answered as I followed her down the hallway to her consultation room at the end of the hall.
"Sit down," she requested, gesturing to the chair opposite her desk.
I complied uncertainly, "What did you want to see me about?"
She spoke for several minutes.
"I don't want you to panic or anything, it's probably nothing, I just want to run a few tests to make sure," she finished.
I was certain my face had gone pale. I closed my eyes and inhaled slowly.
"Like I said, it's probably nothing to worry about," she reassured me.
I opened my eyes, "I know, its just been a long day."
"Busy?"
"Yeah."
"I can relate," she replied as we stood up.
"Thanks Sally," I said resignedly.
"Don't worry about it," she answered, "I'll call you during the week."
"Yeah, Ok."
We exchanged goodbyes and I exited the office.
When I arrived home 15 minutes later, I realised I had one last battle to fight for the day. Sighing, I walked up the stairs to the apartment rather than taking the elevator, and stood, shivering at the front door delving through my bag to find my keys. Finally finding them and opening the door, I walked into the apartment with a sense of apprehension.
"The PO had to leave, she said to apologise," Harm greeted me.
"Ok," I responded quietly, trying not to look at him.
"Mum?" Angela murmured sleepily.
I walked over and picked her up, "Angel, this is Rear Admiral Rabb, he's here from the place where I used to work in Washington."
"Is that where the President lives?" she asked quietly.
"Yeah sweetie," I responded, smiling, "He's going to be staying with us for a while, so you can sleep with me Ok?"
"Mmhmm," she replied.
"Ok, it's time for you to go to sleep," I informed her, carrying her into my bedroom and putting her to bed. I sat with her for a few minutes until she fell asleep, then walked back into the living room, closing the bedroom door behind me.
"You never mentioned the kid," Harm called to me as I walked into the kitchen.
"I'm sorry," I responded, pulling something out of the fridge and eating it, "It didn't occur to me this afternoon."
"She looks just like you."
I studied what I was eating intently, realising I was consuming chocolate slice for dinner, "No," I replied, "She has your eyes."
Even though I couldn't see it, I felt the look on his face change.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"What was I going to say?" I countered quietly, making no true attempt to defend myself.
"Anything would've been better than nothing," he answered, even-toned but angry. I didn't have to look at him to know he was angry.
"I was scared," I almost whispered, "I was afraid of what it would mean for. for us, for me, for you. I found out two weeks after I got here. I was still caught up in the high of moving, but that brought be crashing down to earth," I paused watching his face as he looked away from me.
"Leaving Washington felt good at the time, it was like getting away from my reality and making up my own life here," I continued, "But after that, after that I started to miss." I stopped speaking again, wondering if he was listening.
"Yeah what did you miss?"
"You."
"Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?" he responded, "First you tell me that leaving Washington was the basically the best thing you ever did, until you found out you'd really screwed up your plans by getting pregnant with the daughter you didn't even tell me about. Then you tell me that you missed me."
He glared at me, "What is that supposed to mean?"
"Don't look at me like that," I requested, raising my voice to match his.
"Why not? What do you think all of that meant for me, you leaving? I wouldn't have even known if I hadn't happened to hang around late talking to Bud. You told everyone in that office but me Mac, every single person knew, except me, your so-called best friend. And now you tell me that we have a daughter? After five years? Sarah Mackenzie, you really know how to welcome an old friend, throw a few more daggers why don't you?"
I looked down, "Please don't be angry at me."
"Why on earth shouldn't I be angry with you? "
"Because I'm not worth getting angry over. I deserve all the contempt you could possibly regard me with. Honestly, you should hate me. You have the right to hate me. But hating me won't change the past. I'm not asking you to forgive me," I stared at him, "But please, don't condemn me to hell. I've got my punishment Harm. Those eyes of hers, everyday they remind me how I screwed us up. You think it hurt you? I actually loved you, hell I still love you."
"How do you do that?" he asked me disbelievingly.
"What?"
"Stand there and shamelessly tell me you still love me when you haven't spoken a word to me in five years?"
"I've never had a problem admitting the truth."
He just glared at me. I stared back with tears in my eyes.
"Does she know?"
"Who Angela?"
"Yeah."
"You're not really in the same situation. You didn't have to have a daughter, but she had to have a father. So she knows about you, I've told her about you. But are you asking if she knows you're her father?"
"Yeah."
"Not yet. Do you, do you want me to tell her?" I asked, choking on the words.
"Just let me process all of this first."
"Ok," I responded softly, "Harm?"
"What?"
"Do you hate me?" I sniffed, closing my eyes to stop myself from crying.
"No. I hate the way you left. I hate the way you didn't speak to me. I hate the way I don't even know my daughter's name. I hate what you did. But I don't hate you."
"What do you, what do you think, I mean, feel about me?"
"You want the truth?"
I nodded.
"Nothing."
"Touché."
He turned and walked away leaving me crying in the kitchen.
* * * * * *
It was closer to 8 o'clock than 6 when I arrived at Dr Field's office. She was sitting at the receptionist's desk waiting.
"Come in," she called, "It's open."
"Sorry I'm so late," I greeted her, pushing the door open and stepping into the dimly lit room.
"That's Ok, I had to hang around and do a few things anyway," she replied, "How's Angela?"
"She's good," I answered as I followed her down the hallway to her consultation room at the end of the hall.
"Sit down," she requested, gesturing to the chair opposite her desk.
I complied uncertainly, "What did you want to see me about?"
She spoke for several minutes.
"I don't want you to panic or anything, it's probably nothing, I just want to run a few tests to make sure," she finished.
I was certain my face had gone pale. I closed my eyes and inhaled slowly.
"Like I said, it's probably nothing to worry about," she reassured me.
I opened my eyes, "I know, its just been a long day."
"Busy?"
"Yeah."
"I can relate," she replied as we stood up.
"Thanks Sally," I said resignedly.
"Don't worry about it," she answered, "I'll call you during the week."
"Yeah, Ok."
We exchanged goodbyes and I exited the office.
When I arrived home 15 minutes later, I realised I had one last battle to fight for the day. Sighing, I walked up the stairs to the apartment rather than taking the elevator, and stood, shivering at the front door delving through my bag to find my keys. Finally finding them and opening the door, I walked into the apartment with a sense of apprehension.
"The PO had to leave, she said to apologise," Harm greeted me.
"Ok," I responded quietly, trying not to look at him.
"Mum?" Angela murmured sleepily.
I walked over and picked her up, "Angel, this is Rear Admiral Rabb, he's here from the place where I used to work in Washington."
"Is that where the President lives?" she asked quietly.
"Yeah sweetie," I responded, smiling, "He's going to be staying with us for a while, so you can sleep with me Ok?"
"Mmhmm," she replied.
"Ok, it's time for you to go to sleep," I informed her, carrying her into my bedroom and putting her to bed. I sat with her for a few minutes until she fell asleep, then walked back into the living room, closing the bedroom door behind me.
"You never mentioned the kid," Harm called to me as I walked into the kitchen.
"I'm sorry," I responded, pulling something out of the fridge and eating it, "It didn't occur to me this afternoon."
"She looks just like you."
I studied what I was eating intently, realising I was consuming chocolate slice for dinner, "No," I replied, "She has your eyes."
Even though I couldn't see it, I felt the look on his face change.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"What was I going to say?" I countered quietly, making no true attempt to defend myself.
"Anything would've been better than nothing," he answered, even-toned but angry. I didn't have to look at him to know he was angry.
"I was scared," I almost whispered, "I was afraid of what it would mean for. for us, for me, for you. I found out two weeks after I got here. I was still caught up in the high of moving, but that brought be crashing down to earth," I paused watching his face as he looked away from me.
"Leaving Washington felt good at the time, it was like getting away from my reality and making up my own life here," I continued, "But after that, after that I started to miss." I stopped speaking again, wondering if he was listening.
"Yeah what did you miss?"
"You."
"Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?" he responded, "First you tell me that leaving Washington was the basically the best thing you ever did, until you found out you'd really screwed up your plans by getting pregnant with the daughter you didn't even tell me about. Then you tell me that you missed me."
He glared at me, "What is that supposed to mean?"
"Don't look at me like that," I requested, raising my voice to match his.
"Why not? What do you think all of that meant for me, you leaving? I wouldn't have even known if I hadn't happened to hang around late talking to Bud. You told everyone in that office but me Mac, every single person knew, except me, your so-called best friend. And now you tell me that we have a daughter? After five years? Sarah Mackenzie, you really know how to welcome an old friend, throw a few more daggers why don't you?"
I looked down, "Please don't be angry at me."
"Why on earth shouldn't I be angry with you? "
"Because I'm not worth getting angry over. I deserve all the contempt you could possibly regard me with. Honestly, you should hate me. You have the right to hate me. But hating me won't change the past. I'm not asking you to forgive me," I stared at him, "But please, don't condemn me to hell. I've got my punishment Harm. Those eyes of hers, everyday they remind me how I screwed us up. You think it hurt you? I actually loved you, hell I still love you."
"How do you do that?" he asked me disbelievingly.
"What?"
"Stand there and shamelessly tell me you still love me when you haven't spoken a word to me in five years?"
"I've never had a problem admitting the truth."
He just glared at me. I stared back with tears in my eyes.
"Does she know?"
"Who Angela?"
"Yeah."
"You're not really in the same situation. You didn't have to have a daughter, but she had to have a father. So she knows about you, I've told her about you. But are you asking if she knows you're her father?"
"Yeah."
"Not yet. Do you, do you want me to tell her?" I asked, choking on the words.
"Just let me process all of this first."
"Ok," I responded softly, "Harm?"
"What?"
"Do you hate me?" I sniffed, closing my eyes to stop myself from crying.
"No. I hate the way you left. I hate the way you didn't speak to me. I hate the way I don't even know my daughter's name. I hate what you did. But I don't hate you."
"What do you, what do you think, I mean, feel about me?"
"You want the truth?"
I nodded.
"Nothing."
"Touché."
He turned and walked away leaving me crying in the kitchen.
* * * * * *