Author: Hailie (Hailie_Jade24@yahoo.com)
Title: Of Past and Future Reflections
Summary: Abby's thoughts through a chosen handful of episodes this season. Abby's sets out on a path of finding herself.
~~
Some days are hard, others still harder.
I seem to have a lot more of the harder ones.
I'm a med student, and a nurse. Sometimes I wonder why I went back to med school.
I don't really have an answer. Sometimes I fool myself into thinking that I did it because its what I've wanted since I quit, or got kicked out, whatever the case may be.
But I know that's not why.
Truth is I don't know why I went back, and I'm not sure if I'm glad that I did.
I've set myself up for failure once again.
Abby Lockhart, master screw up, that's who I am.
I realized that I had never really succeeded in anything. Not anything important anyway.
So maybe I went back to prove I could do it.
Question is whom did I want to prove it to? I guess that would be the final jeopardy question of my life.
The answer? Who knows? I know I sure don't.
At first I thought it was for myself, but who am I kidding? I went a couple of years without even thinking of going back.
The 'poof' all of a sudden one day I found myself applying for loans and it happened.
I almost smile as I think about everyone's reactions that first day.
"Halloween's tomorrow Abby," and it was. Maybe I should have quit then.
I got a fifty-something on my practice test. Yes! Go me! And Neela with her 'half way there' crap.
Alright, so I didn't mean that. It's not her fault. As much as I'd lover to blame her, it's not her fault.
I got a present from Carter. Just what I needed, a box to bury my heart in. And to think, I forgot to send him something.
Bastard.
A week goes by and then another. It hardly matters, not much changes. Until the day he came back.
Introducing Abby Lockhart, the coward.
I hid around the corner as he exchanged, well I guess we'll call them pleasantries, with people at the desk.
Those traitors.
I was nurse Abby at the time with about eight hours to go. All I wanted to do was run as far away as fast as I could.
"This is my girlfriend," he said the phrase so easily, so defiantly.
I don't ever remember him introducing me like that.
I walked into the closest empty room and pressed my back up against the door.
A part of me didn't care. Unfortunately, the rest of me wanted to scream, or cry. Either probably would have been fine.
I hadn't even heard the best part yet.
Luckily I didn't see him again for another hour.
Unfortunately it was only an hour.
I guess it was one of those good news, bad news things.
"Abby," he said my. Surprisingly he remembered my name.
I debated with myself. I seem to do that a lot, I just wish the questions were more like chocolate or vanilla. Instead I had to decide weather to turn around or walk away.
Politeness won out. Yes that's what I'm calling it.
"Dr. Carter," I replied keeping my voice as neutral as I possibly could. It wasn't that easy.
"It's good to see you," he said sounding like a greeting card.
"Glad you're alive," was about the only positive response I could come up with.
I guess he expected that, because I didn't get an angry response. Instead he began, "this is. ."
"Your girlfriend," I cut him off not wanting to hear him say it again.
I had hoped that we had run out of things to say.
That should teach me, never hope.
"I'm Kem," she offered with a smile that I would love to slap off her face.
I am not jealous.
"Abby," I said.
"Nice to meet you," she responded.
I'm sure I was supposed to reciprocate, but I didn't. Instead I asked, "Are you two just visiting?"
"No," she very quickly offered, "We had an appointment for an ultrasound," her hand immediately went to her stomach. "It's a boy."
Okay so now I'm jealous.
Now it was time to run, and I did. I ran down the hall and out the ER doors straight into the rain. Even Mother Nature has something against me.
I hear the doors open behind me and I know it's him before he speaks.
"Guess you have what you wanted," I force out without facing him.
I silently change my mind and thank Mother Nature; the rain has proven affective in hiding my tears.
"I didn't want you to find out this way," he said coming to stand in from of me.
"Millions of hospitals in the US, but you come back here?" I ask, and yell at the same time.
He flinched and I was glad.
"I'm sorry," he said lamely.
The bastard didn't even mean it.
I tried to walk past him, away from him but he blocked my path.
"I promised myself I wouldn't hate you," I screamed at him.
"I never meant for it to be like this," he said, "I never meant to hurt you."
"Like hell you didn't, you wouldn't have brought her here if you didn't."
"You have no right to be mad," he answered.
"You're right, I don't," I conceded.
I pause to catch my breath and a few things became clear in that moment.
I went back to med school to prove everyone wrong. To show everyone that I wasn't a failure, or a coward.
I needed to figure out who Abby Lockhart was- without John Carter. I had been Abby and Carter for three years and I had forgotten how to just be Abby.
I was also sick of being 'just a nurse.' I think all the doctors have used that line on me at least once.
Dr. Lockhart, Dr. Abby Lockhart. Now that does sound awesome, doesn't it?
Now back to the moment:
Carter was talking, but I had been to busy thinking to listen, so I missed whatever he said.
"I promised myself that I wouldn't hate you," I told him again," startling him in the middle of his sentence.
"Abby, I"
"No, I may not have a right to but I do hate you Carter. I hate that you ran, I hate that you didn't even care enough to break up with me in person, but most of all I hate that you care so little that you bring your pregnant girlfriend and flaunt her around my ER."
"It's my ER to Abs!" he yelled back. "Those are my friends too."
"For how long? As long as they keep sending medicine to the Congo?"
"Why the hell would you say that?"
He was furious.
So was I.
"Because you're going back," I answered simply.
He shook his head and water splashed from his hair.
"You can't deny it, I know you're going back," I said.
"Yes, I'm going back," he acknowledged.
"Have a nice life," I said before walking away.
It is after all what we do best.
It was the last conversation I've had with him.
I took two weeks leave immediately and that's why I find myself in Minnesota, staring at the ceiling at 2 AM.
I'll go back fairly soon, and deal with everything.
For now though I want to focus on not hating myself. Then maybe I can try not hating John Carter.
Title: Of Past and Future Reflections
Summary: Abby's thoughts through a chosen handful of episodes this season. Abby's sets out on a path of finding herself.
~~
Some days are hard, others still harder.
I seem to have a lot more of the harder ones.
I'm a med student, and a nurse. Sometimes I wonder why I went back to med school.
I don't really have an answer. Sometimes I fool myself into thinking that I did it because its what I've wanted since I quit, or got kicked out, whatever the case may be.
But I know that's not why.
Truth is I don't know why I went back, and I'm not sure if I'm glad that I did.
I've set myself up for failure once again.
Abby Lockhart, master screw up, that's who I am.
I realized that I had never really succeeded in anything. Not anything important anyway.
So maybe I went back to prove I could do it.
Question is whom did I want to prove it to? I guess that would be the final jeopardy question of my life.
The answer? Who knows? I know I sure don't.
At first I thought it was for myself, but who am I kidding? I went a couple of years without even thinking of going back.
The 'poof' all of a sudden one day I found myself applying for loans and it happened.
I almost smile as I think about everyone's reactions that first day.
"Halloween's tomorrow Abby," and it was. Maybe I should have quit then.
I got a fifty-something on my practice test. Yes! Go me! And Neela with her 'half way there' crap.
Alright, so I didn't mean that. It's not her fault. As much as I'd lover to blame her, it's not her fault.
I got a present from Carter. Just what I needed, a box to bury my heart in. And to think, I forgot to send him something.
Bastard.
A week goes by and then another. It hardly matters, not much changes. Until the day he came back.
Introducing Abby Lockhart, the coward.
I hid around the corner as he exchanged, well I guess we'll call them pleasantries, with people at the desk.
Those traitors.
I was nurse Abby at the time with about eight hours to go. All I wanted to do was run as far away as fast as I could.
"This is my girlfriend," he said the phrase so easily, so defiantly.
I don't ever remember him introducing me like that.
I walked into the closest empty room and pressed my back up against the door.
A part of me didn't care. Unfortunately, the rest of me wanted to scream, or cry. Either probably would have been fine.
I hadn't even heard the best part yet.
Luckily I didn't see him again for another hour.
Unfortunately it was only an hour.
I guess it was one of those good news, bad news things.
"Abby," he said my. Surprisingly he remembered my name.
I debated with myself. I seem to do that a lot, I just wish the questions were more like chocolate or vanilla. Instead I had to decide weather to turn around or walk away.
Politeness won out. Yes that's what I'm calling it.
"Dr. Carter," I replied keeping my voice as neutral as I possibly could. It wasn't that easy.
"It's good to see you," he said sounding like a greeting card.
"Glad you're alive," was about the only positive response I could come up with.
I guess he expected that, because I didn't get an angry response. Instead he began, "this is. ."
"Your girlfriend," I cut him off not wanting to hear him say it again.
I had hoped that we had run out of things to say.
That should teach me, never hope.
"I'm Kem," she offered with a smile that I would love to slap off her face.
I am not jealous.
"Abby," I said.
"Nice to meet you," she responded.
I'm sure I was supposed to reciprocate, but I didn't. Instead I asked, "Are you two just visiting?"
"No," she very quickly offered, "We had an appointment for an ultrasound," her hand immediately went to her stomach. "It's a boy."
Okay so now I'm jealous.
Now it was time to run, and I did. I ran down the hall and out the ER doors straight into the rain. Even Mother Nature has something against me.
I hear the doors open behind me and I know it's him before he speaks.
"Guess you have what you wanted," I force out without facing him.
I silently change my mind and thank Mother Nature; the rain has proven affective in hiding my tears.
"I didn't want you to find out this way," he said coming to stand in from of me.
"Millions of hospitals in the US, but you come back here?" I ask, and yell at the same time.
He flinched and I was glad.
"I'm sorry," he said lamely.
The bastard didn't even mean it.
I tried to walk past him, away from him but he blocked my path.
"I promised myself I wouldn't hate you," I screamed at him.
"I never meant for it to be like this," he said, "I never meant to hurt you."
"Like hell you didn't, you wouldn't have brought her here if you didn't."
"You have no right to be mad," he answered.
"You're right, I don't," I conceded.
I pause to catch my breath and a few things became clear in that moment.
I went back to med school to prove everyone wrong. To show everyone that I wasn't a failure, or a coward.
I needed to figure out who Abby Lockhart was- without John Carter. I had been Abby and Carter for three years and I had forgotten how to just be Abby.
I was also sick of being 'just a nurse.' I think all the doctors have used that line on me at least once.
Dr. Lockhart, Dr. Abby Lockhart. Now that does sound awesome, doesn't it?
Now back to the moment:
Carter was talking, but I had been to busy thinking to listen, so I missed whatever he said.
"I promised myself that I wouldn't hate you," I told him again," startling him in the middle of his sentence.
"Abby, I"
"No, I may not have a right to but I do hate you Carter. I hate that you ran, I hate that you didn't even care enough to break up with me in person, but most of all I hate that you care so little that you bring your pregnant girlfriend and flaunt her around my ER."
"It's my ER to Abs!" he yelled back. "Those are my friends too."
"For how long? As long as they keep sending medicine to the Congo?"
"Why the hell would you say that?"
He was furious.
So was I.
"Because you're going back," I answered simply.
He shook his head and water splashed from his hair.
"You can't deny it, I know you're going back," I said.
"Yes, I'm going back," he acknowledged.
"Have a nice life," I said before walking away.
It is after all what we do best.
It was the last conversation I've had with him.
I took two weeks leave immediately and that's why I find myself in Minnesota, staring at the ceiling at 2 AM.
I'll go back fairly soon, and deal with everything.
For now though I want to focus on not hating myself. Then maybe I can try not hating John Carter.