Chapter 34
"Where are we going, Mommy?"
Abby tried to keep her voice calm. "We're going on a train ride. Won't that be fun?"
Jill nodded eagerly. "I've never been on a train!" she exclaimed.
As Abby stuffed the twins' clothes into a suitcase, she wondered what they would find when they got to Los Angeles. Would Carter be okay? Would his body be piled up with a bunch of other unidentified corpses, waiting for someone to come and claim him? Would he be burned beyond recognition from the fire?
Stop it, she told herself silently. Stop thinking the worst. She looked down at the kids, who were chatting happily, not knowing that anything was wrong. She would believe the best, for them.
Her packing was interrupted by a knock at the door. That must be Susan, she thought. Susan, good friend that she was, had insisted on going with them. Abby had told her that she didn't have to come, but secretly she was relieved that she wasn't going to have to face this alone. What would be more horrible than being stranded in a strange city with her two children and a dead body?
STOP IT! she yelled at herself. She had to stop thinking like this! Carter could be alive and well, and she made up her mind not to think of him as dead until she had a reason to. Another knock at the door reminded her that Susan was still standing outside. She went to answer the door, and flung it open, assuming that Susan could be the only one at the door.
It was not Susan.
"What are you doing here?" Abby asked, surprised to see him. She wasn't sure how she felt about him right now. Mad? Disappointed? Embarrassed? Suspicious? She had put her feelings about him aside; she had more important things to deal with. Like trying to undo all the damage he had caused.
"I…I wanted to give you this." Eric sounded nervous, unsure of himself. He sounded like he was talking to a stranger, and a hostile stranger at that.
Abby took the paper he extended towards her, suddenly feeling bad. After all, he was the only brother she had; she hadn't so much as visited him in the hospital, except to ask him about the twins. Apparently he was out now, but she wouldn't know. She was his sister; she could have at least checked up on him. But I was worried about the twins, then about Carter! she argued with herself.
Abby unfolded the paper, and immediately recognized it. Wyczenski, Eric. Report of blood toxicity-
Abby looked up at him. "You didn't have to do this, Eric," she said.
Eric shook his head. "Yes, I did. You don't trust me; you have no reason to. I just wanted to show you, I wasn't lying about the meds. That paper says so; you can see, all my levels are exactly where they're supposed to be. And I'm sorry about the kids. I'm sorry I took them to the park without telling you; I know it was a really dumb thing to do. I hope-" Eric's voice broke. "I hope they're going to be okay."
Abby suddenly realized that Eric didn't know that they were okay! "Eric, They're fine! They came home!" Her face had broken into a grin without her even realizing it.
Eric's jaw dropped. "Really? So you mean everything's okay now?"
Abby suddenly remembered that everything was indeed not okay, and the smile slid off her face. "No, not quite. Carter he...went to L.A. looking for Jill. His plane crashed."
"Oh, god. Do you know if…he's okay?"
Abby shook her head. "Susan and I, we're going there to find out."
"I'll go with you," Eric said quickly.
"It's okay, Eric. We'll be fine."
"I know." Eric looked down. "I just wanted to help. I feel like I've done enough damage already."
"It's okay, really," Abby said, reaching out to put an arm around his shoulder. "This wasn't your fault."
But Eric shook his head. "Yes it is. If I hadn't taken the twins to the park, you wouldn't be in this whole mess. I'm so sorry, Abby."
Abby slowly nodded her head. "Okay," she said. "But right now, I need to go find out about Carter."
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"The worst of this is over, right?" She paused, waiting for his response. "Tell me we're gonna be okay," she said in a quiet voice, begging him for reassurance.
For one long moment, their eyes locked. Abby felt like she was falling into his gaze. She wanted to collapse into his lap, to feel his strong arms encircling her.
She realized he was moving towards her. She realized she was moving towards him.
When their lips touched, Abby's eyes closed, and she almost dropped the ice pack that she held against his neck. She had been waiting so long for this. It felt so good to be kissing him.
When he pulled away, she could almost feel the disappointment, like an icicle lodged in her throat. What she he going to say? Was he going to tell her it had all been a mistake, that he didn't feel the way she did?
"We're gonna be okay," he said, standing up, never losing eye contact with her. Her heart pounded when she realized that he was moving towards her again.
His lips touched hers. Her eyes closed, and she knew: this was what she had been waiting for her whole life. He was what she had been waiting for.
Abby woke up.
Carter. He was gone. She wanted to see him so badly, it hurt. She could still feel his body next to hers, pulling her closer. She could still feel his lips against hers. She closed her eyes and tries to stay in the dream for one more second.
She had forgotten. She had forgotten what it was like to be it love with Carter, to think about him every second of every day. She had never loved anyone else like that; would she ever again?
It had been so easy to forget him, to stay mad at him instead of thinking of how much she missed him. Anger was what had kept her away for four years. But she wasn't angry anymore.
After all these years, and all these times telling herself that she would never forgive him, she still loved him. The realization hit her like a ton of bricks. She wanted that back; the feeling of being safe and secure in his arms. She wanted to be loved again.
But was it too late? Had she already lost her last chance with Carter? She prayed she hadn't. She promised herself that, if she could, somehow, just get one more chance, she wouldn't waste it. She would tell him how much he meant to her. If he didn't feel the same, it would hurt, but she had to tell him. That is, if she got the chance to.
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"Choo-choo! Chugga chugga chugga chugga. That's the sound a train makes!" Jill happily informed them.
Susan raised her eyebrows. "Really? I always thought it made more of a mooing sound," she said. Jill and Riley both laughed.
"When are we gonna get there, Mommy?" Riley asked, tugging on Abby's shirt. "Mommy?"
"Abby?" Susan said, noticing that Abby wasn't answering him.
"Oh; what?" Abby said, snapping to attention. But Jill and Riley had already turned their attention to the scenery that was whizzing by.
"You okay, Abby?" Susan asked gently.
Abby shrugged. "Guess I'm just dreading whatever we're gonna find out there. I just want to get it over with. Whatever happens is gonna happen; I just hate being in suspense like this."
Susan nodded sympathetically. "How long has it been since you called them?" she asked.
Abby checked her watch. "Almost an hour. Guess it's time for me to call again. Watch the kids?" Susan nodded in agreement, and Abby got up from her seat to make the phone call.
As she trudged to the back of the train she wondered, what would it mean? What would happen if she discovered that Carter was indeed dead? Would she feel guilty for the rest of her life for letting him get on the plane?
Her fingers methodically punched the buttons. She might never get to tell him that she was sorry. She might never get to thank him for being a great dad for the month he had known he was one, for being so nice to her after she kept his children away from him all these years. Se might never get to tell him how she really felt about him. Carter was a great guy, and she had never appreciated him.
The phone stopped ringing, and once again, she got an office boy who couldn't tell her much of anything. Once again, she hung up the phone in frustration. In a few hours, she would know.
She returned to her seat and discovered that Jill and Riley were asleep. "That was fast," she commented, taking her seat next to Susan.
"Did they tell you anything?" Susan asked.
"Just that they'll 'contact me as soon as more information becomes available'," Abby said, unable to keep the annoyance out of her voice. "This is so aggravating! I just want to know." Susan nodded in agreement.
There was a moment of silence as they both contemplated what was waiting for them in Arizona. "Do you think he's gonna be okay?" Abby asked abruptly. Of course, Susan had no way of knowing what the outcome of their excursion would be, but Abby just wanted some reassurance, however false.
"I hope so," Susan said, but she knew that the chances weren't good. 26 survivors out of 500? But she could still hope.
"You know, even in his last moments he was thinking of us," Abby said wistfully. "From his email, you can tell that he knew the plane was gonna crash and he was probably going to die, but he took the time to write and tell me that me and the kids could stay in the house." Abby closed her eyes for a moment.
She thought of the first time she had ever seen Carter. They had had such a turbulent relationship, breaking up and making up; sponsoring each other and reporting each other. But he had always cared about her. And she had always cared about herself. He had thought about her, and so had she.
Had she always been the selfish one in their relationship? She imagined him living in Chicago alone for four years, not even knowing about the family he had a thousand miles away. How could she have done that to him? She had kept the kids away from him for so long, and now it was too late. They would never get to know their father, and it was all because of her.
What would she do differently, if she got another chance? Be more forgiving, more open? She would have told Carter about the kids sooner, for one thing. Right about now, she would be willing to promise just about anything that would guarantee Carter's safety. She didn't want to have it hanging over her head for the rest of her life that he had died trying to save her daughter while she sat back and told him to try harder.
Abby vowed to herself that if Carter was safe, she would put all her cards out on the table. She would apologize to him for leaving; she never really had. She would tell him how much he meant to her.
"You okay, Abby?" Susan asked.
Abby shook her head. "I'll be okay when I know that's he's alright," she said quietly.