After the Monday episode of the unfolding drama known as my relationship
with Harm, we refrained from such conversations, pretending the past had
never happened, pretending we'd never had the discussion in the kitchen
that night. it wasn't like it was hard to pretend. Denial came naturally
when it involved Harm. We'd been doing it for almost a decade and as they
say, practise makes perfect. We were close to taking perfection of denial
to new heights and making it an art form.
I could write a novel on denial. With his help, we'd be rich.
He treated me like a stranger, and I treated him like the ghost of my past that he was.
On Tuesday he'd asked for my permission to conduct his investigation on my base without informing me of the progress. (He didn't ask in those words, but the essence of the statement was there.) Being in a good position to disagree, I protested. We'd had a strictly professional argument, but his eyes had said all the personal stuff. For me, it had ended in tears, after he left disappointed that he hadn't achieved his purpose in the meeting.
On Wednesday he had avoided me, being purposefully twenty minutes late to his meeting with me in the late afternoon, which only left ten minutes until I was scheduled to endure the battering of a discussion with Washington about the recent court-martial of a civilian contractor. I was not jumping for joy at the prospect of a spat with my former Commanding Officer and Harm arriving late had flustered my a little. His icy demeanour managed to cool me off pretty quickly, as well as freezing the sun. Any further encounters like that and the world would be enjoying a Neo Ice Age. Almost as soon as he left, the phone had rang.
"Hello, Mackenzie," I had answered.
"Colonel Mackenzie, this is Admiral Chegwidden."
"Yes Sir, I recognised your voice Sir."
"How have you been coping with Rabb's visit Mac?" he had asked.
I'd been tempted to hang up the phone. It was all I could do to mutter something vaguely resembling 'fine' without dropping the receiver and start crying again.
On Thursday, I hadn't seen Harm at all. His skills in evasion were commendable. Many people can't successfully elude those they are living and working with almost all day, but Harm was The Master of Avoidance. It was early evening when I finally made it home and found him waiting with Angela on the floor in front of the TV, playing cards.
"Hey," I called to the pair, who appeared to be having a great deal of fun.
"Hi mummy," Angela answered, jumping up to hug me.
"Hi yourself sweetie," I grinned, kneeling so I was her height and dropping my bag next to me.
"How was your day?" I inquired.
She thought for a moment, "Well day care was boring, but it was fun when I got home."
I hugged her and looked over her shoulder at Harm.
"That's good Angela," I responded, still staring at Harm.
"Hey Mac," he said, casual, as though we were merely acquaintances and the girl standing between us wasn't our daughter. I cringed at the thought that he'd seen me naked.
"Yeah hi," I mumbled, picking up my bag and standing up, walking into the kitchen and dumping everything on the bench.
"Are you going to tell her?"
I looked up suddenly, "What do you mean am I going to tell her?"
"Are you going to tell her?"
"Tell her what?"
"You know what I'm talking about."
"You want me to tell her?"
"That's what I said."
"I know," I snapped. His attitude was beginning to annoy me. I mean, I hadn't expected things to be easy with us, but he was making everything so difficult. I know he didn't care about me, but he didn't have to be in my face about it all the time.
"Do you want me to tell her now?" I asked him tersely.
"Mac."
"Don't Mac me, answer my question," I sighed.
"Yes."
"Fine, Ok, sit down," I commanded.
He didn't comply.
"Do it damnit. I treat discussions like this very seriously with her," I informed him, "And if you're going to be an ass about it, forget it."
"So before I do anything I'm being an ass about it? I'd hate to think what'll happen when I open my mouth."
"You just did, and it reflected the truth. Light travels faster than sound. You appeared bright before you spoke."
"As did you Colonel."
"I thought we were on a first name basis."
"We are."
"Good."
"But you still can't order me around."
"Watch me," I invited, "My house, my rules. Now SIT!"
"No."
"Why, so you can be ready to run as soon as any kind of commitment is mentioned?" I raised my voice a little. He was deliberately being infuriating, because he knew exactly how to stir me up. And it was working.
"YOU are the one who ran," he protested.
"No, I ESCAPED, there is a difference."
"Escaped from what?"
"YOU!" I shouted at him, "You and your incessant phobias of having a relationship with me."
"I believe I did have a relationship with you," he stated acidly, "It ended after YOU LEFT, NOT ME!"
I just glared at him, not believing the accusation worth a reply.
"So I think it was you who was afraid of commitment Mac, not me."
He yelled at me, so I yelled back, "You were never going to work things out with me Harm. You said it yourself that you didn't love me, so was me leaving just a good excuse to sleep with me?"
He tensed. That had hit hard.
"I don't believe you. I never said I never loved you, I just said I didn't now. Because after FIVE years of waiting around, hoping the woman you love will come back, you can't really feel much. The pain threshold was passed about four years and eleven months ago. I assure you Sarah Mackenzie; I DID love you, which is why it hurt so much when you ran off. And that's why it's hard to feel anything much for you now but numbness."
And he hit back harder.
"So if you weren't afraid of commitment, why didn't you tell me that five years ago?"
We were both shouting at each other, fighting for no other reason than because we wanted to fight. I wanted to tell him all of this, I wanted to make it clear just how much he'd let me down. I heard Angela cry in protest, distracted from her TV dates by the argument.
"Because I was different then. People change Mac, people grow. And I couldn't tell you then. For whatever reason the words were hard to say, so I tried to prove it to you. Actions speak louder than words, but not to you. No Mac, you were different, you were special," he retorted sarcastically, still yelling, "YOU WERE ONE OF A KIND MACKENZIE. Any other woman would've KNOWN, but no, YOU HAD TO HEAR IT. YOU AND YOUR STUPID INSECURITIES, YOUR ABHORRENCE TO ANY SINCERE AFFECTION. YOU LEFT BECAUSE OF THREE WORDS? THREE WORDS? I ENDURED FIVE YEARS OF HELL FOR THREE FUCKING WORDS?"
Tears formed in my eyes. I cursed quietly, he wasn't allowed to make me cry, that was unfair. He shouldn't be able to make me cry, he shouldn't be able to hurt me. But he did.
"ALL MY LIFE, ALL THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IS I GET HURT," I screamed, ranting defensively, with no real purpose other than to kick back while I could, "AND YOU HURT ME THE MOST, YOU ALWAYS COULD AND YOU ALWAYS DID. I BROKE YOUR HEART? HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU THINK YOU BROKE MINE? HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU THINK YOU MADE ME CRY? SO USING YOUR LOGIC IT'S NOT THAT HARD TO SEE WHY I LEFT. AFTER FIVE YEARS OF HURTING, IT'S HARD TO CARE! AND NO, IT WASN'T JUST THREE LITTLE WORDS. IT WAS THE THREE WORDS YOU COULD NEVER SAY. WHY COULD YOU NEVER SAY THEM? DID YOU NOT MEAN THEM?"
I paused and inhaled sharply before continuing, "HYPOCRISY AND DENIAL, IS THAT HOW YOU DEAL WITH EVERYTHING? I LEFT, YOU THINK YOU OF ALL PEOPLE WOULD UNDERSTAND WHY I LEFT. BUT NO, LIKE EVERY OTHER MAN ON THE PLANET, YOU HAD TO BE A JERK ABOUT IT. IF YOU CARED WHY DID YOU PRETEND I DIDN'T EXIST FOR FIVE YEARS? IF YOU LOVED ME, WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL? YOU NEVER LOVED ME, SO DON'T LIE TO ME."
He slapped me mid-sentence.
"SHUT UP MAC."
I blinked at him unintelligently, my hand rubbing the side of my face in disbelief, the tears in my eyes spilling down my cheeks.
"Firstly," he said, quiet anger expressed perfectly by his tone, "I wouldn't lie to you. And secondly, I didn't call because I didn't have ANY IDEA WHERE YOU WERE BECAUSE YOU NEVER EVEN SAID GOODBYE, LET ALONE TELL ME WHERE YOU WERE GOING."
I breathed in shakily, my hands trembling.
He stood silently for a minute.
"Oh God Mac, I'm sorry," he began, "I don't know why. I never should have."
"Angela?" I called.
"Mummy?" she answered fearfully, standing behind me.
"Come here sweetie," I whispered quietly, ignoring Harm and taking her hand.
"I'm so sorry, I." he touched my shoulder gently.
"Don't," I ordered, shaking a little and pushing his hand away.
"Mac."
"Leave me alone," I replied quietly, biting my lip hard, "Just get out, or leave me alone."
* * * * * *
A/N: You know you're pathetic when you're word processor has names of characters (such as 'Mac') added to its dictionary, and will actually suggest them when you misspell other words.
I could write a novel on denial. With his help, we'd be rich.
He treated me like a stranger, and I treated him like the ghost of my past that he was.
On Tuesday he'd asked for my permission to conduct his investigation on my base without informing me of the progress. (He didn't ask in those words, but the essence of the statement was there.) Being in a good position to disagree, I protested. We'd had a strictly professional argument, but his eyes had said all the personal stuff. For me, it had ended in tears, after he left disappointed that he hadn't achieved his purpose in the meeting.
On Wednesday he had avoided me, being purposefully twenty minutes late to his meeting with me in the late afternoon, which only left ten minutes until I was scheduled to endure the battering of a discussion with Washington about the recent court-martial of a civilian contractor. I was not jumping for joy at the prospect of a spat with my former Commanding Officer and Harm arriving late had flustered my a little. His icy demeanour managed to cool me off pretty quickly, as well as freezing the sun. Any further encounters like that and the world would be enjoying a Neo Ice Age. Almost as soon as he left, the phone had rang.
"Hello, Mackenzie," I had answered.
"Colonel Mackenzie, this is Admiral Chegwidden."
"Yes Sir, I recognised your voice Sir."
"How have you been coping with Rabb's visit Mac?" he had asked.
I'd been tempted to hang up the phone. It was all I could do to mutter something vaguely resembling 'fine' without dropping the receiver and start crying again.
On Thursday, I hadn't seen Harm at all. His skills in evasion were commendable. Many people can't successfully elude those they are living and working with almost all day, but Harm was The Master of Avoidance. It was early evening when I finally made it home and found him waiting with Angela on the floor in front of the TV, playing cards.
"Hey," I called to the pair, who appeared to be having a great deal of fun.
"Hi mummy," Angela answered, jumping up to hug me.
"Hi yourself sweetie," I grinned, kneeling so I was her height and dropping my bag next to me.
"How was your day?" I inquired.
She thought for a moment, "Well day care was boring, but it was fun when I got home."
I hugged her and looked over her shoulder at Harm.
"That's good Angela," I responded, still staring at Harm.
"Hey Mac," he said, casual, as though we were merely acquaintances and the girl standing between us wasn't our daughter. I cringed at the thought that he'd seen me naked.
"Yeah hi," I mumbled, picking up my bag and standing up, walking into the kitchen and dumping everything on the bench.
"Are you going to tell her?"
I looked up suddenly, "What do you mean am I going to tell her?"
"Are you going to tell her?"
"Tell her what?"
"You know what I'm talking about."
"You want me to tell her?"
"That's what I said."
"I know," I snapped. His attitude was beginning to annoy me. I mean, I hadn't expected things to be easy with us, but he was making everything so difficult. I know he didn't care about me, but he didn't have to be in my face about it all the time.
"Do you want me to tell her now?" I asked him tersely.
"Mac."
"Don't Mac me, answer my question," I sighed.
"Yes."
"Fine, Ok, sit down," I commanded.
He didn't comply.
"Do it damnit. I treat discussions like this very seriously with her," I informed him, "And if you're going to be an ass about it, forget it."
"So before I do anything I'm being an ass about it? I'd hate to think what'll happen when I open my mouth."
"You just did, and it reflected the truth. Light travels faster than sound. You appeared bright before you spoke."
"As did you Colonel."
"I thought we were on a first name basis."
"We are."
"Good."
"But you still can't order me around."
"Watch me," I invited, "My house, my rules. Now SIT!"
"No."
"Why, so you can be ready to run as soon as any kind of commitment is mentioned?" I raised my voice a little. He was deliberately being infuriating, because he knew exactly how to stir me up. And it was working.
"YOU are the one who ran," he protested.
"No, I ESCAPED, there is a difference."
"Escaped from what?"
"YOU!" I shouted at him, "You and your incessant phobias of having a relationship with me."
"I believe I did have a relationship with you," he stated acidly, "It ended after YOU LEFT, NOT ME!"
I just glared at him, not believing the accusation worth a reply.
"So I think it was you who was afraid of commitment Mac, not me."
He yelled at me, so I yelled back, "You were never going to work things out with me Harm. You said it yourself that you didn't love me, so was me leaving just a good excuse to sleep with me?"
He tensed. That had hit hard.
"I don't believe you. I never said I never loved you, I just said I didn't now. Because after FIVE years of waiting around, hoping the woman you love will come back, you can't really feel much. The pain threshold was passed about four years and eleven months ago. I assure you Sarah Mackenzie; I DID love you, which is why it hurt so much when you ran off. And that's why it's hard to feel anything much for you now but numbness."
And he hit back harder.
"So if you weren't afraid of commitment, why didn't you tell me that five years ago?"
We were both shouting at each other, fighting for no other reason than because we wanted to fight. I wanted to tell him all of this, I wanted to make it clear just how much he'd let me down. I heard Angela cry in protest, distracted from her TV dates by the argument.
"Because I was different then. People change Mac, people grow. And I couldn't tell you then. For whatever reason the words were hard to say, so I tried to prove it to you. Actions speak louder than words, but not to you. No Mac, you were different, you were special," he retorted sarcastically, still yelling, "YOU WERE ONE OF A KIND MACKENZIE. Any other woman would've KNOWN, but no, YOU HAD TO HEAR IT. YOU AND YOUR STUPID INSECURITIES, YOUR ABHORRENCE TO ANY SINCERE AFFECTION. YOU LEFT BECAUSE OF THREE WORDS? THREE WORDS? I ENDURED FIVE YEARS OF HELL FOR THREE FUCKING WORDS?"
Tears formed in my eyes. I cursed quietly, he wasn't allowed to make me cry, that was unfair. He shouldn't be able to make me cry, he shouldn't be able to hurt me. But he did.
"ALL MY LIFE, ALL THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IS I GET HURT," I screamed, ranting defensively, with no real purpose other than to kick back while I could, "AND YOU HURT ME THE MOST, YOU ALWAYS COULD AND YOU ALWAYS DID. I BROKE YOUR HEART? HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU THINK YOU BROKE MINE? HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU THINK YOU MADE ME CRY? SO USING YOUR LOGIC IT'S NOT THAT HARD TO SEE WHY I LEFT. AFTER FIVE YEARS OF HURTING, IT'S HARD TO CARE! AND NO, IT WASN'T JUST THREE LITTLE WORDS. IT WAS THE THREE WORDS YOU COULD NEVER SAY. WHY COULD YOU NEVER SAY THEM? DID YOU NOT MEAN THEM?"
I paused and inhaled sharply before continuing, "HYPOCRISY AND DENIAL, IS THAT HOW YOU DEAL WITH EVERYTHING? I LEFT, YOU THINK YOU OF ALL PEOPLE WOULD UNDERSTAND WHY I LEFT. BUT NO, LIKE EVERY OTHER MAN ON THE PLANET, YOU HAD TO BE A JERK ABOUT IT. IF YOU CARED WHY DID YOU PRETEND I DIDN'T EXIST FOR FIVE YEARS? IF YOU LOVED ME, WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL? YOU NEVER LOVED ME, SO DON'T LIE TO ME."
He slapped me mid-sentence.
"SHUT UP MAC."
I blinked at him unintelligently, my hand rubbing the side of my face in disbelief, the tears in my eyes spilling down my cheeks.
"Firstly," he said, quiet anger expressed perfectly by his tone, "I wouldn't lie to you. And secondly, I didn't call because I didn't have ANY IDEA WHERE YOU WERE BECAUSE YOU NEVER EVEN SAID GOODBYE, LET ALONE TELL ME WHERE YOU WERE GOING."
I breathed in shakily, my hands trembling.
He stood silently for a minute.
"Oh God Mac, I'm sorry," he began, "I don't know why. I never should have."
"Angela?" I called.
"Mummy?" she answered fearfully, standing behind me.
"Come here sweetie," I whispered quietly, ignoring Harm and taking her hand.
"I'm so sorry, I." he touched my shoulder gently.
"Don't," I ordered, shaking a little and pushing his hand away.
"Mac."
"Leave me alone," I replied quietly, biting my lip hard, "Just get out, or leave me alone."
* * * * * *
A/N: You know you're pathetic when you're word processor has names of characters (such as 'Mac') added to its dictionary, and will actually suggest them when you misspell other words.