More of a flashback, since I'm in a hurry (again). I'm trying to make it to the internet café by 7 pm so I can upload. ^^

That night, I accompanied the exhausted but visibly happy Pirika up the stairs when we returned home from the park where we spent the afternoon flying kites.

I still couldn't get over at how she could be so easily delighted by simple things like learning how to fly a kite with me, or eating hotdogs on sticks. She looked so much happier now than the time that I bought her the juego of our engagement ring.

And I thought women were supposed to love jewelry more than anything. Pirika shamed the precious gems with her preference for wafer hotdogs.

For as long as I've known Pirika, she was always quiet and meek, submissive even. Far from the brat who used to beat the crap out of her brother back when the shaman fight was still going on. Although I have noticed that she acts a little different when I was present, I gave no meaning for it.

I guess I had always led myself to believe that what was between us was non-existent platonic bond, that she is different in interacting with me because I was her brother's rival for virtually every endeavor in life. Yet she broke that "safe" wall between us when she volunteered to be my bride one seemingly ordinary day.

"Then I'll be your wife!" she burst out.

I stopped walking. I could only gape at the girl, who was blushing, but there was evident fierce determination on her face, telling me that what she said wasn't just an outburst, and that she knew what she was doing.

We locked gazes for what seemed like eternity, then I smirked. "I'm looking for a wife, not a baby. You're too young." I turned my back on her, but not quick enough to see her crestfallen face, and a tear that she quickly wiped away.

I sighed. But I didn't know what to say back then. One minute I was just brooding on my fiancée-less stage, and the next minute, the little sister of one of my rival-friends offered herself to me.

For the first time in my life, I was at lost as to what to say, what to do, or what to think. She stole my coherence.

It was then my instinct that acted, doing the only thing a wounded tiger would do to a doctor that he thought would only make his injury worse.

I pushed her away.

I could remember the shock on her young face, and the tear that trickled down her cheek. I could never erase that from my memory, because I could feel I hurt her. And the thing was, knowing I hurt her had hurt me too, perhaps more than I would ever acknowledge.

"I-I'll grow up too. Wait for me, ok?"

I didn't answer her, but within me, I think I said "yes".

Since then, I had never been the same. I couldn't look at her anymore the way I used to look at her before—a younger sister, a pest, a kid; or I would have committed incest, or she could have been the most welcome nuisance in my life, or that I was a pedophile. I knew I was none of those, but my stupid, irrational emotions make me feel so.

Yes, I attempt to mask my confusion with hostility and indifference, but unbelievably, she tolerates it all patiently.

And then, there was that fateful night that changed everything.

I was just going through my regular footwork exercises when I heard someone sobbing. My mind told me to ignore it, but heck, when had it been obeyed my heart anyway, as my father puts it?

There I saw her crumpled against the wall, crying her heart out. Concern immediately flooded me, which felt strange. I was never the one to be easily worried about any other people aside from those that were close to me, for instance, my onee-san.

And the ainu girl was crying again. Damn. Those tears were very powerful weapon, mind you, or how would it have eroded my heart.

As I fetched a blanket, I remembered what onee-san said about crying.

"Those tears are not sign of weaknesses, but strength. Tears are as soft as the waters in the sea, the same waters that mold the hard stones by the bed."

Now I understood what she means.

I made my way back to the balcony where Pirika was still seated, unaware of my presence. I draped the blanket on her shoulders. "You're too noisy, I can't train," I said just in time, before I could burst out with the question I knew would just put both of us in an awkward situation. That was how lethal to me the question "What's wrong?", because it meant concern, and I wasn't ready yet to accept that I had that kind of emotion for her.

And when she looked at me with those moist, clear blue eyes, I knew that I lost the battle of wits. From then on, I had no more control of my actions.

"Damn, why do you have to be so talkative?" I yelled, my patience nearing its verge. "I came here because I don't want you to be alone! What if you commit suicide?" My feelings had been unwittingly released out of my anger, but she was too angry herself to notice that.

"I'm not depressed!" she shot back, eyes crinkling in anger. "Just leave me alone!"

"No, I won't," I said firmly. "Fine, you can go continue your bawling, but I will not go."

"Go away! I don't need you here!" She tried to push me away, but I wouldn't budge. She pushed harder, and my hands caught hers. I pulled her closer to me fiercely.

"Pirika, damn it! Shut up, will you?" I hissed.

"Let me go!!!"

"Well, shut up!!!"

"I said, LET ME GO!!!"

Damn! She had tried my patience long enough. I grabbed her, then kissed her forcefully, urging her to keep quiet. And she did.

But the silence proved more dangerous, because then, I felt that my kiss had lost its initial purpose to silence her. Now I knew that I was kissing her for the sake of kissing, for the sake of…

Damn! I pushed her away abruptly before I could drown in that kiss, and I knew that would be the ultimate stupidity.

But when the feeling of emptiness filled me, I knew that this one beats that ultimate stupidity I was thinking of awhile ago.

I looked at the twenty-year-old Pirika who was unaware of my gaze, and how I traveled down the memory lane the whole time we were heading for her room.

Why did you disappear six years ago?

Without even so much a goodbye?

Had I only knew in time her escape plan, I wouldn't have let her out of my sight. The reason? I refused anymore to think, especially since we had reached the door already.

"Goodnight, Ren-kun," she said softly. "I had a most wonderful day."

I felt myself rendered speechless for a moment. I didn't know how to react again—Pirika could always take my power to think rationally.

Then it hit me. I didn't always have to know.

I just had to feel.

"Goodnight," I murmured back, then leaned down to plant a kiss on her forehead.

A kiss of reverence and admiration I knew I had for her since she was just a brat in the shaman fight.

Why I did that, or why I feel that, I did not know.

But sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

tsuzuku